Doing nothing”, that was my intention for today related to my place mat exercise. And this meant something like leaving everything to the Universe, so that’s what I wrote down on the other side. But somehow I realized you cannot do ‘nothing’. That’s not how humans are built. So even while doing ‘nothing’, just lying a bit on the couch as I just felt tired and didn’t really feel like doing anything physical, of course I was still thinking, and breathing, and I guess a lot of other things a human does when doing nothing.
Ah, and I’m really in complaining mood, down mood, even though I thought I had left that behind as I felt so happy recently. So yesterday one of the things I wanted to achieve in one of my segments was feeling bad, which to my amazement didn’t really happen. I felt kind of bad the moment I wrote it down, but somehow later on in the day I started to feel good and when going to bed as far as I remember I really felt good again. So I didn’t achieve my goal with that and of course I was kind of happy with that.
I learned from it thought that sometimes it’s just good to write your feeling down, to just feel bad if you feel bad. And maybe this something about the ‘forcing’ humans, or at least I, often feel I do. When feeling bad I am trying to force myself out of that. And often that doesn’t work.
And I realize I’m not really inspired writing this post. And I guess you can also read that between the lines. And somehow I also know what’s the background as I have so many things I want to do, so many ideas in my mind I want to make into reality. And somehow that’s frustrating as the only thing I just need is money to live, money to survive. And it feels a bit like all my efforts somehow are good, feel good, but they just don’t bring in, or at least didn’t until now, just the money to survive.
So what is this with money, what’s wrong in the world that I can’t do what I feel I’m good at, that I can’t seem to use my talents for other people, that I can’t serve other people in a way that they appreciate it enough to allow me to live the life I think I deserve and need. Don’t they just see what I do, what I can do? Don’t they just see how good I am at the internet and programming stuff? Don’t they see how I’m trying to do things good, perfect, ready for the future, maintenance friendly?
Apparently not, but somehow I also feel that I should just continue doing what I do, believe in myself, and that somehow, some day, people see how good I am at what I do and that they can benefit from the way how I do things.