“Drink water from your own cistern, flowing water from your own well. Should your springs be scattered abroad, streams of water in the streets? Let them be for yourself alone, and not for strangers with you. Let your fountain be blessed, and rejoice in the wife of your youth… Why should you be intoxicated, my son, with a forbidden woman and embrace the bosom of an adulteress? For a man’s ways are before the eyes of the LORD, and he ponders all his paths. The iniquities of the wicked ensnare him, and he is held fast in the cords of his sin. He dies for lack of discipline, and because of his great folly he is led astray.”  – Proverbs 5:15-23

I am starting to realize, believe even, that my interpretation of the Seventh Commandment as per Philonic division used by Hellenistic Jews, Greek Orthodox and Protestants except Lutherans, or the Talmudic division of the third-century Jewish Talmud, or the Sixth Commandment in the Augustinian division used by Roman Catholics and Lutherans, “Thou shalt not commit adultery” has done enormous damage in my life.

And the basics lie in the Dutch version of it: “Gij zult niet echtbreken”, translation sounding like “Thou shalt not divorce”, at least to me. So no matter what, I did ‘everything’ to stick, to stay with my first partner. And I did and do everything to stay with my second partner.

And I just found an article about the Seventh/Sixth commandment. Strangely enough through advertising: The Sixth Commandment. And what is written there seems to make sense, as if there is no real relationship, like right now is the case between me and my second partner, there is nothing to break.

Oh, how much damage can religion do, when presented (to children) in the wrong way. Like “the bible is God’s word” in the sense that what is written in the bible is the absolute truth. Like ”Thou shalt not break the peace of a marriage!” sounds do much nicer and so much more sensible than “Thou shalt not commit adultery”. And recently I am learning so many texts in the bible have been translated in ways that can completely distort the original meaning. So please, be careful telling your children, or others, about “the bible is the word of God”. And yes, I certainly believe the bible is some kind of “word from God”, as it contains an enormous amount of human, practical and spiritual wisdom. And yes, there is a reason why it survived such a long time and is still read and followed by many people.

And another half finished page I guess, as I really want to, kind of need to, do something else. Just add the Wikipedia link about “Thou shalt not commit adultery”. More interesting reading there it seems.

I was just sitting in the garden, contemplating what to do, how to get out of this mess, this mess created by love; yes you heard or read that well, mess created by love. As I still can’t grasp, can’t believe, can’t imagine the enormous destruction love has caused in my life and probably in the life of the one or ones closest to me. As me loving Lee somehow has practically completely destroyed my life. And somehow it still does, although just now I started to feel there is some kind of change on the way.

So is it love? Yes, I really believe it is love that created this mess, this ultimate destruction of lives, of property, of, well, not sure what else. As I know I loved Lee and I still do. And I know he loved me, maybe still loves me, somehow. And was it driven by lust, by sex? No, I don’t believe that, as our love life, our sex life, was not that spectacular. So it was certainly not the sex keeping us together.

And yes, also reading the article The Sixth Commandment about something like “what God brought together” feels like, seems to be applicable to my relationship with Lee. As when I met him there was an enormous force keeping me with him. And I am not sure if he experienced the same or a similar force, but the fact that he is still here means that there is also something keeping him close to me, brings him back to me, all the time.

And I was just thinking about adultery again, about that a few days ago I met someone and that I really want to sleep with him, be intimate with him. And the only reason for that is that I just desperately need to be intimate with someone, yes, physically intimate. And that I may need sex which someone, but the ‘holding’ part is so much more important to me.

But then again, that would probably create more unmanageability, more distance between Lee and me. On the other side it could create something new, a new love relationship, new intimacy. But then why can’t it be between Lee and me. We started out so well, being in love so much, holding hands and all, until years into our relationship.

So what is this ‘love’ thing, the thing that is supposed to be good and can feel so good. And how can it turn around and become a monster, a monster capable of destroying virtually everything, destroying complete live, like I feel my life has been destroyed by it.