I was reading what Abraham Hicks says about procrastination and I just realized that I kind of always feel this underlying darkness, this underlying, well not sure how to call it, but it makes my legs feel tense. And I never really acknowledged it and I also don’t know if other people know or have this feeling. I always presumed people were the same and had similar ‘drivers’, things that drive them, but I’m starting to believe now that that’s not true. So I guess also most people have this underlying darkness, the underlying darkness that I feel. Maybe, as Napoleon Hill suggests like analyzing instead of presuming, how this is for other people.
And the main thing with this dark feeling, which before was more like a dark cloud covering everything, always present darkening things, is that it virtually always blocks me, blocks me to be happy, blocks me to be myself. And I kind of know that this feeling is the basis of all the bad things that are happening to me. As one of the weirdest things that are going on right now is that the main things from my desire document and my visualizations of some time ago have become reality. My current problem is, and this is the same problem I encountered most of my life, that it’s incomplete, it’s not enough. And I know that and The Universe knows that. So that’s going on. And somehow I keep telling myself ‘you should be happy’ and ‘it should be enough’. And that’s just not the truth, so I keep beating myself up with something that’s not true. And that causes me an enormous amount of stress and kind of blocks everything.
So just before writing this I was just lying down, thinking, not really knowing what to do as I didn’t feel inspired doing anything. And I have learned that indeed, as the ideas of Abraham Hicks state, uninspired action goes nowhere, only works against everything. So then I realized I should first at least acknowledge that there is something wrong, that things have materialized but are incomplete and that it is very logical that I feel like I feel: very unhappy and very unsatisfied. And then I got somehow the feeling to write this finding down, like I’m doing now, even though my mind (read: what I believe other people say) says I shouldn’t do so as I’m in the negative again. But am I, acknowledging what’s really going on with me? Is that negative? I don’t think so, because indeed, if I keep pushing against it, trying to convince myself everything is OK and that I’m no the right path while I know that’s not true, something really bad is going on and I just make it worse.
So how to go from here? I still don’t know as related to ‘what people say’ and ‘what the world says’ and ‘what you’re supposed to do’ says I’m in big trouble, I’m not OK. But is this not what it’s all about? Who is ‘the world’ that they could judge on where I stand, no matter where that is? And why would that be wrong, no matter what I did or didn’t do? And no, I”m not happy where I stand right now and I was not happy where I stood in life most of my life, but maybe what I’m writing here is just the way out of it: just acknowledging that I”m not happy, that I’m in a very wrong place, that I’m in a very bad situation. And no matter what ‘the world’ says try to figure out what I want and how to get there.
And somehow I’m doing the right thing as it felt good writing the above. But again posting it and hoping for feedback or something or just feeling the judgement just makes me feel bad again. But maybe again, that’s what courage maybe is about, just do it and see what happens and maybe even try to expect in the right way.
And somehow lately I more and more often feel I’m getting closer to what I want, closer to what I desire, closer to live a joyful, loving and powerful life. But I’m not there yet, somehow the Universe is not lined up yet fully. Or maybe this is just what still needs to happen, maybe this is still what needs to be written, needs to be shared, even though I don’t like it as it’s kind of embarrassing, it’s kind of negative. In the eyes of the world.