Awareness

It is a short while ago since I started this post, maybe a few weeks, and I think changing my beliefs already started having some (positive) effect. And strange, it seems all have started with me working the Twelve Steps and it all seems to start with awareness, yes, truth.

Starting to believe

I am starting to believe(?!) more and more that I have some powerful beliefs that stop me from doing almost anything. As lately I have hardly done anything, at least that is how I feel. Like I have hardly worked on DoctorsConnect, on extending and improving the functionality, and that is pretty important and it is something that I (technically) can do pretty easily, if I just spend the time. And time I have; I have enough time. But somehow something stops me from doing almost anything. And I am not fully sure what it is, although I have some clues, like I have no desire to live anymore, so yes, without desire virtually anything is impossible, also according to the ideas of Napoleon Hill.

And not easy finding an image that matches what I want to show and discuss and write on this page. But the image I found on Wikipedia suffices for now I guess. And I found something like faith is not belief. Anyhow, I don’t want to elaborate on that now.

My main issue is that I have complete lack of desire. Basically I don’t want to do anything anymore, don’t want anything anymore. And it may go back to depression, but there may be some more behind it, so I will start writing some beliefs or possible beliefs that keep me in this state of paralysis.

My current beliefs

Initial thoughts about my beliefs, beliefs that stop me from doing anything, from making any progress especially in love life and business:

1. I believe that no matter what I do things don’t work out, won’t work out, something like the Universe is against me, punishing me for past behavior, for past mistakes.
2. I am the one who always has to pay, no matter what, I have to pay.
3. I believe my desires are wrong, like wanting to be rich and famous and wanting to have a prosperous, good life, a life like I had before.
4. I believe I am being punished somehow. I have no clue why though, as I don’t think my mistakes were that big, until I ran out of money, felt like I ran out of options.
5. I believe my life until now has been a waste, especially related to my love life wants.
6. I believe that I am getting too old to catch up with the love life I wanted.
7. I believe God does not want me to be successful with my business. Or maybe He wants, but I am not sure why He is not helping me or does not let things happen to make it easier to move forward, like meeting the right people to build a team.
8. I believe I need a team, or at least some people supporting me with DoctorsConnect.
9. I believe I am useless in this world, that nobody really cares for me, that nobody is really interested whether I am here in this world or not.
10. I believe that no matter what I do, I cannot do anything, until God or The Universe helps me, supports me. And I believe that is not happening right now, and I don’t understand that, as why would The Universe or God not help me?

Wow, how negative

Wow, what a negative beliefs I wrote down in the previous paragraph. How can those beliefs ever create a prosperous healthy life? But how to change them? Well, maybe just counter them with facts, as above beliefs are stated pretty bold, where I am sure now I can counter some of them with samples where they are not true or not fully true.

The truth (changing my beliefs)

Well, let’s state some truths about above belief, as with these beliefs I will go nowhere.

1. Things (don’t) work out

“I believe that no matter what I do things don’t work out, won’t work out, something like the Universe is against me, punishing me for past behavior, for past mistakes.”

At least this is stated way too one sided, especially the “no matter what”, as not ‘everything’ is not working out in my life. I am still alive and pretty healthy and many things I do do work out, like just 99% of the daily things I do just work as they are expected to work.

And “The Universe” being against me sounds like bullshit, as why would “The Universe” be against me, even if I made mistakes?

And yes, there are quite some crazy things going on in my life right now that really don’t make sense. Like how my phone was broken and how the refrigerator is broken and how Globe cut us off and how I don’t manage to find work, income somehow.

So yes, “The Universe” seems to play some weird tricks on me and around me that don’t make sense, but somehow I also believe “The Universe” is a fair Universe.

Maybe I better say something like “There are some strange things going on around me and I don’t fully understand why or how. Maybe The Universe is playing some kind of weird tricks on me and it may have to do with past or current behavior or  past or current mistakes. This doesn’t mean things will stay the way they are and it is very possible that things in the future will be better and more to my liking”.

2. I am the one who always (->sometimes) pays

“I am the one who always has to pay, no matter what, I have to pay.”

Also here there is this very one sided statement with the “always”. And this definitely has to do with codependency and it also seems to go back to my family of origin, to my mom, who also thinks she always has to pay and also does.

Paying something is still a choice and feeling trapped like “having no choice” or having to choose between two bad choices is still a choice. And I may, or probably am, mostly giving in way too much with all kinds of things that may be able to be solved in different ways, ways beyond my understanding.

I could rephrase this a bit into something like “I may feel forced way too early and way too often to pay something when there may be other ways to deal with the issue at hand. I may want to relax a bit, or a lot more, with everything that goes on around payments and observe and think first what to do, before paying anything I feel obliged to pay to prevent (further) problems.”.

3. My desires are wrong (->right)

“I believe my desires are wrong, like wanting to be rich and famous and wanting to have a prosperous, good life, a life like I had before.”.

Wow, another very bold statement that doesn’t make any sense and does not even hold up. How could my desires be wrong? They may be bold or difficult to achieve or impracticable, but they are just my desires and there is nothing wrong with being rich or famous or wanting to have a prosperous, good life or a life similar to the life I had before. I even had the things I mean with “the life I had before”, so those things can be achieved, can be had. I even had them, so why can’t I have them again?

I think rephrasing this one may indeed turn my life around. What about “My desires are wanting to be rich and famous and wanting to have a prosperous, good life, like the ‘good life’ I had before. This may not be easy to achieve, but it is certainly possible, especially when I perform the right actions and plan well.”.

4. Punishment -> praise

“I believe I am being punished somehow. I have no clue why though, as I don’t think my mistakes were that big, until I ran out of money, felt like I ran out of options.”;

Strange, that I still somehow believe in punishment, in a punishing God. I know now that is completely crazy, just and idea from my religious past, from the bible. So there is no punishment, maybe except for the punishing we do to ourselves, yes, based on what actually?

I know I am good enough as I am, that I am just good as I am, nothing more, nothing less, I am just who I am, I am just what I am, I just am. Nothing good or bad about it, just something like ‘existence’, like a stone or an animal or a star or whatever. How strange humans can think, thing about themselves, create something like ego, create something that is kind of self destructing. How strange.

I guess the only belief to replace this would be something like “I am who I am” or just “I am”, something neutral, nothing good, not bad, just ‘being’.

Or maybe something like opposite of punishment. Yeah, what is the opposite of punishment? Praise I think. Then it would be something like “I believe I deserve to be praised for still living, for not having killed myself because of what happened, because of what life gave me, what life dealt me, because of my wrong believes, because of my beliefs from childhood.”.

My life is (not fully) wasted (anymore)

“I believe my life until now has been a waste, especially related to my love life wants.”

Another bold statement, which, if it even would hold (some) truth, can hardly be true. As no matter what I do, no matter how many wrong or bad things I do, not everything I do can be bad or wasted.

Like I am sure that my dog training activities help people, make people and dogs more happy. And I guess even my daily sending of daily quotes must have some positive effect somewhere, with someone, some day or days.

So a better belief would be something like “My life, me living, me being here on this earth, at least sometimes has some positive effects.”.

…

My new beliefs

My new, more productive beliefs could be:

1. There are some strange things going on around me and I don’t fully understand why or how. Maybe The Universe is playing some kind of weird tricks on me and it may have to do with past or current behavior or  past or current mistakes. This doesn’t mean things will stay the way they are and it is very possible that things in the future will be better and more to my liking.
2. I may feel forced way too early and way too often to pay something when there may be other ways to deal with the issue at hand. I may want to relax a bit, or a lot more, with everything that goes on around payments and observe and think first what to do, before paying anything I feel obliged to pay to prevent (further) problems.
3. My desires are wanting to be rich and famous and wanting to have a prosperous, good life, like the ‘good life’ I had before. This may not be easy to achieve, but it is certainly possible, especially when I perform the right actions and plan well.
4. I believe I deserve to be praised for still living, for not having killed myself because of what happened, because of what life gave me, what life dealt me, because of my wrong believes, because of my beliefs from childhood.
5. My life, me living, me being here on this earth, at least sometimes has some positive effects.
6. …

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