I never really knew what it meant, the ‘worse’ in “I take you to be my husband/wife. I promise to be true to you in good times and in bad, in sickness and in health. I will love you and honor you all the days of my life”, as of the moment I experience some ‘worse’ in my relationship. And no, this is not what I expected when we met, this is not what I intended what our journey, our relationship would be. As of course we started as most people do, in love, full of plans, full of excitement, full of going for the good, the joyful life together.
But this time I’m sticking, sticking to the vow I made internally, to myself. As I remember the stuff from Kim Cooper, especially when I saw my partner scare away from me today, when I tried to approach him. And no, of course I’m not sure, and yes, everybody is different. But seeing my partner, sitting on the couch most of the day playing games, watching TV, not really doing anything what most people do, confirms some of the things I found on Kim Cooper’s sites. So no, it’s not really his own ‘choice’, he just doesn’t know, and is that not true for all of us anyhow?
So should I leave him? I guess most people would say yes, most people would say that I should look for someone who would return my love, my care. But today, seeing him shying away from me when I confronted him with something, confirmed that he may just be scared, that indeed he may not trust anybody, including me. And he has all the reason to believe that, as about one and a half year ago I did betray him, somehow, and no, without me realizing it, and no, not in the way he thinks. But as he had left and this time insisted that I should move on, without him, I believed him, and later found out that he had not left me, inside,deep inside. And when we met I promised him to follow him to the end of the world if needed, which I also did, until that time. As at that time I didn’t, for a while, which was a big mistake, looking back.
And while writing this I realize that it may not be that easy to regain his trust after I betrayed him. As trust is not easily regained after it has been broken.
And yes, often I ask myself is this love? I guess not, but what is love anyhow. And yes, I miss lying next to him at night, having sex with him, just be with him, have fun together, travel together, doing things together. But that’s the selfish kind of love. And no, nothing wrong with that, on the contrary, and I still want that back.
So yes, I also understand a bit more why a friend of mine who’s husband had a severe stroke, keeps calling him ‘my husband’, no matter how weird that sounds, as there is no real relationship anymore. But I guess she also remembered the vows she made, and decides to stick with it, no matter what. So yes, no matter how often I think something like, ‘move on, go live your life again’, I am also trying to understand her, support her, and yes, I also admire her.
So what I wanted to say is that those vows are there for a reason. And that we should not take them lightly. As I presume they are very old and thought about. And that there is very good reason they are stated as they are.