After loosing practically everything I thought I owned I find myself pretty okay in a new rented house with some stuff I bought, like four chairs and a stove and a fridge and such and borrowed things like a table and some storage boxes.
And next to material stuff I lost I also lost (the hope of restoring) my relationship and not really having a clue about what to do with my career, what to do for a living, although the urge to make some money pointed to my dog training, which appeared and appears the easiest way to earn some money to be able to pay for my daily needs.
The amazing thing I found was that after my life, especially my living situation, completely turned around, I didn’t really feel different. I don’t really feel like a different person. I am still ‘me’ as to say.
And there came some kind of feeling of freedom after I found myself alone in my new home, as I had no real obligations with The Malasag House, (yes, the site points to my dog training site for now, but I guess I will change that again when the time is right) which had kind of become a burden as I couldn’t even really pay the electricity bill and as maintenance and such was way beyond my (financial) capacity.
The only obligation I kind of felt was the responsibility for my dogs, but even that feeling has changed as I kind of know deep inside they would also do fine without me.
So the big question to me right now is what I really want. And I am not fully sure what I really want, except that some wishes(?!) are still there, like I still want to be rich and maybe still want to be famous and I want my DoctorsConnect project to work.
And for days, or maybe even weeks, I wanted to write down what I really want, but I couldn’t find the right place to do it. Like my journal would be the most appropriate place I guess, but I just don’t feel like writing it there. Or just some other paper or writing book, but loose papers or something like that wouldn’t really work. Or a just a computer file, a Word document, but somehow that also didn’t feel good to me.
So just now I decided to just start writing here, in public, as that would also kind of force me to write honestly, write the truth, write what I really feel and somehow hold me accountable.
So to be honest I need to start with that I really don’t have any feelings related to The Malasag Housee anymore, at least not right now. And that is very weird, as that was the place where I wanted to stay, wanted to die, wanted to live for the rest of my life.
And to be honest also I somehow still want to restore my relationship with Lee, with somehow the love of my life, no matter what he did to me. And I guess everybody I know would say I am crazy, but somehow I hope he would still recover from his NPD and alcoholism (my opinion, not ‘reality’). And I don’t know exactly why I want it and somehow still believe it. Maybe if he would join a Twelve Step Program, join AA, I could accept him again in my life. So no, with his current mindset, with his current attitude, with his current condition I can never accept him again. Certainly not as my partner and probably also not as a friend or even as a person to talk with, deal with.
So the last, restoring my relationship with Lee, is a very strange ‘want’ and I don’t know if it goes back to my codependency or to my desire document, but somehow my biggest dream in life would come true if we could have a healthy and loving relationship (again). But yes, if I look deep inside that is still what I want, what would make my life complete. And don’t get me wrong, I know right now that is impossible, with his current mindset, his current condition. So yes, I am moving on and I am certainly open to a new relationship although the time is not right and strangely enough I am open to casual sex and such, something that completely goes against my previous values and beliefs. The last confuses me kind of, but if I am honest I have to admit that it is what it is and that somehow I disconnected sex from romantic relationship, something I could never imagine. And yes, hard to write that here, but it is the truth.
So what else do I want? Well, money, lots of money, still. That is still my main priority as I believe it would make me feel safe and would make me feel comfortable and would give me a lot of freedom. And also here I changed, as having experienced with what I have experienced in my life, especially the last ten years or so, I am not so connect to money anymore. I am much easier sharing it, even if I don’t have so much. I think I gave more to beggars and such than ever before. And my financial situation has never been as bad as before.
Another image of what I want is an image of a Caribbean beach house, a large house where I can rest, maybe invite people, have massage, and yes, live a rich and luxurious life.
And yes, somehow I still want my black Mitsubishi Pajero, but that is more from reprogramming my subconscious mind through my desire document than that it is a real wish. And again, looking at the truth, the idea of wanting is not really my idea, but more some kind of imposed idea of wanting a luxury car, of showing off, of somehow choosing an SUV, where I think actually Lee planted that kind of idea in my mind. So while I was thinking about that I realized that I actually rather like an Aston Martin V8 Volante. That is an image in my mind that is much stronger.
And while thinking about the house I want to live in I am actually happy with the house I am actually living in, even though it is absolutely is not finished, has no carpet or anything on the floor, is not finished and needs repair, has no sink in the toilet, doesn’t really have furniture and things like that. The next thing that comes to me is indeed that beach house in the Caribbean. And I have no clue where that comes from. Maybe indeed from the houses in the James Bond movies, the houses of the villains.
And again, related to partner, life partner, I have no clue. I certainly don’t want to share my life, or at least not my stuff, with anybody else, not even my house. Kind of logical I guess as Lee took everything from me, virtually everything, my house, my clothes, my share of the furniture, my computers, my computer parts, my whatever I thought I owned. So no, sharing any material stuff is not on my list right now, even though I believe I still am a relationship person, would like to share everything, share my life, with one person, one partner, one lover, one life partner. But not now. I am absolutely not ready for something like that again.
So what about sex, about making love? Well, I am not really sure about that. It has been easier to have sex with people, even people I didn’t really know, than I thought. And in quite some cases it has been more intimate than I ever experienced before. Somehow strange, but somehow also logical, looking at me being codependent, kind of having had partners who were, if not narcissistic or abusive, at least didn’t do their share in caring, in loving, in accommodating me in my needs, including my sexual needs.
Wow, what an article. Not really about “What do I want” I guess until now. Or maybe it is. It would certainly need some enhancement, adding ‘wants’ in more areas in my life. But not right now, as for now I think it has been enough.