No more sponsor
I just kind of decided to let go of my sponsor. And that was kind of a hard decision, and affects me right now a lot, as I feel like sharing, complaining, or whatever. And yes, I still need some kind of advice, as I feel like being fully being back to square one, fully have fallen back to my old, bad behaviors. I almost ended up having a one night stand a few days ago and I hate that so much, don’t really believe in that. I believe in having a relationship with one partner, one lover, yes, a monogamous relationship. But that is so hard if that partner, that person is not there.
And I am not sure how to continue now, as I don’t really want to go into human sexual needs or something, as, yes, somehow that feels like appropriate writing about. And this site is supposed to be about success, and certainly not about my unfulfilled sexual needs. But yeah, somehow my unfulfilled sexual needs play a big part in me being unsuccessful, in me being so unhappy. Like I notice the last few weeks, months, I am moving into unwanted sexual behavior, in what I believe in unhealthy sexual behavior. But yes, where will I go if I don’t see any healthy way of dealing with sexual feelings, with sexual needs. And I know sometimes it drives me crazy, when I don’t have sex for a long time, sometimes weeks, sometimes months, sometimes even years, then in the end I just feel, well, sometimes ‘jumpy’, sometimes just bad, sometimes just unfulfilled, well, whatever. And yes, I try to suppress that, try to ignore it, try to do something else sometimes. But yes, sometimes nothing seems to work to deal with that, sometimes that feeling just needs to come out, becomes overwhelming. Like the last few days, weeks, I notice I hardly do anything anymore, hardly anything comes out of my hands, as I feel so along, so useless, like nobody wants me, or at least wants me in the way I want it, in the way I like it, in the way I feel I need it.
Two people and trust needed
And the hard thing with sex is, at least for me, in the end you need two people for it, two people being physically together. And that is hard to arrange in my experience, if you want a monogamous intimate relationship with one person. And in my case even harder to arrange, as I even want to want it with one specific person, the person I have been with for many, many years, but who says he doesn’t want me anymore. But he is still here, came back, lives in the same house as I live. So how can I believe him, that he is only here ‘because he is part owner of the house’.
And yes, I also understand how hard it is for him to believe me, to trust me, also sexually, as I have not been fully faithful to him over the years, no matter whether I believed I was single, that he had left me. And even now I am not faithful to him, as my escape, my coping mechanism to handle my sexual feelings, my sexual needs, is internet sex, like chatting and exchanging photos. Sometimes even having video chat, although I am trying to avoid that.
So how can I gain the trust back of that person, of the person I love, the person I want to be with, the person I want to have a relationship with, the person I want to be my lover and partner when I can’t even trust myself, can’t wait for him to be ready for that again, connecting to other guys, having sex chat, things like that.
But yeah, as far as I know sexual feelings can be pretty strong, at least they are for me, so they are very hard to ignore; and very hard to suppress. So yeah, how to deal with that and at the same time be faithful, to myself and to him?
And slowly I am hearing more and more people say it is normal to have those feelings and do things like that. That most or all people do things like that, watching porn, having sexual chats, exchanging sexual photos, and yes, even having one night stands, just having sex.
But I still don’t like that, don’t want that. But not easy, staying sane and not doing any of that. And I didn’t find a better way yet, waiting for my partner to be with me again, my biggest dream in life.
My biggest dream in life: Lee and me being lovers again.
And thinking about what I wrote before you may think I have been sleeping around like crazy, but that is not the case. More of the opposite, actually more of the extreme opposite. And don’t get me wrong, nothing wrong with that. If you are adult of even teenager and you like having sex, no matter if you are in a relationship and you are alone, please go ahead. And if you are in a relationship and you and your partner are okay or enjoy having sex with other people, please go ahead. Before I considered that bad behavior, as I believed that sex only belonged in relationship, in committed relationship. But over time I changed my mind about that, especially after realizing what happened between Nico, my ex-partner, and me. As what at first couldn’t believe proved to be true: relationships can exist, even if there is sex with other people. I now even believe that it may be more healthy than a monogamous relationship or more healthy than having no sex at all when you are not in a relationship.
So what actually happened?
I feel pretty sure if it is wise to share what I just wrote below here. But somehow I feel the need to share it, maybe just to defend myself that I am not as bad as I think I am. And yeah, if you can’t deal with some very personal stuff of mine, maybe just stop reading here.
So what actually happened related to not being monogamous with Lee? Would I write that here? I tried to tell him, as I think it was not that bad at the time, although the more I think about my sex life, the more guilt I feel. As it seems I made big mistakes, unforgivable mistakes. But then, it seems sex is a very powerful force. And for most of my life my sexual needs were not met. So how can I blame myself so much for making mistakes in that area? Like the last eight months I had no sex, not with anybody. Yes, I had my internet encounters, but no sexual physical contact. And I miss that so much. I thought it was part of ‘normal life’, but apparently it isn’t. At least not for me.
Then, during my trip last year, I had three sexual encounters. Sounds like a lot to me, taking into account that I want to be monogamous, want to be strictly monogamous. But then again, the last time I had sex before was half a year before. And that was kind of a mistake, even though it could have lead to a relationship; at least that I was kind of hoping, thinking. But it didn’t. So another mistake.
And before that it was about half a year earlier or so? I don’t even remember the date, even though I can figure that out. That was the first time I allowed someone in the master bedroom, a big thing for me. And again, nothing really happened, but yes I was with someone, slept with someone. And was it sexual, well, yes and no I guess.
Before that I remember I met two people I had sexual encounters with. With one, the first, it was a big thing. I had decided to start dating, as Lee had been gone for so long, was mostly in Siargao. So I met someone and we set a date. And finally I decided to bring him home. And finally I decided we would sleep together. And just before that, I texted Lee, as I didn’t really want it, as I really wanted to be with him, stay with him, only have sex with him. So I sent him a very emotional ‘love text’. And the reply stunned me. And then the answer stunned me. And then there was indeed nothing that stopped me to continue what I was doing. And again, nothing really happened, but yes, the encounter was sexual. And I remember how good it felt to hold someone; and to be held by someone. That warm feeling of closeness. That felt soooooo good.
And then, of course I fell in love, as I easily fall in love. But then, also kind of course, it appeared not to be mutual. So another lost cause. Pattern repeating?
And around that time I was connecting to someone else also. And he came to the house. And I just wanted to hug, to hold. And that was the only time there was real sex involved. And no, again, not all the way, but yes, real sex. And after that he just left, not even wanting to stay to sleep with me. And sleeping together is the most important thing, not just having sex. The worse thing was that it happened twice, in a similar way. Me not really wanting it, but yes, allowing it. And again, the first time the feeling was so great. It had been soooooo long since I had some kind of real sex.
Before that, between 2012 and 2015 Lee and I came together again somehow, but not really. And that meant practically no sex, no love making, at least not satisfying to me. And yes, that all goes back to communication as far as I know now. And yes, I was so happy he was back, but I didn’t know how to connect to him in the right way. And I guess that is why he left me behind so much, sexually, intimately. But then, I guess we have never really been good at that. And I guess I am not the only one in that situation.
And 2012 was crazy, as Lee really had left me. I really felt we had broken up. And I was devastated. And yes, with my frustration about not having sex for many, many years, I started dating. Well, not really dating I guess, but just looking for some kind of comfort, any comfort. And strange, reading 2012, as that is five years ago now. A pretty long time. And since then nothing really changed, at least not in sexual matters, even though the last one or two years I made an awful lot of progress after joining Coda.
So what happened in 2012? Well, actually it was crazy, but I guess I can be a bit easy on myself as I was really devastated my second relationship had ended, at least so I believed. So I was about to kill myself and nothing really mattered anymore. Basically three things happened. The first was that I kind of started ‘something’ with some guy I met through a friend. And that ‘through a friend’ made me trust him. How wrong was I, as later on I found out they were not really close friends or something. And that guy, I don’t even remember his name, was nice to me, touched me in a nice way, in a way I never really experienced before. So one day I found myself lying together with him on the couch. And yes, the feeling was great, how he touched me, caressed me. Neither Nico, nor Lee had ever really done that. Nor any of the other guys I had been dating. It had always been about ‘relationship’ or merely ‘sex’, not that feeling of mutual caressing. And please don’t get me wrong, as I considered I had a good relationship with Nico as well as with Lee. So well, I found myself lying on the couch with that guy. And the next day or a few days after again. And the weird thing was that exactly that event made me turn around, made me realize I only wanted Lee, and nobody else. So I decided to write a love letter to him, and yes, I did a lot of effort on that. As I only wanted, and still want, him, Lee.
The kind of funny or sad thing was that the moment Lee received my love letter, he also somehow found out that I had been ‘loving, loving’ with some guy on the couch here. He later told me that that had made him very confused, that he didn’t know what to believe, which of course I understand. But believe me, the only thing I want and wanted is being together with Lee again, no matter what I do or what you see or how strange I may behave.
Mmm, I need to stop now, as I still don’t know if it is wise to share this here. But then again, as I have learned in Coda, it is not up to me to decide what other people think.