Tag Archives: Diary


So I got this life. And I don’t feel happy. And they say I can make a new start any day, any moment, and of course that is true.

However, I have a lot of things around me, have ‘history’, have things I feel responsible for, have things I want or maybe need to solve, so somehow it is true I can start anew, make a new start, but somehow also not.

And I am thinking a lot if I am codependent to my dogs, as often I ‘use’ the dogs to do things or not to do things. Somehow they prevent me from starting a new life elsewhere, as I feel responsible for them, feel connected to them, don’t want to leave them behind, as I think they would be less off without me than with me. And recently I just don’t know if that is really true, as they may just be happy with someone else or somewhere else. And I can’t even take care of them properly, as I don’t have the funds to buy proper medicines or even things like vitamins or proper vaccination. But yes, somehow they like me, somehow they are connected to me, somehow I am their (pack) leader. And for them that seems even better than having proper food or vitamins or medicines, the being with me.

Then I have this house, live in this house, that I love very much and that is also my home. But it is too expensive, I can’t properly maintain it, pay the mortgage, pay the property taxes and things like that. And of course it makes sense to sell it, just leave and find something else, find somewhere else to stay. But I don’t have any idea where to go or what would be a better place to stay than here in The Malasag House.

And somehow in the end it seems all to boil down to ‘money‘, and I have no clue why, or more like why I have not been able to find a way to receive enough money to do the things I want or need or think I need. And I use the word ‘receive’ intentionally, as I know now having money is not really about ‘earning’, something I always believed, something I grew up with, that money needs to be earned. And ‘earning’ means working hard, or maybe working long and hard. And yes, money can be earned by working long and hard, as I used to work long and hard, and indeed that ‘earned’ me quite some money. But somewhere on the way something changed, or something went wrong, as I kept working hard, but slowly I lost everything, even though part of that is due to simply overspending, simply spending more money than was available or came in.

And that brings me to another part of my ‘history’, as I am in debt, I have quite a big debt I have no clue how to pay back, as my income is not even enough to pay the interest on that debt, even though Is started reserving 10% of my earnings for debt payment, which I think was and is a good thing, a clever thing, as it gave me some of my self worth back, just working on paying that debt. But the last few months I hardly earned anything and used my emergency fund, a fund I started a few months ago by saving 10% of my earnings also there.

And of course I could just leave everything behind and just start somewhere new, but somehow that is theory and in practice I think very hard to achieve or do.

And yes, I know somehow my history, my past experiences block me from doing things, trying things, like I believe that I can never work again in a nine to five job, or basically I just don’t want to. But somehow that may be the beginning of something new and I might even like it, but my previous experiences make me believe now that I am not good in working nine to five jobs, working for a ‘boss’.

And yes, I know I am good at many things, have many talents and a lot of experience with many things, like web development, computer and network installation, even more advanced things and dog training.

But it is all pretty specialized knowledge and experience I have and it has proven not being easy to find people or companies needing that. And yes, I know about marketing, internet marketing, advertising, and have been even quite successful with some of it, but somehow I can’t seem to market myself, my service, my knowledge, my experience.

Like I have a lot of knowledge with setting up and maintaining a Microsoft Windows server network with replication, so I hardly ever lose any data as I have everything copied automatically to ‘the other’ location. Like last weekend one of my main servers had a big accident, and yes, it took and is taking me quite some effort to get everything back as I want to, but I did not really spend a lot of time and effort on it.

And I have been learning a lot about dogs and dog training the last half year since I started doing a similar thing as Cesar Millan does, so I would call myself an expert on some of that, even though I still have a lot to learn. But I am sure that I can help a lot of people dealing better with their dogs, and I did, but somehow the flow of clients dried up, even though I did some effort with advertising again recently.

Ah, so I am back to kind of diary type writing here. Not sure if that works, but then again, it is just me. And I would love to improve this article, this blog post, but maybe I won’t, maybe I will just keep on writing, making new blog posts.

Like in this article I want to add some photos and links, but I don’t feel like it right now and yes, I also tend to just post the article, even though it is not fully finished.

So I will do so now, and see what happens after.