I am mainly frustrated because I don’t have, or think I don’t have what I want. Or maybe I am mainly frustrated because I don’t know how to get what I want. But I think I never really wrote down what I want in a tangible way. Like mostly I say something like “I want my old life back, but in a better, more healthy way”, but I never really specified that I think. And with “my old life” I mainly mean the life Lee and I had together from 2003 to 2010 or so. But I also mean part of the life I had before, when I traveled the world together with Nico. As yes, that was fantastic, even though there was an underlying problem in our relationship most of the time. And the same was true in the time I was with Lee. I was happy and in love and we had a good life, but some things were wrong, very wrong I know now. And I guess it was the same or a similar thing going on. And I guess it goes back to codependency and to not loving myself and not having a spiritual foundation I could build from. And as I have been working very hard on the last I may be much closer to what I want than I think, even though it does not feel that way. Actually I feel worse than ever in my life before, even though I had a very bad time when I was a student, also being very depressed and suicidal. I remember driving on my Yamaha XZ550S and thinking with almost every truck I encountered whether I would drive into it or not. Well, somehow I didn’t, and I still don’t know why, as it would have been so easy.
And thinking of that bike, riding it was really fantastic. It was the best thing I ever did and I still miss it. And amazing I did not kill myself with it at the time, as I was young and could drive pretty fast most of the time on ordinary roads in The Netherlands, like 150 km/h, yes, really, 150 km/h on average country roads.
And yes, I consider myself a safe driver, not really taking risks, but 150 km/h on country roads, even good roads, is pretty fast, way too fast looking back, but I did it, and I never had an accident at the time. And I guess that is amazing, looking how much I used that bike as it was also my daily means of transportation, going anywhere I wanted and needed to go.
And I realize now that at the time nobody really knew me, how I enjoyed that bike and also how fast I drove and such. I guess at the time I was also already pretty alone, pretty lonely, very lonely.
But that is a sideline, although it brings me back to what I want, and also to thinking about how it all happened, why went down the drain so far and so deep.
As at the time I was very lonely and was already looking for a lover and partner I could not find. But what I had was safety, basically in the form of money. And some kind of outlook to the future as I was studying at the highest level University in The Netherlands and was supposed to get a good job after I was finished. And yes, maybe I was spoiled, getting Dfl. 1,000.00 per month as study allowance from my dad. And I got Dfl. 10,000.00 savings on my 18th birthday or something. Or my 21st , I don’t remember.
So that is what I want, feel financially safe again, as at the time I felt financially safe. Every month Dfl. 1,000.00 was deposited in my account and I had a few thousand guilders as savings. As right now I feel completely unsafe financially, as I don’t have enough money coming in on a monthly basis to sustain my current lifestyle. And my current lifestyle may be still pretty high, but it does not feel like extraordinary, especially not related to how I lived before, until 2001 or so.
And strange, writing this, as it seems financial security is the most important thing for me in life. As yes, I used to want a regular sex life, preferably, or actually only, through having a lifetime lover and partner, but I am pretty sure the last can be found if I am financially secure, if I feel financially secure. As, and I never realized this before, money CAN buy some kind of safety, some kind of security, some kind of feeling secure and safe. And I still believe if I would have been able to earn enough, pull of Active Discovery Designs in a way it would earn enough money to sustain our lifestyle, Lee would still be with me, would not have left me. Shortage of money, financial insecurity, seems to be a very bad thing, at least for me.
The good life
So what does “the good life” mean to me? Or what did it mean to me before and what would I want to get back or what do I want to retain? And what would I like to be changed, what would I like to be better?
Well, let me try to make a list:
- With Nico we often went out during weekends, mostly on initiative of Nico, some things I did on my initiative. And strange, looking back, I mostly, or virtually always joined Nico in his quests, in his hobbies, but he hardly joined mine. Or is that not true?
- With NIco, and also before, I had at least one large holiday per year, four weeks going some place far away, yes, as a tourist.
- With Nico I often went away for a weekend, to Berlin, or Paris, or some other place. Mostly camping, sometimes in hotels.
- With Nico I mostly had at least one extra week of holiday, going to Greece or something, but I also remember Portugal. And sometimes also just by car, to Eastern Germany or something.
- With Nico I often went out to good restaurants, like at least once a month, have a good night out having a very nice dinner. I miss that so much. Ah, and yes, Nico still does that. So weird he can and I can’t anymore. And I know with Lee that didn’t really work the same way, but still.
- With Nico there was enough money, so we could buy basically anything we wanted, especially food and such, but we also had nice furniture and things like that. And cars of course, each one car.
- With Lee I often went to the beach, yes, with the dogs, or with friends. I miss that so much, would like to do that again.
- With Lee I often went to Davao, visit family, or make other trips, yes, by car.
- We often went to the land in Salumay and made plans, worked there, had plans for the future there.
- We mostly held hands while driving. I love that feeling of being together, of being lovers. I miss that so much.
- With Lee as well as with Nico I really felt like being a couple. That feels so good to me.
- I would want the life at The Malasag House like before, when I was just working and Lee taking care of the house and guests and the garden, and inviting friends and guests.
What would I like to change, what would I want to be better? Well, this I guess:
- I would want to have a private sex life, just the two of us enjoying sex, enjoying making love, not the crazy sauna things and other things Nico and I did to escape our terrible difference in how to deal with sex. And not the things I did and still do when I feel Lee is not close to me, when he is not my lover. Or when he just (still) rejects me.
- I would like to be more like friends with my partner, just being able to talk about anything, discuss anything, without any fear. I guess I could combine that now with being lovers. That would be so great, being friends and partners and lovers at the same time. Who wouldn’t want that?
- I would not want to have that terrible feeling as I had when we had the Landcruiser, like something was terribly wrong. And various things were very wrong related to that.
- I wouldn’t want Lee to just leave, like what he did when he bought his property in Siargao. I want to stay together, do things together. Strangely enough I would want to be able to travel alone for my business, going around the world when I am rich and famous.
- Find a way to also have my own friends at The Malasag House, independent from Lee.
Ah, and my codependent treats come out so well making above list, as I often want to write ‘we’ instead of ‘I’, for things I did.
So what do I want, summarizing the above? Well, this I guess:
- Financial security.
- Some future outlook.
- “The good life”, like before, but then without the catch.