Wow, my aunt created something by mentioning I could use some more emotional intelligence. As while reading about emotional intelligence on the Dutch Wikipedia I ended up in the site ‘eqi‘ that has a wealth about, well humans, human needs. And what happens when human needs are not met.
And suddenly, while reading about respect, I realized that my needs had not been taken into account when I grew up, that my dad ruled with fear, not with respect. And that this is probably the cause why my life went as it went, is what it is. As I only know fear, not respect.
And don’t get me wrong, this has nothing to do with my dad, as he just did what he could, did what he thought was best, I guess, or actually I am sure, even more. But it was not enough, not for me, not for my needs.
And right now I feel very relaxed, even though while writing this sentence the fear jumps up again, as it seems I am just scared to be relaxed, to be me. Just scared that I count, that my feelings and needs and wants count. And not my dads, yes, what, also needs and feelings and wants?
So an hour or so ago I was overwhelmed with fatigue, so overwhelmed that I felt the need to lie down, and I did. But it felt good as it seems I got answers, maybe the most important answer in my life so far, that it may be all about respect, not fear.
And I was thinking about my dad, how he had become like he did. And I always wonder if it was because he served in the military at a very young age, something he didn’t want, something he was forced to do. And something I know also had a big influence on his life, his career, as he often mentioned those few years just put him behind, just made he felt always behind his colleagues who had not had that three year break. And right now I am thinking if I inherited that thinking from him, as I also always felt behind in my career, not sure knowing why, except that I had quite some difficulties in my youth when I grew up, partially or mainly because I am gay.
And it is strange, thinking about my dad, as if he were as strong, as stubborn as I am, it may indeed have been very true that he was broken by the military discipline (Dutch word ‘tucht’). Or maybe he was broken additionally by losing his wife at a pretty young age, together with the child she was bearing. And I guess there was no psychological help at the time, no internet where you can find all those things, thoughts about things like grieving and fear and respect. Or maybe it also started earlier for him, when he had to take care of his semi-brother, the son of a brother and sister of his, at least that is waht I know, even though I don’t know the full story about that. But I know my dad was being teased about it at school, by his classmates or something.
And yes, while thinking, those things made him also believe he ‘had to’ do all kinds of things, the phrase I am most haunted by, ‘have to’. He even took care of his semi-brother when he was old as apparently people closer to uncle Gerard, like his real father or mother or their children, didn’t seem to care. Or just didn’t know they could have done it.
So maybe there are parallels with me also there, as I felt obliged to be the responsible person for my sister, who was mentally handicapped. And that has put me in great trouble now, even though of course I made the mistakes there myself. And that feels so unfair, as I felt obliged, and did take the responsibility, only to find out that now I am in trouble and blamed for all kinds of things, things that would have never happened if I hadn’t felt obliged.
So yeah, this reading about fear and respect and realizing that this all comes from the family I grew up in, made me think about my dad, about his life, how it had all come to be. So it feels like my heart opens right now, seeing the life of my dad, asking myself how he dealt with all those things, impossible things to deal with. And I guess if he were still alive I would have liked to know more about that, how he became what he became, but maybe he wouldn’t know, maybe he had locked his feelings also away, same like me.
And while writing the last I realize he told me about that, that there were things he had locked away, things he didn’t want to touch, didn’t want to feel, didn’t want to know. What a pity he probably was never able to deal with those things and live a happy, free life.
And he always looked so controlled, and always said he was happy. But I never believed him, and neither did my mam, as she also always said something like ‘he says he is happy’. And I know my mam was kind of jealous of that, that my dad was ‘happy’.
And maybe he was, maybe he did find a way to deal with all the bad stuff that had happened to him in his life. But the more I think about this now, the more I don’t believe that, the more I believe that he must have been very unhappy, just coping with life, similar to what I seem to have been doing most of my life.
So I guess I will ask him, later today, in my mind. And maybe this time he will open up, as it felt that he never really opened up to me. Maybe those were just the things that stood between him and me, the things he couldn’t talk about, the things he had hidden away, or found some other way to deal with.
So I guess I have to thank my aunt for her e-mail, for being blunt and honest with me, in her own way. And I am still not sure what is really going on inside her, as recently she appeared in the way my mam often describes her, ‘nuchter’ (down to earth), same as she described my dad. And it seems I also lost her, as she indicated she doesn’t want to communicate anymore. And I am always in doubt with her, as she always says I should not write here, and in my Dutch blog, especially my Dutch blog, in public. But I also know she reads at least the stuff in my Dutch blog, very regularly. And that always makes me smile, especially as I know I don’t have so many readers there, but I know I have, or had, a loyal reader. And the strange thing is she may even be the person that helps me continue writing, especially my Dutch blog. As I know I have at least one reader and yes, writing in public is also a way for me to tell people things, so sometimes I try to tell her things, just like now. That somehow I appreciate her, even though I understand her less and less recently. And that she is still helping me, even much, much more than before, when she was the only one who I felt understood what was going on here.
So no, I don’t want to offend her. I am just looking for ways to tell her I appreciate her being there for me, even though she may not fully understand what I mean and that I think it is really genuine. And is it love, no not really. I don’t know exactly what it is. But I am just thankful for everything she has done and is doing for me, even if she is not communicating.
And I guess I am not good at these things, just talk too much, like now. So let this be it.