Tag Archives: Gratitude

God and Gratitude and Success

For quite a while I want to start writing here, but I couldn’t find the power (strength?) for it. I guess the main reason was and is that I am, or at least feel, completely unsuccessful. Actually my situation got worse, at least financially, at least that is how it feels. And no, I am not fully sure, as I still have quite a lot of capital invested, e.g. in The Malasag House. And I am or was still not able to get enough or more clients, and my dog training start up appears to not have been successful also. I thought finally God gave me something that worked, that I could put myself into and be successful with, but no.

And even money was stolen from my Savings Box, finally even the whole box was gone. I still don’t know exactly was the message of that. Yes, be careful with money, keep it safe and guarded. I now remember Napoleon Hill wrote something about that in Think and Grow Rich, that people do anything for money. So apparently they do. And to me it was not even money, it was just a symbol how you can create a lot over time from virtually nothing. But apparently it was not ‘nothing’ anymore. And of course it was ‘money’ for other people. And yes, of course also for me, as I wanted to use the money to buy a new Rottweiler.

So what made me write today? Well, I guess the progress I made through my Twelve Step Program, the results from that even. And somehow it seems to all go back to Infinite Intelligence and ‘go with the flow’. And a main keyword seems to be gratitude, be grateful.

I guess it all started to be more positive when I got a Rottweiler for free last week; yes, for free. And the strange thing is that I prayed for that ‘a Rottweiler for free’. And I lost my belief in God, the God from the bible, long time ago, but recently I started praying, started praying again, yes, somehow to that God. And amazingly last week I got a Rottweiler for free. (Of course) there was some kind of catch, but nonetheless, who gets a Rottweiler for free? And I am not even sure if I asked for it or told anybody related to Arf, the Rottweiler I got. So it was really a miracle, a Rottweiler offered to me.

Another thing I started more serious with recently was keeping a gratitude diary. I did that before, but this time I decided to write five things I am grateful for every day in a diary every night before I go to sleep. It was a suggestion from my sponsor and at first I was very skeptical and hesitant, but she kept insisting ‘just do it’, so somehow I did it, no, not believing at first.

But somehow it started to work and I have indeed no clue how. Somehow I started becoming more grateful for things even during daytime, no matter what ‘bad’ things are happening to me, with me. And against what I was expecting, like that I was forcing it, I can really be grateful for almost anything, in any circumstance. As I am starting to see there are always things I can be grateful for. Like even things that I was able to just eat or that I still live in a beautiful house (even though I can’t really afford it at the moment and it is kind of falling apart due to lack of maintenance). But the house is still there and the view is still beautiful, even one of the most beautiful views in the world, and it is just a functioning house, no matter the state of maintenance.

Or that I can still buy snacks in the city, just a drink or a candy bar or something. Or just go to McDonalds and treat myself eating out, not cooking myself. Or indeed things that I can still breathe; and that the air I breathe is free. And I don’t mean the last one as corny, I can really feel that, mean that.

And amazingly, apparently linked to being more grateful (instead of complaining), more good things seem to come to me. Like I was introduced to some religious fellowship and there is just food available, food for free. And I don’t mean to take advantage of that, but financially I am very tight, so I just accept it as, indeed, a gift of God, not a gift from people. And of course I hope one day I can do for other people what people are doing for me right now, but it doesn’t feel like abuse or something to me right now, where before it would.

So praying and being grateful somehow seem to work. And no, don’t ask me how, but apparently it does. I guess I am just more open to everything, to the Universe (or God) working in ways I don’t understand, never could imagine. And that is something I also learned from my Twelve Step Program, something like ‘it works’ (or it doesn’t). I don’t need to understand why something is working or not working. I can just accept it, also accepting I don’t know everything, don’t have all the answers, something that was, and kind of still is, very difficult for me to accept, as I don’t understand it. And my analytical mind wants to understand everything, control everything. But indeed, somehow we are not in control, somehow there is a God, or an Infinite Intelligence, that is working in different ways than I as a human can understand.

So yes, I want to suggest to start to be grateful, start trying to find (five) things to be grateful for every day and write them down. And start praying, praying to whatever Higher Power makes sense to you, whatever Higher Power you can somehow find some belief in if you don’t believe in God or something.

As that is what I am learning, seeing and believing more and more. That there must be something bigger than what we humans are. There must be, as there are things outside of us out of our control.

Emotional Intelligence

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Wow, my aunt created something by mentioning I could use some more emotional intelligence. As while reading about emotional intelligence on the Dutch Wikipedia I ended up in the site ‘eqi‘ that has a wealth about, well humans, human needs. And what happens when human needs are not met.

And suddenly, while reading about respect, I realized that my needs had not been taken into account when I grew up, that my dad ruled with fear, not with respect. And that this is probably the cause why my life went as it went, is what it is. As I only know fear, not respect.

And don’t get me wrong, this has nothing to do with my dad, as he just did what he could, did what he thought was best, I guess, or actually I am sure, even more. But it was not enough, not for me, not for my needs.

And right now I feel very relaxed, even though while writing this sentence the fear jumps up again, as it seems I am just scared to be relaxed, to be me. Just scared that I count, that my feelings and needs and wants count. And not my dads, yes, what, also needs and feelings and wants?

So an hour or so ago I was overwhelmed with fatigue, so overwhelmed that I felt the need to lie down, and I did. But it felt good as it seems I got answers, maybe the most important answer in my life so far, that it may be all about respect, not fear.

And I was thinking about my dad, how he had become like he did. And I always wonder if it was because he served in the military at a very young age, something he didn’t want, something he was forced to do. And something I know also had a big influence on his life, his career, as he often mentioned those few years just put him behind, just made he felt always behind his colleagues who had not had that three year break. And right now I am thinking if I inherited that thinking from him, as I also always felt behind in my career, not sure knowing why, except that I had quite some difficulties in my youth when I grew up, partially or mainly because I am gay.

And it is strange, thinking about my dad, as if he were as strong, as stubborn as I am, it may indeed have been very true that he was broken by the military discipline (Dutch word ‘tucht’). Or maybe he was broken additionally by losing his wife at a pretty young age, together with the child she was bearing. And I guess there was no psychological help at the time, no internet where you can find all those things, thoughts about things like grieving and fear and respect. Or maybe it also started earlier for him, when he had to take care of his semi-brother, the son of a brother and sister of his, at least that is waht I know, even though I don’t know the full story about that. But I know my dad was being teased about it at school, by his classmates or something.

And yes, while thinking, those things made him also believe he ‘had to’ do all kinds of things, the phrase I am most haunted by, ‘have to’. He even took care of his semi-brother when he was old as apparently people closer to uncle Gerard, like his real father or mother or their children, didn’t seem to care. Or just didn’t know they could have done it.

So maybe there are parallels with me also there, as I felt obliged to be the responsible person for my sister, who was mentally handicapped. And that has put me in great trouble now, even though of course I made the mistakes there myself. And that feels so unfair, as I felt obliged, and did take the responsibility, only to find out that now I am in trouble and blamed for all kinds of things, things that would have never happened if I hadn’t felt obliged.

So yeah, this reading about fear and respect and realizing that this all comes from the family I grew up in, made me think about my dad, about his life, how it had all come to be. So it feels like my heart opens right now, seeing the life of my dad, asking myself how he dealt with all those things, impossible things to deal with. And I guess if he were still alive I would have liked to know more about that, how he became what he became, but maybe he wouldn’t know, maybe he had locked his feelings also away, same like me.

And while writing the last I realize he told me about that, that there were things he had locked away, things he didn’t want to touch, didn’t want to feel, didn’t want to know. What a pity he probably was never able to deal with those things and live a happy, free life.

And he always looked so controlled, and always said he was happy. But I never believed him, and neither did my mam, as she also always said something like ‘he says he is happy’. And I know my mam was kind of jealous of that, that my dad was ‘happy’.

And maybe he was, maybe he did find a way to deal with all the bad stuff that had happened to him in his life. But the more I think about this now, the more I don’t believe that, the more I believe that he must have been very unhappy, just coping with life, similar to what I seem to have been doing most of my life.

So I guess I will ask him, later today, in my mind. And maybe this time he will open up, as it felt that he never really opened up to me. Maybe those were just the things that stood between him and me, the things he couldn’t talk about, the things he had hidden away, or found some other way to deal with.

So I guess I have to thank my aunt for her e-mail, for being blunt and honest with me, in her own way. And I am still not sure what is really going on inside her, as recently she appeared in the way my mam often describes her, ‘nuchter’ (down to earth), same as she described my dad. And it seems I also lost her, as she indicated she doesn’t want to communicate anymore. And I am always in doubt with her, as she always says I should not write here, and in my Dutch blog, especially my Dutch blog, in public. But I also know she reads at least the stuff in my Dutch blog, very regularly. And that always makes me smile, especially as I know I don’t have so many readers there, but I know I have, or had, a loyal reader. And the strange thing is she may even be the person that helps me continue writing, especially my Dutch blog. As I know I have at least one reader and yes, writing in public is also a way for me to tell people things, so sometimes I try to tell her things, just like now. That somehow I appreciate her, even though I understand her less and less recently. And that she is still helping me, even much, much more than before, when she was the only one who I felt understood what was going on here.

So no, I don’t want to offend her. I am just looking for ways to tell her I appreciate her being there for me, even though she may not fully understand what I mean and that I think it is really genuine. And is it love, no not really. I don’t know exactly what it is. But I am just thankful for everything she has done and is doing for me, even if she is not communicating.

And I guess I am not good at these things, just talk too much, like now. So let this be it.

Gratitude diary

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Yes, I am keeping a gratitude diary. Or at least every day I add a few lines to a page in my Dutch blog. But mostly I don’t feel happy, or grateful. So I kind of force myself to write some items in that page. And yes, somehow spending some time every day on that page makes me focus on something like being grateful or happy about at least some things during the day. But it’s not a real gratitude diary as mostly I don’t feel it, mostly I don’t feel grateful.

And it was someone who wrote me an e-mail letter a few weeks who pointed this out to me as she asked something like whether I really felt grateful about the things I write in that page. And I realize mostly I don’t. And that made me think. And of course it stuck in my thoughts for various reasons.

And the last few days things get more clear. As somehow my codependent behavior may be the cause that I feel so unhappy, that I can’t really be grateful, can’t really make a real gratitude diary. As I realize more and more that I am more concerned with the feelings and behavior of others than of that of myself, that I often don’t even know what I feel. And yes, of course I know I feel tense. But that seems about the only things I feel, tense or unhappy. Or both.

The strange thing I am reading though about codependency is that being codependent means that you have difficulty being alone. Which I don’t have. And I consider myself pretty autonomous with my own ideas and such. But I do have problems maintaining healthy relationships as it seems, mostly after a while, people are abandoning or avoiding me.

Anyhow, it seems at least I am slowly getting some sense of what’s going on. And that’s a start for being grateful, happy and satisfying personal relationships.

Something changed

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My router, or actually one of my routers, died, or is possibly still very sick. And normally I would be very annoyed, and yes, of course I still am kind of, but I noticed something changed, as I noticed that I just say to it ‘thank you’, thank you for all the years you have served me. And it has been sick for quite a while and I have been trying to keep using it, which kind of worked, but right now it seems it doesn’t run at all anymore, as I can’t seem to connect to it. And this may sound strange, but normally I will just do anything to get something like routers, computers and such fixed. And yes, I will still try a bit more :).

But what changed is that instead of mainly being annoyed I am grateful, grateful for the years it has served me, even though it has been sick for quite a while, probably causing a lot of problems a while ago, even though I can’t fully figure out if it was the router causing those problems.

And this router being broken makes me think that devices like repeaters and routers, and mostly also desktop computers and other electronics seem to have a pretty long lifespan, while the last years I often experience that a lot of household equipment is not as good as it used to be, as I remember it was ten, twenty or more years ago when I was still living in The Netherlands. And the lifespan of things, especially the short lifespan of a refrigerator we bought a few years ago that gave up after four years or so, bothers me a bit. As I know of many refrigerators running for ten, twenty or more years, without any problems, except looking worse and worse. But still working, still useful.

And it reminds me how a company like Acer, where it is kind of funny I am using a laptop from Acer right now, doesn’t seem to care about customer service. As e.g. for this model, a ‘cheap’ model, there is no support or warranty after one year. A while ago when I needed something like software,drivers or something, I found that one year after buying their whole support system stops. You can’t even send them an e-mail anymore.

And I guess they have good reasons for that, as I presume customer support is very expensive and margins may be very small. But it is very strange to me that a supplier stops all support after one year, especially as we bought an Acer again as the old one had been running for years and years to full satisfaction, even though that one also didn’t look that good anymore, as it began to fall apart physically. But even after the hinges and such were broken, it just ran, and we used it for many, many years to full satisfaction. Contrary to the one I am using now, that is currently using its third hard disk. As the first hard disk died after one and a half year or so, which is too soon to me for a hard disk to fail, as I have many hard disks that are four years old or more and are running fine. So no, no warranty after one and a half year. So I had to buy a new one, that gave up soon after it had been installed. And yes, that one was replaced, even though the cause of the hard disk problems appeared to be a problem with the cooling, as there was a lot of dust blocking the ventilation holes.

And the weird thing is that you are not allowed to open it, as then warranty will stop. But then you can’t clean it. And the technician indicated it was our fault that the hard disk broke, as we hadn’t cleaned the laptop…

Anyhow, I am complaining now I see, contrary to how I started this post. So yes, thank you, equipment and manufacturers and service people who make things work for a long time and who give proper service. And Acer, maybe you should review your quality and support policies. As where I bought a new Acer because the old one did so well, I won’t buy an Acer again, as I believe a laptop should last longer than two years or so and even after that period there should still be service.

And for your information, my router is or was a Netgear. And I guess I would buy a Netgear again, but I hope they didn’t change like Acer did, I hope they still deliver quailty, which they certainly did with the router I have now.

I was very grateful today

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I was very grateful today being shown in the house of some apparently very rich people, where before I would just have been jealous. But today I really enjoyed someone putting so much attention in a beautiful house on the beach, creating such a beautiful place.

So yes, it seems good things are coming closer to me, it seems I am getting closer to the success I am looking for, or actually the successes I am looking for.

So thank you, Infinite Intelligence, for letting this happen to me, thank you!