Tag Archives: Fear


I feel so much fear and I only realized how much fear I feel when I was just meditating with some videos from Lisa A. Romano on YouTube about healing the inner child and healing from narcissistic abuse. But the fear must be much older than suffering from narcissistic abuse from my last partner, as I realize as a child I was also scared, looked scared. So maybe indeed many or most or all things we feel or experience go back to childhood or even before that.

And when thinking about that fear I am often thinking it is the fear of being conscious, the fear of being alive, the fear of being. As I guess even God or Whatever created us, may feel the same fear, may also feel alone, be alone. Although what I was just writing doesn’t make sense if there is indeed a Creator of Everything. Or does it?

Ah, these things go beyond the human mind, beyond what humans are capable of understanding.

And I have no clue where this post is going. I just felt the need to write, to share. Ah, maybe it would be nice to see some comments here, comments about being alone, maybe comments about being The One.

Thanks for reading this, Guus.

My trip in 2016

At the end of 2016 I made a trip, a four week trip, and while writing it is still 2016, only two weeks or so after I returned from my trip. And I wrote several posts already about this trip, but I wanted to add a post about the journey I made, the places I visited, the route I followed, so I am starting that now here.

And I am not fully sure when I started my trip, but as far as I remember it was November 16, 2016, a Thursday if I remember well. And of course I can check that date, as there must be messages or photos or whatever relating to that date, or the days after. And it was weird how this trip started, as at first it was a long time suggestion of my (ex-)partner. And no, I still don’t know if he is my ex or if he is still my partner. He says he is not, but somehow we are still related, still connected. He is even still here, even though I asked him to stay away from me, from here, as I wanted to recover from the loss, from him leaving me.

But that is another story and I don’t really want to write about that here now, or maybe not even at all, although that may be also good. As I have learned that sharing helps, sharing anything, can even inspire other people, no matter how weird or sad or bad the story is.

Anyhow, so I left on I think November 16, 2016, and yes, it was my own choice. And at the time I was kind of running away, away from home, away from Malasag, away from my obligations, away from the dogs, away from everything. And yes, looking back I needed it, looking back my (ex-)partner was right, I really needed a break, away from everything, as I had been stuck for quite a while, actually a very long time, in Malasag, in my home, The Malasag House.

And it was hard leaving, as I did not know whether I could trust my (ex-)partner with everything, as he had offered to take care of everything while I would be away. I did not know if I could trust him with the house, the stuff inside, the dogs, everything. But somehow I knew I needed to get away, get out, to “find myself” as my (ex-)partner called what he suggested I would do. So finally I did.

And right now I planned to make an overview of my trip, like a summary of the route I took, the places I visited:

  1. First photo during my tripMy first stop was Butuan, where I changed bus. And it was a stop, as I had a nice conversation with one of the shop keepers. I don’t recall his name now, but maybe I will later. Actually my first good experience, as I had many, many good experiences during my trip.
  2. My second stop was Maasin, where I had planned to stay, as someone I knew who I wanted to visit had not replied. And here the first miracle happened, as just when I was about to tell the conductor I wanted to continue to Ormoc, the destination of the bus, I received a text from my friend that he would like me to visit him. So I got off the bus in Maasin.
  3. After getting off the bus in Maasin I realized I was already too far, quite a bit too far, as my friend lives in Sogod, a municipality about one and a half hour away by public transport from Maasin. As I really wanted to see him I decided to go back, back to Sogod.
  4. Sogod was my first real stop, the first place where I felt safe and comfortable after kind of running away from home, from Malasag. Bus terminal SogodAnd I forgot how long I stayed. I think it was three nights. And it was good being with a friend, being with a family, being with people that felt good, that I trusted, even though I barely knew them. So yes, there are people everywhere where a human being can stay, no matter what. I was very grateful staying there, even though they were very poor, so I even had to sleep on a bed without a mattress, but I felt safe and comfortable and taken care of.
  5. After Sogod I left for Legazpi, my first real planned stop, as before leaving Malasag my first planned itinerary was go to Manila by bus, but make a stop over in Legazpi as I thought it was too long a trip to go to Manila in one setting. I also had never been in Legazpi, and while researching my trip I found it is a tourist destination, so it sounded like a good first stop. And it was.
  6. And again, several miracles happened, first just finding a hotel very easily and smoothly after being dropped off the bus in what looked like a very strange location, and after when leaving Legazpi, just getting a bus ticket and a bus by some hunch I got while waiting for my phone to charge.
  7. My next stop was Boracay. And getting there was really a crazy trip, but I loved it, even though I decided not to push through getting there through Masbate, a route that looked shorter, but also looked very adventurous and unsure. Reason to go there was that a friend of mine is working there and as we were never able to meet, due to budget constraints, I decided to go there. And doing it at this part of my trip was because he had planned to leave for Manila a few days o after, so we might have been able to travel together, as my next planned stop was still Manila. I also had never been to Boracay, and living in The Philippines for so long I really wanted to go there, even though I expected not to like it there. How wrong was I, as I really loved Boracay after arriving there, staying there for a few days.
  8. After my (first) stay in Boracay I finally went to what had been my first goal as a destination: Manila. I arrived there early morning waiting for a friend to wake up as I had asked him if I could go there and have breakfast as I was too early to check in in the hotel I booked. I stayed two nights in Manila before going to the main goal of this trip: Luzon, and then go to the most northern tip, which would be the farthest (north) I had planned to go on this trip.
  9. My next goal after Manila was Pagudpud, as I decided to first go to the farthest point and then slowly go down, visiting the Baguio/Sagada area, another goal of this trip as I have been living in The Philippines for a long time, but never went to that popular area. Unfortunately, or looking back maybe fortunately, there was no direct bus from Manila to Pagudpud at the time I had planned to leave, so I decided to go to Laoag instead, and go from there.
  10. So I think something like my first goal not reached, as I had planned to go to Pagudpud and not to Laoag.

    Saint William Cathedral Laoag.

    But it seemed God had planned something better for me than I had done, as I visited a Dutch friend that I knew from the internet and he toured me around Laoag for about the whole first day I was in Laoag.

  11. The next day I still went to Pagudpud on a day trip, so I did reach that goal also, although that day I did not reach my main destination of my trip: the northern tip of Luzon. Again, not reaching that goal was a lesson for me, and a deliberate choice, as I did not want to end up as I had ended up one day in Boracay: totally wet and with a broken umbrella.
  12. Then the next day I wanted to reach the Sagada area, preferably via the shortcut via Cervantes. And my target, my goal was Bontoc, a municipality somewhere in the middle of the Sagada area that seemed a good starting point for my next target, probably Baguio. And this was the second time I did not reach my goal for a day. Domog Village Inn Bistro and Café.As when I arrived in Cervantes there was no more transportation to Bontoc, so I ended up in Bauko. And again, not reaching my goal was not a bad thing as I ended up in a very nice inn, Domog Village Inn Bistro and Café. You can read more in the post Unexpected Baguio.
  13. The next day I indeed reached Bontoc, but basically only passed through as I had decided to make some kind of round trip in the Sagada area. So my next target was Banaue.
  14. And again, God changed my plan, as when arriving in Banaue I was not able to find immediate transportation to Baguio City. But that was a very positive experience, as it gave me the opportunity to roam around in Banaue for a few hours, enough for me to get the feel of a place before moving on. You can read more about my Sagada experience in my post about Laguna.
  15. After Banaue my plan was to go back to Manila, passing through Baguio. And the last was a big detour, but I wanted to be able to say I have been to Baguio as that is a very famous place in North Luzon. I ended up only staying five minutes on Baguio soil, as the van dropped me off at the bus station and a bus to Manila was already waiting. But at least I have been to Baguio LOL, so I don’t have to explain I went to North Luzon and did not visit Baguio.
  16. The trip from Banaue to Manila lasted much longer than I expected, so I arrived or would arrive in Manila somewhere in the (early) morning. As the friends I wanted to visit were not available I decided to skip Manila and continue to my next stop, Liliw, where a friend of mine is living I wanted to visit and already agreed with I could stay for one or more nights.
  17. After two or three nights in Liliw I decided to continue my journey and go to Boracay again as I had enjoyed Boracay so much. This meant going to Batangas again to probably cross over to Calapan, take a van again to Roxas or Bulalacao. So I did, traveled overnight from Liliw to Boracay through San Pablo, Batangas, CalapanRoxas and Caticlan (of course).
  18. I think I spent two nights in Boracay again and it was indeed a similar experience as the first time. I enjoyed very much being a tourist again in a place focused on tourism. My last night was kind of weird, a prayer being answered in a way nobody could have ever imagined. I still don’t understand how that was organized.
  19. I left Boracay early morning towards my next stop: Iloilo City, where I was planning to meet a friend, which I did. I only stayed one night and the morning and around noon I left for my next stop: Bacolod, where I was hoping to meet a friend.
  20. As my friend did not respond I decided to continue to basically my last destination: Dumaguete, a city I know pretty well as I have been there many times.

And right now I feel like I have to stop writing here, as it just doesn’t feel good anymore, but of course I will continue the description of my itinerary later. Actually I was writing about planning. And planning, good planning, happy planning, relates to this trip, so that is why I (also) wanted to write about this trip. As I reached all my goals, or virtually all my goals during this trip, and I wanted to know how I did that, as in real life things seem to be so hard and impossible, where during this trip everything went smooth, even though often I was still scared and anxious, especially when I thought of my next destination, how I would get there and if there would be a place to sleep, a place to stay. And amazingly, or maybe not so amazing, there was always a place to stay, always a place to sleep, always transportation. And there were always people, helpful people. And even more amazing, none of my fears came true, literally none. Or maybe one or two did, but solutions were available, and the found solutions for the fears that came true were even better or at least as good as my original goal or plan.

So yes, this trip was (also) about fear, about conquering my fears. And as said NONE of those fears became reality in a way that was scary or something. NONE.

Self analysis, question 49

I am a bit scared of today’s question as it is again about people around me. And I don’t have many people around me, neither private nor in business and that kind of worries me. And I have thought about that a lot and I still can’t find the answer why, except that it appears that most people seem to experience that I have a negative attitude and that I am complaining a lot. And there must be something to that, even though I can’t get that confirmed from everyone and everywhere.

So mostly I am alone and related to today’s question that may make it difficult to answer as today’s question is “Are your intimate associates mentally superior or inferior to you”?

Or maybe not, as I guess people may consider me thinking always to be superior of them as I often think I am ‘right’. And I am pretty intelligent, so I may even actually often be right (about intellectual things).

So right now I feel like I have no intimate associates, but if I think about the people I am dealing with related to business I think they are mostly about equal to me, even though I may still be more intelligent than them. But with the last I may be wrong as many people I deal with have some kind of University degree, so they must also be intelligent.

And related to the question about being mentally superior or inferior it comes to my mind that emotionally I guess most people are superior to me, at least that is what I believe now. But this may not be true as in some (emotional) areas I think I am pretty good, even though people may not always see that.

So something to think more about, the being or feeling superior or inferior to other people.

Self analysis, question 42

I still feel very stressed so it seems that my journey of working from Think and Grow Rich didn’t deliver what I expected from it. Or maybe better say, hoped from it. And I still can’t imagine other people feel as stressed as I do, or did most of my life. So how would I ever live a normal life with a little happiness and such in it? And would answering these self analysis questions help?

Anyhow, it is often said that one should never give up, so let’s just continue working on the self analysis questions, even though I got an e-mail just half an hour ago that hit me very hard as it is about something I have no clue how to solve it.

But let’s just persist and work on today’s question: “Are you conscious of possessing spiritual forces of sufficient power to enable you to keep your mind free from all kinds of fear”?

And the answer is definitely ‘no’. Or isn’t it? As I just feel very stressed, which makes me think ‘fear’, so I feel like I don’t have sufficient power to keep me free from stress. And I feel very poor, which makes me feel very bad, but it doesn’t mean I fear poverty (anymore?). As being in this state of feeling poor, which I still don’t really am as I still have quite some capital in the form of part ownership in The Malasag House, so if that is sold (or mortgaged further) I am out of direct financial trouble.

Anyhow, everything lately seems to point to spirituality, so maybe I should look more in that direction to deal with my stress, with my feeling tortured by, yes, who or what?

Self analysis, question 39

I just got an e-mail I don’t like so much as it is a request for additional information about mistakes I have made. And it makes me scared and it also annoys me, as I could have never made the mistakes if I wouldn’t have taken the responsibility I took. So I am quite affected by this in a negative way as I hoped I would have gotten away with my mistakes but apparently I didn’t.

So what does this mean? Should I have never taken this responsibility? I guess not. And what have I learned from it? Well, not sure, as I believe I still make similar mistakes.

Anyhow, maybe just go with today’s self analysis question, as I am trying to develop the habit of not dealing with things straight away, like dealing with this e-mail or answering it right now. But I do feel very uncomfortable right now, but maybe today’s question will help me get some more clarity on this.

And today’s question is “Do you form your own opinions or permit yourself to be influenced by other people”? And I guess this certainly relates to the situation related to the e-mail, as my own opinion is that I made mistakes, but the other side also made mistakes. And other involved parties made mistakes. And I am certainly influenced by other people in this case as I take their opinions so serious that I am really affected by it.

Ah, and another opinion of myself is that I still don’t know how I could have done things differently as given the same situation, the same circumstances I would probably do the same.

And how would I make up for the mistakes, correct the mistakes? Well, that is a very difficult question that I don’t know how to answer, as I don’t see any reasonable way to correct the mistakes. And I am quite sure the other party or parties involved would know how I should correct the mistakes. But I don’t agree with that opinion. As they are not me and don’t know my exact situation, don’t know what I feel, where I stand, why I did and do what I did and do.

And this all goes back to that we all grow up by experiencing others opinions, about right and wrong for example.

So what is really ‘my’ opinion?