I am feeling a lot of emotional pain again and I wanted to write about it. And I found this page named “Emotional Pain” and it doesn’t seem to be so much about emotional pain. Strange, I created this page on April 14, 2013, more than five years ago and nothing much seems to have changed, at least I am still feeling (a lot of) emotional pain, again, as I think in between it has been less, much less, but lately I feel it again.
And I am starting to understand that I must be feeling a lot more emotional pain than the average person, as when I ask other people about that, or just about how they feel, they seem to be much more happy than me, much more relaxed with life and not in (so much) emotional pain as I am.
Well, at least I made some progress, as at least I am more aware about this emotional pain thing of mine. And I guess it relates to the painbody Eckhart Tolle talks about; and it seems my painbody is much more active than the average pain body. And no, just accepting it ‘as is’ doesn’t diminish the pain mostly, at least not straight away.
So what will I do if I want to live a bit a more normal life, whatever that may be?
And I feel again paralyzed by my emotional pain and wanted to write about it and I notice that I wrote the above seven days ago, on November 19, 2018. So today is November 26, 2018 and it seems the emotional pain is still there or at least showed up very heavy yesterday and today.
Googling “emotional pain” brought me to a page with recovery tips from emotional pain. And strange I didn’t write earlier this week, so somehow the pain must have been less and I remember having done quite a lot of things also. Except yesterday and today it became almost unbearable again.
And I wonder if it has to do with alcohol, as the last few evenings I have been drinking to ease the pain. In general not a good idea and I even got the idea I may have developed alcoholism, but I am not sure if one can develop the physical addiction related to alcoholism in a later stage of life. Or The Universe made me an alcoholic now as recently I have been wishing to be an alcoholic, as the symptoms of alcoholism are so much easier to recognize than the symptoms of codependency. With alcoholism it is pretty clear: I drink or I don’t drink. At least that is how it seems to me, but I don’t consider myself being alcoholic even though right now I feel tempted to drink again to ease the pain.
Anyhow, writing here now seems to ease the pain a little. It is very strange how the pain shows up and goes away depending on what I do, how I move, but no clear indications how to keep it quiet. Sometimes meditating in bed eases it, sometimes not. Sometimes working eases it, sometimes not. Sometimes I guess alcohol numbs it, sometimes not. Sometimes something like journaling eases it, sometimes not. At least those things I noticed today. So at least I am becoming more aware of what is going on. And reading the article I am in pretty bad shape, as I did not enjoy life for quite a while now.
So the five suggesions are:
- Let go of rejection.
- Avoid ruminating.
- Turn failure into something positive.
- Make sure guilt remains a useful emotion.
- Use self-affirmations if you have low self esteem.
I still can’t stop writing as somehow I want this site going. This site needs to be going, although maybe I am again pushing too hard, what I often do. The site and how to earn with the site came in the form of a hunch, or at least that’s what I believe and one of the things in my mind is, ‘when it comes, treat it with respect’ and I’m not sure if I’m doing that by pushing so hard.
And the above hasn’t worked, as I am not earning with this site and it has not become some kind of self help site or something and I guess it also does not teach people how to achieve success. So maybe time for a review, for a reconsideration what this site is all about? And with that a reconsideration of my life, as it has kind of fully fallen apart recently, after a demise of about ten years or so.
Anyhow, please know that the main background for this site came from an enormous emotional pain and loneliness. An emotional pain that I still feel, and a loneliness I also still feel. So yes, maybe I need the success, need the one million dollar I want, so I can do something useful for people who also feel the type and size of emotional pain I have been feeling, still feel.
I want them to show that you can out of there, can be successful, not have to worry anymore about your daily needs, including may daily worry now how I will pay for things. How can I ever be there for someone else if I am just worrying to survive? I’m trying to, but it just doesn’t work. In my mind is still the story from Think and Grow Rich: What if I had a million dollar.
Guilt and doubt
And still, while kind of begging here, as that’s how it feels, I feel guilt. And of course all kinds of doubts in my mind. Guilt, because I shouldn’t be asking for one dollar from you if you like my site, if you think the site is at least two dollar value of you. Weird, while writing this, because if the site is worth more than two dollars for you, why wouldn’t you pay me the one dollar. And why wouldn’t I be worth the one million dollars or the one million visitors.
Complete nonsense, the things I’m telling myself, feeling guilty, feeling like a beggar. I did a lot of things in my life, I hope also for others. I did a lot of effort with this site, including all the knowledge I gathered in my life about personal development and about websites and being found in Google. All those things have value, so why should’t it pay off in money, why shouldn’t it pay of in a more relaxed life so I can help others, be a sample to others?
Trust and action
So yes, I’m also going to write my page What if I had a Million Dollar, but not now, as I’ve done enough today, even though of course I can’t resist making a draft page.