I still feel guilty,especially about my financial situation and that I can’t stop my partner from spending money we don’t have, that should go back to where it came from. But somehow it doesn’t make sense, as looking back I wouldn’t know how I should have done it differently. And I didn’t make myself, at least that’s what I believe. So how can I be guilty? Something like how can a dog be guilty or how can a stone be guilty. Or even a molecule. So somehow we humans are different from anything else, although somehow dogs, animals can feel guilty as far as I know. And thinking further, guilt seems to be something like violating rights of others. As that’s what dog-guilt is about I guess. As I presume a dog only feels guilty towards humans, when he or she does something against the rules of humans, of the higher species, the higher power.
And thinking further again, guilt seems to be something like violating the rules of the group. So in that respect it is about the survival of the group. And I guess that’s what human guilt is also all about, the guilt we are taught to feel when violating the rules.
But then were does conscience come in? Is there also something like violating your own rules? But again, thinking about dogs and stones, does that make any sense?
And going back to my financial stuff, am I still doing harm? Yes, I live in a big house and I allow my partner to overspend, spend money that I borrowed, that I am responsible for. But the consequences of leaving the house are unimaginable. And I wouldn’t really know how that would improve things, although of course if the house my debts could be paid off and I would be clean towards my debtors. And I want to stay with my partner. And I know somehow he is blackmailing me and controlling me with anger, with violence.
But the basic problem is still income, other people willing to pay me, somehow, or pay me for what I do, for work I do. And somehow there are too many of ‘me’, too many people, too much capacity to do the things other people need, other people are willing to pay for.
So while writing I keep asking myself if I indeed should sell the house, pay off my debts and live in a cheaper place and live a cheaper lifestyle. And based on the rules I grew up with, based on the law I should do that. And even my conscience agrees with it.
But still something inside of me says that I shouldn’t do that. As it doesn’t really solve anything. And while writing this I am starting to think that it would make things worse. As it would mean somehow that I would give up, would never work again, would never do anything anymore.
Recognize anything?