I can never do it right (for my partner)

So my partner was angry with me again. And of course he was right, as I had done something he didn’t like without informing him in a nice way. But my experience with him is that whatever I do or how I say things, according to him I am always wrong, saying it wrong, doing it wrong, whatever. So this time I decided to show an action and not talk. As I made a lot of efforts to get this thing solved in a nice way. And on the way something went wrong, so the timing became different than I had planned. But I let it be, let it happen as it was probably meant to be. As I also didn’t have a better solution.

So today it all came out. And of course the wrong way as I had planned it so I wouldn’t be around when the whole thing came out. And I’m still amazed how it all works, how he finds out things and then, of course, blames me. As no matter what I do, I am always to blame…

according to him.

So yes, again, of course I was wrong. Of course I should have told him in a nice way. But if I would have told this in a nice way I presumed I would end up in being blamed for ‘you always talk about money’. And if someone decides to keep breaking agreements then I guess one day you need to take action and do something about it. Especially if you tried many times to find ways to deal with the issue. And my goal is to at least share responsibility. As until now i am always the one who’s name and reputation is at stake.

But I am learning. As before I would be devastated. And return the anger. And keep arguing. And now I just try to listen. And understanding was easy this time as of course my partner was ‘right’ that i should have told him in a nice way that he again did something I didn’t like and that I had taken action. But of course my listening was wrong again, as I must be autistic according to my partner, looking at my behavior and my face. And that hurt a lot as my previous partner also indicates I have ‘something autistic’. But is that a reason to be unreasonably angry with me and breaking things? And just retaliating?

But enough about the story as I feel like putting all the blame to my partner. And somehow that’s also how i feel, that he is wrong and should not treat me or the situation like he does. And that is something I should not do according to what I read everywhere. I should take responsibility and make changes, change myself, as you can’t change the other but only yourself.

So what’s next? The last year or so I ‘just let him be’ as one of my friends often suggests. So that’s what I did, let him be, meaning he just left to his other house. And he was going there anyhow, so basically nothing changed. But I want better, and things are getting better. But in this kind of situation there is no food in the house and also the dog food is gone. And of course the timing was wrong to write the salary check, so I have to use money that’s not mine again and probably, money will not be returned on the next salary pay. Meaning I feel like having no option than doing it ‘wrong’.

But wait, that’s not true. I just realize there is one option now I can use. So maybe this time I can do at least something ‘right’. And things did improve, even though it has improved far from what I think is needed and far from what I want.

So it maybe my persistence and knowing what i want is starting to pay off. As I am certainly not affected as much as before and I think am also taking much more responsibility for what is going on.

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