Inside I’m still crying. Maybe even more now. As I know life is not supposed to be like this and despite everything I have learned I still feel very unhappy. And somehow I believe life is fair. But I know in my case somehow it’s not. And I’m trying to look at the good things and keep my gratitude diary. And tried to listen to people and tried to give first and tried and tried again. But inside I’m still crying as I really don’t understand that things that in my experience should be so simple apparently are not. Things like just working and having an income. Things like having a partner and do and share things together. Things like just having sex, or preferably making love with your partner, if he is just nearby, or lying next to you at night.
And i am wondering where did I get those thoughts, about fairness or what is supposed to be, what is supposed to be fun or create happiness?
So maybe I should stop looking at success and inspiration and trying to give (things that I don’t have) and believing in the good and believing in fairness and believing in peace and love. And pushing and being perfect and writing every day even though I have nothing to write.
Maybe I should first cry, just follow my feeling. As things are very wrong.