It seems I am still in a big struggle with life, with God. And I really don’t know what to do anymore. And yes, it is all about needs, mainly sexual needs and financial needs. And I think financial needs only represent other needs, sexual needs are the hardest for me to deal with. As to have my sexual needs fulfilled I need another person; or at least I prefer to have sex with another person, as in my memory sex with another person is so much more than masturbating and/or watching porn and such.
And I did not want to write about sex or sexual needs. I wanted to write about why my life is not working. Or at least I have the feeling my life is not working. But while writing I think unfulfilled sexual needs are my main problem. And that problem seems to be impossible to solve. As my partner does not want to have sex with me. And I want to be in a monogamous relationship; I only want to have sex with him. So I feel so much trapped; I have somehow trapped myself in some kind of impossible situation by setting some rules about what I want and need.
And yes, my escape when my sexual needs are not fulfilled is internet, internet sex and things like that. And I don’t like it, I don’t want it, but sometimes I just feel drawn into it. It seems sexual urge is so strong that even(?!) I cannot resist it’s force.
And yes, I know I ‘should‘ talk about this with Lee, not write about it here. Yes, maybe this is an escape from really confronting the issue. Anyhow, let’s see where this goes. And strange I use the word should here. I am so much trying to avoid that, as it implies wrong and mostly it is easily replaced with ‘could’.
Or maybe I ‘should‘ just scream out loud here that I love him and want to be with him, no matter what. I have the feeling I never did that, at least not in the right way and in the right place or places. And who would be a better person than me to be with him, as I believe he cherishes monogamous relationship as much as I do, or maybe even more. And to me that is the most important thing in a lovers type relationship. And it is not easy finding people, especially gay people, wanting a monogamous relationship, or managing and able to maintain that. And no, I did not maintain it either. After years and years without sex and Lee being away for long times, also years, I finally decided to start dating almost two years ago. And yes, a few of those dates resulted in sleeping with someone and one even in really having sex. So I broke my own rules, I could not wait anymore. And I am still kind of breaking those rules, as I keep looking around, flirting, and using porn and sex chat and more to somehow deal with that sexual urge that seems so strong, unmanageable strong. But yes, for now I stopped the actual sex, meeting people, even though I have never really entertained that, except looking for love, a new lover.
And I guess the main reason for writing this article is that two days ago Lee kind of ‘caught me in the act’ of watching porn on the internet and having a sex chat with someone. I felt so bad as I know he hates that part of me. And I hate that part of me too, as ‘just having sex’ is so ‘not me’. But yes, somehow that internet stuff just happens to me. Like two days ago I just couldn’t sleep and I thought masturbating might make it easier for me to fall asleep.
And this post is not going the direction I want it to, so right now I am even wondering if I ‘should’ post it. But yes, sex and sexual urge, sexual need seems to still be such a taboo, that it may just be wise or right to indeed write an publish a post like this. Or isn’t it a taboo (anymore)? I know most younger people I am in contact with are much easier about it. Or maybe people were already easier with it than I am long time ago, when I was looking for sex, looking for a relationship after coming out, mainly in bars.
I am crying right now, as this issue seems to be so old, so much part of my life, and yes, having caused me soooooo much pain. I just wanted to love someone, yes, including the sexual part, the sex. Always, that never changed. And looking back on my life that never really happened. Yes, I fell in love, a lot, resulting in a relationship twice. But then in the relationship the sex died, both my partners didn’t want to have sex with me anymore after a while. And to me it is so much part of a relationship, the sex. It is the only thing that distinguishes a relationship from friendship for me. As I can do many things with friends, indeed, even sharing a house or a room or something. But I only want to have sex with my lover, my partner.
Wow, it seems this is the first time I want to write a structured article, a well written article. So maybe I will do. But that is not easy, as so many things are related to this subject, to my struggle, with life and with sex.
And yes, about a week ago I decided to change my tactic related to my way of finding some kind of way dealing with my sexual needs. I decided to try to love that part of me, that part that tries to find satisfaction on the internet, where the person I love and I want as my lover and partner is not available. And where real life sex is too dangerous to me with the risk of catching a sexually transmitted disease as I don’t like using condoms. I want to be free, feel free, expressing my sexuality. And the idea to better love myself instead of hate myself for that part comes from a tape from Louise Hay I regularly listen to, the idea that I can decide that I am okay as I am, that I am not a bad person doing things I don’t like to do or don’t want to do, and still do.
So yes, I hate that part of me satisfying my sexual needs in internet ways when my preferred way or ways are not available so much. And I am trying to love that part of me, or at least accept that part of me, but that has not proven to be easy, as my idea of how my love life is supposed to be is so specifically related to being in a monogamous relationship with one person, yes, preferably lifetime.
Ah, it seems so much is coming together in this article, in this post. My whole spiritual journey is in my mind now, but I have no clue how to share that, how to make you part of it. And yes, it seems it all starts with beliefs and family systems. And about validating those beliefs, and changing them according to our needs, according to who we are.
And yes, I will try to restructure this post and make it more readable, make it more useful to you, to my reader. Just know that for now it is just helping me to organize my thought. Yes, writing helps, maybe better in a journal, but for me it seems also important to share them in public.