In my mind is still the subject of forgiveness I was writing about yesterday. And I just saw a documentary related to the dropping of Little Boy on Hiroshima. And there was something else in my mind I think, but I can’t remember it right now. Maybe my silence when I feel powerless towards other people.
The forgiveness stayed in my mind because I understand it is related to wrong doing. And I think I can’t imagine or accept that things have been done wrong to me as I always find excuses for things, things other people do. Ah, another thing came up with me today or so, that I don’t know the difference between being responsible and being guilty. As for me being responsible means something like being guilty. So who would want to be responsible or take responsibility if it only leads to being guilty?
So it seems I am starting to realize that my dad did wrong to me. And that he was responsible, but, I realize while writing, not necessarily guilty. And the wrong he did had and still has unimaginable consequences for my life. And yes, I guess I am very angry with my dad, still, as I thought I had forgiven him. Or something like that. As the subject of my dad keeps coming back, but I guess many or most or all people have issues with their dad. Or with their mam. Or with both.
So it seems I have to accept my dad did wrong to me. As maybe that is what I don’t do, maybe I keep finding excuses for him, that he had his reasons for what he did and that his intentions were good. But maybe that’s not the point. As everybody’s intentions are good. For themselves or from their perspective. As I understand that the Hiroshima bombing was ‘right’ and saved many lives. As it prevented an invasion that would have probably cost many more lives than the lives of the people killed in the bombing.
But of course it was wrong for the people in Hiroshima, and later the people in Nagasaki. As their lives were ended or destroyed. So well, is there guilt involved? Maybe not. Is there responsibility involved? Certainly. So maybe this is a good sample to keep in mind while learning about the difference between guilt and responsibility.
And right now I’m just tired, so I’m going to stop now. But I think it was very useful writing, as I think it brought me a little closer to understanding.