Tag Archives: Thoughts

Raw Step 3 work

I was just working Step 3 and felt like sharing it here.

“Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood God.”

Step 3 questions and my answers on September 3, 2020

What does “made a decision” mean to me?Chirrut Imwe

Right now I am not sure. I still feel very worried with Iwa, I feel the urge to want to “do something”, now. But it doesn’t really make sense. I have been here before with her, and yes, sometimes I go to the vet. But today still doesn’t really feel good, although I am worried.

And actually I already decided to go tomorrow, not today. I have no clue why, but that is what I decided. I just can’t seem to accept that decision.

Chirrut ImweHow do I know when I need to let go? How do I let go?

I can’t let go of Iwa, of life, of everything. I just can’t let go. Maybe start with accepting that. Life seems so pointless. I was born, I live, and one day I will die. And it feels like everything will just be gone by then, everything will have just been a waste. But I know it isn’t.

What does “as we understood God” mean to me?

It means something that my old “God” doesn’t work for me. The Christian God resembling my father. It means I need to find Something Else to help me through the day. Or maybe make my life agreeable.

How can I make myself (more) happy today? What can I do to feel more happy? Today.

Am I ready to let go and let God have a hand in managing my life?

I guess I am, provided that God has not only good intentions, but really supports me. My dad had good intentions, but it didn’t work, it harmed me.

Ah, and I already know the intention of The Universe is not to harm me. And I know ‘reality’ is something weird I make up in my mind, even though it is there.

It just “is”.

And pain and such is to protect me, not to harm me.

So maybe go to the pain and ask (it) what it means, why it is there?

It says something like “something is wrong”. So maybe find out and see if I can do something about it.

So maybe just ask the question “What is wrong”.

What does “to the care of God” mean to me?

I am still trying to understand this one better. It is the positive part in this Step. It means God is caring (and not punishing). But I was punishing Arf, because I want no harm for him. Is that how God works? Is that how parents work?

What does “turning it over” mean to me?

Ah, this is maybe a good one, as I just decided to give Iwa the Broncure, after reading the label. And after I heard her cough again. Somehow I did turn that decision over.

Still hard not to be in control, as I don’t want to loose her. But one day I will loose her. And one day I will be gone myself.

Is this where I let go of results? How does letting go of results help us to work this Step better?

I know more and more I can’t control the world. But I also know I do have influence on results. Or do I?

So what is God? To me? Now? Today? I guess something like the force that makes everything work? But it is an ‘anonymous’ force. That force is not conscious. And it is not “God” as a Christian or Muslim God. But yeah, the last is a human invention.

So yeah, I believe right now, today, that consciousness is something emerging from, well, I don’t know what. Something like the theory from Lawrence Krauss. So there are only fields? Energy fields? Multiple fields?

Or only a single field?

So turning it over means something like “have The Universe have it’s way”. And I don’t mean that negative.

How can I be in touch with my Higher Power’s will for me? In what ways does my Higher Power speak to me?

Wow, interesting question, related to what I thought and wrote earlier. My Higher Power, The Universe, just speaks to me in energy, in waves, through fields, or through “The Field”. Or through “The Force” as per Star Wars?

Maybe that would be some Higher Power for me, thinking of something like “The Fields” or “The Field”. Connected through waves with everything that is.

And yes, that is how I believe right how is how the Universe works.

So what does that Higher Power, that Force, that Field, that “All That Is” want from me? Just to live I guess, just to experience. Enjoy. Enjoy everything, enjoy “Everything That Is”, enjoy “Everything That Has Been Manifested”. Or everything that is manifesting itself?

What does “my will and my life” mean to me?

Wow, this is going really deep today.

My will is something like I want everything “now”. I want the settlement done, I want Iwa to stay alive forever. I want Arf to stay alive forever. I still want a boyfriend or something, no, not a partner, a boyfriend now I guess. Much safer, as then I can be in control, just enjoy.

And “my life” I have no clue. Something like consciousness experiencing, well, life, experiencing what is happening in The Universe.

If I cannot trust myself, how can I trust my Higher Power? How do I practice trusting?

Well, I guess I didn’t create myself, so it would be very hard to trust myself. Trusting my Creator would be better I guess. But then again, who is my Creator? The Life Force I was talking about earlier? But that is not a conscious creator. And yes, while writing a non-conscious Creator can be trusted I guess. As it wouldn’t have any agenda. Something like what I always teach about dogs, about dogs only being mirrors to ourselves.

So how do I practice trusting? Well, I have no clue. Maybe indeed just something like “Letting go and Letting God”.


I feel so much fear and I only realized how much fear I feel when I was just meditating with some videos from Lisa A. Romano on YouTube about healing the inner child and healing from narcissistic abuse. But the fear must be much older than suffering from narcissistic abuse from my last partner, as I realize as a child I was also scared, looked scared. So maybe indeed many or most or all things we feel or experience go back to childhood or even before that.

And when thinking about that fear I am often thinking it is the fear of being conscious, the fear of being alive, the fear of being. As I guess even God or Whatever created us, may feel the same fear, may also feel alone, be alone. Although what I was just writing doesn’t make sense if there is indeed a Creator of Everything. Or does it?

Ah, these things go beyond the human mind, beyond what humans are capable of understanding.

And I have no clue where this post is going. I just felt the need to write, to share. Ah, maybe it would be nice to see some comments here, comments about being alone, maybe comments about being The One.

Thanks for reading this, Guus.

I don’t want anymore

I was thinking of what image to put as recently I always put an Open Graph image and I came up with “black”. And that also gave answers straight away. As light will change the black, the darkness. Isn’t that how it all started?

For a long time already I have the thought or feeling of “I don’t want anymore”. And of course I do still want things, otherwise I wouldn’t be here anymore, but somehow I am so disappointed with things, with life, with things I wanted and was not able to realize or receive or whatever that my main feeling is something like “I don’t want anymore”. And as to get more clarity I decided to start writing about it, as of course the thought “I don’t want anymore” would make my life so, not wanting anymore and The Universe responding to that, probably by indeed not giving me anything. Or only something like “I don’t want anymore”.

And yes, I have been on an enormous spiritual journey the last few years, and yes, that has been triggered by the pain and the not wanting and not receiving I experienced, by the things I wanted or wanted to happen and that didn’t come. So yes, I guess it is true what they say, that indeed pain and suffering is a or the way to spiritual growth. As if everything is or was or goes as I want it, there would not be any need to change or grow or search for answers.

So yes, of course I still would want that relationship. Except I have no clue anymore how to achieve that or reach that or receive that. And of course I would want my business to work or find any other way to support myself and contribute something to the world. But also here, I have no clue anymore how to achieve that, reach that, receive that, or whatever.

So basically I don’t know what to do anymore to make things happen. As in my feeling and in my thoughts everything I knew I tried and did and it didn’t work out the way I wanted it. And believe me, I am persistent, can be persistent and I certainly believe I can go the extra mile and also did that in many cases and over and over again. But somehow it didn’t work, or it didn’t work out the way I wanted to.

So what to do next or what is next? I have no clue, but as I stated, that is why I started writing here.

To be continued…

Love is blind?

I am more and more amazed with the power of sex; or of romantic love; or love; or whatever one may call it. Or is it something else?

I find myself more and more in an impossible situation, or not really impossible, but a situation I could have never imagined before, when I was a child. It seems that many things I was told about life when I was a child were a lie, or at least not true. And yes, I guess my parents and other teachers didn’t know better. They could not have taught me things they did not know. And how could they have known?

And I guess many things they did not really teach me. Many things I believed came from my own imagination. Or from what I read or knew or heard of.

And no, I don’t like where I stand now. And yes, it seems I still blame it on my past, on others, on God, on whatever. Or yes, on the person I love, the person I love most. And it is not true a human being can just ‘move on’. As I have a big loan to pay and I have no clue how I would do that; or even agree to the new, very fair, agreement that is in the making. How can I make commitments on things I don’t know, on things I can’t control?

Yes, I believed in love, and somehow I guess I still do. But it seems indeed love is blind, stupid. How can that be, as to me love is still sweet and nice and pleasant and a good thing. But no, it appears not to be, at least not the romantic love I believed in.

So what is this thing I used to call love? Just lust, just sex, just sexual need, just instinct? And why is it so bad, why did it have such a bad outcome for me, at least the last few years and as of this moment? And how would I make up? And how would I control my sexual urges, my sexual needs? Just suppress them? But that just seems to create more unmanageability. Or indeed, try to remove them through castration or something? Yes, that is how far I have come now, even somehow considering something like that, although not really seriously, as that seems to only kind of sure way to take away sexual feelings.

But then what, what is the world, what is life without romantic love? To me a day without romantic love, yes without making love or something, a day without sleeping together, yes, preferably with my lover and partner, something I don’t have and somehow don’t want anymore? What is a day without that?

Or is it still all about the emptiness, the spiritual emptiness I am trying to fill and that cannot be filled without believing in some kind of loving God or loving Higher Power? Or about loving myself, but isn’t that the same thing? I often wonder if it would not be hard for (a) God to love Himself, as He would also need to live with the consequences of his choices, like the suffering that is probably the result of giving man ‘free will’.

Filthier than the filthiest rag


I was a bit shocked when I realized what pastor Ferdie of the Great Alliance Commission Fellowship in Cagayan de Oro City actually said this morning, or what I thought he said (see update). As he said something like we humans are like “filthier than the filthiest cloth one can imagine”. And I know it is meant well, it is meant to show us the way to Jesus, but still, it is an affirmation, and when thinking about it I think it is kind of an insult to God. As I believe we are created in His Image, and calling ourselves filthier than the filthiest cloth, doesn’t that mean we also say God is filthier than the filthiest cloth? Or aren’t we saying He created us as filthy beings? Aren’t we saying He created humans as filthy beings?

Great Commission Fellowship

And this is an affirmation. And for quite a while I am trying to figure out where my negative thinking comes from. And I think it comes mainly from my upbringing, from my being raises as a Christian. And I am starting to believe more and more that my negative thinking, my thinking about a bad an punishing God (and life), comes from there, comes from the ideas I was taught when I grew up.

And when I was invited to join meetings from the Great Commission Alliance Fellowship I was happily surprised, especially with the worship gathering every Sunday, I was happily surprised that was and is quite a happy event every Sunday morning at 10 am in Cinema 3 of SM City (in Cagayan de Oro City) with modern music and modern preaching. Not the dull ceremonies with singing very old songs that didn’t make sense to me with only a church organ.

So after joining that event for the first time I decided to keep going. Mainly because I needed some more spiritual input, but also just to find new friends, to expand my social circle. And mostly I like the gathering, as mostly I am learning something.  And I kind of like how pastor Ferdie mixes common sense self help type wisdom with biblical knowledge, with biblical ideas, although sometimes it is a bit too much for me.

And yes, I learned to be more myself, like joining things like singing or going to the altar when called. I learned to listen and participate as myself, not blindly following whatever is told or taught. I think that is big progress, not the least letting go of the past, letting go of this punishing God that has been with me so long, yes, that God is often or mostly still with me.

And this morning that God visited me, that negative God, that God that tells me that I am filthier than the filthiest rag. And I just don’t believe God is like that. I can’t believe that a God that I am told is a loving God, says or thinks I am dirty, that I am filth.

So also this Great Commission Fellowship has these negative teachings about human beings. And that turns me off. Yes, I know somehow I commit ‘sin’ as somehow I do things that I believe I am not supposed to do; I do things I don’t want to do; I do things that I believe are ‘wrong’. But on the other side I am just “me”, somehow I was just created this way. So why blame me for being me?

So why write this post? Well, I guess the main reason was that pastor Ferdie kind of brushed me off when I tried to share my concern about what he had said this morning. And this was not the first time he said it, but this time it just struck me as ‘wrong’. as a wrong message to people. As it may just make one feel bad. And I don’t think it is right to make people feel bad about themselves.

If God is good, aren’t we also good? And aren’t we made in His Image?


Good I pushed through telling pastor Ferdie what I had understood from his sermon, as he responded that he had not said or meant that we are all filth in the eyes of God. He had meant or said that even if we were filthier than the filthiest cloth on earth God is there for us, Jesus has saved us.

And last Sunday, yesterday, I was happily surprised hearing him say things I have been writing about, like that we have been made in God’s image.