Tag Archives: Forgiveness

Powerless, or something

Mmm, I should keep it to myself, but I don’t feel like writing right now. So how do other bloggers deal with that? I mean, if you have committed yourself to write regularly, whether it is like every day like me or once a week doesn’t matter, but what do you do when you don’t feel like it?

But then again, maybe this is just the circle I am in. As I still see the traffic to this site go down, which it has been doing for the last month or so. And that doesn’t motivate to write or do anything, unless of course you just write because you like to write, which is what I understood another blogger does. Or maybe most bloggers.

So why am I writing anyhow is of course a good question. And I guess the first answer is still that it taught me discipline. As it has only a few times that I skipped writing, which in the end of course makes me feel good, makes me feel proud. But the second answer is still also kind of that I want(ed?) to share the ideas of Napoleon Hill with the world. And that I wanted to connect ‘inspirors’ with people needing or wanting inspiration. And the last I still want. And yes, of course I still also want recognition, recognition for my efforts, including the effort of writing every day. And the last is now kind of a hindrance, as traffic going down doesn’t really feel like being recognized, even though there could be various reasons for that. And yes, I know there are ways to boost my blog, a blog like this, but I am also still very hesitant about ‘marketing’ my site in certain ways, as somehow ‘sales’ still feels bad to me.

Anyhow, I started this blog with a title related to power. And I felt very powerless tonight in a phone call with my mam, as I felt blackmailed by her and I didn’t want to give in to the emotional blackmail she used as I thought that was not healthy. In the end I still kind of did, which indeed also makes me feel a bit bad. And that’s the hard part, as who would believe that a mother would blackmail her son. And if so, who would want a son to write about it, bring it in the open. And who would be interested in it anyhow. But I think it’s an important issue, as somehow ‘good behavior’ as I have learned is not ‘good’. Yes, honor thy parents, but should you still do that if e.g. your dad abuses you sexually? And in this case, if my mam uses emotional blackmail, should I still give in to her because she is my mam and ‘mam’s don’t do things like that’?

Ah, and yes, I am still tired. And I feel like I have a good subject here, but I also feel I need sleep.

So maybe you will forgive me for not writing further, not finishing this post. And of course I forgive my mam, even though I don’t even feel she did anything wrong to me. I think she merely did it to herself.

Responsibility, guilt, forgiveness?

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I am still searching for more clarity on responsibility, guilt and forgiveness. And maybe this mornings event where I found out one of our dogs had a bad cut in his mouth was intended to clarify this a bit more, but believe me, I didn’t like the event and I am still upset as I decided to postpone any action as it was just too much dealing with it. And there were many thoughts in my mind, including an “I can’t”, a phrase my mam often uses, a phrase I hate, as it is just not true, at least not literally.

But basically this morning I decided something like “I can’t” towards this issue with our dog, even though I forced it into an “I don’t want to”. And it was a hard decision as I felt responsible and my “I don’t want to” made me feel guilty (towards the dog?).

And a lot of things are going through my mind, as apparently I know the difference between responsibility and guilt. And it also comes to my mind that there is a difference between feeling responsible and being responsible. And right now the question “who decides” comes in my mind. And it seems there is a whole grey area around this, so apparently in the end it is just opinion if responsibility or guilt is applicable. And everything seems to point to me, as the dog is basically okay and the main issue is that I hate things like this for various reasons. And the main reason is that I don’t like injuries and handicaps. So in this case I can’t stand that the dog would have a distorted lip for the rest of his life. And the strange thing is the dog doesn’t seem to mind, so I am the only one who minds. And maybe my partner, but he isn’t here.

Ah, and there is the issue of insecurity, as I am not a vet or a doctor, so I wouldn’t know how bad the injury is and how and how much it would heal by itself.

So well, let’s make some statements:

The dog decided to fight, so he is responsible for having the injury in the first place (if he indeed got it through the fight I think he got it through).
I decide to have the dog, so if the dog is injured, I am kind of obliged to help him (as he can’t do it himself). This is a tricky one though, as in nature there wouldn’t be something like a human responsible for treatment.
My guilt is mainly related to the fact that I don’t earn enough. This means I don’t have a car, so today it was just too much hassle to get the dog to the vet.
My guilt is also related that I don’t have friends, so I have no one to ask to help me with this, like asking someone to bring me to the vet.
As I don’t earn enough, the dogs are basically too expensive for me (us?), so they would be better off with someone else (yes, there is also a whole world behind this statement).
The thing will probably not go away by itself as I don’t believe the injury will heal properly without being stitched by a vet.
I don’t think the whole thing is very urgent as the dog acts and looks okay, even though the would may not heal by itself.
Despite the last I still felt very guilty for not doing something straight away, but I think that has to do with the fact that I have to do something anyhow, so better do it now.

And right now it is very late and this whole thing is much more complicated (and interesting) than I thought, so I’ll stop now and pick it up later, either in this post or in another.

More on forgiveness

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The word forgiveness keeps sticking in my mind. Together with the related word ‘wrong’ and also the words guilt and responsibility as to me the last two sound the same, have the same meaning.

So forgiveness implies something wrong has been done (intentionally?). And to undo(?) that wrong you need to forgive. Or at least that’s one of the things you can do according to what I found on Wikipedia. As Wikipedia mentions condoning, excusing, pardoning, forgetting and reconciliation as alternatives.

And while re-reading the article on Wikipedia I realize that I am pretty vengeful, as recently I often notice I want revenge for wrong that has been done to me.

And I realize I have to stop now, as it is very late, I had a pretty bad day, especially the start and I’m just sleepy.

Strange, as I was planning a really good post here now today and I think I started pretty well.

So more or better tomorrow.

Forgiveness and Hiroshima

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In my mind is still the subject of forgiveness I was writing about yesterday. And I just saw a documentary related to the dropping of Little Boy on Hiroshima. And there was something else in my mind I think, but I can’t remember it right now. Maybe my silence when I feel powerless towards other people.

The forgiveness stayed in my mind because I understand it is related to wrong doing. And I think I can’t imagine or accept that things have been done wrong to me as I always find excuses for things, things other people do. Ah, another thing came up with me today or so, that I don’t know the difference between being responsible and being guilty. As for me being responsible means something like being guilty. So who would want to be responsible or take responsibility if it only leads to being guilty?

So it seems I am starting to realize that my dad did wrong to me. And that he was responsible, but, I realize while writing, not necessarily guilty. And the wrong he did had and still has unimaginable consequences for my life. And yes, I guess I am very angry with my dad, still, as I thought I had forgiven him. Or something like that. As the subject of my dad keeps coming back, but I guess many or most or all people have issues with their dad. Or with their mam. Or with both.

So it seems I have to accept my dad did wrong to me. As maybe that is what I don’t do, maybe I keep finding excuses for him, that he had his reasons for what he did and that his intentions were good. But maybe that’s not the point. As everybody’s intentions are good. For themselves or from their perspective. As I understand that the Hiroshima bombing was ‘right’ and saved many lives. As it prevented an invasion that would have probably cost many more lives than the lives of the people killed in the bombing.

But of course it was wrong for the people in Hiroshima, and later the people in Nagasaki. As their lives were ended or destroyed. So well, is there guilt involved? Maybe not. Is there responsibility involved? Certainly. So maybe this is a good sample to keep in mind while learning about the difference between guilt and responsibility.

And right now I’m just tired, so I’m going to stop now. But I think it was very useful writing, as I think it brought me a little closer to understanding.

Forgiveness

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Forgiveness or forgiving is something I still don’t understand and it seems to be a major skill if you want to live a happy life. Ah, Wikipedia starts with something like ‘victim’, so there must be a victim if forgiveness is applicable? Ah, and it seems for forgiveness you must acknowledge wrongdoing. And mostly I don’t acknowledge wrongdoing, so maybe that’s where my problem with forgiveness. As somehow I believe everybody in the end is just good, tries to do the best thing. So if that is true, how can something be wrong?

And yes, a while ago I understood more about what is in the Our Father. As I read the version of the part “And forgive us our trespasses,as we forgive them that trespass against us”. And I realize you can’t avoid doing wrong to other beings or things. As when you just walk, you step on I guess millions of living things like bacteria and you may just kill a lot of them. And you can’t do anything else, as even when you sit or sleep you still do the same. And when you eat you virtually always eat living things, so something has to die for you to survive. So these things are not wrong in an absolute sense or for you and me, but they are certainly wrong for the being or thing you are ‘acting upon’.

So I read somewhere it is a good habit to apologize, ask for forgiveness for those type of things, even if they’re just part of life and you can’t avoid them. As you are doing ‘wrong’ to something else.

So well, even if I think nothing is ‘wrong’, I can still ask for forgiveness and yes, of course I hope I will be forgiven for those things.

Maybe that thinking is a good start for thinking about the things I am doing wrong, and realizing better how forgiveness works and why it is needed or good.