I woke up very late with a terrible mood and I couldn’t really figure out why as I drank only one drink with alcohol last night and had water and some coke after only. And it meant that I might not be able to fetch our motorcycle that had been in the shop again for a week as I did not find the time to pick it up as it might not have been repaired. Or actually I was just scared going there, as last time they didn’t want to help me anymore because they don’t know what to do as this motorcycle has some weird quirks and actually just needs to be replaced.
So while walking down many, mostly negative, thoughts entered my mind, worries about my debts, worries about not having enough work, and related to that not having enough money and all those bad things that might happen when I would face my motorcycle troubles and the staff in the motorcycle shop.
And suddenly I realized that I was walking down this beautiful road in a beautiful environment with trees all around me, an environment that I always imagined, but would be impossible in The Netherlands as that type of forest does not really exist anymore. And I realize just now that I always imagined a house in the forest and that I have that now, something impossible before. So again, be careful what you wish for, because mostly you’ll get it. Of course I didn’t imagine the troubles and the debts I am experiencing lately, but still, while writing this I realize that I indeed often am not grateful for the things that came to me, the things I wanted and that appeared to be impossible.
And also someone told me a few days ago how beautiful this location is and said she would miss it a lot and yes, I often forget that as I’m mostly think of the troubles and the hassle it is as of the moment to keep the place. But as I often tell myself also lately, I’m still here, and that’s still something, no matter the way how I do it or the price I and maybe some other people are paying. And maybe that’s also the thing Napoleon Hill mentions: there is no such thing as having something for nothing. So yes, I should be and can be very grateful for where I am and that I’m still living a very luxury life even though it is not as luxury as I was used to and I think I deserve and am worth of.
So while walking down with thinking a lot of worry type thoughts I suddenly realized (again) that I was walking down this beautiful road with a lot of trees and beautiful nature around and that most people, maybe even 99.99% or more of all people in the world would be really jealous being able to be where I was and what I could experience. And also now, I’m working at one of the most beautiful locations in the world with a view that is so stunning that most people would never even see that in a lifetime. And I’m just here and often don’t even see it, let alone enjoy it.
And I’m trying to make some kind of comprehensive post out of this, but my mind keeps on wandering to all kinds of related things, like recently I decided to spend the money for new contact lenses, which according to all common rules I grew up with actually can’t afford. But they make the world so much clearer, like right now I can see the view clearly and it is so beautiful and peaceful and yes, it’s all there for me now, for me alone, as no one else can experience this view right now as our house is in a very special location where the view is just different from any other location I know, even nearby locations.
And that’s also what bothers me, as I like to share the view, share the house, but somehow until now that never happened as I had in mind, at least not in recent years. And yes, this Christmas was fantastic with the family of my partner visiting and some friends visiting, all of course enjoying the house and the view. But the house is kind of falling apart and until now I didn’t find any way how to stop that, as we just can’t afford the repairs, basically no repairs at all. And it’s also sad to see we don’t have enough beds and stuff, and I realized this Christmas also not enough plates and other kitchenware to receive people in a decent, worthy way. But the other side is that as far as I know nobody has been paying anything in money, meaning that most of the food and the coffee and the drinks were paid by us, paid by money we have borrowed. And that doesn’t make it easy, to know that you are more in trouble next week as your debt has increased again, where you know you can’t even pay the principal amount, let alone all the interest that is building up and building up. So I have been trying to focus on the ‘giving’ on trying to not let the people know too much hat’s going on, not let the people know in how deep shit I am. But it’s not easy and somehow it’s eating me from the inside, as I don’t know where to go, don’t know where to find the money, don’t know where to find a job or jobs. And yes, this is still about ‘living in the now’, the title I started this post with. Because for the last one and half year or so I have been living from day to day, something like ‘living in the now’, even though I know that’s not exactly the same.
And that is also what I was thinking while walking down, like living in the now, living from day to day sounds nice, but somehow there is also more, there is also ‘future’, where ‘future’ is partly or fully defined by decisions I am making right now.
And I also know I wrote about this same subject recently, living in the now. And I don’t remember what I wrote there, but it may have been similar to what I’m writing right now. But yes, right now, there is nothing but writing here, enjoying the view, enjoying where and who I am and there is no use in thinking about money or debt or getting (more) money or getting out of debt or having a car or having my holiday to Bali that is one of my dreams right now. And that is something I experienced earlier and I think I also wrote about that. That right now, NOW, I don’t need anything. Right now there is plenty of everything I could want or need, even more, much more than I need right now and the rest of the day and even tomorrow and probably next week or even next month. As I don’t plan to go anywhere today or tomorrow, so I don’t need a car or any other transportation. There is food in the house, and drinks. Even junk food and ‘junk’ drinks. So more than a human would ever need. And there is this beautiful view and the equipment I’m using to write this post. There is electricity and internet, even more, much more than I need right now. And yes, there are also many things NOT here right now, many things I want and maybe even need. But right, now, there is nothing not available that I would need, today or tomorrow. There is even much more than I would ever need today or tomorrow.
So yes, that’s living in the now and of course that makes me very happy.