Dear Loving Higher Power,
I guess I still do have a Higher Power. Or maybe I have more than one, but most seem to not be able or willing to help me, yes, help me get what I want, and no, I don’t even talk about needs, because the subject of needs is very confusing to me.
I am writing this to you as I presume you are somewhere out there, maybe even looking for me searching for me, calling me, but until now I did not really hear you or experience you or something. Yes, sometimes I have nice experiences, like yesterday evening I really had my time with Arf, and earlier also with YokYok. And of course Iwa is there, often joining me, even sleeping with me in the bed, which of course feels nice, as touching a dog is also touching something like a warm body.
I guess what bothers me most is that I was not able to have or maintain the relationship I wanted or always dreamed of. Yes, there was Nico and we had a pretty good life. And yes, there was a lot of love between us, but you know the sexual part, the intimacy part was not really working, it was there, especially in the beginning, but not really as I wanted it, needed it.
Then finally I was so happy meeting Lee, and it felt all okay, I kind of knew it was okay: this was the person I could really share my life with, without the worries of not having sex, of not having someone to sleep with, of someone not leaving me. And look now where that brought me. Over time he started leaving me more and more, and the sex was not really growing, on the contrary, it was getting less and less and less satisfying, where I believed love life, sex, is something that would be growing, become more pleasurable and love like, instead of deteriorating and finally just coming to a full stop.
And I feel so stupid continuously writing about sex and my problems with it, as of course I know there is much more in life than sex and in the end it is not even really important. And I had and have so many things I am and could be grateful for, but that all overwhelming need for ‘having someone’, someone who is just there for me, yes, including the sleeping together and the love making.
And I am wondering now if a Higher Power would know about these things, the sexual attraction when you like someone physically, the wanting to hold, the wanting to sleep with someone, and then, yes also going into the sexual, although I like the more erotic part, the petting and such, more than the pure sexual acts, although the oral stuff can create a very nice feeling and create a lot of pleasure. I guess if you would know about it you would help me get more of that. And yes, basically I only want that with Lee, but he is not here and does not want me anymore, so I am having a hard time for a long time already, as I always believed in being monogamous, having sex, sharing sexual physical intimacy only with one person. I know that is not very practical, but it is still what I want.
So yes, I made mistakes, as when Lee was not available anymore to sleep with me or have sex with me finally I started dating. Or like in 2012 I was so devastated realizing Lee had left me that I allowed some things to happen, even though it was not really what I wanted, like the lying on the couch with, well, I forgot his name, and the massage where I got so excited. It was so strange a stranger touching me in such a loving way, like the guy who I was on the couch with. And it was so nice a masseur doing the things I always dreamed of, but never really experienced with a partner. And no, at the time I did not push through, stopped at the right moment. Thank you for that, as maybe it was indeed you who helped me with that then and helped me writing my love letter to Lee.
Then Lee came back and I was so happy, being able to hold him again, sleep with him again, even though he was not really able to give me what I so desperately needed. But I thought, believed, that over time things would improve, also because I prayed to that Very High Power who told me The Plan needed to be changed to give me what I wanted. I trusted that would happen at the time, but then Lee started leaving me more and more again, finally resulting in me deciding it was time to start dating other people, which I did.
And then there was J., which I tried to stop until the last minute, but the “I don’t have time for this” hit me so hard that after that there was nothing really stopping me anymore. And nothing much happened, but again, it was soooooooooooooo nice holding someone and being held by someone, just the warmth of another human body close to me, feeling love, or at least love type feelings. Unfortunately that even turned out different than I expected. I had been naive again somehow again. But yeah, the feeling was there.
Then there was M., basically the only one I ever really had sexual contact with besides Lee, or that is not fully true, but you know what I mean. And no, also that was not ‘all the way’, but far enough to be called sex I guess. And the first time felt so nice. I had missed that feeling, that pleasurable feeling for sooooooooooooooooo long. And then I got confused, as he left me, did not want to stay for the night. I felt so left alone again. And strangely enough a similar thing happened again, him leaving again ‘after sex’. That time was not pleasurable really, as I guess I lost the trust and also felt unsafe physically. Crazy enough somehow I got sick even at the time, even though I am pretty sure now it was not really an STD, but some kind of weird bacteria in the wrong place, causing pain and discomfort.
And yeah, then I. was there. I liked him a lot and I guess something could have come out of it, but I am not sure if I could live with him, as he has some strange quirks like some stubbornness I don’t know how to deal with. It also felt like he abused me sexually, only wanting to receive sex, pleasure, not willing or able to give, give me pleasure. So yeah, I still like him a lot and I guess we can be friends, but no, I don’t think relationship or sex would work between us.
And I am starting to feel so awkward, as it seems I had sexual experiences with so many men, even though I always pretend to be monogamous or want to be monogamous. But it seems sex and intimacy are really powerful forces, hard or impossible to contain if they cannot be expressed in the way I want it to, or maybe even need them to.
So no, I don’t think I want to write more about my sexual experiences of the last few years, as I guess it will just make me feel bad, because the only thing I really, really want is to have a monogamous relationship, yes, preferably with Lee, still with Lee. I have no real clue why actually. I considered it part of the codependency stuff, but there must be more, yes, maybe I don’t understand or don’t know about. The connection I felt when I could not leave him behind at the bus station. The connection he maybe also felt and still feels, but I am not fully sure about that.
And I want to do something else now. I think I wrote enough and if you are the Loving Higher Power that they talk about then You know all these things, then you know my biggest dream, my biggest wish in life. I just want to be with Lee and build a strong and healthy relationship with him, yes including the sex, the romance, the physical intimacy, the sexual pleasure part. But what I remember most we had were the trips going to Davao, holding hands on the way, feeling connected, feeling belonging to each other. I guess that is what I miss most.
And I have no clue what ‘loving’ means anymore, but if you are a Loving Higher Power I hope you can help make my dream come true (again).
And I don’t know You and I can’t find You (yet?), but I guess I can love You too. I presume also Higher Powers need being loved, same like human beings.
I love You,