Tag Archives: Dream

I don’t want anymore

Black
I was thinking of what image to put as recently I always put an Open Graph image and I came up with “black”. And that also gave answers straight away. As light will change the black, the darkness. Isn’t that how it all started?

For a long time already I have the thought or feeling of “I don’t want anymore”. And of course I do still want things, otherwise I wouldn’t be here anymore, but somehow I am so disappointed with things, with life, with things I wanted and was not able to realize or receive or whatever that my main feeling is something like “I don’t want anymore”. And as to get more clarity I decided to start writing about it, as of course the thought “I don’t want anymore” would make my life so, not wanting anymore and The Universe responding to that, probably by indeed not giving me anything. Or only something like “I don’t want anymore”.

And yes, I have been on an enormous spiritual journey the last few years, and yes, that has been triggered by the pain and the not wanting and not receiving I experienced, by the things I wanted or wanted to happen and that didn’t come. So yes, I guess it is true what they say, that indeed pain and suffering is a or the way to spiritual growth. As if everything is or was or goes as I want it, there would not be any need to change or grow or search for answers.

So yes, of course I still would want that relationship. Except I have no clue anymore how to achieve that or reach that or receive that. And of course I would want my business to work or find any other way to support myself and contribute something to the world. But also here, I have no clue anymore how to achieve that, reach that, receive that, or whatever.

So basically I don’t know what to do anymore to make things happen. As in my feeling and in my thoughts everything I knew I tried and did and it didn’t work out the way I wanted it. And believe me, I am persistent, can be persistent and I certainly believe I can go the extra mile and also did that in many cases and over and over again. But somehow it didn’t work, or it didn’t work out the way I wanted to.

So what to do next or what is next? I have no clue, but as I stated, that is why I started writing here.

To be continued…

What do I want?

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Frustration

I am mainly frustrated because I don’t have, or think I don’t have what I want. Or maybe I am mainly frustrated because I don’t know how to get what I want. But I think I never really wrote down what I want in a tangible way. Like mostly I say something like “I want my old life back, but in a better, more healthy way”, but I never really specified that I think. And with “my old life” I mainly mean the life Lee and I had together from 2003 to 2010 or so. But I also mean part of the life I had before, when I traveled the world together with Nico. As yes, that was fantastic, even though there was an underlying problem in our relationship most of the time. And the same was true in the time I was with Lee. I was happy and in love and we had a good life, but some things were wrong, very wrong I know now. And I guess it was the same or a similar thing going on. And I guess it goes back to codependency and to not loving myself and not having a spiritual foundation I could build from. And as I have been working very hard on the last I may be much closer to what I want than I think, even though it does not feel that way. Actually I feel worse than ever in my life before, even though I had a very bad time when I was a student, also being very depressed and suicidal. I remember driving on my Yamaha XZ550S and thinking with almost every truck I encountered whether I would drive into it or not. Well, somehow I didn’t, and I still don’t know why, as it would have been so easy.

Fantastic

And thinking of that bike, riding it was really fantastic. It was the best thing I ever did and I still miss it. And amazing I did not kill myself with it at the time, as I was young and could drive pretty fast most of the time on ordinary roads in The Netherlands, like 150 km/h, yes, really, 150 km/h on average country roads.

And yes, I consider myself a safe driver, not really taking risks, but 150 km/h on country roads, even good roads, is pretty fast, way too fast looking back, but I did it, and I never had an accident at the time. And I guess that is amazing, looking how much I used that bike as it was also my daily means of transportation, going anywhere I wanted and needed to go.

And I realize now that at the time nobody really knew me, how I enjoyed that bike and also how fast I drove and such. I guess at the time I was also already pretty alone, pretty lonely, very lonely.

But that is a sideline, although it brings me back to what I want, and also to thinking about how it all happened, why went down the drain so far and so deep.

Finance, money

As at the time I was very lonely and was already looking for a lover and partner I could not find. But what I had was safety, basically in the form of money. And some kind of outlook to the future as I was studying at the highest level University in The Netherlands and was supposed to get a good job after I was finished. And yes, maybe I was spoiled, getting Dfl. 1,000.00 per month as study allowance from my dad. And I got Dfl. 10,000.00 savings on my 18^th birthday or something. Or my 21^st , I don’t remember.

So that is what I want, feel financially safe again, as at the time I felt financially safe. Every month Dfl. 1,000.00 was deposited in my account and I had a few thousand guilders as savings. As right now I feel completely unsafe financially, as I don’t have enough money coming in on a monthly basis to sustain my current lifestyle. And my current lifestyle may be still pretty high, but it does not feel like extraordinary, especially not related to how I lived before, until 2001 or so.

And strange, writing this, as it seems financial security is the most important thing for me in life. As yes, I used to want a regular sex life, preferably, or actually only, through having a lifetime lover and partner, but I am pretty sure the last can be found if I am financially secure, if I feel financially secure. As, and I never realized this before, money CAN buy some kind of safety, some kind of security, some kind of feeling secure and safe. And I still believe if I would have been able to earn enough, pull of Active Discovery Designs in a way it would earn enough money to sustain our lifestyle, Lee would still be with me, would not have left me. Shortage of money, financial insecurity, seems to be a very bad thing, at least for me.

The good life

So what does “the good life” mean to me? Or what did it mean to me before and what would I want to get back or what do I want to retain? And what would I like to be changed, what would I like to be better?

Well, let me try to make a list:

With Nico we often went out during weekends, mostly on initiative of Nico, some things I did on my initiative. And strange, looking back, I mostly, or virtually always joined Nico in his quests, in his hobbies, but he hardly joined mine. Or is that not true?
With NIco, and also before, I had at least one large holiday per year, four weeks going some place far away, yes, as a tourist.
With Nico I often went away for a weekend, to Berlin, or Paris, or some other place. Mostly camping, sometimes in hotels.
With Nico I mostly had at least one extra week of holiday, going to Greece or something, but I also remember Portugal. And sometimes also just by car, to Eastern Germany or something.
With Nico I often went out to good restaurants, like at least once a month, have a good night out having a very nice dinner. I miss that so much. Ah, and yes, Nico still does that. So weird he can and I can’t anymore. And I know with Lee that didn’t really work the same way, but still.
With Nico there was enough money, so we could buy basically anything we wanted, especially food and such, but we also had nice furniture and things like that. And cars of course, each one car.
With Lee I often went to the beach, yes, with the dogs, or with friends. I miss that so much, would like to do that again.
With Lee I often went to Davao, visit family, or make other trips, yes, by car.
We often went to the land in Salumay and made plans, worked there, had plans for the future there.
We mostly held hands while driving. I love that feeling of being together, of being lovers. I miss that so much.
With Lee as well as with Nico I really felt like being a couple. That feels so good to me.
I would want the life at The Malasag House like before, when I was just working and Lee taking care of the house and guests and the garden, and inviting friends and guests.

What would I like to change, what would I want to be better? Well, this I guess:

I would want to have a private sex life, just the two of us enjoying sex, enjoying making love, not the crazy sauna things and other things Nico and I did to escape our terrible difference in how to deal with sex. And not the things I did and still do when I feel Lee is not close to me, when he is not my lover. Or when he just (still) rejects me.
I would like to be more like friends with my partner, just being able to talk about anything, discuss anything, without any fear. I guess I could combine that now with being lovers. That would be so great, being friends and partners and lovers at the same time. Who wouldn’t want that?
I would not want to have that terrible feeling as I had when we had the Landcruiser, like something was terribly wrong. And various things were very wrong related to that.
I wouldn’t want Lee to just leave, like what he did when he bought his property in Siargao. I want to stay together, do things together. Strangely enough I would want to be able to travel alone for my business, going around the world when I am rich and famous.
Find a way to also have my own friends at The Malasag House, independent from Lee.

Ah, and my codependent treats come out so well making above list, as I often want to write ‘we’ instead of ‘I’, for things I did.

Summary

So what do I want, summarizing the above? Well, this I guess:

Financial security.
Some future outlook.
“The good life”, like before, but then without the catch.

My ideal (loving) Higher Power

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Struggle

I am still struggling with the idea of ‘God‘ and ‘Higher Power‘, especially related to LOVING Higher Power or Loving God. And yes, while writing, I am also struggling why in the Twelve Steps in Step 2 there is a mention of Higher Power and in Step 3 it is about God. As if God and Higher Power are the same. But maybe they are not.

Photo

Photo that appealed to me related
to Higher Power right now (found on oalifeline,
I have no rights for this photo)

I just put the photo, based on my feeling, which did not make sense to me. But later I saw the clouds, the sky behind the dog, representing The Universe, Higher Power to me. And I just realized that my dogs, including two Rottweilers, like on the photo, support me so much recently, seeming to feel what I feel, feeling so bad, and still wanting to be me, as close as possible. That is such a great feeling, such a great gift.

A (loving?) Higher Power of my understanding

I wrote below the characteristics of what a loving Higher Power would be to me, like when a Higher Power would be loving. And I realized I ended up writing my definition of a Higher Power, which I realized could be interpreted as ‘playing God’.

Then I thought further and defining ‘loving Higher Power’ or ‘love’ in my understanding would indeed be something like defining like I did. As if a loving Higher Power would not match my definition it would not be a loving Higher Power in my understanding. Then it could still be a Higher Power, but not ‘loving’.

And looking at the things I wrote I expect from a loving Higher Power implies that Higher Power would have unlimited power, be able to do ‘anything’ in my life, in the world, in The Universe. And of course that goes back to my understanding of ‘God’, the God I know from the bible, the God that is all powerful. And that God is also like the God of Islam and such.

So if a/my Higher Power is loving in my understanding and all powerful, then why does He or She not give me what I want and think I need? Well, i guess those things go back to understanding life, to the dilemma of life, the dilemma I guess we all struggle with.

Characteristics I relate to loving Higher Power

Anyhow, I was thinking I could at least write down what to me the characteristics of a Loving Higher Power would be. So here we go:

A loving Higher Power would give me what I want, no matter what, or would at least help me get what I want.
One of the things I would expect a loving Higher Power to do right now is to give me enough money to do the things I want to do, or at least enough money to provide in my current needs, provide enough money ‘to pay the bills’ so to speak.
I would expect a loving Higher Power also to take away my current suffering, especially that terrible feeling I mostly, or lately always, wake up with.
I also would expect a loving Higher Power to help me use my talents in a way, yes, that I want, like use my talents to make some decent income, or at least make sure I have enough money so I could share my talents for free. As I love to work, use my talents, yes, provided that my work is somehow appreciated, which I feel it is not right now.
I would also expect a loving Higher Power to give me the love life that I want, the love life I think I need and deserve, like sleeping together and yes, making love, having sex, preferably with who I consider and want to be my lifetime partner, preferably with Lee.
I would expect a loving Higher Power also to find a way so I could visit my mom at least one more time before she dies, or before I die, as she would love so much to see me and I would also like to see her.
And yeah, I would expect a loving Higher Power to help me restore The Malasag House, renovate it, make it beautiful again, hopefully with the same spirit in which Lee and me occupied it long time ago, in 2006.
And yeah, I would like my Higher Power to take away the burden of my loan away, just pay it, just let it go, just leave it in the past. And I am not sure how much I learned from that experience, of how that loan all came to be, but it was not only my fault, my mistake, there were also others involved in that.
Ah, yes, I would also want my Higher Power to help get YokYok and Arf together, so we can be a family again, together with all the dogs in one place, happy together.
He or She would certainly not want me to do things I don’t want to do or don’t like to do.
Communicate often, show my love often, let Him or Her know I am here/there.
…

My part

Next to thinking about what a loving Higher Power would be to me I was also thinking to add what a loving Higher Power would want from me. And what comes to mind now, maybe also what a loving Higher Power would want to give me:

A loving Higher Power would want me to be happy and enjoy life, enjoy all the things there are in the world, all the things there are in ‘creation’.
A loving Higher Power would want me to be careful with everything in His creation.
A loving Higher Power would want me to love Him or Her back: “The greatest thing you’ll ever learn, Is just to love and be loved in return”.
A loving Higher Power would want me to do the things I love to do, do the things He created me for.
A loving Higher Power would want me to communicate often with Him or Her often.

What next?

So what is next? While writing it came to me that I can at least do my part. As by the nature, the definition of Higher Power I cannot control my/a Higher Power, whether of my understanding or not.

And then indeed, it is up to my Higher Power to do His or Her part. At least now He or She now knows more about what I would expect from a loving Higher Power, how I look at ‘love’ or ‘loving’. Maybe He or She could consider my thoughts on that.

So my part would be:

be happy and enjoy life;
be careful with anything in this/His/Her creation;
love Him or Her as I want or expect to be loved;
do the things I love to do and/or He or She created me for;
communicate often, show my love often, let Him or Her know I am here/there.

Sounds pretty simple, so let’s start from here.

Preliminary result

Writing this page, the above, a few days ago has had some kind of positive influence on me, as it gave me a way to focus on my part whenever I am angry or confused or whatever. Like I just found myself chatting to a friend “I hate God for …” and that brought me back to the fact that my part does say to “love my Higher Power”, not “hate my Higher Power”. It also made me realize that I can maybe only love someone or something if I can also hate him or her or it. Somehow anything also relates to its opposite, like there is no love if there is no such thing as hate.

It also helped me leave the things I expect from a loving Higher Power with my loving Higher Power, so I don’t need to ‘work so hard’ to achieve those things.

Dear Loving Higher Power

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Dear Loving Higher Power,

I guess I still do have a Higher Power. Or maybe I have more than one, but most seem to not be able or willing to help me, yes, help me get what I want, and no, I don’t even talk about needs, because the subject of needs is very confusing to me.

I am writing this to you as I presume you are somewhere out there, maybe even looking for me searching for me, calling me, but until now I did not really hear you or experience you or something. Yes, sometimes I have nice experiences, like yesterday evening I really had my time with Arf, and earlier also with YokYok. And of course Iwa is there, often joining me, even sleeping with me in the bed, which of course feels nice, as touching a dog is also touching something like a warm body.

I guess what bothers me most is that I was not able to have or maintain the relationship I wanted or always dreamed of. Yes, there was Nico and we had a pretty good life. And yes, there was a lot of love between us, but you know the sexual part, the intimacy part was not really working, it was there, especially in the beginning, but not really as I wanted it, needed it.

Then finally I was so happy meeting Lee, and it felt all okay, I kind of knew it was okay: this was the person I could really share my life with, without the worries of not having sex, of not having someone to sleep with, of someone not leaving me. And look now where that brought me. Over time he started leaving me more and more, and the sex was not really growing, on the contrary, it was getting less and less and less satisfying, where I believed love life, sex, is something that would be growing, become more pleasurable and love like, instead of deteriorating and finally just coming to a full stop.

And I feel so stupid continuously writing about sex and my problems with it, as of course I know there is much more in life than sex and in the end it is not even really important. And I had and have so many things I am and could be grateful for, but that all overwhelming need for ‘having someone’, someone who is just there for me, yes, including the sleeping together and the love making.

And I am wondering now if a Higher Power would know about these things, the sexual attraction when you like someone physically, the wanting to hold, the wanting to sleep with someone, and then, yes also going into the sexual, although I like the more erotic part, the petting and such, more than the pure sexual acts, although the oral stuff can create a very nice feeling and create a lot of pleasure. I guess if you would know about it you would help me get more of that. And yes, basically I only want that with Lee, but he is not here and does not want me anymore, so I am having a hard time for a long time already, as I always believed in being monogamous, having sex, sharing sexual physical intimacy only with one person. I know that is not very practical, but it is still what I want.

So yes, I made mistakes, as when Lee was not available anymore to sleep with me or have sex with me finally I started dating. Or like in 2012 I was so devastated realizing Lee had left me that I allowed some things to happen, even though it was not really what I wanted, like the lying on the couch with, well, I forgot his name, and the massage where I got so excited. It was so strange a stranger touching me in such a loving way, like the guy who I was on the couch with. And it was so nice a masseur doing the things I always dreamed of, but never really experienced with a partner. And no, at the time I did not push through, stopped at the right moment. Thank you for that, as maybe it was indeed you who helped me with that then and helped me writing my love letter to Lee.

Then Lee came back and I was so happy, being able to hold him again, sleep with him again, even though he was not really able to give me what I so desperately needed. But I thought, believed, that over time things would improve, also because I prayed to that Very High Power who told me The Plan needed to be changed to give me what I wanted. I trusted that would happen at the time, but then Lee started leaving me more and more again, finally resulting in me deciding it was time to start dating other people, which I did.

And then there was J., which I tried to stop until the last minute, but the “I don’t have time for this” hit me so hard that after that there was nothing really stopping me anymore. And nothing much happened, but again, it was soooooooooooooo nice holding someone and being held by someone, just the warmth of another human body close to me, feeling love, or at least love type feelings. Unfortunately that even turned out different than I expected. I had been naive again somehow again. But yeah, the feeling was there.

Then there was M., basically the only one I ever really had sexual contact with besides Lee, or that is not fully true, but you know what I mean. And no, also that was not ‘all the way’, but far enough to be called sex I guess. And the first time felt so nice. I had missed that feeling, that pleasurable feeling for sooooooooooooooooo long. And then I got confused, as he left me, did not want to stay for the night. I felt so left alone again. And strangely enough a similar thing happened again, him leaving again ‘after sex’. That time was not pleasurable really, as I guess I lost the trust and also felt unsafe physically. Crazy enough somehow I got sick even at the time, even though I am pretty sure now it was not really an STD, but some kind of weird bacteria in the wrong place, causing pain and discomfort.

And yeah, then I. was there. I liked him a lot and I guess something could have come out of it, but I am not sure if I could live with him, as he has some strange quirks like some stubbornness I don’t know how to deal with. It also felt like he abused me sexually, only wanting to receive sex, pleasure, not willing or able to give, give me pleasure. So yeah, I still like him a lot and I guess we can be friends, but no, I don’t think relationship or sex would work between us.

And I am starting to feel so awkward, as it seems I had sexual experiences with so many men, even though I always pretend to be monogamous or want to be monogamous. But it seems sex and intimacy are really powerful forces, hard or impossible to contain if they cannot be expressed in the way I want it to, or maybe even need them to.

So no, I don’t think I want to write more about my sexual experiences of the last few years, as I guess it will just make me feel bad, because the only thing I really, really want is to have a monogamous relationship, yes, preferably with Lee, still with Lee. I have no real clue why actually. I considered it part of the codependency stuff, but there must be more, yes, maybe I don’t understand or don’t know about. The connection I felt when I could not leave him behind at the bus station. The connection he maybe also felt and still feels, but I am not fully sure about that.

And I want to do something else now. I think I wrote enough and if you are the Loving Higher Power that they talk about then You know all these things, then you know my biggest dream, my biggest wish in life. I just want to be with Lee and build a strong and healthy relationship with him, yes including the sex, the romance, the physical intimacy, the sexual pleasure part. But what I remember most we had were the trips going to Davao, holding hands on the way, feeling connected, feeling belonging to each other. I guess that is what I miss most.

And I have no clue what ‘loving’ means anymore, but if you are a Loving Higher Power I hope you can help make my dream come true (again).

And I don’t know You and I can’t find You (yet?), but I guess I can love You too. I presume also Higher Powers need being loved, same like human beings.

I love You,

Guus

What if

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“What if it was a brand new day, the first day of my life, without any burdens of past history, no debts to be paid, no dogs to take care of”?

The last few days the above question came into my mind. And of course I can’t go back to that type of situation. Or can I?

I feel like I am standing at a crossroad, like staying here, in The Malasag House in The Philippines, or going elsewhere, start anew.

And I guess mainly my codependency makes that a hard question. As there are always the voices of others in my head, like what would “others” do, what would “others” think is the best thing to do?

And I am starting to learn that “others” can’t give me the answer. That I have to make decisions myself, that no one else can make my decisions for me.

And I hate this “I have to”, as that still brings the terrible “have to’s” from my dad, and at the same time from my God.

Do does life have “have to’s”? I am not fully sure (anymore). What if I didn’t have dogs but children? I could still go. There are many people leaving their children behind.

But it is just not me (I think), leaving the dogs behind. As I kind of feel responsible for them. But yes, I guess I could now, as I know they will survive without me, can be okay, can be happy without me. A difficult thing to write, but I know it is true. But maybe the question is if it is true for me.

Same with the house. I could leave it behind. But I invested so much in it, I made it so much “my house”. I suffered a lot by staying here.

Time to stop now, as I gave myself until 11 am to do something for myself. And it is about 11 am. Duty calls? But what duty? My self imposed duties for today? I don’t even feel like doing them, don’t feel like going out. So change my decision? Maybe. Maybe even better. But that is not according to the Principles of Success, changing decisions (fast). But I am not changing it fast, as I have been thinking about it all morning. And it just doesn’t feel good to go out, which is why I reserved until 11 am ‘for myself’.