Tag Archives: Desire

From Punishing Higher Power to Loving Higher Power

Still searching

Supporting Higher PowerI am still struggling with things like the word love and Loving Higher Power. So I keep searching the internet to find solutions and I found this article: finding a new Higher Power.

Find below my first attempt based on the suggested exercise in the article: first describe my current view of God, then my ideal view of God.

What do I think God is right now?

Somehow I still think God is that kind of old bearded man on the pulpit of the “Grote Kerk” in Vriezenveen. It seems I can’t really get rid of that image, that picture in my mind.

So it is a man, a man of like 60 or 70 years old. And he has a long grey beard, like Khomeini. And is giving all these laws, these rules and regulations, rules and regulations that I try to follow, but often don’t manage to follow, like I was not able to keep my relationship and I was not able to keep my jobs.

And some of my own rules, like not getting in debt, not having debt, and paying all my bills. I couldn’t even keep that simple rule, as I lost most of my money and was not able to earn enough. So humiliating.

God right now is almost always disagreeing with everything I do, with everything I want, with virtually every decision I make. And he lets me know, as he lets me fail in almost everything I do, e.g. does not allow me to meet the right partner, does not allow or help me to find the right team members for DoctorsConnect, does not allow or help me find team members and friends otherwise.

It is a very dispecible God as he mostly lets bad things happen to me, gives me hope at first, but then takes things away, like with the dog training recently.

It seems he finds pleasure in making my life as miserable as possible, including giving me these dreadful feelings of anxiety and such so I can’t even work, can’t even succeed, like putting time and effort in things I still want to do, still try to do, including doing Step Work and such.

So it seems my current God of my understanding is more like the devil, not like a loving God, helping me and supporting me. Recently I am starting to wonder why He even created me, as I am doing everything wrong in His eyes anyhow.

The worst of this God is that I can’t even escape Him in death, as He will keep haunting me in eternity, in life after death. So even suicide is not an option, as He will just continue annoying me after I die. He will just laugh at me, like, see, here I am again, here I still am, you can’t escape Me.

The kind of funny thing is that He created everything, and many or most things are really beautiful in this world, in this universe, even though of course there is pain and suffering. But yes, it seems most living creatures don’t suffer as much and as long as I am. Kind of weird, as how important am I to God anyhow. Just one of those six billion people or so, so why would He care to bother me so much, give me so much pain and suffering.

Or is that indeed love, finding a way to get my attention? Well, I guess He got it now. Except I don’t know if so much negative attention is really what He wants or needs from me. Wouldn’t He rather see me happy and satisfied?

Another image of God I have right now is some kind of universal force, but a force that is kind of neutral, a force that comes from ‘energy’, from the things I now know or believe the universe is made of, like strings from string theory.

Strange that that second image of God, of Higher Power, is kind of neutral. That force would not allow me or anyone else suffer so much. It would just be neutral and support any effort to create something, like me creating DoctorsConnect and get rich; or me earning enough in some kind of way.

If I could have anything I wanted, any God I wanted, what would that be?

Supporting Higher PowerIf I could have anything I wanted, any God I wanted, that God would give me everything I want and need. Or at least He would support me in my decisions and in the things I do. As to me that is what the word love implies: giving someone everything he wants, so he would lead a happy life, would enjoy life.

And of course this God might or would just use the worldly things to help and/or support me, like putting the right people on my path to help me with DoctorsConnect, even though there might be miracles, like letting go away my mental disease of having so much emotional pain and anxiety. And yes, he might let me win the lottery or something, so I could pay my debts and such and live a happy life without being a burden to other people. He would certainly not use my mom to let me survive financially. He would have allowed and allow me to visit her every year or so, by giving me the means, the financial funds to do so.

He also wouldn’t let me wait so long for my ING internet banking code, even though that long wait seems to have helped me with keeping my ABN AMRO account or something.

That God wouldn’t have made me like feeling guilty and ashamed almost all the time to other people and towards Him. As how could I be responsible, especially to Him, about who I am and about the decisions and choices I made?

He would never put me in the embarrassing position I am in now, not even being able to buy the normal daily things from the money I earn.

And I think I am just writing too much here. To me a loving God or a loving Higher Power would just give me anything I want and need to lead a joyful and loving life, being able to enjoy life myself and help others if needed.

And He wouldn’t come with those stupid ideas that I already have enough, that I already have what I want and need.

Yes, of course I have already what I need, like a roof over my head, a bed to sleep in and food to eat every day. I even have more, like a computer and internet access and people around me. But is that really all I need to be happy and joyful?

And yes, looking back He may have given me what I need in the form of suffering, of being poor, of loosing everything, so I know more about life, about where other people stand, how other people live. So yes, that is certainly a good thing. But I guess it is only a good thing if He would somehow find a way to give me the things I want, like money and a car and maybe a nice house again, this time in a way with having the funds to maintain it and such.

Ah, and he would certainly not have let my mom, and my dad before, to suffer financially. Or emotionally, like not allowing me to go home, go to The Netherlands regularly, like every year.

Going back to the exercise as described:

He would sound very nice, maybe whisper to me what I need to do, could do to be successful or something. Yeah, He would whisper guidance to me all the time, so I would make the right choice all the time. He would leave no doubt of what He means, unlike the God from the church, from the bible, who just tells me to be obedient and do His Will, without giving me any clue about what that exactly means.

He would not really think anything of me I guess. He would just let me be me and be successful. He also wouldn’t need to, as I guess He would be busy enough taking care of all things in the universe, so I wouldn’t really need a lot from Him. I can just manage alone, as long as I have enough funds and such. If He would give me enough money now I am pretty sure I can manage most things myself, without needing further assistance from Him. I would just want him to see me enjoy life, see me do good, good in the sense of material stuff I would enjoy, as well as me doing good to other people, do good in the world. He would laugh in a nice way, enjoying seeing me enjoy life, enjoying seeing me travel, build businesses, helping other people be happy and joyful.

Right now He would say about me something like “Hey, see, that is Guus. He suffered so much, but I gave him money, gave him what he wanted, and see him now, see how much he enjoys and how he does good in the world. Take a sample in him, as he overcame all this suffering, didn’t kill himself even, no matter how much pain and suffering I gave him, but he endured and finally got what he wanted and is living a perfect life now, a life as how I meant life to be”.

And I am not sure how He would look like. Maybe like a younger version of me, but then more handsome, like someone I would be sexually attracted to.

I don’t want anymore

Black
I was thinking of what image to put as recently I always put an Open Graph image and I came up with “black”. And that also gave answers straight away. As light will change the black, the darkness. Isn’t that how it all started?

For a long time already I have the thought or feeling of “I don’t want anymore”. And of course I do still want things, otherwise I wouldn’t be here anymore, but somehow I am so disappointed with things, with life, with things I wanted and was not able to realize or receive or whatever that my main feeling is something like “I don’t want anymore”. And as to get more clarity I decided to start writing about it, as of course the thought “I don’t want anymore” would make my life so, not wanting anymore and The Universe responding to that, probably by indeed not giving me anything. Or only something like “I don’t want anymore”.

And yes, I have been on an enormous spiritual journey the last few years, and yes, that has been triggered by the pain and the not wanting and not receiving I experienced, by the things I wanted or wanted to happen and that didn’t come. So yes, I guess it is true what they say, that indeed pain and suffering is a or the way to spiritual growth. As if everything is or was or goes as I want it, there would not be any need to change or grow or search for answers.

So yes, of course I still would want that relationship. Except I have no clue anymore how to achieve that or reach that or receive that. And of course I would want my business to work or find any other way to support myself and contribute something to the world. But also here, I have no clue anymore how to achieve that, reach that, receive that, or whatever.

So basically I don’t know what to do anymore to make things happen. As in my feeling and in my thoughts everything I knew I tried and did and it didn’t work out the way I wanted it. And believe me, I am persistent, can be persistent and I certainly believe I can go the extra mile and also did that in many cases and over and over again. But somehow it didn’t work, or it didn’t work out the way I wanted to.

So what to do next or what is next? I have no clue, but as I stated, that is why I started writing here.

To be continued…

What do I want?

Frustration

I am mainly frustrated because I don’t have, or think I don’t have what I want. Or maybe I am mainly frustrated because I don’t know how to get what I want. But I think I never really wrote down what I want in a tangible way. Like mostly I say something like “I want my old life back, but in a better, more healthy way”, but I never really specified that I think. And with “my old life” I mainly mean the life Lee and I had together from 2003 to 2010 or so. But I also mean part of the life I had before, when I traveled the world together with Nico. As yes, that was fantastic, even though there was an underlying problem in our relationship most of the time. And the same was true in the time I was with Lee. I was happy and in love and we had a good life, but some things were wrong, very wrong I know now. And I guess it was the same or a similar thing going on. And I guess it goes back to codependency and to not loving myself and not having a spiritual foundation I could build from. And as I have been working very hard on the last I may be much closer to what I want than I think, even though it does not feel that way. Actually I feel worse than ever in my life before, even though I had a very bad time when I was a student, also being very depressed and suicidal. I remember driving on myYamaha XZ550S Yamaha XZ550S and thinking with almost every truck I encountered whether I would drive into it or not. Well, somehow I didn’t, and I still don’t know why, as it would have been so easy.

Fantastic

And thinking of that bike, riding it was really fantastic. It was the best thing I ever did and I still miss it. And amazing I did not kill myself with it at the time, as I was young and could drive pretty fast most of the time on ordinary roads in The Netherlands, like 150 km/h, yes, really, 150 km/h on average country roads.

And yes, I consider myself a safe driver, not really taking risks, but 150 km/h on country roads, even good roads, is pretty fast, way too fast looking back, but I did it, and I never had an accident at the time. And I guess that is amazing, looking how much I used that bike as it was also my daily means of transportation, going anywhere I wanted and needed to go.

And I realize now that at the time nobody really knew me, how I enjoyed that bike and also how fast I drove and such. I guess at the time I was also already pretty alone, pretty lonely, very lonely.

But that is a sideline, although it brings me back to what I want, and also to thinking about how it all happened, why went down the drain so far and so deep.

Finance, money

As at the time I was very lonely and was already looking for a lover and partner I could not find. But what I had was safety, basically in the form of money. And some kind of outlook to the future as I was studying at the highest level University in The Netherlands and was supposed to get a good job after I was finished. And yes, maybe I was spoiled, getting Dfl. 1,000.00 per month as study allowance from my dad. And I got Dfl. 10,000.00 savings on my 18th birthday or something. Or my 21st , I don’t remember.

So that is what I want, feel financially safe again, as at the time I felt financially safe. Every month Dfl. 1,000.00 was deposited in my account and I had a few thousand guilders as savings. As right now I feel completely unsafe financially, as I don’t have enough money coming in on a monthly basis to sustain my current lifestyle. And my current lifestyle may be still pretty high, but it does not feel like extraordinary, especially not related to how I lived before, until 2001 or so.

And strange, writing this, as it seems financial security is the most important thing for me in life. As yes, I used to want a regular sex life, preferably, or actually only, through having a lifetime lover and partner, but I am pretty sure the last can be found if I am financially secure, if I feel financially secure. As, and I never realized this before, money CAN buy some kind of safety, some kind of security, some kind of feeling secure and safe. And I still believe if I would have been able to earn enough, pull of Active Discovery Designs in a way it would earn enough money to sustain our lifestyle, Lee would still be with me, would not have left me. Shortage of money, financial insecurity, seems to be a very bad thing, at least for me.

The good life

So what does “the good life” mean to me? Or what did it mean to me before and what would I want to get back or what do I want to retain? And what would I like to be changed, what would I like to be better?

Well, let me try to make a list:

  • With Nico we often went out during weekends, mostly on initiative of Nico, some things I did on my initiative. And strange, looking back, I mostly, or virtually always joined Nico in his quests, in his hobbies, but he hardly joined mine. Or is that not true?
  • With NIco, and also before, I had at least one large holiday per year, four weeks going some place far away, yes, as a tourist.
  • With Nico I often went away for a weekend, to Berlin, or Paris, or some other place. Mostly camping, sometimes in hotels.
  • With Nico I mostly had at least one extra week of holiday, going to Greece or something, but I also remember Portugal. And sometimes also just by car, to Eastern Germany or something.
  • With Nico I often went out to good restaurants, like at least once a month, have a good night out having a very nice dinner. I miss that so much. Ah, and yes, Nico still does that. So weird he can and I can’t anymore. And I know with Lee that didn’t really work the same way, but still.
  • With Nico there was enough money, so we could buy basically anything we wanted, especially food and such, but we also had nice furniture and things like that. And cars of course, each one car.
  • With Lee I often went to the beach, yes, with the dogs, or with friends. I miss that so much, would like to do that again.
  • With Lee I often went to Davao, visit family, or make other trips, yes, by car.
  • We often went to the land in Salumay and made plans, worked there, had plans for the future there.
  • We mostly held hands while driving. I love that feeling of being together, of being lovers. I miss that so much.
  • With Lee as well as with Nico I really felt like being a couple. That feels so good to me.
  • I would want the life at The Malasag House like before, when I was just working and Lee taking care of the house and guests and the garden, and inviting friends and guests.

What would I like to change, what would I want to be better? Well, this I guess:

  • I would want to have a private sex life, just the two of us enjoying sex, enjoying making love, not the crazy sauna things and other things Nico and I did to escape our terrible difference in how to deal with sex. And not the things I did and still do when I feel Lee is not close to me, when he is not my lover. Or when he just (still) rejects me.
  • I would like to be more like friends with my partner, just being able to talk about anything, discuss anything, without any fear. I guess I could combine that now with being lovers. That would be so great, being friends and partners and lovers at the same time. Who wouldn’t want that?
  • I would not want to have that terrible feeling as I had when we had the Landcruiser, like something was terribly wrong. And various things were very wrong related to that.
  • I wouldn’t want Lee to just leave, like what he did when he bought his property in Siargao. I want to stay together, do things together. Strangely enough I would want to be able to travel alone for my business, going around the world when I am rich and famous.
  • Find a way to also have my own friends at The Malasag House, independent from Lee.

Ah, and my codependent treats come out so well making above list, as I often want to write ‘we’ instead of ‘I’, for things I did.

Summary

So what do I want, summarizing the above? Well, this I guess:

  • Financial security.
  • Some future outlook.
  • “The good life”, like before, but then without the catch.

My beliefs

Awareness

It is a short while ago since I started this post, maybe a few weeks, and I think changing my beliefs already started having some (positive) effect. And strange, it seems all have started with me working the Twelve Steps and it all seems to start with awareness, yes, truth.

Truth, knowledge and beliefStarting to believe

I am starting to believe(?!) more and more that I have some powerful beliefs that stop me from doing almost anything. As lately I have hardly done anything, at least that is how I feel. Like I have hardly worked on DoctorsConnect, on extending and improving the functionality, and that is pretty important and it is something that I (technically) can do pretty easily, if I just spend the time. And time I have; I have enough time. But somehow something stops me from doing almost anything. And I am not fully sure what it is, although I have some clues, like I have no desire to live anymore, so yes, without desire virtually anything is impossible, also according to the ideas of Napoleon Hill.

And not easy finding an image that matches what I want to show and discuss and write on this page. But the image I found on Wikipedia suffices for now I guess. And I found something like faith is not belief. Anyhow, I don’t want to elaborate on that now.

My main issue is that I have complete lack of desire. Basically I don’t want to do anything anymore, don’t want anything anymore. And it may go back to depression, but there may be some more behind it, so I will start writing some beliefs or possible beliefs that keep me in this state of paralysis.

My current beliefs

Initial thoughts about my beliefs, beliefs that stop me from doing anything, from making any progress especially in love life and business:

  1. I believe that no matter what I do things don’t work out, won’t work out, something like the Universe is against me, punishing me for past behavior, for past mistakes.
  2. I am the one who always has to pay, no matter what, I have to pay.
  3. I believe my desires are wrong, like wanting to be rich and famous and wanting to have a prosperous, good life, a life like I had before.
  4. I believe I am being punished somehow. I have no clue why though, as I don’t think my mistakes were that big, until I ran out of money, felt like I ran out of options.
  5. I believe my life until now has been a waste, especially related to my love life wants.
  6. I believe that I am getting too old to catch up with the love life I wanted.
  7. I believe God does not want me to be successful with my business. Or maybe He wants, but I am not sure why He is not helping me or does not let things happen to make it easier to move forward, like meeting the right people to build a team.
  8. I believe I need a team, or at least some people supporting me with DoctorsConnect.
  9. I believe I am useless in this world, that nobody really cares for me, that nobody is really interested whether I am here in this world or not.
  10. I believe that no matter what I do, I cannot do anything, until God or The Universe helps me, supports me. And I believe that is not happening right now, and I don’t understand that, as why would The Universe or God not help me?

Wow, how negative

Wow, what a negative beliefs I wrote down in the previous paragraph. How can those beliefs ever create a prosperous healthy life? But how to change them? Well, maybe just counter them with facts, as above beliefs are stated pretty bold, where I am sure now I can counter some of them with samples where they are not true or not fully true.

The truth (changing my beliefs)

Well, let’s state some truths about above belief, as with these beliefs I will go nowhere.

1. Things (don’t) work out

“I believe that no matter what I do things don’t work out, won’t work out, something like the Universe is against me, punishing me for past behavior, for past mistakes.”

At least this is stated way too one sided, especially the “no matter what”, as not ‘everything’ is not working out in my life. I am still alive and pretty healthy and many things I do do work out, like just 99% of the daily things I do just work as they are expected to work.

And “The Universe” being against me sounds like bullshit, as why would “The Universe” be against me, even if I made mistakes?

And yes, there are quite some crazy things going on in my life right now that really don’t make sense. Like how my phone was broken and how the refrigerator is broken and how Globe cut us off and how I don’t manage to find work, income somehow.

So yes, “The Universe” seems to play some weird tricks on me and around me that don’t make sense, but somehow I also believe “The Universe” is a fair Universe.

Maybe I better say something like “There are some strange things going on around me and I don’t fully understand why or how. Maybe The Universe is playing some kind of weird tricks on me and it may have to do with past or current behavior or  past or current mistakes. This doesn’t mean things will stay the way they are and it is very possible that things in the future will be better and more to my liking”.

2. I am the one who always (->sometimes) pays

“I am the one who always has to pay, no matter what, I have to pay.”

Also here there is this very one sided statement with the “always”. And this definitely has to do with codependency and it also seems to go back to my family of origin, to my mom, who also thinks she always has to pay and also does.

Paying something is still a choice and feeling trapped like “having no choice” or having to choose between two bad choices is still a choice. And I may, or probably am, mostly giving in way too much with all kinds of things that may be able to be solved in different ways, ways beyond my understanding.

I could rephrase this a bit into something like “I may feel forced way too early and way too often to pay something when there may be other ways to deal with the issue at hand. I may want to relax a bit, or a lot more, with everything that goes on around payments and observe and think first what to do, before paying anything I feel obliged to pay to prevent (further) problems.”.

3. My desires are wrong (->right)

“I believe my desires are wrong, like wanting to be rich and famous and wanting to have a prosperous, good life, a life like I had before.”.

Wow, another very bold statement that doesn’t make any sense and does not even hold up. How could my desires be wrong? They may be bold or difficult to achieve or impracticable, but they are just my desires and there is nothing wrong with being rich or famous or wanting to have a prosperous, good life or a life similar to the life I had before. I even had the things I mean with “the life I had before”, so those things can be achieved, can be had. I even had them, so why can’t I have them again?

I think rephrasing this one may indeed turn my life around. What about “My desires are wanting to be rich and famous and wanting to have a prosperous, good life, like the ‘good life’ I had before. This may not be easy to achieve, but it is certainly possible, especially when I perform the right actions and plan well.”.

4. Punishment -> praise

“I believe I am being punished somehow. I have no clue why though, as I don’t think my mistakes were that big, until I ran out of money, felt like I ran out of options.”;

Strange, that I still somehow believe in punishment, in a punishing God. I know now that is completely crazy, just and idea from my religious past, from the bible. So there is no punishment, maybe except for the punishing we do to ourselves, yes, based on what actually?

I know I am good enough as I am, that I am just good as I am, nothing more, nothing less, I am just who I am, I am just what I am, I just am. Nothing good or bad about it, just something like ‘existence’, like a stone or an animal or a star or whatever. How strange humans can think, thing about themselves, create something like ego, create something that is kind of self destructing. How strange.

I guess the only belief to replace this would be something like “I am who I am” or just “I am”, something neutral, nothing good, not bad, just ‘being’.

Or maybe something like opposite of punishment. Yeah, what is the opposite of punishment? Praise I think. Then it would be something like “I believe I deserve to be praised for still living, for not having killed myself because of what happened, because of what life gave me, what life dealt me, because of my wrong believes, because of my beliefs from childhood.”.

My life is (not fully) wasted (anymore)

“I believe my life until now has been a waste, especially related to my love life wants.”

Another bold statement, which, if it even would hold (some) truth, can hardly be true. As no matter what I do, no matter how many wrong or bad things I do, not everything I do can be bad or wasted.

Like I am sure that my dog training activities help people, make people and dogs more happy. And I guess even my daily sending of daily quotes must have some positive effect somewhere, with someone, some day or days.

So a better belief would be something like “My life, me living, me being here on this earth, at least sometimes has some positive effects.”.

My new beliefs

My new, more productive beliefs could be:

  1. There are some strange things going on around me and I don’t fully understand why or how. Maybe The Universe is playing some kind of weird tricks on me and it may have to do with past or current behavior or  past or current mistakes. This doesn’t mean things will stay the way they are and it is very possible that things in the future will be better and more to my liking.
  2. I may feel forced way too early and way too often to pay something when there may be other ways to deal with the issue at hand. I may want to relax a bit, or a lot more, with everything that goes on around payments and observe and think first what to do, before paying anything I feel obliged to pay to prevent (further) problems.
  3. My desires are wanting to be rich and famous and wanting to have a prosperous, good life, like the ‘good life’ I had before. This may not be easy to achieve, but it is certainly possible, especially when I perform the right actions and plan well.
  4. I believe I deserve to be praised for still living, for not having killed myself because of what happened, because of what life gave me, what life dealt me, because of my wrong believes, because of my beliefs from childhood.
  5. My life, me living, me being here on this earth, at least sometimes has some positive effects.

My ideal (loving) Higher Power

Struggle

I am still struggling with the idea of ‘God‘ and ‘Higher Power‘, especially related to LOVING Higher Power or Loving God. And yes, while writing, I am also struggling why in the Twelve Steps in Step 2 there is a mention of Higher Power and in Step 3 it is about God. As if God and Higher Power are the same. But maybe they are not.

Photo


Photo that appealed to me related
to Higher Power right now (found on oalifeline,
I have no rights for this photo)

I just put the photo, based on my feeling, which did not make sense to me. But later I saw the clouds, the sky behind the dog, representing The Universe, Higher Power to me. And I just realized that my dogs, including two Rottweilers, like on the photo, support me so much recently, seeming to feel what I feel, feeling so bad, and still wanting to be me, as close as possible. That is such a great feeling, such a great gift.

A (loving?) Higher Power of my understanding

I wrote below the characteristics of what a loving Higher Power would be to me, like when a Higher Power would be loving. And I realized I ended up writing my definition of a Higher Power, which I realized could be interpreted as ‘playing God’.

Then I thought further and defining ‘loving Higher Power’ or ‘love’ in my understanding would indeed be something like defining like I did. As if a loving Higher Power would not match my definition it would not be a loving Higher Power in my understanding. Then it could still be a Higher Power, but not ‘loving’.

And looking at the things I wrote I expect from a loving Higher Power implies that Higher Power would have unlimited power, be able to do ‘anything’ in my life, in the world, in The Universe. And of course that goes back to my understanding of ‘God’, the God I know from the bible, the God that is all powerful. And that God is also like the God of Islam and such.

So if a/my Higher Power is loving in my understanding and all powerful, then why does He or She not give me what I want and think I need? Well, i guess those things go back to understanding life, to the dilemma of life, the dilemma I guess we all struggle with.

Characteristics I relate to loving Higher Power

Anyhow, I was thinking I could at least write down what to me the characteristics of a Loving Higher Power would be. So here we go:

  • A loving Higher Power would give me what I want, no matter what, or would at least help me get what I want.
  • One of the things I would expect a loving Higher Power to do right now is to give me enough money to do the things I want to do, or at least enough money to provide in my current needs, provide enough money ‘to pay the bills’ so to speak.
  • I would expect a loving Higher Power also to take away my current suffering, especially that terrible feeling I mostly, or lately always, wake up with.
  • I also would expect a loving Higher Power to help me use my talents in a way, yes, that I want, like use my talents to make some decent income, or at least make sure I have enough money so I could share my talents for free. As I love to work, use my talents, yes, provided that my work is somehow appreciated, which I feel it is not right now.
  • I would also expect a loving Higher Power to give me the love life that I want, the love life I think I need and deserve, like sleeping together and yes, making love, having sex, preferably with who I consider and want to be my lifetime partner, preferably with Lee.
  • I would expect a loving Higher Power also to find a way so I could visit my mom at least one more time before she dies, or before I die, as she would love so much to see me and I would also like to see her.
  • And yeah, I would expect a loving Higher Power to help me restore The Malasag House, renovate it, make it beautiful again, hopefully with the same spirit in which Lee and me occupied it long time ago, in 2006.
  • And yeah, I would like my Higher Power to take away the burden of my loan away, just pay it, just let it go, just leave it in the past. And I am not sure how much I learned from that experience, of how that loan all came to be, but it was not only my fault, my mistake, there were also others involved in that.
  • Ah, yes, I would also want my Higher Power to help get YokYok and Arf together, so we can be a family again, together with all the dogs in one place, happy together.
  • He or She would certainly not want me to do things I don’t want to do or don’t like to do.
  • Communicate often, show my love often, let Him or Her know I am here/there.

My part

Next to thinking about what a loving Higher Power would be to me I was also thinking to add what a loving Higher Power would want from me. And what comes to mind now, maybe also what a loving Higher Power would want to give me:

  • A loving Higher Power would want me to be happy and enjoy life, enjoy all the things there are in the world, all the things there are in ‘creation’.
  • A loving Higher Power would want me to be careful with everything in His creation.
  • A loving Higher Power would want me to love Him or Her back: “The greatest thing you’ll ever learn, Is just to love and be loved in return”.
  • A loving Higher Power would want me to do the things I love to do, do the things He created me for.
  • A loving Higher Power would want me to communicate often with Him or Her often.

What next?

So what is next? While writing it came to me that I can at least do my part. As by the nature, the definition of Higher Power I cannot control my/a Higher Power, whether of my understanding or not.

And then indeed, it is up to my Higher Power to do His or Her part. At least now He or She now knows more about what I would expect from a loving Higher Power, how I look at ‘love’ or ‘loving’. Maybe He or She could consider my thoughts on that.

So my part would be:

  • be happy and enjoy life;
  • be careful with anything in this/His/Her creation;
  • love Him or Her as I want or expect to be loved;
  • do the things I love to do and/or He or She created me for;
  • communicate often, show my love often, let Him or Her know I am here/there.

Sounds pretty simple, so let’s start from here.

Preliminary result

Writing this page, the above, a few days ago has had some kind of positive influence on me, as it gave me a way to focus on my part whenever I am angry or confused or whatever. Like I just found myself chatting to a friend “I hate God for …” and that brought me back to the fact that my part does say to “love my Higher Power”, not “hate my Higher Power”. It also made me realize that I can maybe only love someone or something if I can also hate him or her or it. Somehow anything also relates to its opposite, like there is no love if there is no such thing as hate.

It also helped me leave the things I expect from a loving Higher Power with my loving Higher Power, so I don’t need to ‘work so hard’ to achieve those things.