I am still searching for more clarity on responsibility, guilt and forgiveness. And maybe this mornings event where I found out one of our dogs had a bad cut in his mouth was intended to clarify this a bit more, but believe me, I didn’t like the event and I am still upset as I decided to postpone any action as it was just too much dealing with it. And there were many thoughts in my mind, including an “I can’t”, a phrase my mam often uses, a phrase I hate, as it is just not true, at least not literally.
But basically this morning I decided something like “I can’t” towards this issue with our dog, even though I forced it into an “I don’t want to”. And it was a hard decision as I felt responsible and my “I don’t want to” made me feel guilty (towards the dog?).
And a lot of things are going through my mind, as apparently I know the difference between responsibility and guilt. And it also comes to my mind that there is a difference between feeling responsible and being responsible. And right now the question “who decides” comes in my mind. And it seems there is a whole grey area around this, so apparently in the end it is just opinion if responsibility or guilt is applicable. And everything seems to point to me, as the dog is basically okay and the main issue is that I hate things like this for various reasons. And the main reason is that I don’t like injuries and handicaps. So in this case I can’t stand that the dog would have a distorted lip for the rest of his life. And the strange thing is the dog doesn’t seem to mind, so I am the only one who minds. And maybe my partner, but he isn’t here.
Ah, and there is the issue of insecurity, as I am not a vet or a doctor, so I wouldn’t know how bad the injury is and how and how much it would heal by itself.
So well, let’s make some statements:
- The dog decided to fight, so he is responsible for having the injury in the first place (if he indeed got it through the fight I think he got it through).
- I decide to have the dog, so if the dog is injured, I am kind of obliged to help him (as he can’t do it himself). This is a tricky one though, as in nature there wouldn’t be something like a human responsible for treatment.
- My guilt is mainly related to the fact that I don’t earn enough. This means I don’t have a car, so today it was just too much hassle to get the dog to the vet.
- My guilt is also related that I don’t have friends, so I have no one to ask to help me with this, like asking someone to bring me to the vet.
- As I don’t earn enough, the dogs are basically too expensive for me (us?), so they would be better off with someone else (yes, there is also a whole world behind this statement).
- The thing will probably not go away by itself as I don’t believe the injury will heal properly without being stitched by a vet.
- I don’t think the whole thing is very urgent as the dog acts and looks okay, even though the would may not heal by itself.
- Despite the last I still felt very guilty for not doing something straight away, but I think that has to do with the fact that I have to do something anyhow, so better do it now.
And right now it is very late and this whole thing is much more complicated (and interesting) than I thought, so I’ll stop now and pick it up later, either in this post or in another.