Tag Archives: Balance

Music

Recently I started playing music again, mainly because for a year or so now we have a sound system again after the other sound system broke down. And everything I use it I think of that I/we can’t actually afford it and that buying a 3D TV again was kind of stupid, but still, I enjoy the TV and the sound system a lot, or actually the sound system as I always liked to play music, loud music.

And recently I often play music from my student years, but also from the nineties, which I consider actually my best time as then I traveled the world and we went long weekends to Berlin and Paris and such. And somehow that was a good time, even though also then I had problems, especially during my student time I had big problems. And in my relationship, when I traveled the world, there was also some deep underlying problem that finally caused the relationship to collapse.

And playing the music brought back memories, together with just enjoying the music and some new insights like how much ‘organized effort’ is behind just one recording, behind one CD, behind a tour of a band. And how different times are now, how different I am now. And somehow I miss that time, as things were much clearer, rules were much clearer, life was much clearer. In the eighties and nineties I still had just my dreams on times getting better, getting better jobs, getting more money, things improving over time. And that was also my perception of life, that if you just did your best, if your intentions were (are?) good, that everything was just OK, everything would just be OK.

And right now I don’t know anymore. I don’t really know anymore what’s right and wrong. I don’t really know anymore what I’m supposed to do from a worldly point of view. As ‘work’ and ‘money’ or ‘wealth’ were supposed to be just a part of life, were just things you didn’t really think about, even though I had some bad experiences with work. But at that time my ideas didn’t really changed. I believed that if you just pushed through and just did your best, in terms of this site if you just followed the Principles of Success, everything would be OK, at least in the material world. But it isn’t it wasn’t. Somehow the rules changed. Somehow life is different now than at that time. And I still can’t figure out what and how and what I’m supposed to do or even could do to get those things back that I enjoyed and kind of dreamed about, still dream about.

And I have the feeling I’m complaining again as many people seem to experience with me. But that’s not my point. I’m just trying to find my way in life, just as you are trying to find your way in life and life doesn’t suit me, doesn’t fit me, as probably it doesn’t suit you, doesn’t fit you, although of the last of course I can’t be sure. As many people still somehow seem to fit in and don’t struggle as much as i do. But I’m not sure.

And my partner is always complaining that I’m talking about ‘me’. And other people also do. And what I’m reading in most articles and self help books and quotes is that you first need to focus on others, first help others. And that seems to work as most of the people writing that stuff seem to be successful, at least more successful than I am. But it just doesn’t feel right, as to me it mostly feels there is not enough coming back to me, that I’m giving and giving and giving and there is not enough coming back. That the balance is gone. So maybe indeed follow what some people in the same range of articles and blogs and quotes say, that you should also take care of yourself. Or think of what the bible state, love the other the same as you love yourself. It does not state love the other more than yourself or take care of the other more than you take care of yourself. And that’s what I often do, at least that’s how it feels to me. That I do more for others than I do for myself. And that I do more for others than they do for me, where I somehow deep inside believe there should be balance.

But while writing this I also think again about what was in my head when I started to write this article. And that was that when listening to my music tonight I realized that in that simple playing of music an awful lot of stuff is going back to me,  is given to me. The effort of the writer or writers who wrote the song. The effort of the band or the singer to sing the song and play the music. The whole history of TV making, CD making, computer making, internet and whatever else is involved in playing this music from my hard disk. That all is available to me, is coming to me, coming back to me.

And that’s awesome. And at such a moment I want to give back. But then it seems nobody wants what I have to give, what I can give. And then I’m kind of back to square one in my thinking, in my guilt not being able to afford all those things. But on the other hand, it’s just there and somehow it’s given to me, no matter how and what. So better enjoy it.

Listening and understanding

My partner keeps hammering on me that I don’t understand, that I lack understanding. And he keeps telling me that I’m wrong, that I’m doing it wrong and that I need to change. And that the whole problem is ‘me’, something like me being me.

So what to do, what to do next. Lately I have been ‘allowing’ him to be him more according to the teachings of Abraham Hicks. So I’m not complaining so much anymore about things he does and things he wants. But deep inside I keep hearing this little voice telling me “yes, but what about me?”. As somehow it seems and feels like that I’m allowing my partner a lot more than myself. And it drains me, it drains my energy. But also according to Abraham Hicks it is indeed me who has to change, or at least I read something like “…it’s not her…”.

And somehow all of this goes back to beliefs, to my beliefs, like “you reap what you sow” and “who does well, will meet well” and things like that. And maybe the beliefs “you can’t change the other person, but you can change yourself” and “if you want to change the world start with yourself”.

All very wise and nice sayings, but I can’t do so much with them, at least they were somehow not confirmed in my life, or maybe they were, but not in a way I like and I don’t know what to do to change it, to change my life. But again, I hear Abraham Hicks say that you should be happy here and now, not somewhere else.

But my inner voice keeps telling me that I cannot be that bad a person in the sense that I don’t believe I sowed that bad things related to what I’m reaping now. And yes, I always have an excuse to tell myself that that’s negative thinking. So who to believe, my inner voice (the little voice?) or the reasoning? And it seems I am treating other people very bad, as basically everybody leaves me behind. Something like it seems I don’t listen to other people. But should I be punished so bad for that? I don’t believe it.

And I turned myself inside out to please other people, to make them happy. But it didn’t work out as nobody seems to be pleasing me (and yes, I know they say you shouldn’t do things to please other people).

So what’s going on here? Deep inside I know I’m not a bad person, actually I’m a good person, although especially recently I discovered I also have my bad sides, sides that I didn’t know existed. But should I keep turning myself inside out to please other people, to ‘allow’ them? I’m willing to, but somehow I also believe there needs to be balance, giving and receiving should be in balance. And again, my inner voice says I’m not receiving enough. And yes, deep inside I know I’m not really allowing that.

So what to do, to restore the balance? Any ideas? Recognize something?

Allowing

I like very much the idea of Abraham Hicks about ‘allowing’, like letting it in, like not resisting things. And especially allowing yourself and allowing others, although I still don’t fully get how it all works, but I have some idea and I do kind of agree with it, that it could work, that it works.

And it’s funny, because while writing I still don’t exactly know how Abraham Hicks came into being, if he is just a very good idea from Esther (and Jerry?) Hicks or if she believed herself that she was inspired by a spiritual entity. And yes, I believe there is more than what we (I?) just see as reality, so there is something like a spiritual force that makes things move, makes humans move. But I also see just very clever ‘personality development workshops’ behind the work of Esther and Jerry Hicks. So I’m not fully sure what to believe, but in the end that doesn’t really matter as the ideas are very good and I still use the stuff from the thirty day workbook I found some time ago.

And i’m still very much struggling with, or maybe a better phrase would be ‘working with’ this allowing thing, and the weird thing I found is that it seems to be easier to allow others to be as they are than to allow myself to be as I am. And somehow there is always something ‘ego’ in the background that want something ‘back’ when I allow something from someone else or give something to someone else. And that makes me feel guilty, although in the end I also believe there needs to be balance in the Universe and also balance in the giving and, yes the word taking is still there with me, receiving.

So somehow i still tend to ‘give’ and ‘allow’ too much, meaning I don’t take care enough of myself. And actually I am wondering if people recognize this, if you recognize this. And how many people feel like this.

So yes, looking forward to your comments on this subject.