Tag Archives: Belief

Reprogramming my subconscious mind to get more money

Public commitment

So let’s do some public commitment by reprogramming my subconscious mind according to the method described in “Reprogramming the subconscious mind” through the idea described in my page “subconscious mind“. And of course checking if what is written in that page actually works.

And I started this post yesterday, November 20, 2018. Today is November 21, 2018, and I have been practicing some things, like keeping focus on the one thing I want to reprogram my subconscious mind for and doing some mantra type things with my “Money is good for me” sentence.

Knowing what I want (rule #1)

Rule number one is knowing what I want and that is where I already got into trouble. Or not really into trouble, but there were several things in my mind that were kind of conflicting as my initial focus was ‘money’, but then I realized in my mind ‘money’ is related to ‘working’ where in real life of course they are not necessarily. Most of my money I guess I did not get by working, even though in my mind money seems to be (mainly?) related to work. Or actually completely related to work.

A second thought came up and that is that I want my emotional pain to stop as that is kind of much more important to me than money. But that is just a feeling, as if nothing happens I will very soon completely run out of money, so I guess money is more important than getting rid of my emotional pain.

The whole exercise teaches me already that it is not that easy to be specific when just thinking about knowing what I want and I think that would be the same for most or all people.

Anyhow, I need to make a decision here I think and I choose to program my subconscious mind to attract more money to me. And I ended up on YouTube related to programming the subconscious mind and one of the things I found is that I need some kind of mantra to reprogram the subconscious mind and the mantra I came up with is something like “Money is good for me”. I also thought about “I am a money magnet”, but I want the money to flow, I want to do something with it, not let it stick with me, even though I like to have a pile of money to feel safe. But “Money is good for me” matches the things mentioned in the video I think.

And why did I choose “Money is good for me”? I think mainly because I think I was taught in childhood that money is not ‘good’, that money is something bad.

And yes, I think it is a subconscious mind thing, not just a goal I can achieve with ordinary willpower and such as I tried many things and can be pretty persistent, but nothing seemed to work, things just got worse in money matters over time, especially the last ten years, but also before.

Reveal the subconscious patterns that stop me (rule #2)

So I have to have a dialog with myself and find related subconscious mind patterns that stop me from having enough or an abundant amount of money. And I did not really work on that yet, as I believe I need some quiet time with myself to find out more about this.

Maybe this is the time to do that, but I don’t feel like it right now. But I guess I can give it a try. Now.

November 25, 2018

And I did, but it is November 25, 2018 now and I didn’t really make progress. Good I made a commitment here though as now I kind of feel obliged to continue and try again.

When I stopped writing I really tried to ask my subconscious mind what stops me from having, earning or getting enough money but I couldn’t really connect. I felt no connection with my subconscious mind. I did do some mantra type repeating of my “Money is good for me” mantra, but also not so much the last few days. So again, good I made a commitment here in this post.

I’ll try again now to meditate and see if I can make a connection to my subconscious mind about it. And I had the feeling I was not really able to as I saw some strange things in my mind, like rotten programs in some kind of eerie computer environment. It made me think there is indeed something really wrong with the programming of my subconscious mind, but I couldn’t really connect to it or change it. So I finally decided to do some meditation related to inner child healing and/or subconscious mind reprogramming: Heal Inner Child Shame and Guilt.

December 4, 2018

It is December 4, 2018 and somehow the mantra “Money is good for me” is still with me and I think of it, well, regularly, but not as often as I want or should(?!). But somehow it is in my mind, so I hope that my subconscious mind is picking it up. And somehow I added some other mantra’s, even though it was advised to just stick with one. The two others are “Traveling makes me happy” and “I would love to see my mom”.

My main thing is trying to be more positive, have positive, good thoughts in my mind, which has proven not to be easy, but I think I have made progress and those three sentences help me. Not easy to keep negative thoughts out of my mind though, but I am trying to learn to let them blow up, let them dissolve when I notice I am thinking any negative thought.

December 25, 2018

Today I felt a bit down and I guess it had to do with the phone call I had with my mom last night. And during that phone call I realized how negative my mom is. As many, many times she says “I can’t…”, like yesterday she told me she can’t use her right arm anymore. And of course that affects me, a lot I guess, as it is not nice hearing she can’t really manage alone anymore. But it is also teaching me that there may be some truth in that as long as she keeps saying “I can’t…” with many, many things, the result indeed must be that she can’t do many things.

And I know the feeling myself, like for a long time I couldn’t do many things emotionally. And that was very hard to deal with, knowing that I can technically do something, but am blocked emotionally. But maybe again, it is all in the mind and I am learning from that that indeed probably my subconsious mind is much more powerful than my conscious mind.

Anyhow, I don’t want to talk about the negative, although it kind of opened my mind (more). I wanted to talk about how I am going with my ‘Money is good for me” mantra. And actually that is going pretty well I think, as every time I have negative thoughts, especially about money, my mind is repeating the “Money is good for me” and mostly makes my mind shift into at least a more positive mindset.

The next thing I wanted to share is that I have two or three more mantra’s in my mind. And even though I read that it is best to focus on one thing at the time, the other two or three mantra’s are in my mind already. And they are:

Traveling makes me happy.
I would love to visit my mom.
Having a car is convenient.

And whenever I have negative thoughts e.g. being in a Jeepney, like thinking I don’t have my own transportation, I am trying to think that at least I am traveling and that traveling makes me happy. And slowly I am realizing that probably indeed I could visit my mom if I wanted to. Main limitation there is that I would like to be in a financial position I could pay for that myself easily. But maybe I can already, as somehow money is coming to me in a more positive way and somehow my financial situation has improved, even though it is not even close to what I want or what I want to manifest.

And the “Having a car is convenient” produces the image of my black Mitsubishi Pajero in my mind. So there is a strong link between car or my car and the car I imagined for so long as being my dream car. And a Mitsubishi Pajero is not really my dream car, as that would be an Aston Martin V8 Volante, but the image is there and I think I am creating positive thoughts around having a car or manifesting a Mitsubishi Pajero.

So I think I am making progress and also started reading “Manifest Now” from “Idil Ahmed”, again, literature producing positive thoughts, a positive mindset.

Rule #3: Apply the subconscious shifting methods before sleep

And I only realize now, December 4, 2018, while I am writing in the previous paragraph, that I missed something.

The site says:

When using those techniques that are presented below to program your subconscious mind, it must be before sleeping time or right when you wake up in the morning.About 15 minutes before falling asleep, the mind and body begin to calm down, the muscles loosen up, the breathing becomes more at ease, the heartbeats start to slow down and the whole system gets into a deeper relaxation mode. At this point, the brain produces alpha waves.Researcher’s EEG studies show that in this 15-minute window between wakefulness and sleep, the brain waves slow down and there are between 7-14 electrical waves each second – those are Alpha waves.

In this stage, according to research, The subconscious mind’s tunnel is “open” to receive messages.

I don’t want anymore

Leave a reply

Black
I was thinking of what image to put as recently I always put an Open Graph image and I came up with “black”. And that also gave answers straight away. As light will change the black, the darkness. Isn’t that how it all started?

For a long time already I have the thought or feeling of “I don’t want anymore”. And of course I do still want things, otherwise I wouldn’t be here anymore, but somehow I am so disappointed with things, with life, with things I wanted and was not able to realize or receive or whatever that my main feeling is something like “I don’t want anymore”. And as to get more clarity I decided to start writing about it, as of course the thought “I don’t want anymore” would make my life so, not wanting anymore and The Universe responding to that, probably by indeed not giving me anything. Or only something like “I don’t want anymore”.

And yes, I have been on an enormous spiritual journey the last few years, and yes, that has been triggered by the pain and the not wanting and not receiving I experienced, by the things I wanted or wanted to happen and that didn’t come. So yes, I guess it is true what they say, that indeed pain and suffering is a or the way to spiritual growth. As if everything is or was or goes as I want it, there would not be any need to change or grow or search for answers.

So yes, of course I still would want that relationship. Except I have no clue anymore how to achieve that or reach that or receive that. And of course I would want my business to work or find any other way to support myself and contribute something to the world. But also here, I have no clue anymore how to achieve that, reach that, receive that, or whatever.

So basically I don’t know what to do anymore to make things happen. As in my feeling and in my thoughts everything I knew I tried and did and it didn’t work out the way I wanted it. And believe me, I am persistent, can be persistent and I certainly believe I can go the extra mile and also did that in many cases and over and over again. But somehow it didn’t work, or it didn’t work out the way I wanted to.

So what to do next or what is next? I have no clue, but as I stated, that is why I started writing here.

To be continued…

Power greater than myself

Leave a reply

Last night I kind of hit bottom as I really didn’t know anymore what to do or even why I am here. I feel so powerless and my life has become so unmanageable. I hardly do anything, especially in the morning as I just feel so weak, so powerless, so overwhelmed by that indescribable feeling. Or maybe empty indeed, the ‘hole in the soul’ type of feeling. And I keep thinking of the times where life was just normal, where I just worked, had a relationship, income, money, savings, a house, holidays, visits to friends and family. And it is all gone, it seems there is nothing but emptiness and drudgery, not even goals. So yes, I often think of just getting out, just killing myself, hanging myself. And I could (easily?) do now I guess, as two weeks ago I bought a long, pretty strong rope for one of my dog training sessions.

Power on my desk

And no, no friends to go to, or family, or whatever, as I know they also don’t have the answer. It is really up to me what to do with my life, or up to the will of my Higher Power.

And that is what I got last night, as it seems I finally kind of got to Step 2, came to believe a Power Greater than myself could restore me to sanity. As yes, I feel sick now. I never felt sick, but I really feel sick now, emotionally, spiritually sick. So last night was one of the first times I guess I really cried out loud my pain, my helplessness, my despair. It was the first time I think I really felt powerlessness as I think is meant in Step 1. And amazingly it gave room for something else, surrendering like that somehow opened a door to ‘coming to believe in a Power Greater than myself’. As I just can’t do it alone anymore, I just don’t know what to do anymore.

And I am not sure in what order things happened, but I was listening to Steps videos on YouTube, and heard a story about someone mentioning someone having a large rock in his garden as his Higher Power. And while kind of joking he replaced “Higher Power” with “rock” in the texts, and somehow that opened a door to me to a concept of a Higher Power that would work for me. As I could admit my shortcomings to a ‘rock’ or anything else, I could read my Step 4 work to a ‘rock’ or something, I could write a letter to a ‘rock’, as I realized I just needed something outside of me to address, something more powerful in some kind of way, like rocks are not easy to destroy, they are pretty stable and sound. I also remembered one day, long time ago, I tried to destroy plywood with a hammer as kind of a healing method, but I was stunned and disappointed how touch the plywood was, not easy to destroy, it would not even break. It was just tough. And believe me, I had a very big hammer.

So I started searching for some kind of Higher Power, a rock or stone or something else that is not easy to destroy, that is like iron or, indeed, rock. And I found some old piece of pipe and some small stones and also thought of the gold necklace I am wearing lately, but couldn’t really find something strong like a stone, like a rock. And the necklace is too vulnerable to me to represent the kind of Power I am looking for. So well, I took that old piece of steel water pipe with some rubber on it and put it on my desk, as that was the best I could find at that moment. And went to bed again and slept I think.

Power Greater Than Myself

So this morning I started searching for something ‘power’, like a stone or rock, or maybe the big Acacia tree in the garden, but nothing really seemed suitable. Until I saw a small stone/rock lying on a bigger rock, just on the top. And it felt just right for me, like a miracle, as how could such a small rock end up on top of this big rock. And later I realized someone could have just put it there, but that doesn’t really matter. It was just there and it caught my attention and it suits my purpose for now: something outside of myself that is ‘hard’, that is strong. And yes, I am starting to realize it doesn’t really matter what I choose as my Higher Power, as long as it suits the purpose of ‘Higher Power’. As yes, I was thinking a rock like this could be lost or broken or even pulverized or whatever. But that doesn’t matter, as I can always replace it, always find a new Higher Power, as long as I make a choice. And yes, that is what I wanted to add. It felt very important that I made a choice, that I just made ‘some choice’ for ‘some Higher Power’, right now, just for today, or this week, or this month, or this year, or yes, this lifetime, but that doesn’t seem to really matter now. The main decision to make was making a choice, which I did.

My life has become unmaneagable

Leave a reply

Chaos Today, this morning, my life had become unmanageable again. I felt fully overwhelmed and was not able to do anything. I felt completely paralyzed. And I still do, although I started moving a bit and started writing here now.

And it is still so strange, feeling completely overwhelmed, not being able to do anything, or at least not anything useful. I still believe I ought to be able to control myself and ‘start working’, start doing something useful. But I just can’t, or at least couldn’t.

But yes, did I change. Wow, I think I changed a lot. The blame has gone, or at least seems to subside. As somehow indeed what is happening to me when I feel completely overwhelmed is out of my control. So maybe right now I am starting to understand or practice Step 1 really. The hard part is still how frustrating it is knowing that I am wasting my time, that I could use my time so much better, to work, to earn or whatever. Not wallowing in this terrible state of, well, I don’t know how to call it.

So is this rock bottom now? I have no clue. But yeah, I guess this was quite some bottom as I realized somehow I am suffering from something I cannot control. And that something has taken over my life, is making my life unmanageable. As I really couldn’t do anything this morning, I didn’t see any way to get out of that state, get out of bed, get moving and do the things I actually wanted or thought I needed to do.

So am I willing to do ‘anything’ like working The Steps seriously. Or more seriously than before? And would that really be a way out of this miserable existence I feel I am in? Ah, I hate discipline so much, like ‘working the Steps every day’ or something. That is just not me. But yeah, I also learn more and more that I am just human, that I can’t be perfect. And that in the end any ‘working the Steps’ may just be good enough, in that or this moment. Like really working The Steps seems so impossible, even though looking back I made enormous progress by just doing it my way, just my limited way, mostly by just reading the, mostly Coda, materials, listening to meditation tapes, recently praying more, and ‘doing nothing’ where I wanted to control ‘everything’.

Ah, yes, the writing, the journaling, which I prefer to dp here, helps, at least I think. Even though I often feel ashamed and guilty writing here, as it is public and not anonymous. And as thoughts are supposed to be private or something. Or a journal is supposed to be private. Ah, yes, maybe there is also some pride involved in writing in public, as I still want to be rich and famous. But I am just thinking, did Melodie Beattie (own website) not also write a lot in public? And maybe here is where I pull myself down (again), as why would I not be a good writer? At least I am a writer as I wrote 99% of the text in this site. And no, I don’t earn from it, but does that make me a bad writer or no writer at all? Ah, yes, it would be so nice to do the things Melody Beattie was able to do, like paying back all her debts and such. But I am not there (yet) and right now I still have no clue if I would ever recover enough to live at least a normal life again. But as the program says, everybody’s journey is different and hers seems to have been so much easier than mine. But who knows if it really is and does it really matter? I guess what matters most is that I would feel better and be able to achieve my dreams and desires in a more normal way, instead of lying on the bed paralyzed, not able to do anything useful, or at least that is how it feels in such moments. But then again, I could have never written this post if I hadn’t been in that situation this morning, with a complete relapse in being swallowed in emotions.

And yes, I know now that “this too shall pass” is true, as I am writing this right now and I feel a lot better, at least doing ‘something’ and even planning to do some work later, if I feel like it. But not easy knowing that, believing that, when I am on my deepest down, like earlier today. Knowing it makes me feel calmer though, even in those moments, and I am more patient now just letting the time come that I can move again, like now.

And yeah, I feel a bit drunk now, but at least much more relaxed. Not sure if using alcohol for that is good or bad, but right now it helps me be more relaxed, feel more relaxed, more in control of things. On the contrary of what one may believe related to this it feels good, so can something that feels good be really bad? As what someone said to me, if it feels bad it is probably bad.

And I was looking for an image, yes, mainly for SEO purposes, about unmanageabilty, so I searched for something like ‘chaos’. Amazingly, none of the photos tagged with chaos really looked chaotic. I saw beauty in all of them, order in all of them. Maybe on purpose, as people wanting to make a ‘professional’ photo may somehow stage something like ‘chaos’. But still, even the less staged photos had something organized, something beautiful in them.

And just a few minutes ago I was thinking I can start about manageability, like how can I live my life in a more manageable way. And that brings me to the idea of ‘planning’, and something like executing that plan. But not in a forced way, as that does not work, as I know e.g. from the dog training I do.

And right now that terrible feeling is coming back. And no, it seems I still can’t control it. I also somehow know I have been writing too long, have been doing too much right now. So instead of managing my time, making a plan or something, including some rest and relaxation, I am back to compulsive behavior.

So no, still don’t know what to do right now. ‘Working the Steps’ is working again, where I just need to relax, just need to rest. So maybe just do that, no matter how hard that is for me now.

My beliefs

Leave a reply

Awareness

It is a short while ago since I started this post, maybe a few weeks, and I think changing my beliefs already started having some (positive) effect. And strange, it seems all have started with me working the Twelve Steps and it all seems to start with awareness, yes, truth.

Starting to believe

I am starting to believe(?!) more and more that I have some powerful beliefs that stop me from doing almost anything. As lately I have hardly done anything, at least that is how I feel. Like I have hardly worked on DoctorsConnect, on extending and improving the functionality, and that is pretty important and it is something that I (technically) can do pretty easily, if I just spend the time. And time I have; I have enough time. But somehow something stops me from doing almost anything. And I am not fully sure what it is, although I have some clues, like I have no desire to live anymore, so yes, without desire virtually anything is impossible, also according to the ideas of Napoleon Hill.

And not easy finding an image that matches what I want to show and discuss and write on this page. But the image I found on Wikipedia suffices for now I guess. And I found something like faith is not belief. Anyhow, I don’t want to elaborate on that now.

My main issue is that I have complete lack of desire. Basically I don’t want to do anything anymore, don’t want anything anymore. And it may go back to depression, but there may be some more behind it, so I will start writing some beliefs or possible beliefs that keep me in this state of paralysis.

My current beliefs

Initial thoughts about my beliefs, beliefs that stop me from doing anything, from making any progress especially in love life and business:

I believe that no matter what I do things don’t work out, won’t work out, something like the Universe is against me, punishing me for past behavior, for past mistakes.
I am the one who always has to pay, no matter what, I have to pay.
I believe my desires are wrong, like wanting to be rich and famous and wanting to have a prosperous, good life, a life like I had before.
I believe I am being punished somehow. I have no clue why though, as I don’t think my mistakes were that big, until I ran out of money, felt like I ran out of options.
I believe my life until now has been a waste, especially related to my love life wants.
I believe that I am getting too old to catch up with the love life I wanted.
I believe God does not want me to be successful with my business. Or maybe He wants, but I am not sure why He is not helping me or does not let things happen to make it easier to move forward, like meeting the right people to build a team.
I believe I need a team, or at least some people supporting me with DoctorsConnect.
I believe I am useless in this world, that nobody really cares for me, that nobody is really interested whether I am here in this world or not.
I believe that no matter what I do, I cannot do anything, until God or The Universe helps me, supports me. And I believe that is not happening right now, and I don’t understand that, as why would The Universe or God not help me?

Wow, how negative

Wow, what a negative beliefs I wrote down in the previous paragraph. How can those beliefs ever create a prosperous healthy life? But how to change them? Well, maybe just counter them with facts, as above beliefs are stated pretty bold, where I am sure now I can counter some of them with samples where they are not true or not fully true.

The truth (changing my beliefs)

Well, let’s state some truths about above belief, as with these beliefs I will go nowhere.

1. Things (don’t) work out

“I believe that no matter what I do things don’t work out, won’t work out, something like the Universe is against me, punishing me for past behavior, for past mistakes.”

At least this is stated way too one sided, especially the “no matter what”, as not ‘everything’ is not working out in my life. I am still alive and pretty healthy and many things I do do work out, like just 99% of the daily things I do just work as they are expected to work.

And “The Universe” being against me sounds like bullshit, as why would “The Universe” be against me, even if I made mistakes?

And yes, there are quite some crazy things going on in my life right now that really don’t make sense. Like how my phone was broken and how the refrigerator is broken and how Globe cut us off and how I don’t manage to find work, income somehow.

So yes, “The Universe” seems to play some weird tricks on me and around me that don’t make sense, but somehow I also believe “The Universe” is a fair Universe.

Maybe I better say something like “There are some strange things going on around me and I don’t fully understand why or how. Maybe The Universe is playing some kind of weird tricks on me and it may have to do with past or current behavior or past or current mistakes. This doesn’t mean things will stay the way they are and it is very possible that things in the future will be better and more to my liking”.

2. I am the one who always (->sometimes) pays

“I am the one who always has to pay, no matter what, I have to pay.”

Also here there is this very one sided statement with the “always”. And this definitely has to do with codependency and it also seems to go back to my family of origin, to my mom, who also thinks she always has to pay and also does.

Paying something is still a choice and feeling trapped like “having no choice” or having to choose between two bad choices is still a choice. And I may, or probably am, mostly giving in way too much with all kinds of things that may be able to be solved in different ways, ways beyond my understanding.

I could rephrase this a bit into something like “I may feel forced way too early and way too often to pay something when there may be other ways to deal with the issue at hand. I may want to relax a bit, or a lot more, with everything that goes on around payments and observe and think first what to do, before paying anything I feel obliged to pay to prevent (further) problems.”.

3. My desires are wrong (->right)

“I believe my desires are wrong, like wanting to be rich and famous and wanting to have a prosperous, good life, a life like I had before.”.

Wow, another very bold statement that doesn’t make any sense and does not even hold up. How could my desires be wrong? They may be bold or difficult to achieve or impracticable, but they are just my desires and there is nothing wrong with being rich or famous or wanting to have a prosperous, good life or a life similar to the life I had before. I even had the things I mean with “the life I had before”, so those things can be achieved, can be had. I even had them, so why can’t I have them again?

I think rephrasing this one may indeed turn my life around. What about “My desires are wanting to be rich and famous and wanting to have a prosperous, good life, like the ‘good life’ I had before. This may not be easy to achieve, but it is certainly possible, especially when I perform the right actions and plan well.”.

4. Punishment -> praise

“I believe I am being punished somehow. I have no clue why though, as I don’t think my mistakes were that big, until I ran out of money, felt like I ran out of options.”;

Strange, that I still somehow believe in punishment, in a punishing God. I know now that is completely crazy, just and idea from my religious past, from the bible. So there is no punishment, maybe except for the punishing we do to ourselves, yes, based on what actually?

I know I am good enough as I am, that I am just good as I am, nothing more, nothing less, I am just who I am, I am just what I am, I just am. Nothing good or bad about it, just something like ‘existence’, like a stone or an animal or a star or whatever. How strange humans can think, thing about themselves, create something like ego, create something that is kind of self destructing. How strange.

I guess the only belief to replace this would be something like “I am who I am” or just “I am”, something neutral, nothing good, not bad, just ‘being’.

Or maybe something like opposite of punishment. Yeah, what is the opposite of punishment? Praise I think. Then it would be something like “I believe I deserve to be praised for still living, for not having killed myself because of what happened, because of what life gave me, what life dealt me, because of my wrong believes, because of my beliefs from childhood.”.

My life is (not fully) wasted (anymore)

“I believe my life until now has been a waste, especially related to my love life wants.”

Another bold statement, which, if it even would hold (some) truth, can hardly be true. As no matter what I do, no matter how many wrong or bad things I do, not everything I do can be bad or wasted.

Like I am sure that my dog training activities help people, make people and dogs more happy. And I guess even my daily sending of daily quotes must have some positive effect somewhere, with someone, some day or days.

So a better belief would be something like “My life, me living, me being here on this earth, at least sometimes has some positive effects.”.

…

My new beliefs

My new, more productive beliefs could be:

There are some strange things going on around me and I don’t fully understand why or how. Maybe The Universe is playing some kind of weird tricks on me and it may have to do with past or current behavior or past or current mistakes. This doesn’t mean things will stay the way they are and it is very possible that things in the future will be better and more to my liking.
I may feel forced way too early and way too often to pay something when there may be other ways to deal with the issue at hand. I may want to relax a bit, or a lot more, with everything that goes on around payments and observe and think first what to do, before paying anything I feel obliged to pay to prevent (further) problems.
My desires are wanting to be rich and famous and wanting to have a prosperous, good life, like the ‘good life’ I had before. This may not be easy to achieve, but it is certainly possible, especially when I perform the right actions and plan well.
I believe I deserve to be praised for still living, for not having killed myself because of what happened, because of what life gave me, what life dealt me, because of my wrong believes, because of my beliefs from childhood.
My life, me living, me being here on this earth, at least sometimes has some positive effects.
…