Tag Archives: Infinite intelligence

Struggle

I am still struggling with the idea of ‘God‘ and ‘Higher Power‘, especially related to LOVING Higher Power or Loving God. And yes, while writing, I am also struggling why in the Twelve Steps in Step 2 there is a mention of Higher Power and in Step 3 it is about God. As if God and Higher Power are the same. But maybe they are not.

Photo

Photo that appealed to me related
to Higher Power right now (found on oalifeline,
I have no rights for this photo)

I just put the photo, based on my feeling, which did not make sense to me. But later I saw the clouds, the sky behind the dog, representing The Universe, Higher Power to me. And I just realized that my dogs, including two Rottweilers, like on the photo, support me so much recently, seeming to feel what I feel, feeling so bad, and still wanting to be me, as close as possible. That is such a great feeling, such a great gift.

A (loving?) Higher Power of my understanding

I wrote below the characteristics of what a loving Higher Power would be to me, like when a Higher Power would be loving. And I realized I ended up writing my definition of a Higher Power, which I realized could be interpreted as ‘playing God’.

Then I thought further and defining ‘loving Higher Power’ or ‘love’ in my understanding would indeed be something like defining like I did. As if a loving Higher Power would not match my definition it would not be a loving Higher Power in my understanding. Then it could still be a Higher Power, but not ‘loving’.

And looking at the things I wrote I expect from a loving Higher Power implies that Higher Power would have unlimited power, be able to do ‘anything’ in my life, in the world, in The Universe. And of course that goes back to my understanding of ‘God’, the God I know from the bible, the God that is all powerful. And that God is also like the God of Islam and such.

So if a/my Higher Power is loving in my understanding and all powerful, then why does He or She not give me what I want and think I need? Well, i guess those things go back to understanding life, to the dilemma of life, the dilemma I guess we all struggle with.

Characteristics I relate to loving Higher Power

Anyhow, I was thinking I could at least write down what to me the characteristics of a Loving Higher Power would be. So here we go:

A loving Higher Power would give me what I want, no matter what, or would at least help me get what I want.
One of the things I would expect a loving Higher Power to do right now is to give me enough money to do the things I want to do, or at least enough money to provide in my current needs, provide enough money ‘to pay the bills’ so to speak.
I would expect a loving Higher Power also to take away my current suffering, especially that terrible feeling I mostly, or lately always, wake up with.
I also would expect a loving Higher Power to help me use my talents in a way, yes, that I want, like use my talents to make some decent income, or at least make sure I have enough money so I could share my talents for free. As I love to work, use my talents, yes, provided that my work is somehow appreciated, which I feel it is not right now.
I would also expect a loving Higher Power to give me the love life that I want, the love life I think I need and deserve, like sleeping together and yes, making love, having sex, preferably with who I consider and want to be my lifetime partner, preferably with Lee.
I would expect a loving Higher Power also to find a way so I could visit my mom at least one more time before she dies, or before I die, as she would love so much to see me and I would also like to see her.
And yeah, I would expect a loving Higher Power to help me restore The Malasag House, renovate it, make it beautiful again, hopefully with the same spirit in which Lee and me occupied it long time ago, in 2006.
And yeah, I would like my Higher Power to take away the burden of my loan away, just pay it, just let it go, just leave it in the past. And I am not sure how much I learned from that experience, of how that loan all came to be, but it was not only my fault, my mistake, there were also others involved in that.
Ah, yes, I would also want my Higher Power to help get YokYok and Arf together, so we can be a family again, together with all the dogs in one place, happy together.
He or She would certainly not want me to do things I don’t want to do or don’t like to do.
Communicate often, show my love often, let Him or Her know I am here/there.
…

My part

Next to thinking about what a loving Higher Power would be to me I was also thinking to add what a loving Higher Power would want from me. And what comes to mind now, maybe also what a loving Higher Power would want to give me:

A loving Higher Power would want me to be happy and enjoy life, enjoy all the things there are in the world, all the things there are in ‘creation’.
A loving Higher Power would want me to be careful with everything in His creation.
A loving Higher Power would want me to love Him or Her back: “The greatest thing you’ll ever learn, Is just to love and be loved in return”.
A loving Higher Power would want me to do the things I love to do, do the things He created me for.
A loving Higher Power would want me to communicate often with Him or Her often.

What next?

So what is next? While writing it came to me that I can at least do my part. As by the nature, the definition of Higher Power I cannot control my/a Higher Power, whether of my understanding or not.

And then indeed, it is up to my Higher Power to do His or Her part. At least now He or She now knows more about what I would expect from a loving Higher Power, how I look at ‘love’ or ‘loving’. Maybe He or She could consider my thoughts on that.

So my part would be:

be happy and enjoy life;
be careful with anything in this/His/Her creation;
love Him or Her as I want or expect to be loved;
do the things I love to do and/or He or She created me for;
communicate often, show my love often, let Him or Her know I am here/there.

Sounds pretty simple, so let’s start from here.

Preliminary result

Writing this page, the above, a few days ago has had some kind of positive influence on me, as it gave me a way to focus on my part whenever I am angry or confused or whatever. Like I just found myself chatting to a friend “I hate God for …” and that brought me back to the fact that my part does say to “love my Higher Power”, not “hate my Higher Power”. It also made me realize that I can maybe only love someone or something if I can also hate him or her or it. Somehow anything also relates to its opposite, like there is no love if there is no such thing as hate.

It also helped me leave the things I expect from a loving Higher Power with my loving Higher Power, so I don’t need to ‘work so hard’ to achieve those things.

Laguna

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Wow, a hell of a trip yesterday. But finally I do what I want, no matter what other people think or say. And it feels great. Or at least I am learning to do that, be more myself, do what is best for me, not focusing on what other want or I think what others want.

And that is very hard for me to do, being a codependent, as I see more and more how I am outward focused, not inward. Very strange to experience, realize, that the first thing I do when I am about to make a decision is scanning the environment about what other people would think, adapt to them or what I think they want me to do. So indeed, the human mind is a weird, wonderful thing, but if it is programmed the wrong way, or let’s say a not so convenient way, strange things happen, and nobody is happy.

So what did I do? Well, I traveled all the way from Laoag to Laguna in kind of one trip, with only one stop, or actually two. And the day before I did my day trip to Pagudpud, just seeing what I wanted to see. And I guess nobody would really want to travel like I do, in this very high paced way, but I like it, I love it, and I saw what I wanted to see, did what I wanted to do. And maybe the most crazy thing was passing by Baguio, in the middle of the night, just making a very short stop at the bus station, to change vehicle, from van to bus. And the reason to pass by Baguio was also weird, but it was my decision, even though it was kind of related to what other people think, as I wanted to be able to say I had been to Baguio. And as I had not passed by Baguio this trip I decided to just pass by Baguio on the way back, making quite some detour costing me quite some hours, probably even six or eight, which is quite a lot, especially in the middle of the night with nothing much to see.

And it is strange how things come to me, how the Universe is responding to me, helping me lately. And yes, it is all about me, I am the one who changed, not the Universe. It appears I am more open to listen to signals, hints, given to me in all kinds of ways. And I am asking more things, trusting people more, learning to trust. And that is a big thing to me, as it seems I never really trusted anybody, saw everybody as my enemy, which of course in general is not the case, or maybe never.

Arrival with van in Banaue.
Arrival in Banaue

The great thing during my travel from Laoag to Laguna was that I arrived in Banaue around 1 pm and found that the next option to continue to Baguio was at 5.30 pm. And at first I was annoyed, as I just wanted to continue as I wanted to reach Manila somewhere in the evening, but then I realized the Universe gave me the option to explore Banaue for a few hours, something that exactly matches what I like to do, how I like to explore a place like Banaue. So I roamed around for a few hours, saw everything I wanted to see, had lunch, and finally returned to the van and waited there for a while, having some nice conversations with the driver, some passengers and some other people around. So I got more than I expected, and even more later, as I realized I did not need to, want to go to Manila anymore, as there was nothing there for me that day. So I just continued to my next stop, my next destination, a friend in Laguna, where I arrived around ten in the morning, a perfect time to arrive, having skipped an overnight stay in Manila, saving me a lot of hassle and the cost for an overnight stay.

Banaue.
Banaue

And I feel like writing more now, but also this will be an unfinished post for now, as I want to do something else.

To be continued…

God and Gratitude and Success

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For quite a while I want to start writing here, but I couldn’t find the power (strength?) for it. I guess the main reason was and is that I am, or at least feel, completely unsuccessful. Actually my situation got worse, at least financially, at least that is how it feels. And no, I am not fully sure, as I still have quite a lot of capital invested, e.g. in The Malasag House. And I am or was still not able to get enough or more clients, and my dog training start up appears to not have been successful also. I thought finally God gave me something that worked, that I could put myself into and be successful with, but no.

And even money was stolen from my Savings Box, finally even the whole box was gone. I still don’t know exactly was the message of that. Yes, be careful with money, keep it safe and guarded. I now remember Napoleon Hill wrote something about that in Think and Grow Rich, that people do anything for money. So apparently they do. And to me it was not even money, it was just a symbol how you can create a lot over time from virtually nothing. But apparently it was not ‘nothing’ anymore. And of course it was ‘money’ for other people. And yes, of course also for me, as I wanted to use the money to buy a new Rottweiler.

So what made me write today? Well, I guess the progress I made through my Twelve Step Program, the results from that even. And somehow it seems to all go back to Infinite Intelligence and ‘go with the flow’. And a main keyword seems to be gratitude, be grateful.

I guess it all started to be more positive when I got a Rottweiler for free last week; yes, for free. And the strange thing is that I prayed for that ‘a Rottweiler for free’. And I lost my belief in God, the God from the bible, long time ago, but recently I started praying, started praying again, yes, somehow to that God. And amazingly last week I got a Rottweiler for free. (Of course) there was some kind of catch, but nonetheless, who gets a Rottweiler for free? And I am not even sure if I asked for it or told anybody related to Arf, the Rottweiler I got. So it was really a miracle, a Rottweiler offered to me.

Another thing I started more serious with recently was keeping a gratitude diary. I did that before, but this time I decided to write five things I am grateful for every day in a diary every night before I go to sleep. It was a suggestion from my sponsor and at first I was very skeptical and hesitant, but she kept insisting ‘just do it’, so somehow I did it, no, not believing at first.

But somehow it started to work and I have indeed no clue how. Somehow I started becoming more grateful for things even during daytime, no matter what ‘bad’ things are happening to me, with me. And against what I was expecting, like that I was forcing it, I can really be grateful for almost anything, in any circumstance. As I am starting to see there are always things I can be grateful for. Like even things that I was able to just eat or that I still live in a beautiful house (even though I can’t really afford it at the moment and it is kind of falling apart due to lack of maintenance). But the house is still there and the view is still beautiful, even one of the most beautiful views in the world, and it is just a functioning house, no matter the state of maintenance.

Or that I can still buy snacks in the city, just a drink or a candy bar or something. Or just go to McDonalds and treat myself eating out, not cooking myself. Or indeed things that I can still breathe; and that the air I breathe is free. And I don’t mean the last one as corny, I can really feel that, mean that.

And amazingly, apparently linked to being more grateful (instead of complaining), more good things seem to come to me. Like I was introduced to some religious fellowship and there is just food available, food for free. And I don’t mean to take advantage of that, but financially I am very tight, so I just accept it as, indeed, a gift of God, not a gift from people. And of course I hope one day I can do for other people what people are doing for me right now, but it doesn’t feel like abuse or something to me right now, where before it would.

So praying and being grateful somehow seem to work. And no, don’t ask me how, but apparently it does. I guess I am just more open to everything, to the Universe (or God) working in ways I don’t understand, never could imagine. And that is something I also learned from my Twelve Step Program, something like ‘it works’ (or it doesn’t). I don’t need to understand why something is working or not working. I can just accept it, also accepting I don’t know everything, don’t have all the answers, something that was, and kind of still is, very difficult for me to accept, as I don’t understand it. And my analytical mind wants to understand everything, control everything. But indeed, somehow we are not in control, somehow there is a God, or an Infinite Intelligence, that is working in different ways than I as a human can understand.

So yes, I want to suggest to start to be grateful, start trying to find (five) things to be grateful for every day and write them down. And start praying, praying to whatever Higher Power makes sense to you, whatever Higher Power you can somehow find some belief in if you don’t believe in God or something.

As that is what I am learning, seeing and believing more and more. That there must be something bigger than what we humans are. There must be, as there are things outside of us out of our control.

Better to reach or receive

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For quite a while I have the feeling to start writing here again, or just write maybe once. And I already started with that a bit, but somehow I want to go back to the regular writing, but it seems it is still not the time for that.

But today I want to share something important, which was triggered with some changes in my Desire Document. And don’t get me wrong, I never made substantial changes in my Desire Document, even though in the end I may do that. But as time passes I am learning new things, have learned to look at things different, and that made me rephrase some things in my Desire Document as that just ‘felt‘ better.

So today I was sharing part of my Desire Document with someone, and I realized there was still something like ‘achieving goals’, and recently my believe changed in the way that I believe that we as human beings cannot ‘achieve things’, ‘achieve goals’. Somehow these things are given to us. As without God or Infinite Intelligence or whatever Higher Power you believe in, agrees with things happening, things won’t happen. And I started believing that based on the idea of Higher Power in Twelve Step programs and it seemed fully contrary to all self help stuff and even contrary to everything written in Think and Grow Rich. But to my amazement starting to read Think and Grow Rich again after I had put it away for a while because it was just ‘too much’ for me to handle, I saw Napoleon Hill states exactly the same thing: that without invoking Infinite Intelligence nothing will really happen. And I guess that is the secret he is talking about in many places in the book, at least for me, as you may read and interpret the book different than I did.

So I was triggered by something like achieving a goal. And with my current beliefs I cannot ‘achieve’ a goal, cannot achieve anything without some Higher Power helping me or doing it for me. And no, I don’t know how that works and why it is like that as I am only human and cannot understand how the world works. But as Napoleon Hill also states, things happen according to the laws of the universe and this seems to be one of them, that without any help or approval of the Higher Power of The Universe nothing happens.

So I am starting to change things like ‘achieve‘ into ‘receive‘ or reach and things like ‘goal‘ into ‘desire‘. As I can’t do it alone.

And I am starting to agree with Napoleon Hill and what I find in many other places: that you can’t get to the point where I am right now in an easy way, like by just reading this article. You have to (oh, how I hate this phrase ‘have to’) do the work. But indeed, it is not hard work, it is more like searching for the spiritual. And looking back it also doesn’t feel like ‘have to’.

Higher Power

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There are two things in my mind to write about right now and the first is about Higher Power related to Think and Grow Rich. And the second is how would I remember to share my stuff when I am successful. Would I forget all the misery I went through and not give you the information you may need if you are still in the position where I am still now and was when I started Inspiration for Success?

Well, let’s just start with the concept of Higher Power, a concept derived from Twelve Steps programs, where part of the program is developing a connection with a self defined Higher Power, so not a God as defined in most religions.

And one of the things that is beginning to strike me, and actually has for quite a while already, that (virtually?) any religion or spiritual program is based on something like God, or Higher Power, or as Napoleon Hill calls it, Infinite Intelligence. And looking at the Twelve Step program I am working on, the concept of Higher Power is something to be developed. It is not something that just is, contrary to the Gods of the religions that I know. And I am actually a bit amazed, as for quite I while I felt stuck in Step 1, the powerlessness, and I was very anxious to move forward to Step 2, as that is about Higher Power, the thing I read and heard about in many places and it seemed to be the wonder thing that would solve my problems, so I really wanted that also. But it didn’t show up and I kept stuck in Step 1 for quite a while.

And then somehow, while still working on Step 1, something like Higher Power started to show up, just out of nothing. And it was not the wonder thing I was hoping it would be, but where I was so anxiously searching for it it somehow showed up, and as said, not as the thing I wanted it to be, but it was just there, presenting itself to me in the form I was ready for, the form I could handle.

The amazing thing I encountered recently though was that I started reading Think and Grow Rich again, after I had given it, to, yes, something like my Higher Power for a while, as I couldn’t deal with it anymore and gave it to my Higher Power to deal with, maybe even already somehow available for me anyhow, and while writing this it could be that my Higher Power has been with me and helping me for much longer than I realize.

So while re-reading some chapters in Think and Grow Rich it appeared that a whole new world opened for me, as there it was, the concept of Higher Power also standing in front of me all over this book I thought I know so well. And the idea of repetition and continuing going and doing the work as mentioned in the book started to make much more sense to me then ever before. And similarities with the Higher Power of the Twelve Steps programs and even some texts from e.g. the bible seem to say the same thing. And of course concepts like The Secret and the ideas of Abraham Hicks point in the same direction.

And I am not there yet, having the success what I am looking for. But I think I am starting to see what it is all about, no matter how depressed I am right now or where I stand. And it seems to be about doing the work, going through a process, and indeed not about just working hard. So just start anywhere, start from where you are right now. Start with any spiritual or self-help program or religious concept and go from there, work it.