In Think and Grow Rich Napoleon Hill writes somewhere about a river, where one side is going ‘down’ towards poverty and the other side is going ‘up’ towards riches. And that image has been stuck in my mind for quite a while. And the strange thing is that until last night I always saw myself ‘in between’, in between the down current and the up current, trying to struggle myself from the down current to the up current. And last night I just felt myself in the up current, all alone, like in the stories that say that the top of the ladder is very empty, where the bottom is very crowded. And it was even more empty than I thought, but it felt good, even though I felt a bit scared as there was so much room and it went pretty fast and I didn’t know where it was going. But it felt good and next to the fear I actually felt excited.
And the strange thing is that in my real life nothing really changed. Actually it got worse, as right now I don’t have any income and debtors are coming after me, which never happened before. So is this then the ‘beyond’ I also read about? That success is ‘beyond’ the worst thing you thought could ever happen? But it also doesn’t feel like that, as somehow I am not scared anymore and somehow I am very scared. And somehow I am numb and somehow I am just, well, not sure how to phrase that.
So somehow exciting times, even though it is somehow worse than ever. And somehow beyond fear. But also beyond sadness, as I am far beyond what my original (and current) conscience approves of.