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From Punishing Higher Power to Loving Higher Power

Still searching

Supporting Higher PowerI am still struggling with things like the word love and Loving Higher Power. So I keep searching the internet to find solutions and I found this article: finding a new Higher Power.

Find below my first attempt based on the suggested exercise in the article: first describe my current view of God, then my ideal view of God.

What do I think God is right now?

Somehow I still think God is that kind of old bearded man on the pulpit of the “Grote Kerk” in Vriezenveen. It seems I can’t really get rid of that image, that picture in my mind.

So it is a man, a man of like 60 or 70 years old. And he has a long grey beard, like Khomeini. And is giving all these laws, these rules and regulations, rules and regulations that I try to follow, but often don’t manage to follow, like I was not able to keep my relationship and I was not able to keep my jobs.

And some of my own rules, like not getting in debt, not having debt, and paying all my bills. I couldn’t even keep that simple rule, as I lost most of my money and was not able to earn enough. So humiliating.

God right now is almost always disagreeing with everything I do, with everything I want, with virtually every decision I make. And he lets me know, as he lets me fail in almost everything I do, e.g. does not allow me to meet the right partner, does not allow or help me to find the right team members for DoctorsConnect, does not allow or help me find team members and friends otherwise.

It is a very dispecible God as he mostly lets bad things happen to me, gives me hope at first, but then takes things away, like with the dog training recently.

It seems he finds pleasure in making my life as miserable as possible, including giving me these dreadful feelings of anxiety and such so I can’t even work, can’t even succeed, like putting time and effort in things I still want to do, still try to do, including doing Step Work and such.

So it seems my current God of my understanding is more like the devil, not like a loving God, helping me and supporting me. Recently I am starting to wonder why He even created me, as I am doing everything wrong in His eyes anyhow.

The worst of this God is that I can’t even escape Him in death, as He will keep haunting me in eternity, in life after death. So even suicide is not an option, as He will just continue annoying me after I die. He will just laugh at me, like, see, here I am again, here I still am, you can’t escape Me.

The kind of funny thing is that He created everything, and many or most things are really beautiful in this world, in this universe, even though of course there is pain and suffering. But yes, it seems most living creatures don’t suffer as much and as long as I am. Kind of weird, as how important am I to God anyhow. Just one of those six billion people or so, so why would He care to bother me so much, give me so much pain and suffering.

Or is that indeed love, finding a way to get my attention? Well, I guess He got it now. Except I don’t know if so much negative attention is really what He wants or needs from me. Wouldn’t He rather see me happy and satisfied?

Another image of God I have right now is some kind of universal force, but a force that is kind of neutral, a force that comes from ‘energy’, from the things I now know or believe the universe is made of, like strings from string theory.

Strange that that second image of God, of Higher Power, is kind of neutral. That force would not allow me or anyone else suffer so much. It would just be neutral and support any effort to create something, like me creating DoctorsConnect and get rich; or me earning enough in some kind of way.

If I could have anything I wanted, any God I wanted, what would that be?

Supporting Higher PowerIf I could have anything I wanted, any God I wanted, that God would give me everything I want and need. Or at least He would support me in my decisions and in the things I do. As to me that is what the word love implies: giving someone everything he wants, so he would lead a happy life, would enjoy life.

And of course this God might or would just use the worldly things to help and/or support me, like putting the right people on my path to help me with DoctorsConnect, even though there might be miracles, like letting go away my mental disease of having so much emotional pain and anxiety. And yes, he might let me win the lottery or something, so I could pay my debts and such and live a happy life without being a burden to other people. He would certainly not use my mom to let me survive financially. He would have allowed and allow me to visit her every year or so, by giving me the means, the financial funds to do so.

He also wouldn’t let me wait so long for my ING internet banking code, even though that long wait seems to have helped me with keeping my ABN AMRO account or something.

That God wouldn’t have made me like feeling guilty and ashamed almost all the time to other people and towards Him. As how could I be responsible, especially to Him, about who I am and about the decisions and choices I made?

He would never put me in the embarrassing position I am in now, not even being able to buy the normal daily things from the money I earn.

And I think I am just writing too much here. To me a loving God or a loving Higher Power would just give me anything I want and need to lead a joyful and loving life, being able to enjoy life myself and help others if needed.

And He wouldn’t come with those stupid ideas that I already have enough, that I already have what I want and need.

Yes, of course I have already what I need, like a roof over my head, a bed to sleep in and food to eat every day. I even have more, like a computer and internet access and people around me. But is that really all I need to be happy and joyful?

And yes, looking back He may have given me what I need in the form of suffering, of being poor, of loosing everything, so I know more about life, about where other people stand, how other people live. So yes, that is certainly a good thing. But I guess it is only a good thing if He would somehow find a way to give me the things I want, like money and a car and maybe a nice house again, this time in a way with having the funds to maintain it and such.

Ah, and he would certainly not have let my mom, and my dad before, to suffer financially. Or emotionally, like not allowing me to go home, go to The Netherlands regularly, like every year.

Going back to the exercise as described:

He would sound very nice, maybe whisper to me what I need to do, could do to be successful or something. Yeah, He would whisper guidance to me all the time, so I would make the right choice all the time. He would leave no doubt of what He means, unlike the God from the church, from the bible, who just tells me to be obedient and do His Will, without giving me any clue about what that exactly means.

He would not really think anything of me I guess. He would just let me be me and be successful. He also wouldn’t need to, as I guess He would be busy enough taking care of all things in the universe, so I wouldn’t really need a lot from Him. I can just manage alone, as long as I have enough funds and such. If He would give me enough money now I am pretty sure I can manage most things myself, without needing further assistance from Him. I would just want him to see me enjoy life, see me do good, good in the sense of material stuff I would enjoy, as well as me doing good to other people, do good in the world. He would laugh in a nice way, enjoying seeing me enjoy life, enjoying seeing me travel, build businesses, helping other people be happy and joyful.

Right now He would say about me something like “Hey, see, that is Guus. He suffered so much, but I gave him money, gave him what he wanted, and see him now, see how much he enjoys and how he does good in the world. Take a sample in him, as he overcame all this suffering, didn’t kill himself even, no matter how much pain and suffering I gave him, but he endured and finally got what he wanted and is living a perfect life now, a life as how I meant life to be”.

And I am not sure how He would look like. Maybe like a younger version of me, but then more handsome, like someone I would be sexually attracted to.

I admitted that I am powerless over…

HopeStep 1, again. Yes, it seems to be a continuous process, a lifetime process.

I think I started realizing that my life was unmanageable again, so somehow I started doing things, even though I did not fully know how that happened. Maybe there is indeed a Higher Power helping me.

So somehow I let go of my sponsor, as that relationship had become very unhealthy, at least to me. I kept complaining and complaining and could not get out of that. And apparently my sponsor had run out of options helping me.

And strange, I did not make a conscious decision to let go. It kind of happened when chatting with her. She suddenly said something like ‘so it is over’, which I did not understand. And then I read back what I had written and realized it was me, or my Higher Power, putting an end to this sponsorship relation.

And I was devastated, felt very alone, because one of the issues was that I found myself often alone at meetings. So now I was fully alone, without sponsor even; and without people in meetings, without support. At least so I thought.

And somehow, slowly, things are starting opening up. New things come in sight, like new ways of working The Steps. And new people I start chatting with when I feel alone, when I fall back in isolation, having the feeling no one is there. But I noticed I started reaching out, to other people if no Coda fellows are available.

And I just started asking for help, looking for ways to work The Steps again. As I kind of lost that, didn’t know how to work The Steps again, like doing exercises, writing, answering questions (on paper).

So I just found How To Work Step One. And just read it. And then started new Step 1 document. And decided to share here.

And time to do something else, but at least I started, somehow, at least I created hope again, somehow, without realizing. Just by opening up I guess.

And yes, one step at the time, one little thing at the time, as I started making the bed two days ago, again: making the bed.

Globe WIMAX discontinued

Okay, here we go. Let’s take this complaints business a bit more serious, even though I prefer to continue making my DoctorsConnect project work.

And my main reason to start this now is that I can’t imagine that I/we were the only ones affected by Globe discontinuing their WIMAX service. And yes, I know we were probably outside the official service area of Globe, so somehow Globe may have a point discontinuing the service with us. However, as far as I know we still have a contract with them and they have been continuing sending bills and charging us, even though I just received a bill with some kind of refund, so my complaints(!?) seem to have had some effect.

And yes, I can be very annoying and childish sometimes, or maybe even often, with my complaints, with how I complaint. Regardless of that, I am still a valued customer, at least according to Globe as that is how they address me, and, as stated before, there is still a legally valid contract for Globe delivering internet service and we paying for that.

And, as usual, I just started this article to get it out of my mind and ‘just start’, so I won’t continue right now to make it into a nice article, but again. I have to start somewhere helping other people with this, or with other issues, related to Globe. And that means I first have to find them.

Just comment or write an e-mail to guus@inspiration-for-success.com if you have a problem with Globe or with any other (large) company and don’t know what to do.

And please keep in mind in my opinion complaints are in the interest of (those) companies also. My experience, especially with Globe right now, is that they have no proper procedure in place to deal with the issue I am dealing with and am complaining about. I am pretty sure the management of Globe is not happy with how it is being handled, but apparently they don’t know about it.

My trip in 2016

At the end of 2016 I made a trip, a four week trip, and while writing it is still 2016, only two weeks or so after I returned from my trip. And I wrote several posts already about this trip, but I wanted to add a post about the journey I made, the places I visited, the route I followed, so I am starting that now here.

And I am not fully sure when I started my trip, but as far as I remember it was November 16, 2016, a Thursday if I remember well. And of course I can check that date, as there must be messages or photos or whatever relating to that date, or the days after. And it was weird how this trip started, as at first it was a long time suggestion of my (ex-)partner. And no, I still don’t know if he is my ex or if he is still my partner. He says he is not, but somehow we are still related, still connected. He is even still here, even though I asked him to stay away from me, from here, as I wanted to recover from the loss, from him leaving me.

But that is another story and I don’t really want to write about that here now, or maybe not even at all, although that may be also good. As I have learned that sharing helps, sharing anything, can even inspire other people, no matter how weird or sad or bad the story is.

Anyhow, so I left on I think November 16, 2016, and yes, it was my own choice. And at the time I was kind of running away, away from home, away from Malasag, away from my obligations, away from the dogs, away from everything. And yes, looking back I needed it, looking back my (ex-)partner was right, I really needed a break, away from everything, as I had been stuck for quite a while, actually a very long time, in Malasag, in my home, The Malasag House.

And it was hard leaving, as I did not know whether I could trust my (ex-)partner with everything, as he had offered to take care of everything while I would be away. I did not know if I could trust him with the house, the stuff inside, the dogs, everything. But somehow I knew I needed to get away, get out, to “find myself” as my (ex-)partner called what he suggested I would do. So finally I did.

And right now I planned to make an overview of my trip, like a summary of the route I took, the places I visited:

  1. First photo during my tripMy first stop was Butuan, where I changed bus. And it was a stop, as I had a nice conversation with one of the shop keepers. I don’t recall his name now, but maybe I will later. Actually my first good experience, as I had many, many good experiences during my trip.
  2. My second stop was Maasin, where I had planned to stay, as someone I knew who I wanted to visit had not replied. And here the first miracle happened, as just when I was about to tell the conductor I wanted to continue to Ormoc, the destination of the bus, I received a text from my friend that he would like me to visit him. So I got off the bus in Maasin.
  3. After getting off the bus in Maasin I realized I was already too far, quite a bit too far, as my friend lives in Sogod, a municipality about one and a half hour away by public transport from Maasin. As I really wanted to see him I decided to go back, back to Sogod.
  4. Sogod was my first real stop, the first place where I felt safe and comfortable after kind of running away from home, from Malasag. Bus terminal SogodAnd I forgot how long I stayed. I think it was three nights. And it was good being with a friend, being with a family, being with people that felt good, that I trusted, even though I barely knew them. So yes, there are people everywhere where a human being can stay, no matter what. I was very grateful staying there, even though they were very poor, so I even had to sleep on a bed without a mattress, but I felt safe and comfortable and taken care of.
  5. After Sogod I left for Legazpi, my first real planned stop, as before leaving Malasag my first planned itinerary was go to Manila by bus, but make a stop over in Legazpi as I thought it was too long a trip to go to Manila in one setting. I also had never been in Legazpi, and while researching my trip I found it is a tourist destination, so it sounded like a good first stop. And it was.
  6. And again, several miracles happened, first just finding a hotel very easily and smoothly after being dropped off the bus in what looked like a very strange location, and after when leaving Legazpi, just getting a bus ticket and a bus by some hunch I got while waiting for my phone to charge.
  7. My next stop was Boracay. And getting there was really a crazy trip, but I loved it, even though I decided not to push through getting there through Masbate, a route that looked shorter, but also looked very adventurous and unsure. Reason to go there was that a friend of mine is working there and as we were never able to meet, due to budget constraints, I decided to go there. And doing it at this part of my trip was because he had planned to leave for Manila a few days o after, so we might have been able to travel together, as my next planned stop was still Manila. I also had never been to Boracay, and living in The Philippines for so long I really wanted to go there, even though I expected not to like it there. How wrong was I, as I really loved Boracay after arriving there, staying there for a few days.
  8. After my (first) stay in Boracay I finally went to what had been my first goal as a destination: Manila. I arrived there early morning waiting for a friend to wake up as I had asked him if I could go there and have breakfast as I was too early to check in in the hotel I booked. I stayed two nights in Manila before going to the main goal of this trip: Luzon, and then go to the most northern tip, which would be the farthest (north) I had planned to go on this trip.
  9. My next goal after Manila was Pagudpud, as I decided to first go to the farthest point and then slowly go down, visiting the Baguio/Sagada area, another goal of this trip as I have been living in The Philippines for a long time, but never went to that popular area. Unfortunately, or looking back maybe fortunately, there was no direct bus from Manila to Pagudpud at the time I had planned to leave, so I decided to go to Laoag instead, and go from there.
  10. So I think something like my first goal not reached, as I had planned to go to Pagudpud and not to Laoag.

    Saint William Cathedral Laoag.

    But it seemed God had planned something better for me than I had done, as I visited a Dutch friend that I knew from the internet and he toured me around Laoag for about the whole first day I was in Laoag.

  11. The next day I still went to Pagudpud on a day trip, so I did reach that goal also, although that day I did not reach my main destination of my trip: the northern tip of Luzon. Again, not reaching that goal was a lesson for me, and a deliberate choice, as I did not want to end up as I had ended up one day in Boracay: totally wet and with a broken umbrella.
  12. Then the next day I wanted to reach the Sagada area, preferably via the shortcut via Cervantes. And my target, my goal was Bontoc, a municipality somewhere in the middle of the Sagada area that seemed a good starting point for my next target, probably Baguio. And this was the second time I did not reach my goal for a day. Domog Village Inn Bistro and Café.As when I arrived in Cervantes there was no more transportation to Bontoc, so I ended up in Bauko. And again, not reaching my goal was not a bad thing as I ended up in a very nice inn, Domog Village Inn Bistro and Café. You can read more in the post Unexpected Baguio.
  13. The next day I indeed reached Bontoc, but basically only passed through as I had decided to make some kind of round trip in the Sagada area. So my next target was Banaue.
  14. And again, God changed my plan, as when arriving in Banaue I was not able to find immediate transportation to Baguio City. But that was a very positive experience, as it gave me the opportunity to roam around in Banaue for a few hours, enough for me to get the feel of a place before moving on. You can read more about my Sagada experience in my post about Laguna.
  15. After Banaue my plan was to go back to Manila, passing through Baguio. And the last was a big detour, but I wanted to be able to say I have been to Baguio as that is a very famous place in North Luzon. I ended up only staying five minutes on Baguio soil, as the van dropped me off at the bus station and a bus to Manila was already waiting. But at least I have been to Baguio LOL, so I don’t have to explain I went to North Luzon and did not visit Baguio.
  16. The trip from Banaue to Manila lasted much longer than I expected, so I arrived or would arrive in Manila somewhere in the (early) morning. As the friends I wanted to visit were not available I decided to skip Manila and continue to my next stop, Liliw, where a friend of mine is living I wanted to visit and already agreed with I could stay for one or more nights.
  17. After two or three nights in Liliw I decided to continue my journey and go to Boracay again as I had enjoyed Boracay so much. This meant going to Batangas again to probably cross over to Calapan, take a van again to Roxas or Bulalacao. So I did, traveled overnight from Liliw to Boracay through San Pablo, Batangas, CalapanRoxas and Caticlan (of course).
  18. I think I spent two nights in Boracay again and it was indeed a similar experience as the first time. I enjoyed very much being a tourist again in a place focused on tourism. My last night was kind of weird, a prayer being answered in a way nobody could have ever imagined. I still don’t understand how that was organized.
  19. I left Boracay early morning towards my next stop: Iloilo City, where I was planning to meet a friend, which I did. I only stayed one night and the morning and around noon I left for my next stop: Bacolod, where I was hoping to meet a friend.
  20. As my friend did not respond I decided to continue to basically my last destination: Dumaguete, a city I know pretty well as I have been there many times.

And right now I feel like I have to stop writing here, as it just doesn’t feel good anymore, but of course I will continue the description of my itinerary later. Actually I was writing about planning. And planning, good planning, happy planning, relates to this trip, so that is why I (also) wanted to write about this trip. As I reached all my goals, or virtually all my goals during this trip, and I wanted to know how I did that, as in real life things seem to be so hard and impossible, where during this trip everything went smooth, even though often I was still scared and anxious, especially when I thought of my next destination, how I would get there and if there would be a place to sleep, a place to stay. And amazingly, or maybe not so amazing, there was always a place to stay, always a place to sleep, always transportation. And there were always people, helpful people. And even more amazing, none of my fears came true, literally none. Or maybe one or two did, but solutions were available, and the found solutions for the fears that came true were even better or at least as good as my original goal or plan.

So yes, this trip was (also) about fear, about conquering my fears. And as said NONE of those fears became reality in a way that was scary or something. NONE.

Laguna

Wow, a hell of a trip yesterday. But finally I do what I want, no matter what other people think or say. And it feels great. Or at least I am learning to do that, be more myself, do what is best for me, not focusing on what other want or I think what others want.

And that is very hard for me to do, being a codependent, as I see more and more how I am outward focused, not inward. Very strange to experience, realize, that the first thing I do when I am about to make a decision is scanning the environment about what other people would think, adapt to them or what I think they want me to do. So indeed, the human mind is a weird, wonderful thing, but if it is programmed the wrong way, or let’s say a not so convenient way, strange things happen, and nobody is happy.

So what did I do? Well, I traveled all the way from Laoag to Laguna in kind of one trip, with only one stop, or actually two. And the day before I did my day trip to Pagudpud, just seeing what I wanted to see. And I guess nobody would really want to travel like I do, in this very high paced way, but I like it, I love it, and I saw what I wanted to see, did what I wanted to do. And maybe the most crazy thing was passing by Baguio, in the middle of the night, just making a very short stop at the bus station, to change vehicle, from van to bus. And the reason to pass by Baguio was also weird, but it was my decision, even though it was kind of related to what other people think, as I wanted to be able to say I had been to Baguio. And as I had not passed by Baguio this trip I decided to just pass by Baguio on the way back, making quite some detour costing me quite some hours, probably even six or eight, which is quite a lot, especially in the middle of the night with nothing much to see.

And it is strange how things come to me, how the Universe is responding to me, helping me lately. And yes, it is all about me, I am the one who changed, not the Universe. It appears I am more open to listen to signals, hints, given to me in all kinds of ways. And I am asking more things, trusting people more, learning to trust. And that is a big thing to me, as it seems I never really trusted anybody, saw everybody as my enemy, which of course in general is not the case, or maybe never.

Arrival with van in Banaue.
Arrival in Banaue

The great thing during my travel from Laoag to Laguna was that I arrived in Banaue around 1 pm and found that the next option to continue to Baguio was at 5.30 pm. And at first I was annoyed, as I just wanted to continue as I wanted to reach Manila somewhere in the evening, but then I realized the Universe gave me the option to explore Banaue for a few hours, something that exactly matches what I like to do, how I like to explore a place like Banaue. So I roamed around for a few hours, saw everything I wanted to see, had lunch, and finally returned to the van and waited there for a while, having some nice conversations with the driver, some passengers and some other people around. So I got more than I expected, and even more later, as I realized I did not need to, want to go to Manila anymore, as there was nothing there for me that day. So I just continued to my next stop, my next destination, a friend in Laguna, where I arrived around ten in the morning, a perfect time to arrive, having skipped an overnight stay in Manila, saving me a lot of hassle and the cost for an overnight stay.

Banaue.
Banaue

And I feel like writing more now, but also this will be an unfinished post for now, as I want to do something else.

To be continued…