Inspiration for Success
About inspiration, motivation and success
I just realized that I have gone from blame to healing. Instead of blaming everything and everyone I am now listening to meditation tapes and it seems they have indeed changed my mindset, my attitude into a more positive one, like looking for healing within me, looking for the wounds inside and trying to find healing for them.
Just wanted to share this. Not sure what else to write now.
So change is possible.
Today, this morning, my life had become unmanageable again. I felt fully overwhelmed and was not able to do anything. I felt completely paralyzed. And I still do, although I started moving a bit and started writing here now.
And it is still so strange, feeling completely overwhelmed, not being able to do anything, or at least not anything useful. I still believe I ought to be able to control myself and ‘start working’, start doing something useful. But I just can’t, or at least couldn’t.
But yes, did I change. Wow, I think I changed a lot. The blame has gone, or at least seems to subside. As somehow indeed what is happening to me when I feel completely overwhelmed is out of my control. So maybe right now I am starting to understand or practice Step 1 really. The hard part is still how frustrating it is knowing that I am wasting my time, that I could use my time so much better, to work, to earn or whatever. Not wallowing in this terrible state of, well, I don’t know how to call it.
So is this rock bottom now? I have no clue. But yeah, I guess this was quite some bottom as I realized somehow I am suffering from something I cannot control. And that something has taken over my life, is making my life unmanageable. As I really couldn’t do anything this morning, I didn’t see any way to get out of that state, get out of bed, get moving and do the things I actually wanted or thought I needed to do.
So am I willing to do ‘anything’ like working The Steps seriously. Or more seriously than before? And would that really be a way out of this miserable existence I feel I am in? Ah, I hate discipline so much, like ‘working the Steps every day’ or something. That is just not me. But yeah, I also learn more and more that I am just human, that I can’t be perfect. And that in the end any ‘working the Steps’ may just be good enough, in that or this moment. Like really working The Steps seems so impossible, even though looking back I made enormous progress by just doing it my way, just my limited way, mostly by just reading the, mostly Coda, materials, listening to meditation tapes, recently praying more, and ‘doing nothing’ where I wanted to control ‘everything’.
Ah, yes, the writing, the journaling, which I prefer to dp here, helps, at least I think. Even though I often feel ashamed and guilty writing here, as it is public and not anonymous. And as thoughts are supposed to be private or something. Or a journal is supposed to be private. Ah, yes, maybe there is also some pride involved in writing in public, as I still want to be rich and famous. But I am just thinking, did Melodie Beattie (own website) not also write a lot in public? And maybe here is where I pull myself down (again), as why would I not be a good writer? At least I am a writer as I wrote 99% of the text in this site. And no, I don’t earn from it, but does that make me a bad writer or no writer at all? Ah, yes, it would be so nice to do the things Melody Beattie was able to do, like paying back all her debts and such. But I am not there (yet) and right now I still have no clue if I would ever recover enough to live at least a normal life again. But as the program says, everybody’s journey is different and hers seems to have been so much easier than mine. But who knows if it really is and does it really matter? I guess what matters most is that I would feel better and be able to achieve my dreams and desires in a more normal way, instead of lying on the bed paralyzed, not able to do anything useful, or at least that is how it feels in such moments. But then again, I could have never written this post if I hadn’t been in that situation this morning, with a complete relapse in being swallowed in emotions.
And yes, I know now that “this too shall pass” is true, as I am writing this right now and I feel a lot better, at least doing ‘something’ and even planning to do some work later, if I feel like it. But not easy knowing that, believing that, when I am on my deepest down, like earlier today. Knowing it makes me feel calmer though, even in those moments, and I am more patient now just letting the time come that I can move again, like now.
And yeah, I feel a bit drunk now, but at least much more relaxed. Not sure if using alcohol for that is good or bad, but right now it helps me be more relaxed, feel more relaxed, more in control of things. On the contrary of what one may believe related to this it feels good, so can something that feels good be really bad? As what someone said to me, if it feels bad it is probably bad.
And I was looking for an image, yes, mainly for SEO purposes, about unmanageabilty, so I searched for something like ‘chaos’. Amazingly, none of the photos tagged with chaos really looked chaotic. I saw beauty in all of them, order in all of them. Maybe on purpose, as people wanting to make a ‘professional’ photo may somehow stage something like ‘chaos’. But still, even the less staged photos had something organized, something beautiful in them.
And just a few minutes ago I was thinking I can start about manageability, like how can I live my life in a more manageable way. And that brings me to the idea of ‘planning’, and something like executing that plan. But not in a forced way, as that does not work, as I know e.g. from the dog training I do.
And right now that terrible feeling is coming back. And no, it seems I still can’t control it. I also somehow know I have been writing too long, have been doing too much right now. So instead of managing my time, making a plan or something, including some rest and relaxation, I am back to compulsive behavior.
So no, still don’t know what to do right now. ‘Working the Steps’ is working again, where I just need to relax, just need to rest. So maybe just do that, no matter how hard that is for me now.
It is a short while ago since I started this post, maybe a few weeks, and I think changing my beliefs already started having some (positive) effect. And strange, it seems all have started with me working the Twelve Steps and it all seems to start with awareness, yes, truth.
Starting to believeI am starting to believe(?!) more and more that I have some powerful beliefs that stop me from doing almost anything. As lately I have hardly done anything, at least that is how I feel. Like I have hardly worked on DoctorsConnect, on extending and improving the functionality, and that is pretty important and it is something that I (technically) can do pretty easily, if I just spend the time. And time I have; I have enough time. But somehow something stops me from doing almost anything. And I am not fully sure what it is, although I have some clues, like I have no desire to live anymore, so yes, without desire virtually anything is impossible, also according to the ideas of Napoleon Hill.
And not easy finding an image that matches what I want to show and discuss and write on this page. But the image I found on Wikipedia suffices for now I guess. And I found something like faith is not belief. Anyhow, I don’t want to elaborate on that now.
My main issue is that I have complete lack of desire. Basically I don’t want to do anything anymore, don’t want anything anymore. And it may go back to depression, but there may be some more behind it, so I will start writing some beliefs or possible beliefs that keep me in this state of paralysis.
Initial thoughts about my beliefs, beliefs that stop me from doing anything, from making any progress especially in love life and business:
Wow, what a negative beliefs I wrote down in the previous paragraph. How can those beliefs ever create a prosperous healthy life? But how to change them? Well, maybe just counter them with facts, as above beliefs are stated pretty bold, where I am sure now I can counter some of them with samples where they are not true or not fully true.
Well, let’s state some truths about above belief, as with these beliefs I will go nowhere.
“I believe that no matter what I do things don’t work out, won’t work out, something like the Universe is against me, punishing me for past behavior, for past mistakes.”
At least this is stated way too one sided, especially the “no matter what”, as not ‘everything’ is not working out in my life. I am still alive and pretty healthy and many things I do do work out, like just 99% of the daily things I do just work as they are expected to work.
And “The Universe” being against me sounds like bullshit, as why would “The Universe” be against me, even if I made mistakes?
And yes, there are quite some crazy things going on in my life right now that really don’t make sense. Like how my phone was broken and how the refrigerator is broken and how Globe cut us off and how I don’t manage to find work, income somehow.
So yes, “The Universe” seems to play some weird tricks on me and around me that don’t make sense, but somehow I also believe “The Universe” is a fair Universe.
Maybe I better say something like “There are some strange things going on around me and I don’t fully understand why or how. Maybe The Universe is playing some kind of weird tricks on me and it may have to do with past or current behavior or past or current mistakes. This doesn’t mean things will stay the way they are and it is very possible that things in the future will be better and more to my liking”.
“I am the one who always has to pay, no matter what, I have to pay.”
Also here there is this very one sided statement with the “always”. And this definitely has to do with codependency and it also seems to go back to my family of origin, to my mom, who also thinks she always has to pay and also does.
Paying something is still a choice and feeling trapped like “having no choice” or having to choose between two bad choices is still a choice. And I may, or probably am, mostly giving in way too much with all kinds of things that may be able to be solved in different ways, ways beyond my understanding.
I could rephrase this a bit into something like “I may feel forced way too early and way too often to pay something when there may be other ways to deal with the issue at hand. I may want to relax a bit, or a lot more, with everything that goes on around payments and observe and think first what to do, before paying anything I feel obliged to pay to prevent (further) problems.”.
“I believe my desires are wrong, like wanting to be rich and famous and wanting to have a prosperous, good life, a life like I had before.”.
Wow, another very bold statement that doesn’t make any sense and does not even hold up. How could my desires be wrong? They may be bold or difficult to achieve or impracticable, but they are just my desires and there is nothing wrong with being rich or famous or wanting to have a prosperous, good life or a life similar to the life I had before. I even had the things I mean with “the life I had before”, so those things can be achieved, can be had. I even had them, so why can’t I have them again?
I think rephrasing this one may indeed turn my life around. What about “My desires are wanting to be rich and famous and wanting to have a prosperous, good life, like the ‘good life’ I had before. This may not be easy to achieve, but it is certainly possible, especially when I perform the right actions and plan well.”.
“I believe I am being punished somehow. I have no clue why though, as I don’t think my mistakes were that big, until I ran out of money, felt like I ran out of options.”;
Strange, that I still somehow believe in punishment, in a punishing God. I know now that is completely crazy, just and idea from my religious past, from the bible. So there is no punishment, maybe except for the punishing we do to ourselves, yes, based on what actually?
I know I am good enough as I am, that I am just good as I am, nothing more, nothing less, I am just who I am, I am just what I am, I just am. Nothing good or bad about it, just something like ‘existence’, like a stone or an animal or a star or whatever. How strange humans can think, thing about themselves, create something like ego, create something that is kind of self destructing. How strange.
I guess the only belief to replace this would be something like “I am who I am” or just “I am”, something neutral, nothing good, not bad, just ‘being’.
Or maybe something like opposite of punishment. Yeah, what is the opposite of punishment? Praise I think. Then it would be something like “I believe I deserve to be praised for still living, for not having killed myself because of what happened, because of what life gave me, what life dealt me, because of my wrong believes, because of my beliefs from childhood.”.
“I believe my life until now has been a waste, especially related to my love life wants.”
Another bold statement, which, if it even would hold (some) truth, can hardly be true. As no matter what I do, no matter how many wrong or bad things I do, not everything I do can be bad or wasted.
Like I am sure that my dog training activities help people, make people and dogs more happy. And I guess even my daily sending of daily quotes must have some positive effect somewhere, with someone, some day or days.
So a better belief would be something like “My life, me living, me being here on this earth, at least sometimes has some positive effects.”.
…
My new, more productive beliefs could be:
Step 1, again. Yes, it seems to be a continuous process, a lifetime process.
I think I started realizing that my life was unmanageable again, so somehow I started doing things, even though I did not fully know how that happened. Maybe there is indeed a Higher Power helping me.
So somehow I let go of my sponsor, as that relationship had become very unhealthy, at least to me. I kept complaining and complaining and could not get out of that. And apparently my sponsor had run out of options helping me.
And strange, I did not make a conscious decision to let go. It kind of happened when chatting with her. She suddenly said something like ‘so it is over’, which I did not understand. And then I read back what I had written and realized it was me, or my Higher Power, putting an end to this sponsorship relation.
And I was devastated, felt very alone, because one of the issues was that I found myself often alone at meetings. So now I was fully alone, without sponsor even; and without people in meetings, without support. At least so I thought.
And somehow, slowly, things are starting opening up. New things come in sight, like new ways of working The Steps. And new people I start chatting with when I feel alone, when I fall back in isolation, having the feeling no one is there. But I noticed I started reaching out, to other people if no Coda fellows are available.
And I just started asking for help, looking for ways to work The Steps again. As I kind of lost that, didn’t know how to work The Steps again, like doing exercises, writing, answering questions (on paper).
So I just found How To Work Step One. And just read it. And then started new Step 1 document. And decided to share here.
And time to do something else, but at least I started, somehow, at least I created hope again, somehow, without realizing. Just by opening up I guess.
And yes, one step at the time, one little thing at the time, as I started making the bed two days ago, again: making the bed.
Dear Loving Higher Power,
I guess I still do have a Higher Power. Or maybe I have more than one, but most seem to not be able or willing to help me, yes, help me get what I want, and no, I don’t even talk about needs, because the subject of needs is very confusing to me.
I am writing this to you as I presume you are somewhere out there, maybe even looking for me searching for me, calling me, but until now I did not really hear you or experience you or something. Yes, sometimes I have nice experiences, like yesterday evening I really had my time with Arf, and earlier also with YokYok. And of course Iwa is there, often joining me, even sleeping with me in the bed, which of course feels nice, as touching a dog is also touching something like a warm body.
I guess what bothers me most is that I was not able to have or maintain the relationship I wanted or always dreamed of. Yes, there was Nico and we had a pretty good life. And yes, there was a lot of love between us, but you know the sexual part, the intimacy part was not really working, it was there, especially in the beginning, but not really as I wanted it, needed it.
Then finally I was so happy meeting Lee, and it felt all okay, I kind of knew it was okay: this was the person I could really share my life with, without the worries of not having sex, of not having someone to sleep with, of someone not leaving me. And look now where that brought me. Over time he started leaving me more and more, and the sex was not really growing, on the contrary, it was getting less and less and less satisfying, where I believed love life, sex, is something that would be growing, become more pleasurable and love like, instead of deteriorating and finally just coming to a full stop.
And I feel so stupid continuously writing about sex and my problems with it, as of course I know there is much more in life than sex and in the end it is not even really important. And I had and have so many things I am and could be grateful for, but that all overwhelming need for ‘having someone’, someone who is just there for me, yes, including the sleeping together and the love making.
And I am wondering now if a Higher Power would know about these things, the sexual attraction when you like someone physically, the wanting to hold, the wanting to sleep with someone, and then, yes also going into the sexual, although I like the more erotic part, the petting and such, more than the pure sexual acts, although the oral stuff can create a very nice feeling and create a lot of pleasure. I guess if you would know about it you would help me get more of that. And yes, basically I only want that with Lee, but he is not here and does not want me anymore, so I am having a hard time for a long time already, as I always believed in being monogamous, having sex, sharing sexual physical intimacy only with one person. I know that is not very practical, but it is still what I want.
So yes, I made mistakes, as when Lee was not available anymore to sleep with me or have sex with me finally I started dating. Or like in 2012 I was so devastated realizing Lee had left me that I allowed some things to happen, even though it was not really what I wanted, like the lying on the couch with, well, I forgot his name, and the massage where I got so excited. It was so strange a stranger touching me in such a loving way, like the guy who I was on the couch with. And it was so nice a masseur doing the things I always dreamed of, but never really experienced with a partner. And no, at the time I did not push through, stopped at the right moment. Thank you for that, as maybe it was indeed you who helped me with that then and helped me writing my love letter to Lee.
Then Lee came back and I was so happy, being able to hold him again, sleep with him again, even though he was not really able to give me what I so desperately needed. But I thought, believed, that over time things would improve, also because I prayed to that Very High Power who told me The Plan needed to be changed to give me what I wanted. I trusted that would happen at the time, but then Lee started leaving me more and more again, finally resulting in me deciding it was time to start dating other people, which I did.
And then there was J., which I tried to stop until the last minute, but the “I don’t have time for this” hit me so hard that after that there was nothing really stopping me anymore. And nothing much happened, but again, it was soooooooooooooo nice holding someone and being held by someone, just the warmth of another human body close to me, feeling love, or at least love type feelings. Unfortunately that even turned out different than I expected. I had been naive again somehow again. But yeah, the feeling was there.
Then there was M., basically the only one I ever really had sexual contact with besides Lee, or that is not fully true, but you know what I mean. And no, also that was not ‘all the way’, but far enough to be called sex I guess. And the first time felt so nice. I had missed that feeling, that pleasurable feeling for sooooooooooooooooo long. And then I got confused, as he left me, did not want to stay for the night. I felt so left alone again. And strangely enough a similar thing happened again, him leaving again ‘after sex’. That time was not pleasurable really, as I guess I lost the trust and also felt unsafe physically. Crazy enough somehow I got sick even at the time, even though I am pretty sure now it was not really an STD, but some kind of weird bacteria in the wrong place, causing pain and discomfort.
And yeah, then I. was there. I liked him a lot and I guess something could have come out of it, but I am not sure if I could live with him, as he has some strange quirks like some stubbornness I don’t know how to deal with. It also felt like he abused me sexually, only wanting to receive sex, pleasure, not willing or able to give, give me pleasure. So yeah, I still like him a lot and I guess we can be friends, but no, I don’t think relationship or sex would work between us.
And I am starting to feel so awkward, as it seems I had sexual experiences with so many men, even though I always pretend to be monogamous or want to be monogamous. But it seems sex and intimacy are really powerful forces, hard or impossible to contain if they cannot be expressed in the way I want it to, or maybe even need them to.
So no, I don’t think I want to write more about my sexual experiences of the last few years, as I guess it will just make me feel bad, because the only thing I really, really want is to have a monogamous relationship, yes, preferably with Lee, still with Lee. I have no real clue why actually. I considered it part of the codependency stuff, but there must be more, yes, maybe I don’t understand or don’t know about. The connection I felt when I could not leave him behind at the bus station. The connection he maybe also felt and still feels, but I am not fully sure about that.
And I want to do something else now. I think I wrote enough and if you are the Loving Higher Power that they talk about then You know all these things, then you know my biggest dream, my biggest wish in life. I just want to be with Lee and build a strong and healthy relationship with him, yes including the sex, the romance, the physical intimacy, the sexual pleasure part. But what I remember most we had were the trips going to Davao, holding hands on the way, feeling connected, feeling belonging to each other. I guess that is what I miss most.
And I have no clue what ‘loving’ means anymore, but if you are a Loving Higher Power I hope you can help make my dream come true (again).
And I don’t know You and I can’t find You (yet?), but I guess I can love You too. I presume also Higher Powers need being loved, same like human beings.
I love You,
Guus