Tag Archives: Hiding

Self analysis, question 27

I just got an e-mail that made me very scared. And I was just thinking what kind of fear is behind it, related to the previous self analysis question about fear. I guess behind my fear is the fear of criticism as I fear the judgement of others related to a mistake, or many mistakes, I made. And the problem is I am making the same mistake over and over as I did not find a way yet how to correct the mistake without doing other or more damage than the mistakes themselves do. Or maybe I am just selfish, but I have more and more the feeling life has been very unfair to me. Or at least until now I didn’t understand what life or God or The Universe wants from me, what I am here to do.

And I am getting more and more tired again, pushing myself against the things I don’t like, the things I don’t know how to handle.

So maybe just see if today’s self analysis question gives some answers: “Have you a method by which you can shield yourself against the negative influence of others?”.

And maybe there is some answer in that question as I am just suffering from the idea that others will judge me for what I did, for my mistakes, where ‘others’ means something like the internal voice who says I have done it all wrong. And I did it all wrong, but I still don’t know how to do it right, as it often feels I have the choice between bad and worse. So who wouldn’t choose bad?

And still struggling with how much power I, a human being, actually have and how much influence ‘circumstances’ have.

And again, I keep struggling with whether I should give up the house or not. It would solve so many things, at least on short term. But I know also that making decisions like that in a bad emotional state is not a wise thing to do. And in the long term it doesn’t solve anything, it goes against everything I believe in now.

So am I fooling myself by just persisting in my cause and hoping for better times? It would be so easy to give in and give up the house and ‘move on’ as they say. But then, where would I go and wouldn’t I be running from myself (also)?