I am still struggling with the Christian belief, with believing in an almighty God. As why would God let (many of) us suffer so much. I still can’t believe a loving God, as God is presented to me on many occasions, would not give everybody everything he or she would want or need.
It also does not match the “in His image”, as if we are made in the image of God, God must have the same doubts, the same struggles, and maybe the same need for love as we have. So yes, maybe we are here on this earth to understand God, understand his struggles and dilemma’s. And indeed, maybe we are here to learn to love, to love ourselves. As God may indeed also not love himself, may not be perfect, may feel He is not good enough, like many or most or maybe even all of us feel to some degree.
And I am struggling as many of my prayers are not answered yet. Yes, many are also, or at least I am on the road to some of my major prayers, some of my major requests, becoming reality. Still, my last and I guess pretty urgent prayer to supply some money, to make sure I can eat next week and we can pay our bills, would be nice to have answered.
And yes, I still have money, still have some savings, but I want to stick to my budget agreement with my partner, stick to the budget we agreed.
And yes, I think prayers were we somehow put God or the Universe to the test don’t work, are not being answered. But isn’t that a bit unfair? Like we really have to do it right, or else…
And that is also what I am struggling with. As the bible is somehow full of threats, where the major threat is to burn eternally in hell if we don’t live up to something as stated in the bible, like believing in Jesus Christ.
I used to think hell is here on earth, or heaven. Like if you live in a certain way you live in heaven or in hell.
Not sure what I want or wanted to achieve with this post. I only know that it is very difficult to believe in a loving God if so many wants and needs are not being taken care of. And in my case I am still very blessed, as I still live in a very nice and big house and until today I always had enough to eat and was even mostly able to buy snacks on the way in the city or just for at home.
But no, I did not have a good love life most of my life. That is something that hurts and bothers me a lot, as I consider love life still to be a human need. And most of my life I was not able to earn a decent income, not able to take care of myself financially. That also hurts a lot.
And yes, I am learning that I am powerless in some kind of way over many things. That indeed I am not in charge, that someone or something else is in charge for what is happening in my life, in life. And yes, somehow I have power, but it seems to be very limited in the end. As I still really don’t know what to do to earn some (decent) income. And I still really don’t know what to do to create a satisfying love life for myself.
So what does this mean, this “in His image”? Does God feel the same? And does He want to be understood, and yes, loved? I guess so. As it must be pretty lonely to be God. And not easy to love yourself.