Tag Archives: Universe

In His image

I am still struggling with the Christian belief, with believing in an almighty God. As why would God let (many of) us suffer so much. I still can’t believe a loving God, as God is presented to me on many occasions, would not give everybody everything he or she would want or need.

"NiceIt also does not match the “in His image”, as if we are made in the image of God, God must have the same doubts, the same struggles, and maybe the same need for love as we have. So yes, maybe we are here on this earth to understand God, understand his struggles and dilemma’s. And indeed, maybe we are here to learn to love, to love ourselves. As God may indeed also not love himself, may not be perfect, may feel He is not good enough, like many or most or maybe even all of us feel to some degree.

And I am struggling as many of my prayers are not answered yet. Yes, many are also, or at least I am on the road to some of my major prayers, some of my major requests, becoming reality. Still, my last and I guess pretty urgent prayer to supply some money, to make sure I can eat next week and we can pay our bills, would be nice to have answered.

And yes, I still have money, still have some savings, but I want to stick to my budget agreement with my partner, stick to the budget we agreed.

And yes, I think prayers were we somehow put God or the Universe to the test don’t work, are not being answered. But isn’t that a bit unfair? Like we really have to do it right, or else…

And that is also what I am struggling with. As the bible is somehow full of threats, where the major threat is to burn eternally in hell if we don’t live up to something as stated in the bible, like believing in Jesus Christ.

I used to think hell is here on earth, or heaven. Like if you live in a certain way you live in heaven or in hell.

Not sure what I want or wanted to achieve with this post. I only know that it is very difficult to believe in a loving God if so many wants and needs are not being taken care of. And in my case I am still very blessed, as I still live in a very nice and big house and until today I always had enough to eat and was even mostly able to buy snacks on the way in the city or just for at home.

But no, I did not have a good love life most of my life. That is something that hurts and bothers me a lot, as I consider love life still to be a human need. And most of my life I was not able to earn a decent income, not able to take care of myself financially. That also hurts a lot.

And yes, I am learning that I am powerless in some kind of way over many things. That indeed I am not in charge, that someone or something else is in charge for what is happening in my life, in life. And yes, somehow I have power, but it seems to be very limited in the end. As I still really don’t know what to do to earn some (decent) income. And I still really don’t know what to do to create a satisfying love life for myself.

So what does this mean, this “in His image”? Does God feel the same? And does He want to be understood, and yes, loved? I guess so. As it must be pretty lonely to be God. And not easy to love yourself.


Wow, a hell of a trip yesterday. But finally I do what I want, no matter what other people think or say. And it feels great. Or at least I am learning to do that, be more myself, do what is best for me, not focusing on what other want or I think what others want.

And that is very hard for me to do, being a codependent, as I see more and more how I am outward focused, not inward. Very strange to experience, realize, that the first thing I do when I am about to make a decision is scanning the environment about what other people would think, adapt to them or what I think they want me to do. So indeed, the human mind is a weird, wonderful thing, but if it is programmed the wrong way, or let’s say a not so convenient way, strange things happen, and nobody is happy.

So what did I do? Well, I traveled all the way from Laoag to Laguna in kind of one trip, with only one stop, or actually two. And the day before I did my day trip to Pagudpud, just seeing what I wanted to see. And I guess nobody would really want to travel like I do, in this very high paced way, but I like it, I love it, and I saw what I wanted to see, did what I wanted to do. And maybe the most crazy thing was passing by Baguio, in the middle of the night, just making a very short stop at the bus station, to change vehicle, from van to bus. And the reason to pass by Baguio was also weird, but it was my decision, even though it was kind of related to what other people think, as I wanted to be able to say I had been to Baguio. And as I had not passed by Baguio this trip I decided to just pass by Baguio on the way back, making quite some detour costing me quite some hours, probably even six or eight, which is quite a lot, especially in the middle of the night with nothing much to see.

And it is strange how things come to me, how the Universe is responding to me, helping me lately. And yes, it is all about me, I am the one who changed, not the Universe. It appears I am more open to listen to signals, hints, given to me in all kinds of ways. And I am asking more things, trusting people more, learning to trust. And that is a big thing to me, as it seems I never really trusted anybody, saw everybody as my enemy, which of course in general is not the case, or maybe never.

Arrival with van in Banaue.
Arrival in Banaue

The great thing during my travel from Laoag to Laguna was that I arrived in Banaue around 1 pm and found that the next option to continue to Baguio was at 5.30 pm. And at first I was annoyed, as I just wanted to continue as I wanted to reach Manila somewhere in the evening, but then I realized the Universe gave me the option to explore Banaue for a few hours, something that exactly matches what I like to do, how I like to explore a place like Banaue. So I roamed around for a few hours, saw everything I wanted to see, had lunch, and finally returned to the van and waited there for a while, having some nice conversations with the driver, some passengers and some other people around. So I got more than I expected, and even more later, as I realized I did not need to, want to go to Manila anymore, as there was nothing there for me that day. So I just continued to my next stop, my next destination, a friend in Laguna, where I arrived around ten in the morning, a perfect time to arrive, having skipped an overnight stay in Manila, saving me a lot of hassle and the cost for an overnight stay.


And I feel like writing more now, but also this will be an unfinished post for now, as I want to do something else.

To be continued…

Absurdity and suicide

“There is but one truly serious philosophical problem and that is suicide. Judging whether life is or is not worth living amounts to answering the fundamental question of philosophy”. This is the beginning of the book “The Myth of Sysiphus” written by Albert Camus.

And I was pointed to it by the start of another book, “The Fabric of the Cosmos” by Brian Greene. I read that book a lot, but I never realized or remembered how it started.

And I don’t feel like writing right now, but I was caught by the phrase “judging whether life is or is not worth living”. As that seems to be the main thing I am struggling with. As life is not worth living to me, at least that is what I have been thinking for a long time, but somehow I am still alive, so apparently life is worth living looking at my actions; or non-action like not having killed myself until now.

Better to reach or receive

For quite a while I have the feeling to start writing here again, or just write maybe once. And I already started with that a bit, but somehow I want to go back to the regular writing, but it seems it is still not the time for that.

But today I want to share something important, which was triggered with some changes in my Desire Document. And don’t get me wrong, I never made substantial changes in my Desire Document, even though in the end I may do that. But as time passes I am learning new things, have learned to look at things different, and that made me rephrase some things in my Desire Document as that just ‘felt‘ better.

So today I was sharing part of my Desire Document with someone, and I realized there was still something like ‘achieving goals’, and recently my believe changed in the way that I believe that we as human beings cannot ‘achieve things’, ‘achieve goals’. Somehow these things are given to us. As without God or Infinite Intelligence or whatever Higher Power you believe in, agrees with things happening, things won’t happen. And I started believing that based on the idea of Higher Power in Twelve Step programs and it seemed fully contrary to all self help stuff and even contrary to everything written in Think and Grow Rich. But to my amazement starting to read Think and Grow Rich again after I had put it away for a while because it was just ‘too much’ for me to handle, I saw Napoleon Hill states exactly the same thing: that without invoking Infinite Intelligence nothing will really happen. And I guess that is the secret he is talking about in many places in the book, at least for me, as you may read and interpret the book different than I did.

So I was triggered by something like achieving a goal. And with my current beliefs I cannot ‘achieve’ a goal, cannot achieve anything without some Higher Power helping me or doing it for me. And no, I don’t know how that works and why it is like that as I am only human and cannot understand how the world works. But as Napoleon Hill also states, things happen according to the laws of the universe and this seems to be one of them, that without any help or approval of the Higher Power of The Universe nothing happens.

So I am starting to change things like ‘achieve‘ into ‘receive‘ or reach and things like ‘goal‘ into ‘desire‘. As I can’t do it alone.

And I am starting to agree with Napoleon Hill and what I find in many other places: that you can’t get to the point where I am right now in an easy way, like by just reading this article. You have to (oh, how I hate this phrase ‘have to’) do the work. But indeed, it is not hard work, it is more like searching for the spiritual. And looking back it also doesn’t feel like ‘have to’.

Dates in Desire Documents

A few days ago my Desire Document came back to me. And of course it did not walk to me or something, but I retrieved it from the pile of stuff that I had put in my prayer area, the stuff I didn’t know how to deal with anymore a while ago and gave to God, or The Universe, or whatever. And it has been there for a while and a few weeks ago even a disaster happened, as the dogs were put in that area as there was an event in the house and they had peed nearby and the pee had seeped into my pile of stuff, my pile of papers. And it upset me a bit, but I had not protected it and somehow decided to interpret that as some message of The Universe, so I didn’t really worry about it, although I was worried the papers to be smelly or something.

So a few days ago I felt like getting my Desire Document document back and start reading it regularly, which I did. And it was not smelly, just a bit dirty. And of course I could print a new version, but I didn’t as that was not really needed, didn’t feel right. And I had read it once or twice a few weeks or months ago, but at that time I put it back as it wasn’t the time to start reading it regularly. And the strange thing is and was that my Desire Document somehow is still valid. Especially the starting sentence I know by heart is just what I want, it’s just me. And also the rest of the document is still ‘me’ is still what I want, what I really want in life. And even though there are some paragraphs that don’t fully make sense or feel like needing some kind of change, the whole document is still basically as it was when I first made it and still feels like kind of being or becoming my life, as especially the last few months, the last year, one of the things stated in it is becoming true, where before I didn’t know what that statement exactly meant or how to achieve it as it appeared impossible, similar to most of the rest of the things I have written in it. But it is amazing how much this document, which is about one page A4-size paper long represents what I want in life and how to achieve it.

The main issue with it right now I don’t know what to do with are the dates related to my goals, as most of the dates have passed without the goal being achieved at the moment. And I found some ways around that by rephrasing some stuff and moving some dates, but it seems that is not the solution, at least the version of the document I found, that was in the prayer area, has some old dates which I changed a while ago, but it didn’t really make any difference to the whole document.

So I still don’t know how to deal with the dates in the document that have passed. And according to the ideas of Napoleon Hill it just means I have been defeated, it doesn’t mean I have failed, as I am not dead and all goals are still valid goals, technically achievable goals, even though some appear to have become impossible again after I made quite some progress with them.

And one of the options is to leave the dates and make some sentence around them and rephrasing them into new dates with related goals, but I don’t want to make the document longer. Actually it is already longer than I want. And I don’t really want to change it either and I also know that is kind of impossible, as the moment I made changes the document didn’t feel right anymore, similar to the phrase about what I am willing to give, a phrase I kind of regret as I stated it in a way of willing to give too much, looking back. And I made a small change long time ago to deal with that, but still, I can’t change the original ‘willing to give’ as I feel like I made the deal already with the first final version of the document.

So be careful when making a Desire Document about what you are willing to give, as I guess similar to me if you really want something you are willing to give anything or almost anything. And once stated it is done, the Universe will just take that as a truth and act accordingly.

So what about the dates? I am not sure yet, but one of these days I will just review the document and make some changes and read it again and see if I can get the right feel again with the changes. As I will just know, my subconscious mind will just know.