A simple question today, as I have answered it pretty confident several times when doing this exercise of self analysis: “Are you gaining or losing self-confidence as you grow older?”. As especially the last few years I have the feeling my self-confidence has increased in an enormous way. So end of story, the answer is just ‘yes’?
Well, not quite I guess, as yesterday or a few days ago I wrote about people I dread to see, mainly because I feel very embarrassed. And I think that has never happened before, as I never felt so vulnerable about my (financial) situation. So yes, I am avoiding people, those people recently, so in that respect my self-confidence has decreased, decreased a lot.
So where before I felt quite self-confident, like going anywhere, contacting anyone, and I still have that, recently there are some people I avoid, people I owe things and can’t pay back and people I feel embarrassed being such a failure (in life).
So something to ponder about a bit more I guess, as this feels very strange. And I know I am hurting one person a lot with this, as he kind of told me that. And the other person must feel something as I am kind of avoiding her.
And yes, I still try to be friends with everybody, on good terms with everybody, which they say is not good or cannot be done or is kind of impossible. But there is some more to this, and yes, it is all about me and not healthy.