Tag Archives: Strange

Self analysis, question 12

A simple question today, as I have answered it pretty confident several times when doing this exercise of self analysis: “Are you gaining or losing self-confidence as you grow older?”. As especially the last few years I have the feeling my self-confidence has increased in an enormous way. So end of story, the answer is just ‘yes’?

Well, not quite I guess, as yesterday or a few days ago I wrote about people I dread to see, mainly because I feel very embarrassed. And I think that has never happened before, as I never felt so vulnerable about my (financial) situation. So yes, I am avoiding people, those people recently, so in that respect my self-confidence has decreased, decreased a lot.

So where before I felt quite self-confident, like going anywhere, contacting anyone, and I still have that, recently there are some people I avoid, people I owe things and can’t pay back and people I feel embarrassed being such a failure (in life).

So something to ponder about a bit more I guess, as this feels very strange. And I know I am hurting one person a lot with this, as he kind of told me that. And the other person must feel something as I am kind of avoiding her.

And yes, I still try to be friends with everybody, on good terms with everybody, which they say is not good or cannot be done or is kind of impossible. But there is some more to this, and yes, it is all about me and not healthy.


It is strange what has been happening the last week or so as somehow it seems something has changed, really changed. You may remember the post from last week or so that I saw myself on the other side of the stream, flowing to success, to riches, instead of poverty, that I had (have?) been able to move to the other side. And that was scary, as it felt so fast and there was nobody there, just me.

And I don’t have that image so much in my mind, but somehow in my real life also things changed, as some people are responding to me now, helping me now, where that never happened before. And just now, fifteen minutes ago also something strange happened, as a client on oDesk had filed a dispute and I expected an e-mail related to this dispute that the client was right and that I would not be paid for my efforts. And to my amazement the message was that the client was not eligible for a refund, so that I was right, not the client. And this was even the message I had been scared of for a few hours, made me hesitant to open my e-mail.

So a lot of positive, but yesterday I again missed my daily Inspiration for Success things within a week, which is very, very uncommon. And there was not even a good reason for it, as I just had visitors and had some fun time with them, which made time fly, so it as around six am this morning that I went to bed, where I had earlier decided that it was no use to fit my daily tasks in.

So a lot going on here and indeed, I am starting to see more and more how fear affects many, many things in a very negative way and that reality can sometimes (or often) turns out positive instead of negative, instead of the thing we are afraid of.

So exciting times and I hope that this will lead to (more) success, so this blog would finally get value, describing someone going from the deepest downs towards success.