Yesterday something happened that completely put me out of balance. And the event itself was not even that major from an objective point of view, but it triggered my injustice feeling, my feeling that I feel so helpless when I bump into the policies and procedures of an organization when I just need to talk to someone to find a solution for problem I have and need help with (from this organization).

And this type of thing happens to me quite often (recently?) and the result is that I feel completely devastated, feel ‘bad’ and can’t find any way around this feeling except, well waiting until it has passed away, often reading stuff from self help books or the internet. Or writing, doing some exercises like segment intending, which I just did.

The problem I encounter is that I kind of lose half or a whole (working) day, which, also to my feeling, just makes things worse, which will make me feel guilty or something and in the end will make me even worse and will paralyze me even more.

So my biggest weakness seems to be, at least to the things stated in Think and Grow Rich, which I started re-reading today while in this situation, this feeling, that I can’t control my, well, emotions? So some kind of complete lack of self control. And some kind of self destructive behavior, as this kind of behavior, from an objective point of view, just makes things worse.

But while writing this I’m starting to doubt if it’s all that destructive. And while thinking now I may want to analyze what is really going on in this type of situation, what was really going on yesterday and today.

And wow, this is really hard, writing on now. As over all I’m still in a very bad situation, at least financially. And the issue yesterday affected that, at least in my thinking, to an even worse situation. And I knew ‘something’ was coming, but after the trigger last weekend to make a phone call, I was actually happy and prepared myself for a phone call that would lead to a solution that would be best for both parties. At least in my opinion.

Anyhow, the conversation didn’t go as planned and I found myself and the other person caught in some kind of deadlock, which made me say something that triggered a very bad action (for me) from the other side. So the whole thing went nowhere, leaving me in even more trouble than I was before, while I had expected an open conversation about how to solve this problem. But I was only offered one solution (and also realize now that I also only had one solution in mind). And that solution was impossible for me to comply with, at least that’s what I thought at that moment.

But yes, here I am at the core of what I think should be changed in large organizations with people just implementing policies and procedures, where the customer has nowhere to go. And those things feel to me like talking to a book, talking to a written policy, talking to ‘the law’. And that’s where I get turned off completely. As I thought I was the customer, where apparently I’m not, or at least don’t feel like it.

So what’s going on there? I had some expectation, some hope and the thing I expected, the thing I hoped for didn’t happen. And as it has, at least in my thinking, a big impact on my life, I go into stress mode and that stress mode paralyzes me for about a day or so.

And I have to stop now, as this is not working. I have to stop.

Will  continue later.

So it happened again. I suddenly panicked and just needed to stop. And I know about ‘will power’ and ‘self control’ and such, but somehow my feeling is so strong that I just need to stop. Or at least I did.

And here it gets confusing again, because am I unique in this? Or a minority? Or a majority? And if so, what then? And whatever the answer to that question, should I change it, can I change it? Is it as bad as it feels and is it indeed something I ‘should’ change?

And if you are the same or recognize this, how can I contribute to dealing better with that feeling or how can I contribute to you being more ‘efficient’?

Or, while realizing what I just wrote, what’s the whole point with all of this?

Well, the whole point is of course that I want to feel happy and that maybe I want to be successful as I somehow still connect ‘being successful’ with ‘being happy’. And this feeling belongs in the category ‘unhappy’, or in the (my?) category ‘unwanted’.

But again, feelings are just feelings. Nothing bad with that? They’re just feelings and every human being has them. And I guess every human being likes ‘positive’ or ‘happy’ feelings and dislikes ‘negative’ or ‘bad’ feelings (unhappy feelings?).

So let’s see, as of now I feel ‘kind of bad’, kind of wanting to stop. And I don’t like the feeling. So maybe the goal is just to go from an ‘unlikable feeling’ to a ‘likable feeling’. And here comes in mind again the teachings of Abraham Hicks, as he states something like, no matter how you are feeling, no matter the situation, first go to a positive feeling and then go from there. As nothing positive comes out of a negative feeling, about a negative state of being.

And somehow deep inside I agree with that.

But then what’s the purpose of negative feelings and how to deal with them? And why would I want to ‘do’ something? Why would you, why would anybody want to ‘do’ something as that’s also what’s behind the whole thing? Don’t we just want to feel good? That’s all? And is any of our ‘doing’ not just to create positive or more positive feelings?

And let’s go further, because five minutes ago or so I was walking around a bit and that made me feel better. But somehow I also wanted to go back here, to the laptop to finish this post. And in the background I still just want to ‘fix my life’. And yes, that ‘fix my life’ is linked to ‘do things to fix my life’.

And is that indeed why we are here on earth, to ‘do’ things?

Well, I’m going around in circles it seems and I’m not sure how this post could be of any use to anybody else, except me now writing it which makes me feel a bit better and helps me organize my thoughts.

But yes, somehow I want, I believe, that this post should also benefit others, benefit you.

So what helped me now was:

• Writing things down, not only in this post.
• Doing some ‘segment intending’.
• Making some kind of plan, a very minimal plan, for the rest of the day.
• Working on finishing that plan, where one of the items was making this post.

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