Tag Archives: Progress

Power greater than myself

Last night I kind of hit bottom as I really didn’t know anymore what to do or even why I am here. I feel so powerless and my life has become so unmanageable. I hardly do anything, especially in the morning as I just feel so weak, so powerless, so overwhelmed by that indescribable feeling. Or maybe empty indeed, the ‘hole in the soul’ type of feeling. And I keep thinking of the times where life was just normal, where I just worked, had a relationship, income, money, savings, a house, holidays, visits to friends and family. And it is all gone, it seems there is nothing but emptiness and drudgery, not even goals. So yes, I often think of just getting out, just killing myself, hanging myself. And I could (easily?) do now I guess, as two weeks ago I bought a long, pretty strong rope for one of my dog training sessions.

Power on my desk

And no, no friends to go to, or family, or whatever, as I know they also don’t have the answer. It is really up to me what to do with my life, or up to the will of my Higher Power.

And that is what I got last night, as it seems I finally kind of got to Step 2, came to believe a Power Greater than myself could restore me to sanity. As yes, I feel sick now. I never felt sick, but I really feel sick now, emotionally, spiritually sick. So last night was one of the first times I guess I really cried out loud my pain, my helplessness, my despair. It was the first time I think I really felt powerlessness as I think is meant in Step 1. And amazingly it gave room for something else, surrendering like that somehow opened a door to ‘coming to believe in a Power Greater than myself’. As I just can’t do it alone anymore, I just don’t know what to do anymore.

And I am not sure in what order things happened, but I was listening to Steps videos on YouTube, and heard a story about someone mentioning someone having a large rock in his garden as his Higher Power. And while kind of joking he replaced “Higher Power” with “rock” in the texts, and somehow that opened a door to me to a concept of a Higher Power that would work for me. As I could admit my shortcomings to a ‘rock’ or anything else, I could read my Step 4 work to a ‘rock’ or something, I could write a letter to a ‘rock’, as I realized I just needed something outside of me to address, something more powerful in some kind of way, like rocks are not easy to destroy, they are pretty stable and sound. I also remembered one day, long time ago, I tried to destroy plywood with a hammer as kind of a healing method, but I was stunned and disappointed how touch the plywood was, not easy to destroy, it would not even break. It was just tough. And believe me, I had a very big hammer.

So I started searching for some kind of Higher Power, a rock or stone or something else that is not easy to destroy, that is like iron or, indeed, rock. And I found some old piece of pipe and some small stones and also thought of the gold necklace I am wearing lately, but couldn’t really find something strong like a stone, like a rock. And the necklace is too vulnerable to me to represent the kind of Power I am looking for. So well, I took that old piece of steel water pipe with some rubber on it and put it on my desk, as that was the best I could find at that moment. And went to bed again and slept I think.

Power Greater Than Myself

So this morning I started searching for something ‘power’, like a stone or rock, or maybe the big Acacia tree in the garden, but nothing really seemed suitable. Until I saw a small stone/rock lying on a bigger rock, just on the top. And it felt just right for me, like a miracle, as how could such a small rock end up on top of this big rock. And later I realized someone could have just put it there, but that doesn’t really matter. It was just there and it caught my attention and it suits my purpose for now: something outside of myself that is ‘hard’, that is strong. And yes, I am starting to realize it doesn’t really matter what I choose as my Higher Power, as long as it suits the purpose of ‘Higher Power’. As yes, I was thinking a rock like this could be lost or broken or even pulverized or whatever. But that doesn’t matter, as I can always replace it, always find a new Higher Power, as long as I make a choice. And yes, that is what I wanted to add. It felt very important that I made a choice, that I just made ‘some choice’ for ‘some Higher Power’, right now, just for today, or this week, or this month, or this year, or yes, this lifetime, but that doesn’t seem to really matter now. The main decision to make was making a choice, which I did.

My goals and related planning

A better way to plan

I am still looking for a better way to plan. Or maybe for a better way to reach my goals. And that is why I started the page planning. And I want to keep that a page, but I just realized that you may want to comment on what I am writing. And my pages don’t allow for comments. So I decided to create a related post. This one. And this one will also help me do my daily planning. And think about my goals and set them, organize them.

And my main concern is that I don’t know how to reach my long term goals, especially making DoctorsConnect work. But I also have another concern and that is that I don’t plan my days properly, that I keep doing things without stopping, without relaxing and yes, without proper planning.

So I have the idea of doing something like daily planning and something like long term planning. And I am hesitant with something like daily goals, as I often have the feeling I don’t have time enough, that things take much more time than I expect (or plan).

And I have the idea that I need to split up DoctorsConnect in smaller goals, but until now I don’t really have any idea how to do that. Or actually I have, as I did make plans, but they didn’t work out until now. And Napoleon Hill states that that means that I need to create better plans, but I don’t know how to do that, as I believe I need people to help me with that. And that has just been my main problem: no people, no people helping me and no clients.

And last night and just now I am trapped again in doing something, continuing something without real planning. Maybe first thing is to just accept I am doing it, not being annoyed or angry with myself.

Goals and plans for January 10, 2017

So what did I actually plan for now or tonight? Well, let me just write it down:

  • Work at least one session of one hour on DoctorsConnect.
  • Cook my dinner and eat.
  • Do my daily SFI tasks.
  • Watch a movie or something.
  • And many more things…

And the last just doesn’t work it seems, as what I wrote is already a lot. Ah, I also wanted to work on the Bohol Plaza site. I just need to change a few things there, maybe one or two hours work, and I have been postponing that for weeks now I think. And I wanted to write down some agreements for a customer. And I want to call with a friend, something I also have been postponing for days now.

So everything I want just doesn’t fit in the time allocated for it it seems. So better relax with that is what I am learning.

Goals and plans for today, January 11, 2017

No goals set yet, but I want to start my day with weeding the grass, as that helps me going. Or yes, maybe that is still an escape. I found a way to limit that by doing it for a maximum of one hour, setting an alarm to help me stop my ‘do, do, do’.

And I want to work on the Bohol Plaza site as I was not able to do that yesterday. And yes, I also feel like doing it, so it is an okay thing to do today.

I also want to work at least one session of one hour on DoctorsConnect.

And I realize my goal for today, or maybe even for every day, is feeling satisfied with what I did today.

And I just realize I can also set an hour ‘to do just what I want’, without anything specific in mind. So I did. And right now I just want to share this LOL.

And I want to work on Bohol Plaza and DoctorsConnect, but I realized there are a lot of errands in my mind, like working on this page, doing some bank things, maybe clean a bit, and, well, many of those little things. So I decided to just reserve one hour for that right now, setting the alarm right now.

And just working in my usual chaotic way right now. But at least now it is planned, so I won’t be caught up in it for more than about an hour. And I know what to do next. And right now I am still thinking about making a list of all the things I want to do. But that kind of list scares me a bit, as working from a list like that didn’t work for me in the past. But maybe things have changed. Maybe I can just make a list without any goals or plans or whatever attached to it. So I won’t ‘ have to’  do it. It would just be a list.

My end of the day was not so good, kind of chaotic, up to now. I was not able to keep my one hour schedule, like creating new one hours during the evening. Maybe just be gentle with myself now and tell myself tomorrow is another day.

January 12, 2017

Today started pretty bad, as I woke up late, mainly because I could not sleep last night. And the day went chaotic (also), as I did not really make one hour plans, at least not at the beginning of my day. The reason for that was pretty obvious though, as I just had a meeting at 1.30 pm and did some errands before and after that.

When I got home I just went to the garden to do some Bermuda weeding, and yes, I did set the alarm for one hour to do that. After that one hour I wanted to finish some area and found a new way of extending my schedule: just set the alarm again for one hour, even for the same task, for the same thing I am/was doing.

Then it got dark and I didn’t feel like continuing, even though the hour had not passed. That made me decide to take a shower, so I kind of included that in the last one hour.

Right now I feel encouraged again with my ‘one hour at the time’ scheduling after feeling so discouraged last night. As usual I just need to realize that I need to be, and can be, gentle with myself, something I am not really good at, calling myself codependent. And yes, even now I set the alarm for one hour, just to keep forcing myself to stop regularly, relax regularly, as that is what I want to, probably even need to learn.

January 16, 2017

And as you may see above I was not really able to continue what I was doing, like setting hourly and daily plans and write about it, write it down here. I did make some progress though I think, as I am trying to be easier on myself if I don’t do the things I want to do or think I should do.

January 17, 2017

And yesterday and today ended fully different than I expected as there was very bad weather in Cagayan de Oro City, so I could not go to my meeting and decided to stay in the city until late last night, as there was probably no electricity in the house. And indeed there wasn’t as electricity came back only about an hour ago, around 8 pm in the evening, so my whole day was kind of lost related to work and anything one needs electricity for; and that is a lot.

So one can only plan so much, as one is not in control of the weather or even the electricity.

One month goal(s)

I decided to set some one month goal, as my trip in 2016 was one month and that went perfect. Not sure what that goal or those goals would be yet. And today is January 11, 2017, so I need to set some kind of goal for February 11, 2017.

Intermediate goal(s)

I just realized that my goal for the grass in the garden to be fully Bermuda grass is like in two years time, so let me set that at January 11, 2019.

Long term goals, definite purpose

And my long term goals are:

  • Restore my relationship, yes, in a better way. I have written down even how I want it.
  • Become rich through the ideas of Think and Grow Rich. And I believe now DoctorsConnect could be the way to that.

And the last two things are basically what I want, are basically what I made my definite purpose. If I manage that in the way I wrote it down in my Desire Document, together with some smaller things I want, but not really set as written down goals, my life has been a success.

So to do better planning, a way of planning that suits me, I have been thinking to make something like a goal for a month, like I did in my recent trip. As that one month thing seems to have worked very well for me. It was manageable in time and actions. So let’s go from there and see if I can define something for the common month to do; or to achieve?

And right now I really need to stop, as I feel trapped again in my ‘do, do, do’.

I can go back better prepared

Right now I am at Hanna’s Beach Resort and I want to go further north along the coast, but the weather is pretty bad, rainy and windy and I think I got my lesson about that about a weak ago in Boracay. So no, I will not push through, unless the weather really improved. And I see it just did, but it is probably still not wise to push throufg, as again, the same happened in Boracay.

Enough is enough.
This is where I decided to go back

This trip has been full of good and it seems now also full of learning experiences.

I just wanted to start writing to remember the moment.

To be finished later.

I feel like writing

I feel more and more like writing ever since I left The Malasag House, my home, about a week ago. And I wrote some in the notepad of my cellphone, but that was not easy as I only have a small smartphone and my notepad only allows 1,000 characters per note, which was not enough for the blog post I was writing earlier.

And don’t get me wrong, having a small smartphone is my choice, as I mainly wanted to use it as a phone. But now, while traveling, I am learning a smartphone is much more than a phone. Amazing, maybe not to you if you already have one, use one, for a long time. But I am not as they say an early adapter, so it took me a while to see the full potential of smartphones. Or I guess not really the full potential, as I guess there is much more possible than I see or experience now.

Ah, so much I want to write. And I just started to write here straight away, as I realized WordPress has good support for writing offline, a feature I am even using right now as my internet here in Blue Bamboo Hotel in Boracay has a very unstable internet connection. But it works, and I guess this text will just be kept in the browser until I have a connection again. And they just fixed it and internet seems to be pretty fast and stable now.

Also Boracay

So how did I get here? Well, that is what I wanted to write about, about my trip until now, a trip about self discovery. And at first I didn’t know what it was all about, as basically I just ran away from home, escaping my reality there, as I did not like it, but just felt responsible for the dogs and didn’t know where to go, as all my projects seem to have failed, and I know location. Is not the issue, or maybe it is, as being here now, in Boracay, having traveled quite a distance, I feel more at ease, more comfortable, more free.

And still using my smartphone to write. And not as easy as using a computer and keyboard, but it works. Actually amazing how technology evolved. Unimaginable what an enormous amount of technology is incorporated in this small device and everything that keeps it connected to the rest of the world; amazing.

To be continued…

What if

“What if it was a brand new day, the first day of my life, without any burdens of past history, no debts to be paid, no dogs to take care of”?

The last few days the above question came into my mind. And of course I can’t go back to that type of situation. Or can I?

I feel like I am standing at a crossroad, like staying here, in The Malasag House in The Philippines, or going elsewhere, start anew.

And I guess mainly my codependency makes that a hard question. As there are always the voices of others in my head, like what would “others” do, what would “others” think is the best thing to do?

And I am starting to learn that “others” can’t give me the answer. That I have to make decisions myself, that no one else can make my decisions for me.

And I hate this “I have to”, as that still brings the terrible “have to’s” from my dad, and at the same time from my God.

Do does life have “have to’s”? I am not fully sure (anymore). What if I didn’t have dogs but children? I could still go. There are many people leaving their children behind.

But it is just not me (I think), leaving the dogs behind. As I kind of feel responsible for them. But yes, I guess I could now, as I know they will survive without me, can be okay, can be happy without me. A difficult thing to write, but I know it is true. But maybe the question is if it is true for me.

Same with the house. I could leave it behind. But I invested so much in it, I made it so much “my house”. I suffered a lot by staying here.

Time to stop now, as I gave myself until 11 am to do something for myself. And it is about 11 am. Duty calls? But what duty? My self imposed duties for today? I don’t even feel like doing them, don’t feel like going out. So change my decision? Maybe. Maybe even better. But that is not according to the Principles of Success, changing decisions (fast). But I am not changing it fast, as I have been thinking about it all morning. And it just doesn’t feel good to go out, which is why I reserved until 11 am ‘for myself’.