I am very tense as somehow I avoid confrontation about what is going on here in the house. And yes, I am fighting some kind of guerrilla war as I guess at least part of the guests feels there is something going on that’s not right.
But my goal was that everybody should be happy and I am not happy and I am certainly part of everybody. And I have been asking myself what would make me happy and I couldn’t find the answer to that. And of course I tried to go back to the teachings of Abraham Hicks that say something that no matter what I should search for something that makes me happy. But yes, he also said that sometimes you can’t go to a happy place as you are too far from that place, too far from happiness.
And yes, I feel guilty, guilty of spoiling the party with my behavior. But how let the people know how hurt I am with what is going on, how this all came into being. A lot of people have been invited in my house without my approval. And some of them I don’t even want here. This is all organized without my participation. And yes, of course I have been informed. And somehow I was asked if I was okay with it. And basically I am, but it would all be so much nicer if we would have organized it together. And if the people would just contribute in the cost, as I was so happy the last few months finally enough money came in to at least pay the daily expenses. And now more than half our monthly budget goes to a large party where most of the participants have a larger income than we. Meaning we at least we can’t start paying our debts, but probably our borrowings go up again.
So yes, while writing this, why would I be happy. Well certainly not with the party, or actually how it was organized and how it is being paid for. A party I am basically no part of, as I was not even invited, a party where I just feel like being part of the furniture, nothing more, nothing less.
So what would make me happy? Well, not sure, as I wouldn’t want to force people to fund a party they were just invited for. And I wouldn’t want people to leave, as, no matter whether I like each of them or not. As each of them has his or her place. And I wouldn’t want them just to pay for it or something.
So what would I want?
What would you do?
And no, I don’t think this is not an inspiring post. But I guess I’m just in ‘that place’. Meaning far from inspiration.