Tag Archives: Asking

The love of God

I recently started a post A loving Higher Power. And maybe I better continue extending and improving that post, but somehow I wanted to start from scratch again as I am struggling so much with ‘Love’.

And today or yesterday the definition as given in The Matrix came back to my mind. It was said by, well, I forgot the name, but I will put later. The guy from the Machine World that Neo meets in the railway station. Found it: Rama Kandra.

Ah, and I feel so restless, not really in the mood of writing. But I also know writing is good for me. And so many things to do…

And it is a few days after I started this post now. And I just had a phone call with my mom in which she told me what she put on the grave of my dad: “God is love”. Not sure why she mentioned it and she did not know why she put it. She said it just came to here to put that.

And that brings me back to writing here, as this page is exactly about that. And I guess it cannot be coincidence that she mentioned it, even though I mentioned to her about my struggle with ‘love’ in relation to God, in relation to Higher Power.

And I thought I put a link to ‘Love’ as written about in Wikipedia, but apparently I didn’t. Or I did somewhere else. And this may be an important paragraph about it in Wikipedia:

Ancient Greek philosophers identified four forms of love: essentially, familial love (in Greekstorge), friendly love (philia), romantic love (eros), and divine love (agape). Modern authors have distinguished further varieties of love: infatuated loveself-love, and courtly love. Non-Western traditions have also distinguished variants or symbioses of these states. Love has additional religious or spiritual meaning. This diversity of uses and meanings combined with the complexity of the feelings involved makes love unusually difficult to consistently define, compared to other emotional states.

And I remember the word agape mentioned related to the love of God, I think from a religious meeting or attending church. Not much in the article worth copying here though at first sight, so I guess I have to write myself a bit more and/or do some more research.

And I am pretty tired and still kind of upset, as today it was confirmed Iwa, one of my dogs, has a tumor that needs to be treated. And unfortunately the vet is on holiday for two weeks, so I feel pretty stressed and confused, as I am thinking of cancer spreading. And I would like, love(?!) Iwa to stay quite a bit longer, as she is not that old yet.

So yes, I feel like stopping now, need some rest. And yes, I will try to pray, hoping God will cure Iwa. Not easy believing in a loving God with things like this, like sickness and possible death from that.


Unexpected Baguio

So I wanted to travel the unusual road and I did. And more and more miracles seem to come my way as I ended up in the weirdest place I could have ever imagined. And I probably won’t even see Baguio City itself as I just figured out it would take too much time to pass by there from here

Domog Village Inn Bistro and Café.
Domog Village Inn Bistro and Café

So where is here? Here is Domog Village Inn Bistro and Café, an establishment just outside Bauko on the road to Bontoc. And why weird? Well, life seems to stop here at six pm. And I did not really know what to expect, but not a place and a road so quiet as this, especially not on an area I considered a tourist area.

Bauko to Bontoc road.
The road that is quiet after 6 pm

And again kind of a placeholder to be continued, but I want to catch the moment.


So the last few weeks I fully crashed, I hardly didn’t do anything anymore, despite all the nice stuff I know from Napoleon Hill and all those other ‘self help’ people and guides. And that includes sending the daily inspirational quote and writing here. And doing work. And many other things. So it seems there are limitations to what I can do, what a human being can do. And no willpower often can get me out of bed, as I am pretty sure I am suffering from depression. What kind of gets me out of it, got me out of it, was this article: get out of depression, or at least some of the suggestions, like moving a bit, walking a bit. And the main sentence that helped and helps me is “you can’t just will yourself to ‘snap out of it’, but you do have some control”. And that is fully contrary to the statement of Napoleon Hill to use willpower getting things done.

So what was the reason for crashing? Well, I guess the feeling that nothing is coming back, that nothing seems to work, no matter what I do. Like I have written a lot of stuff here in this site and it seems there is nothing coming back, no serious comments or even an e-mail every now and then, whether positive or negative. And I have been sending daily quotes for more than two years, now, every day, except Sunday. And I only got maybe five or ten e-mails from people who liked a certain quote.

And I read everywhere that success starts with giving, but it seems there are limits to that, as in the end you can’t just keep on giving without getting anything in return.

And I know that persistence in the end works, will work, but right now, and for quite a while already, I had the feeling there is not enough coming back.

And I know it is the same with other bloggers, and probably the same with many things, like writing a book, where you first have to fully finish the book and get it published before anything ‘comes back’.

Ah, end yes, I know one of my main issues is something like ‘choosing the wrong mate’. And not having a proper social structure to work from, not having enough friends or not having the right friends.

And I am working on all of that and slowly, very slowly things seem to start moving again, like just now I decided to write something here.

That is maybe the hardest part, knowing what ‘can be’ and not fully knowing how to get there, losing hope, losing everything on the way and kind of stopping, giving up.

But I guess I didn’t give up, as I am writing here again. And I decided to do a little work today. And lately I got some more friends, a better support structure.

Self analysis, question 53

Today’s question, “When others offer you free, unsolicited advice, do you accept it without question, or analyze their motive?, is something that is often in my mind. And right now I am thinking of some advice, or actually help, that someone offered me yesterday. And it was not fully unsolicited, but I didn’t like the advice as it was not an answer to the help I asked for.

So yes, often, or maybe always, advice or opinions given are probably more in the interest of the person giving the advice or help than the one asking for it or needing it.

And I guess I am more vulnerable to advice and opinion than I think, so I will think more about the reasons behind advice or opinions given.

Learning from mistakes

UllaToday was a very emotional day for me, as one of our dogs was (and is) very sick and I was quite affected with it and didn’t know what to do. And there is quite some history to this, as quite some years ago I was confronted with a very sick also and I felt wrongly advised by the vet, resulting in a dead dog, a dead puppy of maybe 2 or 3 months old. And I was very angry with the vet, as they hadn’t advised me properly, and if they would have, the dog might not have died.

So I saw myself confronted with another dog with a similar problem, not being able to keep any food or fluids in her stomach, which was the same problem the other dog had, and not really knowing what other vet to go to, as somehow this is still ‘our’ vet and probably still the best known vet in Cagayan de Oro City.

And I don’t have any money and we don’t have a car, so it’s a lot of hassle to bring a sick Rottweiler to a vet. And she really looked sick and she is already something like ten years old, so last night I kind of gave up on her already and was wondering if I would see her alive this morning. But she was still alive tonight and even moved to another place a few meters away while she could hardly walk and she looked pretty okay this morning (see photo). And she still tried to eat, although she didn’t want to drink anymore, but it was very frustrating to see that it all came out again. Somehow here digestive system couldn’t process it anymore.

So this morning I felt pretty bad and didn’t know what to do and I had no feeling whatsoever of Infinite Intelligence or God or a hunch or whatever one might look for when one is lost, so I just waited and lie a bit on the couch and just checked on the dog again and again not knowing what to do, basically waiting for her to die.

And yes, I was kind of sending prayers out to God or The Universe or whatever to give me some answer, as I really didn’t know what to do and had no feeling about it. And no, no  answer came.

Until, somehow I posted a message in Facebook (with above photo) sharing my feeling of being lost an confused, not expecting anything.

And then, somehow my prayer was answered. As when I checked later I saw the post got quite some comments, some of them urging me to go to a vet NOW. And I didn’t get the answer fully yet, as I asked for help, help that didn’t really come in the form of someone offering to bring me to the vet in his or her car.

And then, somehow I went to Ulla and saw her eat the baby food we gave her again and again, trying to somehow keep it inside, which she didn’t manage. And then I knew it was time to move, indeed get a taxi and just bring her to the vet to figure out what was wrong with her, as somehow she hadn’t given up on herself, where I was not sure whether to give up or not.

And looking back it was indeed some inspired answer, something Infinite Intelligence, as I just knew what to do and that it was the right thing. And indeed, as indicated in Law of Attraction stuff, somehow things started to move by themselves. I informed the vet she didn’t need to come to the house anymore, which I had requested before, but what didn’t happen. And apparently for a reason, as looking back I would have needed to go down to the city anyhow. And a taxi was quickly found and soon we were on the way to the vet. And the vet just did her job and analyzed what was going on and sent us out for x-rays (strange, didn’t know that was also done with dogs). And everybody was just helpful and tried to figure out what was (and maybe still is) wrong with her. And I also knew I had to leave her behind, something I kind of dreaded, as with the other dog the next day I just had to pick up a dead dog and had to pay a pretty large bill.

And it was relatively easy to do all those things and to trust all those people and Ulla also seemed to know, as even on the x-ray table she wiggled her tail and seemed pretty okay. And it was strange to see and know that the helper of the vet still knows Ulla and he just joined us to the x-ray venue and carried Ulla on his own (as I try to avoid carrying because of my back injury and our helper that I asked to join seemed not needed for carrying her).

And the hardest part, leaving Ulla behind, as I wanted her to be on IV, wasn’t as hard as I expected and Ulla seemed pretty okay in the cage alone with the other dogs. And no, of course this may not end good like her having a real big problem with her intestines, or she may just die tonight. But the last I doubt as she is looked in pretty good shape and alive, especially after receiving the IV fluids, contrary to the other dog, but everything just felt right.

And this all made me think of learning from mistakes, one of the self analysis questions, and I think I learned a lot, even though I thought I was making the same mistake again. But I didn’t, as this time I didn’t wait so long before taking charge. And I shared with other people what was going on. And I took responsibility for all the decisions I made (and didn’t and probably won’t blame the vet for anything).

So of course I don’t know if Ulla is going to be okay again, I mean she is getting old and she is still pretty sick and weak. But I doubt she is going to die in the clinic as she looked quite okay when I left and I am determined that if she is going to die she will die at home.