Tag Archives: Sharing

From blame to healing

I just realized that I have gone from blame to healing. Instead of blaming everything and everyone I am now listening to meditation tapes and it seems they have indeed changed my mindset, my attitude into a more positive one, like looking for healing within me, looking for the wounds inside and trying to find healing for them.

Healing

Just wanted to share this. Not sure what else to write now.

So change is possible.

Bitcoin

Bitcoin

I recently decided to do something with Bitcoin and I thought it might be a good idea to share my experiences here. And many things in my mind now, as I can’t exactly remember why I wanted to start with Bitcoin and while writing here now I realized quite some people must have made quite some money with Bitcoin as the rate has shot up exponentially the last years. And yes, while I started, a few weeks ago, the rate was pretty unstable and (had) dropped quite a bit, as far as I know because China closed down Bitcoin exchanges, but I still believe Bitcoin has a future, even though I don’t fully get the (technical) concept yet.

Bitcoin wallet

Well, I understood I needed a Bitcoin wallet, so I searched a bit and found Bitcoin Core, so I decided to install that on my computer. Kind of a mistake, as Bitcoin Core seems to be part of the Bitcoin network that maintains the transactions, so it started downloading more than 100 Gb of data (and that is still not finished). And I can’t use my Bitcoin wallet until the download is complete, so I was not able to get Bitcoin yet with that.


Slow progress with Bitcoin Core

Anyhow, I normally don’t give up easily if I want something so I started looking for other ways to get Bitcoin, which was much harder than I thought, as I needed to sign up to some site that would exchange Euro or USD for Bitcoin. And being a Dutch citizen living in The Philippines it took me a few sites I found in Google I was able to sign up for. And again, I ended up with something I did not really want, namely the Kraken Bitcoin Exchange, which is more of a currency trading account than a way to just buy Bitcoin. Like I found the charge to get my Euro back would be USD 60.00 or more, which does not make sense as I just put EUR 100.00 in the account to buy Bitcoin.

What do I want?

Frustration

I am mainly frustrated because I don’t have, or think I don’t have what I want. Or maybe I am mainly frustrated because I don’t know how to get what I want. But I think I never really wrote down what I want in a tangible way. Like mostly I say something like “I want my old life back, but in a better, more healthy way”, but I never really specified that I think. And with “my old life” I mainly mean the life Lee and I had together from 2003 to 2010 or so. But I also mean part of the life I had before, when I traveled the world together with Nico. As yes, that was fantastic, even though there was an underlying problem in our relationship most of the time. And the same was true in the time I was with Lee. I was happy and in love and we had a good life, but some things were wrong, very wrong I know now. And I guess it was the same or a similar thing going on. And I guess it goes back to codependency and to not loving myself and not having a spiritual foundation I could build from. And as I have been working very hard on the last I may be much closer to what I want than I think, even though it does not feel that way. Actually I feel worse than ever in my life before, even though I had a very bad time when I was a student, also being very depressed and suicidal. I remember driving on myYamaha XZ550S Yamaha XZ550S and thinking with almost every truck I encountered whether I would drive into it or not. Well, somehow I didn’t, and I still don’t know why, as it would have been so easy.

Fantastic

And thinking of that bike, riding it was really fantastic. It was the best thing I ever did and I still miss it. And amazing I did not kill myself with it at the time, as I was young and could drive pretty fast most of the time on ordinary roads in The Netherlands, like 150 km/h, yes, really, 150 km/h on average country roads.

And yes, I consider myself a safe driver, not really taking risks, but 150 km/h on country roads, even good roads, is pretty fast, way too fast looking back, but I did it, and I never had an accident at the time. And I guess that is amazing, looking how much I used that bike as it was also my daily means of transportation, going anywhere I wanted and needed to go.

And I realize now that at the time nobody really knew me, how I enjoyed that bike and also how fast I drove and such. I guess at the time I was also already pretty alone, pretty lonely, very lonely.

But that is a sideline, although it brings me back to what I want, and also to thinking about how it all happened, why went down the drain so far and so deep.

Finance, money

As at the time I was very lonely and was already looking for a lover and partner I could not find. But what I had was safety, basically in the form of money. And some kind of outlook to the future as I was studying at the highest level University in The Netherlands and was supposed to get a good job after I was finished. And yes, maybe I was spoiled, getting Dfl. 1,000.00 per month as study allowance from my dad. And I got Dfl. 10,000.00 savings on my 18th birthday or something. Or my 21st , I don’t remember.

So that is what I want, feel financially safe again, as at the time I felt financially safe. Every month Dfl. 1,000.00 was deposited in my account and I had a few thousand guilders as savings. As right now I feel completely unsafe financially, as I don’t have enough money coming in on a monthly basis to sustain my current lifestyle. And my current lifestyle may be still pretty high, but it does not feel like extraordinary, especially not related to how I lived before, until 2001 or so.

And strange, writing this, as it seems financial security is the most important thing for me in life. As yes, I used to want a regular sex life, preferably, or actually only, through having a lifetime lover and partner, but I am pretty sure the last can be found if I am financially secure, if I feel financially secure. As, and I never realized this before, money CAN buy some kind of safety, some kind of security, some kind of feeling secure and safe. And I still believe if I would have been able to earn enough, pull of Active Discovery Designs in a way it would earn enough money to sustain our lifestyle, Lee would still be with me, would not have left me. Shortage of money, financial insecurity, seems to be a very bad thing, at least for me.

The good life

So what does “the good life” mean to me? Or what did it mean to me before and what would I want to get back or what do I want to retain? And what would I like to be changed, what would I like to be better?

Well, let me try to make a list:

  • With Nico we often went out during weekends, mostly on initiative of Nico, some things I did on my initiative. And strange, looking back, I mostly, or virtually always joined Nico in his quests, in his hobbies, but he hardly joined mine. Or is that not true?
  • With NIco, and also before, I had at least one large holiday per year, four weeks going some place far away, yes, as a tourist.
  • With Nico I often went away for a weekend, to Berlin, or Paris, or some other place. Mostly camping, sometimes in hotels.
  • With Nico I mostly had at least one extra week of holiday, going to Greece or something, but I also remember Portugal. And sometimes also just by car, to Eastern Germany or something.
  • With Nico I often went out to good restaurants, like at least once a month, have a good night out having a very nice dinner. I miss that so much. Ah, and yes, Nico still does that. So weird he can and I can’t anymore. And I know with Lee that didn’t really work the same way, but still.
  • With Nico there was enough money, so we could buy basically anything we wanted, especially food and such, but we also had nice furniture and things like that. And cars of course, each one car.
  • With Lee I often went to the beach, yes, with the dogs, or with friends. I miss that so much, would like to do that again.
  • With Lee I often went to Davao, visit family, or make other trips, yes, by car.
  • We often went to the land in Salumay and made plans, worked there, had plans for the future there.
  • We mostly held hands while driving. I love that feeling of being together, of being lovers. I miss that so much.
  • With Lee as well as with Nico I really felt like being a couple. That feels so good to me.
  • I would want the life at The Malasag House like before, when I was just working and Lee taking care of the house and guests and the garden, and inviting friends and guests.

What would I like to change, what would I want to be better? Well, this I guess:

  • I would want to have a private sex life, just the two of us enjoying sex, enjoying making love, not the crazy sauna things and other things Nico and I did to escape our terrible difference in how to deal with sex. And not the things I did and still do when I feel Lee is not close to me, when he is not my lover. Or when he just (still) rejects me.
  • I would like to be more like friends with my partner, just being able to talk about anything, discuss anything, without any fear. I guess I could combine that now with being lovers. That would be so great, being friends and partners and lovers at the same time. Who wouldn’t want that?
  • I would not want to have that terrible feeling as I had when we had the Landcruiser, like something was terribly wrong. And various things were very wrong related to that.
  • I wouldn’t want Lee to just leave, like what he did when he bought his property in Siargao. I want to stay together, do things together. Strangely enough I would want to be able to travel alone for my business, going around the world when I am rich and famous.
  • Find a way to also have my own friends at The Malasag House, independent from Lee.

Ah, and my codependent treats come out so well making above list, as I often want to write ‘we’ instead of ‘I’, for things I did.

Summary

So what do I want, summarizing the above? Well, this I guess:

  • Financial security.
  • Some future outlook.
  • “The good life”, like before, but then without the catch.

Love is blind?

I am more and more amazed with the power of sex; or of romantic love; or love; or whatever one may call it. Or is it something else?

I find myself more and more in an impossible situation, or not really impossible, but a situation I could have never imagined before, when I was a child. It seems that many things I was told about life when I was a child were a lie, or at least not true. And yes, I guess my parents and other teachers didn’t know better. They could not have taught me things they did not know. And how could they have known?

And I guess many things they did not really teach me. Many things I believed came from my own imagination. Or from what I read or knew or heard of.

And no, I don’t like where I stand now. And yes, it seems I still blame it on my past, on others, on God, on whatever. Or yes, on the person I love, the person I love most. And it is not true a human being can just ‘move on’. As I have a big loan to pay and I have no clue how I would do that; or even agree to the new, very fair, agreement that is in the making. How can I make commitments on things I don’t know, on things I can’t control?

Yes, I believed in love, and somehow I guess I still do. But it seems indeed love is blind, stupid. How can that be, as to me love is still sweet and nice and pleasant and a good thing. But no, it appears not to be, at least not the romantic love I believed in.

So what is this thing I used to call love? Just lust, just sex, just sexual need, just instinct? And why is it so bad, why did it have such a bad outcome for me, at least the last few years and as of this moment? And how would I make up? And how would I control my sexual urges, my sexual needs? Just suppress them? But that just seems to create more unmanageability. Or indeed, try to remove them through castration or something? Yes, that is how far I have come now, even somehow considering something like that, although not really seriously, as that seems to only kind of sure way to take away sexual feelings.

But then what, what is the world, what is life without romantic love? To me a day without romantic love, yes without making love or something, a day without sleeping together, yes, preferably with my lover and partner, something I don’t have and somehow don’t want anymore? What is a day without that?

Or is it still all about the emptiness, the spiritual emptiness I am trying to fill and that cannot be filled without believing in some kind of loving God or loving Higher Power? Or about loving myself, but isn’t that the same thing? I often wonder if it would not be hard for (a) God to love Himself, as He would also need to live with the consequences of his choices, like the suffering that is probably the result of giving man ‘free will’.

Thank You for the pain

Hi, I am Guus and I am codependent.

I was reading a document called Boundaries for Codependents. And I recognized an awful lot of my struggle, of my behavior, or whatever, in it.

And I have been bothered by emotional pain for a long time, and the last months, years, it seemed to get stronger, seemed to get worse. And I did not understand, as I was working so hard in the program of Codependents Anonymous and, after admitting I am depressed, very depressed, even decided to look for professional help, counseling, something I abhorred after kind of having decided quite a while ago to never ever see a psychologist again.

But somehow I must have made the right decision as my counselor sent me this document yesterday, and the document made perfect sense to me.

And while reading I suddenly realized that my body was, and probably is or will, telling me something by increasing the pain level I felt or will probably still feel. As there is definitely something wrong with me, definitely something, or actually a lot, that is wrong in my life that needs to be dealt with.

And while reading the document, that is about something like distorted reactions or feelings or emotions in ‘normal’ situations, it suddenly occurred to me that this pain, this intense, terrible, emotional pain, was just a signal, my body telling me there is something wrong that needs to be dealt with. Nothing more, nothing less.

Listen

So suddenly the pain was not something I just wanted to go away. Suddenly it became a warning signal, an alarm that tried to get my attention by getting slowly stronger and stronger, until I got the message.

As the message seems to be important.

And yes, the pain still lures in the background. And I am scared of it. But the weird thing was that after I acknowledged the warning and decided to do something, like deciding to write this post, this article, the pain suddenly went away. As I just acknowledged it, instead of trying to push it away.

So yes, today I can be grateful for that pain, that slowly increasing, terror like feeling pain. As it was and is just my body telling me there was, and is, something terribly wrong. And looking back the process has been even gentle, as the pain just gradually increased, trying to get noticed, until it got the attention it needed. So the Universe is gentle, can be gentle. We just need to listen.