It was not really easy to skip my posts and the sending of my daily quote and the update of my gratitude diary yesterday. Or maybe it was, as I just did it, especially keeping myself from sending the daily quote yesterday, which I could have relatively easily done. And behind it is still fear I think, fear of letting go of the routine of ‘planning the work and working the plan‘. But somehow I have the feeling that I am overdoing things, that I am too rigid in following my plan, my daily to-do list. And what triggered me thinking that was a remark a few weeks ago of a friend of mine, something like that he would leave me behind, let me alone if I really wanted to push through with meeting someone who skipped a meeting we had planned because he was sick. And yes, that was the first time or one of the first times that I really didn’t make my daily planning, really could not check an item on my list as ‘done’. And no, I don’t think it hurt me in my discipline really, maybe even the opposite, although I’m not fully sure. As somehow I continued making my daily plan and doing the things I planned for the day, maybe even more conscious than before. Actually it made me think a lot about being rigid or flexible and somehow it gave me more options, more choices.
And yes, somehow it still makes me scared that I am now able to indeed decide NOT to finish my daily to-do list. As I did yesterday, as I had decided to attend a funeral, meaning I left Wednesday end of the afternoon and returned today, Friday morning, as I had to travel for around eight hours to the city where the family lives,where I spent most of yesterday attending the funeral, including preparations and aftermath.
So maybe it did or does take courage NOT to do things, like not to send my daily quote yesterday and not to write my posts and not to update my gratitude diary. And yes, it still makes me feel a bit scared, as I no have given myself the option to NOT finish my daily to-do list.
But even while scared, scared of falling back to not doing things anyhow, no matter whether I planned them or not, somehow I have the feeling I gained some flexibility, lost some of my rigid thinking by indeed allowing me to be flexible, even where the cost is NOT doing the things I planned, so not working the plan.
But it made me more human, as being a human being you can’t control everything. And you certainly need to take the time to be with family, friends, to share a loss like the death of a loved one.