Tag Archives: Planning

Stuck again?

I feel stuck again. And so many things to do. And so little time. And strange, as in a way I have time enough as I still didn’t find a stable job or stable other work. And yes, the Universe is somehow giving me chances, somehow gives me opportunities, is somehow helping me.

And I know some things I wanted to do today. And I will still do them. But somehow I feel very dissatisfied as my life is not how I want it to be. And yeah, maybe that is something related to my controlling nature, or my controlling attitude.

And I was just thinking that it all seems to boil down to that I don’t know what to do, don’t know how to make a plan to achieve the main goals in my life. And those two main goals are having a healthy and loving relationship with Lee and being rich. And somehow I know the being rich has to do with freedom, freedom I need or something. And also somehow those goals never really changed.

And looking back I reached many goals, maybe all of the goals I had in mind while I was young. But then why do I feel so unsatisfied right now, and the last few years?

It seems all boiling down to not having a satisfying love life, as when I had that, or at least had the belief I had that, I was mainly okay. Or wasn’t I?

Ah, and why am I writing here? Well, mainly because I wanted to push myself a bit, making commitments in public. And yes, writing often helps me, but I believe it is better to write in public. Although maybe behind that is also my craving for being famous, for being known. And from a SEO perspective more text means more visitors, although that is not fully true anymore. Ah, and yes, that is why I wanted to add one or more photos or pictures here and in other pages. As Google likes pages with images as far as I know. Kind of stupid thinking, as in the end I just want to be known for being me; or for what I know.

And I just may have had an important hunch, as just before starting writing here I got the thought that I may want to check with everything I do if it is helping me towards my goals. And stretching that further, I may want to check if everything I plan is bringing me closer to my goals.

And while searching for my link to the page goals I noticed some other posts related to goals and planning:

So maybe (re-)reading those pages would also give me some answers, as it seems I have written more about it. And the subject goals was also discussed in my last counseling session. As it seems for me achieving goals is kind of the main purpose of life, which of course it it not.

And I am stuck again now, as I want this post be useful for you for my reader(s). But in the end I guess I can only write for myself, and if anybody else thinks it is worth reading or can do something useful with it is up to him or her.

So some of the things I want to do today are:

  1. make some small changes in a client site, something I have postponed for too long;
  2. go to my Coda meeting;
  3. work on DoctorsConnect (and the Dutch version of DoctorsConnect);
  4. do some grass weeding;
  5. take a shower, dress up.

So do these activities contribute to my goals? Let’s make a list:

  1. making those changes to the client site contributes to my goal of being rich, as I believe I need to be more attentive to customers in order to earn or be recommended;
  2. the Coda meeting is kind of my life line, a way to stay sane, so yes, it contributes to my goals;
  3. working on DoctorsConnect and the Dutch version of DoctorsConnect contributes to my goals, as I want this project to be my road to being rich and famous;
  4. the grass weeding contributes to my goals as it gives me pleasure, distraction, and is helping me learning stopping;
  5. taking a shower and dressing up contributes to my goals as I believe being clean and dressed up properly will make me being taken more serious with people.

So it appears I am planning and/or doing the right things on the way to achieving my goals and dreams, one of my affirmations.

And enough for now, as I think I better start on those actions, even though I believe writing this here now also contributes to my goals, as it clears my mind and helps me think and many more things.

My trip in 2016

At the end of 2016 I made a trip, a four week trip, and while writing it is still 2016, only two weeks or so after I returned from my trip. And I wrote several posts already about this trip, but I wanted to add a post about the journey I made, the places I visited, the route I followed, so I am starting that now here.

And I am not fully sure when I started my trip, but as far as I remember it was November 16, 2016, a Thursday if I remember well. And of course I can check that date, as there must be messages or photos or whatever relating to that date, or the days after. And it was weird how this trip started, as at first it was a long time suggestion of my (ex-)partner. And no, I still don’t know if he is my ex or if he is still my partner. He says he is not, but somehow we are still related, still connected. He is even still here, even though I asked him to stay away from me, from here, as I wanted to recover from the loss, from him leaving me.

But that is another story and I don’t really want to write about that here now, or maybe not even at all, although that may be also good. As I have learned that sharing helps, sharing anything, can even inspire other people, no matter how weird or sad or bad the story is.

Anyhow, so I left on I think November 16, 2016, and yes, it was my own choice. And at the time I was kind of running away, away from home, away from Malasag, away from my obligations, away from the dogs, away from everything. And yes, looking back I needed it, looking back my (ex-)partner was right, I really needed a break, away from everything, as I had been stuck for quite a while, actually a very long time, in Malasag, in my home, The Malasag House.

And it was hard leaving, as I did not know whether I could trust my (ex-)partner with everything, as he had offered to take care of everything while I would be away. I did not know if I could trust him with the house, the stuff inside, the dogs, everything. But somehow I knew I needed to get away, get out, to “find myself” as my (ex-)partner called what he suggested I would do. So finally I did.

And right now I planned to make an overview of my trip, like a summary of the route I took, the places I visited:

  1. First photo during my tripMy first stop was Butuan, where I changed bus. And it was a stop, as I had a nice conversation with one of the shop keepers. I don’t recall his name now, but maybe I will later. Actually my first good experience, as I had many, many good experiences during my trip.
  2. My second stop was Maasin, where I had planned to stay, as someone I knew who I wanted to visit had not replied. And here the first miracle happened, as just when I was about to tell the conductor I wanted to continue to Ormoc, the destination of the bus, I received a text from my friend that he would like me to visit him. So I got off the bus in Maasin.
  3. After getting off the bus in Maasin I realized I was already too far, quite a bit too far, as my friend lives in Sogod, a municipality about one and a half hour away by public transport from Maasin. As I really wanted to see him I decided to go back, back to Sogod.
  4. Sogod was my first real stop, the first place where I felt safe and comfortable after kind of running away from home, from Malasag. Bus terminal SogodAnd I forgot how long I stayed. I think it was three nights. And it was good being with a friend, being with a family, being with people that felt good, that I trusted, even though I barely knew them. So yes, there are people everywhere where a human being can stay, no matter what. I was very grateful staying there, even though they were very poor, so I even had to sleep on a bed without a mattress, but I felt safe and comfortable and taken care of.
  5. After Sogod I left for Legazpi, my first real planned stop, as before leaving Malasag my first planned itinerary was go to Manila by bus, but make a stop over in Legazpi as I thought it was too long a trip to go to Manila in one setting. I also had never been in Legazpi, and while researching my trip I found it is a tourist destination, so it sounded like a good first stop. And it was.
  6. And again, several miracles happened, first just finding a hotel very easily and smoothly after being dropped off the bus in what looked like a very strange location, and after when leaving Legazpi, just getting a bus ticket and a bus by some hunch I got while waiting for my phone to charge.
  7. My next stop was Boracay. And getting there was really a crazy trip, but I loved it, even though I decided not to push through getting there through Masbate, a route that looked shorter, but also looked very adventurous and unsure. Reason to go there was that a friend of mine is working there and as we were never able to meet, due to budget constraints, I decided to go there. And doing it at this part of my trip was because he had planned to leave for Manila a few days o after, so we might have been able to travel together, as my next planned stop was still Manila. I also had never been to Boracay, and living in The Philippines for so long I really wanted to go there, even though I expected not to like it there. How wrong was I, as I really loved Boracay after arriving there, staying there for a few days.
  8. After my (first) stay in Boracay I finally went to what had been my first goal as a destination: Manila. I arrived there early morning waiting for a friend to wake up as I had asked him if I could go there and have breakfast as I was too early to check in in the hotel I booked. I stayed two nights in Manila before going to the main goal of this trip: Luzon, and then go to the most northern tip, which would be the farthest (north) I had planned to go on this trip.
  9. My next goal after Manila was Pagudpud, as I decided to first go to the farthest point and then slowly go down, visiting the Baguio/Sagada area, another goal of this trip as I have been living in The Philippines for a long time, but never went to that popular area. Unfortunately, or looking back maybe fortunately, there was no direct bus from Manila to Pagudpud at the time I had planned to leave, so I decided to go to Laoag instead, and go from there.
  10. So I think something like my first goal not reached, as I had planned to go to Pagudpud and not to Laoag.

    Saint William Cathedral Laoag.

    But it seemed God had planned something better for me than I had done, as I visited a Dutch friend that I knew from the internet and he toured me around Laoag for about the whole first day I was in Laoag.

  11. The next day I still went to Pagudpud on a day trip, so I did reach that goal also, although that day I did not reach my main destination of my trip: the northern tip of Luzon. Again, not reaching that goal was a lesson for me, and a deliberate choice, as I did not want to end up as I had ended up one day in Boracay: totally wet and with a broken umbrella.
  12. Then the next day I wanted to reach the Sagada area, preferably via the shortcut via Cervantes. And my target, my goal was Bontoc, a municipality somewhere in the middle of the Sagada area that seemed a good starting point for my next target, probably Baguio. And this was the second time I did not reach my goal for a day. Domog Village Inn Bistro and Café.As when I arrived in Cervantes there was no more transportation to Bontoc, so I ended up in Bauko. And again, not reaching my goal was not a bad thing as I ended up in a very nice inn, Domog Village Inn Bistro and Café. You can read more in the post Unexpected Baguio.
  13. The next day I indeed reached Bontoc, but basically only passed through as I had decided to make some kind of round trip in the Sagada area. So my next target was Banaue.
  14. And again, God changed my plan, as when arriving in Banaue I was not able to find immediate transportation to Baguio City. But that was a very positive experience, as it gave me the opportunity to roam around in Banaue for a few hours, enough for me to get the feel of a place before moving on. You can read more about my Sagada experience in my post about Laguna.
  15. After Banaue my plan was to go back to Manila, passing through Baguio. And the last was a big detour, but I wanted to be able to say I have been to Baguio as that is a very famous place in North Luzon. I ended up only staying five minutes on Baguio soil, as the van dropped me off at the bus station and a bus to Manila was already waiting. But at least I have been to Baguio LOL, so I don’t have to explain I went to North Luzon and did not visit Baguio.
  16. The trip from Banaue to Manila lasted much longer than I expected, so I arrived or would arrive in Manila somewhere in the (early) morning. As the friends I wanted to visit were not available I decided to skip Manila and continue to my next stop, Liliw, where a friend of mine is living I wanted to visit and already agreed with I could stay for one or more nights.
  17. After two or three nights in Liliw I decided to continue my journey and go to Boracay again as I had enjoyed Boracay so much. This meant going to Batangas again to probably cross over to Calapan, take a van again to Roxas or Bulalacao. So I did, traveled overnight from Liliw to Boracay through San Pablo, Batangas, CalapanRoxas and Caticlan (of course).
  18. I think I spent two nights in Boracay again and it was indeed a similar experience as the first time. I enjoyed very much being a tourist again in a place focused on tourism. My last night was kind of weird, a prayer being answered in a way nobody could have ever imagined. I still don’t understand how that was organized.
  19. I left Boracay early morning towards my next stop: Iloilo City, where I was planning to meet a friend, which I did. I only stayed one night and the morning and around noon I left for my next stop: Bacolod, where I was hoping to meet a friend.
  20. As my friend did not respond I decided to continue to basically my last destination: Dumaguete, a city I know pretty well as I have been there many times.

And right now I feel like I have to stop writing here, as it just doesn’t feel good anymore, but of course I will continue the description of my itinerary later. Actually I was writing about planning. And planning, good planning, happy planning, relates to this trip, so that is why I (also) wanted to write about this trip. As I reached all my goals, or virtually all my goals during this trip, and I wanted to know how I did that, as in real life things seem to be so hard and impossible, where during this trip everything went smooth, even though often I was still scared and anxious, especially when I thought of my next destination, how I would get there and if there would be a place to sleep, a place to stay. And amazingly, or maybe not so amazing, there was always a place to stay, always a place to sleep, always transportation. And there were always people, helpful people. And even more amazing, none of my fears came true, literally none. Or maybe one or two did, but solutions were available, and the found solutions for the fears that came true were even better or at least as good as my original goal or plan.

So yes, this trip was (also) about fear, about conquering my fears. And as said NONE of those fears became reality in a way that was scary or something. NONE.


So I am codependent, depressed, with less cash than ever, no work, no career, yes, many ideas still.

And I still want to write here, but mostly don’t really know what. But today someone sent me the link to something related to something related to Colonel Sanders. And that reminded me about something I heard about the founder of McDonalds. And while I was writing the last part of the first sentence, “many ideas still”, it reminded me of J.K. Rowling.

And I am not sure what to believe, like how my situation, my story, relates to Harland David SandersRaymond Albert Kroc or Joanne Rowling, as they all seem different, more, not sure how to say, determined or persistent than I am, but apparently they did go through many failures, defeats.

And recently the ideas of Napoleon Hill, the stuff from Think and Grow Rich came and come to my mind again. And I wanted to start reading in Think and Grow Rich again, but I realize I didn’t do that yet until right now. I did get my Desire Document back, read it, made it visible again though. And amazingly it is still unfolding, together with some stuff related to what I found on the site of Kim Cooper. And yes, many dates have passed and such, but somehow things are unfolding according to that document, so recently I started to wonder if my biggest dream will still come true, together with some other stuff I wanted, stated there.

And yes, somehow I am starting to think about planning again; and about setting goals. Those things have been very hard, pretty much impossible recently, probably due to my depression. And while working on my depression I am starting to realize what a terrible thing that is. It kind of blocks everything, all positive things, all goal setting, all desires, all pleasure, everything that makes life worthwhile. So I guess that is the first thing to work on. Maybe that could be a start of some planning again.

And about goals? I am not sure about my goals anymore, as they seemed so impossible for quite a while. But right now, the last few hours, days, somehow I am getting also back to my goals, basically since I started to admit, realize, that I really suffer from depression.

And I wanted to write a lot here actually today. But it seems I am more focused on links and such than actual writing. Somehow in my mind is still that I want to promote this site, make Inspiration for Success work, promote my other businesses and ideas.

And no, strangely enough I don’t feel desperate anymore, despite that was the name I gave this post when I started it. More hopeful I guess.

So the main thing that has blocked me for quite a while may just have been depression.

Self analysis, question 50

Today’s question often makes me guilty, especially lately, as I believe I don’t spend enough time on work, on earning money. But maybe I’m too hard on myself as I also consider a hard worker and someone who doesn’t give up.

So let’s answer the question

“How much time out of every 24 hours do you devote to:

  • your occupation
  • sleep
  • play and relaxation
  • acquiring useful knowledge
  • plain waste?

And the first one I am most scared about as I did not spend a lot of time on ‘real work’ lately, like internet marketing or finding customers for my business. But I have spent a lot of time on meeting people and moving around to get my DoctorsConnect project going. And what makes me believe I don’t spend time on my occupation is that I often have to travel and wait a lot in order to meet the people I want to meet and that time doesn’t feel like ‘work’. But of course it is part of ‘work’, even though it also involves time in e.g. bars and also enjoying time meeting people (for pleasure).

So if I look at it, I may indeed spend only something like 4 hours per day on ‘work’, on occupation. But if you count all the work related to also my project and sales and promotion I guess it is closer to ten or maybe even twelve hours a day. And that often feels like too much, meaning I don’t have a lot of time left for play and relaxation.

Related to sleep I guess in general I sleep eight to ten hours per day, even though lately it is often less than that, maybe something like seven hours. Main issue here is that I often can’t sleep and often end up wasting my time on ‘tablet use’ after going to bed.

Time spent on play and relaxation is maybe one or two hours a day, although most of that may even be counted as ‘plain waste’ as I often just watch TV or keep browsing Facebook and Google and such. Main issue here is that I kind of lost the feel about ‘play and relaxation’ as I have been so focused on earning most of my life, also because for most play and relaxation one needs money, that I can’t imagine anymore how to play and relax. Ah, and the main reason I guess is that relaxing for me means traveling or meeting friends. And I don’t have money for travel and I still don’t seem to have friends, people who want to be with me.

Yeah, what about acquiring useful knowledge? I don’t spend a lot of time on that as I believe I know most of what I want to know. Still, I guess somehow I do acquire useful knowledge on the way as I search a lot of things in Google and such. Time spent on acquiring useful knowledge per day? I guess one hour or less.

And then plain waste. I guess I spend something like four hours a day on plain waste, just doing nothing. And the main thing here is I don’t have focus, I don’t know where to put my energy to be successful or reach my goals. So often I just don’t know what to do. And this is I guess my major problem on my way to success, on doing what I want, on achieving what I want. That I just don’t know how and that my history has proven that things just don’t work, at least not the things I know. So does this mean that I need to spend more time on getting to know more about achieving success? But I already have the feeling I spent a lot of time on that, including building this whole site with related research and reading ‘success’ and ‘self help’ stuff. So that is not the way.

Anyhow, let’s see how the above adds up:

Occupation: 10 hours
Sleep: 8 hours
Play and relaxation: 1-2 hours
Acquiring useful knowledge: 1 hour
Plain waste: 4 hours

Total estimate based on my feeling: 24-25 hours. Wow, didn’t expect that to add up to something like 24 hours, so I may know more about myself than I thought and/or am better at estimating time than I thought.

Power of habit

Today I experienced the power of habit, as even though I have not planned very much with my daily planning, somehow I started last week again and for today I wrote quite some items, many more than I usually do lately.

And as I am still in a very down, depressed mood, I couldn’t really get going also today. But somehow the things I wanted to do in the city went much faster and better than I expected. And somehow I finished all of the items except one. And the last one was something like visiting a doctor, not even specified as a mandatory item as far as I remember now.

But somehow I had time and somehow I remembered the item. So somehow I decided to visit the hospital of one of our users. And the secretary was still there. And somehow I was in sales mood, something I already decided last week, focusing on marketing and sales and not on development.

And there was one other doctor I wanted to visit in that hospital. And somehow he was available. And somehow God allowed me to squeeze in and meet him shortly.

And all of this would not have happened if I hadn’t known all the self help and personal development stuff. And train myself with some habits.