Today was or is supposed to be my ‘day off’, a day where I can do some unfinished business, like fixing the e-mail issue of this site (I cannot send e-mails as of the moment, not send the daily quotes from this site). And trying to get YokYok and Arf together, as I bought mouth guards, so I can let them be together without hurting each other too much.
And until now nothing really came out of my hands, even worse, I have this ‘torture feeling’ again that blocks me so often, that rules my life of not achieving things, the thing that kind of causes my self destructive behavior. And right now, while writing, it is a bit less than earlier, when i was weeding the grass, doing something to ease me, doing something to calm me down, doing something that I hope will make this feeling, this feeling of being tortured, go away.
And I just don’t know what to do to make it go away. It seems nothing what I do or not do makes it go away; or makes it come. As yes, it is not always there, at least I think. At least it is not always as strong as to stop me from doing something, from just feeling bad, from feeling being tortured. So the worst to me is the randomness of the feeling, the knowledge or perceived knowledge that whatever I do or not do does not make that feeling come or go away.
So the leas I can do now I guess is to write about it. As I think I never really wrote about it like I do now, how that feeling rules my life, destroys my life, destroys my ability to ‘do’ things, do things I would like to do so much, especially do things that would improve my life. But somehow I can’t, somehow I can’t control this feeling or do anything about it, do anything to make it go away.
And I think I know a bit how the feeling comes into being. As the last few days I had quite some disappointments, some things I consider being negative in my life, next to the unbearable feeling, the unbearable thought of not having Lee or anyone else in my life to be my lover or partner. And next to the kind of unbearable feeling that I am not able to earn my own income anymore, that I depend on my mom, and others, and on savings from a previous life, to sustain myself financially.
So yeah, the last few days have not been easy for me, as I tried to repair my printer, replace the pick-up roller, which as far as I knew was the only problem with it and would give it a new life, after about ten years of good service, the last year or two years with some hick-ups due to the worn out pick-up roller. But until recently it was still printing, somehow, when I was kind of begging it, guiding the paper and such. Until finally it didn’t really work anymore, a few weeks ago. So I finally decided to order a pick-up roller from Lazada, a service that I recently discovered next to Amazon.
Anyhow, I tried to sign up for the Lazada affiliate program, but also that seems to have gone wrong, so I can’t even put an affiliate link here, so no option for earning from there right now.
So yeah, it started with the printer. And things like the e-mails from my new server not working. And a problem with my DFS system not working, the system I use to keep my data safe on my home/office network. And still the Globe internet working and no reply from Samsung yet related to the pretty new refrigerator that has a problem. And as far as I know some other things, ah, yes, my phone having a problem, being sent to the service center in Manila, so I don’t have a/my smartphone right now.
And yes, I know most things are working. Actually there are many more things working than not working, which is kind of amazing, as I know from my mechanical engineering course that in order for e.g. a TV or something to work, and you can read any electronic or mechanical device, virtually all components need to work with a reliability of almost 100%, otherwise the device will not work. So I know it is amazing that e.g. my computer works right now. And that my Smart/PLDT internet works. And that everything between me and ‘anything internet’ works is quite amazing, a showcase of human, or maybe God like, ingenuity.
But at the same time “things not working” can be quite annoying, especially if there are relatively many things not working in life, like I believe what is going on in my life for quite a while now. And I try to stay positive, for quite a while already, but it seems that just when I start to feel a little relaxed that the “things breaking”, “things not working”, something else seems to break, seems to stop working. And I am still wondering if I am the only one feeling like that. And I still believe in the past I had much less of those things, or at least things were easier to solve, as I used to have much more money to just replace things or something.
So yeah, I feel punished for not appreciating things working in the past, for not appreciating enough that I had a pretty good life, with a pretty good salary, money in the bank, regular travel, including exotic, long travel, and many, many more things, even though I know also at the time things didn’t feel right, at the time there were also things very wrong in my life.
Enough for now, but I guess I will continue later, as I think it is important sharing these things. Not sure why, but I just want to know more about other people, if they are struggling like me with things like this. And if not, how they live as they live, how they live a happier life than me.
Anyhow, I feel a little better now than earlier, still scared, as usual, the feeling will get worse again, but anyhow, it doesn’t. And best ‘do nothing’ I guess about all the things I want / need / have to do; just relax for a while, maybe the whole day.
Seems I am not the only one feeling being tortured: http://www.socialanxietysupport.com/forum/f35/does-anybody-ever-feel-like-they-are-being-tortured-124271/. And yes, to me it feels like a deliberate act (of God), as also somewhere stated in that page. Very strange, as I guess God would not deliberately torture someone, anyone. Why would He do that? And found some more pages about it, so apparently I am not the only one struggling with feeling being tortured.
Some more links:
So the articles still point to depression. Will it ever go away then? I have been dealing with that for so long it seems, and it does not seem to go away. Yes, I did not follow the advice of my last counselor, but still, doesn’t life have some natural healing for that?