Tag Archives: Have to

Torture

I have no clue why I am putting this photo here. I like the photo and just got it yesterday from someone, so just want to share. It must mean something I like it and I put it here.

Today was or is supposed to be my ‘day off’, a day where I can do some unfinished business, like fixing the e-mail issue of this site (I cannot send e-mails as of the moment, not send the daily quotes from this site). And trying to get YokYok and Arf together, as I bought mouth guards, so I can let them be together without hurting each other too much.

And until now nothing really came out of my hands, even worse, I have this ‘torture feeling’ again that blocks me so often, that rules my life of not achieving things, the thing that kind of causes my self destructive behavior. And right now, while writing, it is a bit less than earlier, when i was weeding the grass, doing something to ease me, doing something to calm me down, doing something that I hope will make this feeling, this feeling of being tortured, go away.

And I just don’t know what to do to make it go away. It seems nothing what I do or not do makes it go away; or makes it come. As yes, it is not always there, at least I think. At least it is not always as strong as to stop me from doing something, from just feeling bad, from feeling being tortured. So the worst to me is the randomness of the feeling, the knowledge or perceived knowledge that whatever I do or not do does not make that feeling come or go away.

So the leas I can do now I guess is to write about it. As I think I never really wrote about it like I do now, how that feeling rules my life, destroys my life, destroys my ability to ‘do’ things, do things I would like to do so much, especially do things that would improve my life. But somehow I can’t, somehow I can’t control this feeling or do anything about it, do anything to make it go away.

And I think I know a bit how the feeling comes into being. As the last few days I had quite some disappointments, some things I consider being negative in my life, next to the unbearable feeling, the unbearable thought of not having Lee or anyone else in my life to be my lover or partner. And next to the kind of unbearable feeling that I am not able to earn my own income anymore, that I depend on my mom, and others, and on savings from a previous life, to sustain myself financially.

So yeah, the last few days have not been easy for me, as I tried to repair my printer, replace the pick-up roller, which as far as I knew was the only problem with it and would give it a new life, after about ten years of good service, the last year or two years with some hick-ups due to the worn out pick-up roller. But until recently it was still printing, somehow, when I was kind of begging it, guiding the paper and such. Until finally it didn’t really work anymore, a few weeks ago. So I finally decided to order a pick-up roller from Lazada, a service that I recently discovered next to Amazon.

Anyhow, I tried to sign up for the Lazada affiliate program, but also that seems to have gone wrong, so I can’t even put an affiliate link here, so no option for earning from there right now.

So yeah, it started with the printer. And things like the e-mails from my new server not working. And a problem with my DFS system not working, the system I use to keep my data safe on my home/office network. And still the Globe internet working and no reply from Samsung yet related to the pretty new refrigerator that has a problem. And as far as I know some other things, ah, yes, my phone having a problem, being sent to the service center in Manila, so I don’t have a/my smartphone right now.

And yes, I know most things are working. Actually there are many more things working than not working, which is kind of amazing, as I know from my mechanical engineering course that in order for e.g. a TV or something to work, and you can read any electronic or mechanical device, virtually all components need to work with a reliability of almost 100%, otherwise the device will not work. So I know it is amazing that e.g. my computer works right now. And that my Smart/PLDT internet works. And that everything between me and ‘anything internet’ works is quite amazing, a showcase of human, or maybe God like, ingenuity.

But at the same time “things not working” can be quite annoying, especially if there are relatively many things not working in life, like I believe what is going on in my life for quite a while now. And I try to stay positive, for quite a while already, but it seems that just when I start to feel a little relaxed that the “things breaking”, “things not working”, something else seems to break, seems to stop working. And I am still wondering if I am the only one feeling like that. And I still believe in the past I had much less of those things, or at least things were easier to solve, as I used to have much more money to just replace things or something.

So yeah, I feel punished for not appreciating things working in the past, for not appreciating enough that I had a pretty good life, with a pretty good salary, money in the bank, regular travel, including exotic, long travel, and many, many more things, even though I know also at the time things didn’t feel right, at the time there were also things very wrong in my life.

Enough for now, but I guess I will continue later, as I think it is important sharing these things. Not sure why, but I just want to know more about other people, if they are struggling like me with things like this. And if not, how they live as they live, how they live a happier life than me.

Anyhow, I feel a little better now than earlier, still scared, as usual, the feeling will get worse again, but anyhow, it doesn’t. And best ‘do nothing’ I guess about all the things I want / need / have to do; just relax for a while, maybe the whole day.

Seems I am not the only one feeling being tortured: http://www.socialanxietysupport.com/forum/f35/does-anybody-ever-feel-like-they-are-being-tortured-124271/. And yes, to me it feels like a deliberate act (of God), as also somewhere stated in that page. Very strange, as I guess God would not deliberately torture someone, anyone. Why would He do that? And found some more pages about it, so apparently I am not the only one struggling with feeling being tortured.

Some more links:

https://bpdfamily.com/content/depression-stop-being-tortured-your-own-thoughts

http://achhikhabre.com/depression-healing-tips/
So the articles still point to depression. Will it ever go away then? I have been dealing with that for so long it seems, and it does not seem to go away. Yes, I did not follow the advice of my last counselor, but still, doesn’t life have some natural healing for that?

Setback

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I knew it might not be easy begin back home after my fantastic trip all over The Philippines, but I was not prepared for the setback I am experiencing now. And I am trying to get back to the state of mind I was in during my trip and that made me so happy and fulfilled, but until now I did not succeed in that really. On the contrary, it seems I feel worse and worse every day.

And I don’t want to write a negative post here, but somehow this morning, right now, I felt like writing here, sharing my thoughts, writing, hoping that would give me some solution or some peace of mind. Or what I actually wanted was going back to that state of mind I was during my travel, like what is and was the difference between now and then.

My location right now.
My location right now

As I did’t change and the Universe did not change, the world did not change, so what changed or what is different that puts me down so much?

And no, it is not all negative, as I am very happy to have a place to feel safe, the bedroom below, a similar place as the places I had during my travel. The house and everything around feels too big though, too much to handle. And yes, the money issues I have to(?!) deal with are not gone. The money issue was one of the things I put aside during my travel, as it made no sense to bring that with me.

So is that the answer? Put aside the things I cannot change right now, like my financial situation, which is still bad in terms of income? Yes, maybe, maybe that is something to explore further. And yes, I have been praying the Serenity Prayer a lot, but it doesn’t always seem to help, doesn’t always ease my mind. Or doing Step 3, letting go, leaving everything to God and The Universe.

And yes, miracles still happen, as when I started to listen after praying this morning, lying in my bed and knowing nothing else to do but pray, suddenly my phone started to make noises about new messages and someone called and asked if I would want to see her in the city. And yesterday I saw someone next to a black Pajero, my dream car, the car that is related to my wants and desires, and I started chatting with him and had a very nice conversation. It is just there are so many things to do, so many things I want to do, so many things that need to be done. And I don’t know how to do that, where to start, or how to even plan it. It is all just so overwhelming.

And I know I did all those things before, did many more things than I do now, did a million things more than I do now. And I just don’t know how to do that anymore. And yes, I know this has something to do with my codependent “do, do, do”, the urge to keep moving, to keep doing, to keep trying to change things, to keep trying to make things perfect. And yes, the writing now helps, as I know everything is already perfect. And I can’t do it all alone, it is not my job to do ‘everything’. I can just relax and do one thing at the time, no more, no less, like writing right now. And yes, still the urge to put links and make new pages. And add a photo, the photo I just made of my current workplace, so this page would be ranked higher by Google, as Google likes photos on pages. And yes, that last sentence triggers another urge, changing the theme of this site, as I noticed it does not show properly on my cellphone, on devices with a small screen width, as probably the social media button area is too wide, not made ‘adaptive’ yet. Ah, yes, and I need to change some other stuff around pictures, around photos, as sometimes photos are too wide for small screens and go outside of the content area.

And strange, as as a web developer I used to like those things. But it seems everything has already been done, everything is being done, and the world has become so efficient that it seems I, and probably you, are not needed anymore, unless is some kind of super efficient organization.

And I still like to do those things, but in the background the thought of needing to earn, needing to be more efficient, needing to find clients, clients who seem to expect everything to be cheap and perfect. But a good website, a good adaptive design, is still very expensive, time consuming, unless you use a standard (WordPress) theme. And I like making specific things, making perfect things, making custom made things, like an artist. As yes, programming and web development is an art, not just a job.

Arf right now.
Arf right now

So what to do next, or now? I need (want?) to feed the dogs and I want to finish this post (but I don’t feel like finishing it now). And I need (want?) to go to the city to make a payment. And yes, the answer is “do the next right thing”, but right now I don’t know what the next right thing is. Or maybe the next right thing is just relaxing, stopping, let the world just be the world, not trying so hard. Maybe just take a shower or do nothing or walk Arf, walk with Arf. Another obligation by the way, as I feel guilty not walking Arf enough, not training Arf enough, as he is still on a leash, something I don’t like. But I also don’t want YokYok and Arf to fight, so for now I don’t think there is much option letting him free so he can roam around by himself.

YokYok right now.

And while writing I did a lot of things, like making the photos, uploading the photos, which was not easy, as my android did not upload the photos to Dropbox yet; and did not send the e-mails with the photos I created. I also made coffee and chatted with some people. And I fed the dogs, and moved Arf, as it just started raining. And the last is maybe an answer to what to do or not to do next, as going down with this rain does not make much sense right now.

And this post feels a bit like finished now, but I still don’t know what to do next, how the rest of my day looks like. Yes, the “one day at the time” (or even “one minute at the time” or “one second or breath at the time”) is in my mind. It still doesn’t give me peace right now though. But then, I don’t have to like everything I accept, like my current feelings, so I can try to accept. So maybe the next right thing is just to wait a little, just do nothing, just typing a little here, even though I also want, need to eat and want, need to take a shower.

What if

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“What if it was a brand new day, the first day of my life, without any burdens of past history, no debts to be paid, no dogs to take care of”?

The last few days the above question came into my mind. And of course I can’t go back to that type of situation. Or can I?

I feel like I am standing at a crossroad, like staying here, in The Malasag House in The Philippines, or going elsewhere, start anew.

And I guess mainly my codependency makes that a hard question. As there are always the voices of others in my head, like what would “others” do, what would “others” think is the best thing to do?

And I am starting to learn that “others” can’t give me the answer. That I have to make decisions myself, that no one else can make my decisions for me.

And I hate this “I have to”, as that still brings the terrible “have to’s” from my dad, and at the same time from my God.

Do does life have “have to’s”? I am not fully sure (anymore). What if I didn’t have dogs but children? I could still go. There are many people leaving their children behind.

But it is just not me (I think), leaving the dogs behind. As I kind of feel responsible for them. But yes, I guess I could now, as I know they will survive without me, can be okay, can be happy without me. A difficult thing to write, but I know it is true. But maybe the question is if it is true for me.

Same with the house. I could leave it behind. But I invested so much in it, I made it so much “my house”. I suffered a lot by staying here.

Time to stop now, as I gave myself until 11 am to do something for myself. And it is about 11 am. Duty calls? But what duty? My self imposed duties for today? I don’t even feel like doing them, don’t feel like going out. So change my decision? Maybe. Maybe even better. But that is not according to the Principles of Success, changing decisions (fast). But I am not changing it fast, as I have been thinking about it all morning. And it just doesn’t feel good to go out, which is why I reserved until 11 am ‘for myself’.

Stopped

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So the last few days, weeks, or maybe even months I slowly stopped. And the last days I kind of really consciously stopped, stopped kind of everything. As it seems all those things like discipline and habit and Principles of Success and desire document don’t seem to work, didn’t seem to work.

I even kind of stopped the sending of my daily quote, something pretty serious to me. And the writing here, but that didn’t seem to have so much effect or influence.

And it all kind of started with the Coda meetings I am participating in. As that seems to be the first thing ever that kind of makes me feel that something is happening, that something is improving.

And I am not sure if I am right, but it may be the worst advice to someone who is codependent, to work on things like ‘discipline‘ and some or most of the Principles of Success, although the Principles of Success also recognize things like the power of love, romantic love, and something like Infinite Intelligence.

So realizing more and more that I could’t do it, can’t do it, can’t do anything on my own, with my own little human power, a few days ago I decided to give ‘everything’ to God and wait, stop, do nothing anymore.

And it was hard, as I still have work to do, still have no clue how to pay the bills two months from now and desperately looking for love, a new partner, or maybe my current, old partner.

But I just couldn’t, I couldn’t go on forcing and forcing things, something I always do, did. But more importantly, something that doesn’t work, didn’t work.

So here I am, a few days after my ‘giving over’, wanting to share some of my experience.

And not sure what to share, but slowly I started to feel some more freedom, slowly I started to do things, but only things I felt like doing, nothing forced, including not doing some of the items I planned, allowing myself to move them, not do them, as it just didn’t feel good.

And today, or actually yesterday or so, I felt like writing again, writing here, writing something. So that’s what I did.

So much you can do

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It seems there is only so much you can do.

Today I was fully exhausted and also one of my team members already indicated she needed rest.

So what about persistence and pushing trough and going the extra mile?

I could have gone the extra mile (and push for another meeting), but it jus didn’t feel right.

Same as writing here, today, but I thought I still wanted to share this.

Yes, habits are very powerful I am starting to notice.

But what is the cost?