Right and wrong

it was strange, one or two hours ago, when my mam called and told me Janneke, one of my two sisters, died. And it was strange especially as I received a text last night from my other sister Suzan,asking me to call her as soon as possible. And I am re-reading it now, and indeed, there is urgency in it, but it arrived fully wrong with me. As if one of my sisters is dying I would expect someone to call me and not send me a text to call them.

So this afternoon I got a call from my mam telling me that my sister was not only severely ill, but even died last night. And again the request to call her back right now, implying that I should use Skype to call her on my sisters phone, right now, right after. And again, I was hesitant, as I was about to go out and someone was waiting for me, so calling back straight away would be quite a hassle for me. Partly because my computer was not yet on and partly my current opinion about these things is that there is nothing really urgent about. Someone died and that’s it and it’s a common thing. And yes, I guess I may sound a bit weird with this kind of statement, but when my father died five years ago I did everything I was supposed to do and I am still suffering from it, as I borrowed money for the ticket which was the start of my borrowing, something I could never imagine doing before. But as I had no money at the time and as I presumed I was to go I just did what I thought I was supposed to do and bought tickets for my partner and me with borrowed money.

And yes, getting older made me also more relaxed with things like death. As people just die and there is nothing much special about it, even though of course it is a significant event. So yes, of course I am considering going to the funeral or something. But just doing it ‘because I am supposed to do it, because society expects it’, I am not sure if that’s the right way. Especially as that first borrowing for my dads funeral was the start of the deep financial shit I am in right now. And don’t get me wrong, it was not the reason, just the start. And there were very good reasons for all those decisions I made afterwards, especially the first one or two years after. But finally reality caught up with me and I didn’t know what to do anymore as I saw no way out anymore.

So am I acting strange? I guess so, as the more I think about it many people avoid me after a while, leave me behind. So there must be something in what my partner said last night, that I have some autism type behavior when I didn’t want to entertain him anymore as I felt provoked by his questions and statements about me. As in my experience if he is in a mood like that anything I say just makes it worse, so I better keep quiet, even though of course that also doesn’t solve anything and also makes him more and more annoyed. But I guess it is still better to just keep quiet as at least then I don’t give him any new ammunition for further complaints and accusations about what I am doing wrong.

So strange, feeling relatively quiet, relatively relaxed after the message my sister just died, even though after I arrived home after a short errand it suddenly hit me and I started to cry. And yes, there is more, but that is too private for me to share herein public. But maybe I should share I also felt relieved, as this event of my sister dying might solve some things within our family, things that should have been solved a long time ago, but where I didn’t know how to do that.

And it is strange, as last night I was talking with some people and we talked about something like changing the other person. And I said I think I can’t change my partner, but actually I meant I don’t want to change my partner. And also related to the problems my sister and I have, my mam often tells me I can’t change my sister.

But the question is if I shouldn’t try if I think there is something wrong with the other person. But that raises another question: who decides what is wrong and do I have the right to change another person. Or is the opposite true: am I obliged to point out ‘wrongs’ in the other person.

And right now of course I am thinking what ‘wrong’ and what is ‘right’? And I don’t know the answer, but it is an interesting question to keep in mind.

So yes, looking forward to your comments on this.

I still feel guilty,especially about my financial situation and that I can’t stop my partner from spending money we don’t have, that should go back to where it came from. But somehow it doesn’t make sense, as looking back I wouldn’t know how I should have done it differently. And I didn’t make myself, at least that’s what I believe. So how can I be guilty? Something like how can a dog be guilty or how can a stone be guilty. Or even a molecule. So somehow we humans are different from anything else, although somehow dogs, animals can feel guilty as far as I know. And thinking further, guilt seems to be something like violating rights of others. As that’s what dog-guilt is about I guess. As I presume a dog only feels guilty towards humans, when he or she does something against the rules of humans, of the higher species, the higher power.

And thinking further again, guilt seems to be something like violating the rules of the group. So in that respect it is about the survival of the group. And I guess that’s what human guilt is also all about, the guilt we are taught to feel when violating the rules.

But then were does conscience come in? Is there also something like violating your own rules? But again, thinking about dogs and stones, does that make any sense?

And going back to my financial stuff, am I still doing harm? Yes, I live in a big house and I allow my partner to overspend, spend money that I borrowed, that I am responsible for. But the consequences of leaving the house are unimaginable. And I wouldn’t really know how that would improve things, although of course if the house my debts could be paid off and I would be clean towards my debtors. And I want to stay with my partner. And I know somehow he is blackmailing me and controlling me with anger, with violence.

But the basic problem is still income, other people willing to pay me, somehow, or pay me for what I do, for work I do. And somehow there are too many of ‘me’, too many people, too much capacity to do the things other people need, other people are willing to pay for.

So while writing I keep asking myself if I indeed should sell the house, pay off my debts and live in a cheaper place and live a cheaper lifestyle. And based on the rules I grew up with, based on the law I should do that. And even my conscience agrees with it.

But still something inside of me says that I shouldn’t do that. As it doesn’t really solve anything. And while writing this I am starting to think that it would make things worse. As it would mean somehow that I would give up, would never work again, would never do anything anymore.

Recognize anything?

Tag Archives: Guilt

Guilty