it was strange, one or two hours ago, when my mam called and told me Janneke, one of my two sisters, died. And it was strange especially as I received a text last night from my other sister Suzan,asking me to call her as soon as possible. And I am re-reading it now, and indeed, there is urgency in it, but it arrived fully wrong with me. As if one of my sisters is dying I would expect someone to call me and not send me a text to call them.
So this afternoon I got a call from my mam telling me that my sister was not only severely ill, but even died last night. And again the request to call her back right now, implying that I should use Skype to call her on my sisters phone, right now, right after. And again, I was hesitant, as I was about to go out and someone was waiting for me, so calling back straight away would be quite a hassle for me. Partly because my computer was not yet on and partly my current opinion about these things is that there is nothing really urgent about. Someone died and that’s it and it’s a common thing. And yes, I guess I may sound a bit weird with this kind of statement, but when my father died five years ago I did everything I was supposed to do and I am still suffering from it, as I borrowed money for the ticket which was the start of my borrowing, something I could never imagine doing before. But as I had no money at the time and as I presumed I was to go I just did what I thought I was supposed to do and bought tickets for my partner and me with borrowed money.
And yes, getting older made me also more relaxed with things like death. As people just die and there is nothing much special about it, even though of course it is a significant event. So yes, of course I am considering going to the funeral or something. But just doing it ‘because I am supposed to do it, because society expects it’, I am not sure if that’s the right way. Especially as that first borrowing for my dads funeral was the start of the deep financial shit I am in right now. And don’t get me wrong, it was not the reason, just the start. And there were very good reasons for all those decisions I made afterwards, especially the first one or two years after. But finally reality caught up with me and I didn’t know what to do anymore as I saw no way out anymore.
So am I acting strange? I guess so, as the more I think about it many people avoid me after a while, leave me behind. So there must be something in what my partner said last night, that I have some autism type behavior when I didn’t want to entertain him anymore as I felt provoked by his questions and statements about me. As in my experience if he is in a mood like that anything I say just makes it worse, so I better keep quiet, even though of course that also doesn’t solve anything and also makes him more and more annoyed. But I guess it is still better to just keep quiet as at least then I don’t give him any new ammunition for further complaints and accusations about what I am doing wrong.
So strange, feeling relatively quiet, relatively relaxed after the message my sister just died, even though after I arrived home after a short errand it suddenly hit me and I started to cry. And yes, there is more, but that is too private for me to share herein public. But maybe I should share I also felt relieved, as this event of my sister dying might solve some things within our family, things that should have been solved a long time ago, but where I didn’t know how to do that.
And it is strange, as last night I was talking with some people and we talked about something like changing the other person. And I said I think I can’t change my partner, but actually I meant I don’t want to change my partner. And also related to the problems my sister and I have, my mam often tells me I can’t change my sister.
But the question is if I shouldn’t try if I think there is something wrong with the other person. But that raises another question: who decides what is wrong and do I have the right to change another person. Or is the opposite true: am I obliged to point out ‘wrongs’ in the other person.
And right now of course I am thinking what ‘wrong’ and what is ‘right’? And I don’t know the answer, but it is an interesting question to keep in mind.
So yes, looking forward to your comments on this.