Tag Archives: Life

I always feel forced…

“I always feel forced to meet other people’s expectations”, that’s the sentence that came up to me after listening to the audio recording “Who are you really” from Morty Lefkoe. I can’t find a link to the audio recording right now, but I guess a related article is You are both consciousness and creation.

And Morty Lefkoe is specialized in helping people eliminating false beliefs. And with what I now know basically, literally every belief is false. And that also goes back to the teachings of Abraham Hicks, as he states that everything started somehow with a thought, with a belief. And that everything in this world are just implemented and executed beliefs.

So somehow I have the belief that I always need to meet the expectations of other people, always need to make them happy, fulfill their needs.

And this post is not yet finished, and I’m not sure if I’m ever going to finish it, but I guess so. And here I bump into some other belief, something I read, something my team members try to tell me: that I need to produce quality content, finished articles and such. And yes, I believe that would be better. But it’s not ‘me’ and I’m starting to believe that I indeed need to follow my own way, find my own followers, no matter what I write about or how I write.

As indeed, I cannot please everybody, should not want to please everybody. As everybody is different with different needs and different ‘gives’. So I guess the gift of my posts, of my writings, of the effort I did to build most of this, might appeal to some people. At least I hope.

And yes, of course this post has a message, a message for you. And the message is to not follow ‘the world’, not follow other peoples thinking and beliefs, but just be yourself. Because you are unique and whether we are here for a reason or not, I still believe we deserve to be happy and enjoy life.

Poverty and richess

Leave a reply

I got this today or yesterday in my e-mail from one of the other inspirational type sites I signed up for:

Ten reasons you are rich:

You didn’t go to sleep hungry last night.
You awoke this morning with a roof over your head.
You had a choice of what clothes to wear.
You haven’t feared for your life today.
You often worry about what you’re going to do with your life – your career, your family, the next step, etc. – which means you have ambition, passion, drive, and the freedom to make your own decisions.
You have a friend or relative who misses you and looks forward to your next visit.
You are reasonably strong and healthy – if you got sick today, you could recover.
You have access to food and clean drinking water.
You have access to the Internet.
You can read.

And at least eight or nine apply to me, so based on this and what I know of similar lists is that I am richer than most people.

And I got an e-mail to me that made me think about rich and poor and way of thinking about rich and poor. As this e-mail related to someone who has a very good position in the government and probably never lost his job and always earned or had enough money to eat, to live.

So I saw myself sitting together with him, feeling very much lower than him. And my story fully not arriving, as this is probably a person that has just grown up, went to school, went to university, found a job and probably always just worked or had a husband or wife that also worked. And I have been there, so I know how it feels, I know how it is, even though most of the time in that situation I felt scared, scared of losing my job and indeed the money and security going with that in The Netherlands and I guess many other countries.

And I’m not trying to underestimate the problems this person probably also has. But me, especially the last one and a half years or so, feeling like having lost everything, not knowing what to do, at certain times no access to money that I could call my own, and yes, still in a privileged position, in practice probably still having a lot of capital as my part in our house.

But, looking back at my life and especially where I stand now, or at least until a few days ago, I’m confused. As I grew up very privileged. And was able to obtain a Masters degree in University in The Netherlands, which I guess is quite something. And indeed, something not many people have.

And I grew up as the son of a tax inspector, someone very serious about law and such. And very honest. So I was very serious about law and such. And very honest. Looking back even too honest.

And now, looking at myself I’m confused. Because somehow I don’t care anymore. Somehow I can steal or will avoid the law and such and do my own thing, take care of myself first, in a very bad way, at least compared to how I grew up, to what I was taught, to what I believed.

And it’s probably my character, my personality, my communication skills or whatever that brought me into situations that finally fully brought me down. Even though, while writing this, I don’t like what I see, I don’t like what I did, don’t like how I feel about some things now. And somehow I want to get out, I want to do better, want to go back to those old beliefs where life was so simple, where right and wrong were so simple, where budgeting and living within your means were so simple. Just right and wrong.

And yes, I want this post to be inspiring, I want this post to give hope to people in a similar situation like me. But somehow I don’t know anymore and many of those self help sites and tips and teachings and instructions and guidelines I’m not sure if they apply to everybody in all situations in all locations in the world.

As I never understood why those people in need, those people dying from hunger in areas where there was no food, stayed in those areas. Same as I didn’t understand people living in earthquake zones and such.

And now I find myself in a house that’s way above my budget, with debts that are far beyond my imagination (to how I thought let’s say fifteen years ago) in an area where there are probably no suitable jobs for me and in an earthquake zone.

And yes, it’s my own ‘choice’. And I could choose to move, towards a place with ‘jobs’. And I could choose to sell the house.

And don’t get me wrong, I want this post to be inspiring. And yes, I want to solve all those ‘bad’ things, those things that are bad like ‘living above your means’. Or ‘not working hard enough’.

But here my age, my life experience and the time I still have to live starts to become an issue. As a reasonable period to pay off my debts would be something like ten years. Provided I have enough income. But this ‘reasonable’ would mean I wouldn’t ‘live’, I would just live to pay my debts and have nothing left to have some fun. And that’s weird if you’re fifty, having had a quite good life when having a good job, having had quite a good life still having money from a previous life and still trying to have a good life when everything was gone.

So basically my ‘reasonable choice’ would be to cut my expenses, try to find a job or something to earn a little or a lot more than my debt service and interest payments and live my life like that for ten or twenty years. And then I would be somewhere between sixty and seventy.

Doesn’t sound appealing, although you could still live a good life when being sixty or seventy and enjoy life for another ten or twenty years after having paid your debts. And yes, it would morally probably feel good.

And I didn’t make any decision yet, but somehow the above scenario doesn’t sound right. It doesn’t sound like ‘fun’, it doesn’t sound like ‘living’. And I still believe also life should be ‘lived’, not ‘survived’.

And this whole story reminds me of the lost son,the story in the bible. And the good son didn’t understand why the father was so happy that the bad son was back. But i’m starting to understand. And I’m starting to believe that people should have a new chance, start clean, whether financially or criminal.

So how would we do that?

Or is there still something else?

My biggest weakness

Leave a reply

Yesterday something happened that completely put me out of balance. And the event itself was not even that major from an objective point of view, but it triggered my injustice feeling, my feeling that I feel so helpless when I bump into the policies and procedures of an organization when I just need to talk to someone to find a solution for problem I have and need help with (from this organization).

And this type of thing happens to me quite often (recently?) and the result is that I feel completely devastated, feel ‘bad’ and can’t find any way around this feeling except, well waiting until it has passed away, often reading stuff from self help books or the internet. Or writing, doing some exercises like segment intending, which I just did.

The problem I encounter is that I kind of lose half or a whole (working) day, which, also to my feeling, just makes things worse, which will make me feel guilty or something and in the end will make me even worse and will paralyze me even more.

So my biggest weakness seems to be, at least to the things stated in Think and Grow Rich, which I started re-reading today while in this situation, this feeling, that I can’t control my, well, emotions? So some kind of complete lack of self control. And some kind of self destructive behavior, as this kind of behavior, from an objective point of view, just makes things worse.

But while writing this I’m starting to doubt if it’s all that destructive. And while thinking now I may want to analyze what is really going on in this type of situation, what was really going on yesterday and today.

And wow, this is really hard, writing on now. As over all I’m still in a very bad situation, at least financially. And the issue yesterday affected that, at least in my thinking, to an even worse situation. And I knew ‘something’ was coming, but after the trigger last weekend to make a phone call, I was actually happy and prepared myself for a phone call that would lead to a solution that would be best for both parties. At least in my opinion.

Anyhow, the conversation didn’t go as planned and I found myself and the other person caught in some kind of deadlock, which made me say something that triggered a very bad action (for me) from the other side. So the whole thing went nowhere, leaving me in even more trouble than I was before, while I had expected an open conversation about how to solve this problem. But I was only offered one solution (and also realize now that I also only had one solution in mind). And that solution was impossible for me to comply with, at least that’s what I thought at that moment.

But yes, here I am at the core of what I think should be changed in large organizations with people just implementing policies and procedures, where the customer has nowhere to go. And those things feel to me like talking to a book, talking to a written policy, talking to ‘the law’. And that’s where I get turned off completely. As I thought I was the customer, where apparently I’m not, or at least don’t feel like it.

So what’s going on there? I had some expectation, some hope and the thing I expected, the thing I hoped for didn’t happen. And as it has, at least in my thinking, a big impact on my life, I go into stress mode and that stress mode paralyzes me for about a day or so.

And I have to stop now, as this is not working. I have to stop.

Will continue later.

So it happened again. I suddenly panicked and just needed to stop. And I know about ‘will power’ and ‘self control’ and such, but somehow my feeling is so strong that I just need to stop. Or at least I did.

And here it gets confusing again, because am I unique in this? Or a minority? Or a majority? And if so, what then? And whatever the answer to that question, should I change it, can I change it? Is it as bad as it feels and is it indeed something I ‘should’ change?

And if you are the same or recognize this, how can I contribute to dealing better with that feeling or how can I contribute to you being more ‘efficient’?

Or, while realizing what I just wrote, what’s the whole point with all of this?

Well, the whole point is of course that I want to feel happy and that maybe I want to be successful as I somehow still connect ‘being successful’ with ‘being happy’. And this feeling belongs in the category ‘unhappy’, or in the (my?) category ‘unwanted’.

But again, feelings are just feelings. Nothing bad with that? They’re just feelings and every human being has them. And I guess every human being likes ‘positive’ or ‘happy’ feelings and dislikes ‘negative’ or ‘bad’ feelings (unhappy feelings?).

So let’s see, as of now I feel ‘kind of bad’, kind of wanting to stop. And I don’t like the feeling. So maybe the goal is just to go from an ‘unlikable feeling’ to a ‘likable feeling’. And here comes in mind again the teachings of Abraham Hicks, as he states something like, no matter how you are feeling, no matter the situation, first go to a positive feeling and then go from there. As nothing positive comes out of a negative feeling, about a negative state of being.

And somehow deep inside I agree with that.

But then what’s the purpose of negative feelings and how to deal with them? And why would I want to ‘do’ something? Why would you, why would anybody want to ‘do’ something as that’s also what’s behind the whole thing? Don’t we just want to feel good? That’s all? And is any of our ‘doing’ not just to create positive or more positive feelings?

And let’s go further, because five minutes ago or so I was walking around a bit and that made me feel better. But somehow I also wanted to go back here, to the laptop to finish this post. And in the background I still just want to ‘fix my life’. And yes, that ‘fix my life’ is linked to ‘do things to fix my life’.

And is that indeed why we are here on earth, to ‘do’ things?

Well, I’m going around in circles it seems and I’m not sure how this post could be of any use to anybody else, except me now writing it which makes me feel a bit better and helps me organize my thoughts.

But yes, somehow I want, I believe, that this post should also benefit others, benefit you.

So what helped me now was:

Writing things down, not only in this post.
Doing some ‘segment intending’.
Making some kind of plan, a very minimal plan, for the rest of the day.
Working on finishing that plan, where one of the items was making this post.

Lee Harvey Oswald

Leave a reply

I was just watching a documentary on History Channel on Lee Harvey Oswald. Or actually of course of the murder on president John F. Kennedy. And I saw some documentaries and stuff before. But the whole thing was never presented as clear and straightforward as in this one. No conspiracy theories and such, or maybe a little. But just some straightforward facts and a straightforward police investigation. And while typing something like ‘lee harvey oswald’ and ‘history (channel) kennedy’ I was laughing at myself seeing the results as of course around the date of November 22, 2013, fifty years after the assassination of John F. Kennedy many people would search for the same thing, opening the same pages, reading about the same thing. As many people may be writing right now about it, like I do.

So where does all this conspiracy stuff comes from? If I see the story as it is being presented in this documentary it’s pretty clear that Lee Harvey Oswald murdered president Kennedy, but indeed, it’s not clear why, although even there are some answers about that, as it seems to have somehow been connected to Russia.

But president Kennedy murdered by the CIA or something like that? No, I don’t believe that anymore after this documentary.

So what is this all about. Is most of the ‘news’ and ‘documentaries’ just ‘show’, just for ‘show’, just to keep us entertained? And why are the creators creating it? And why are we accepting that? I mean, to me entertainment is entertainment and information is information. Or not?

Sick

Leave a reply

I’m a little sick. Nothing special, some flue and it feels actually even good as my body seems to be cleaning itself and it is a good excuse to just stop, ly in bed, relax.

So no post yesterday and a small one today.

Enjoy your day!