Tag Archives: Emotion


I feel so much fear and I only realized how much fear I feel when I was just meditating with some videos from Lisa A. Romano on YouTube about healing the inner child and healing from narcissistic abuse. But the fear must be much older than suffering from narcissistic abuse from my last partner, as I realize as a child I was also scared, looked scared. So maybe indeed many or most or all things we feel or experience go back to childhood or even before that.

And when thinking about that fear I am often thinking it is the fear of being conscious, the fear of being alive, the fear of being. As I guess even God or Whatever created us, may feel the same fear, may also feel alone, be alone. Although what I was just writing doesn’t make sense if there is indeed a Creator of Everything. Or does it?

Ah, these things go beyond the human mind, beyond what humans are capable of understanding.

And I have no clue where this post is going. I just felt the need to write, to share. Ah, maybe it would be nice to see some comments here, comments about being alone, maybe comments about being The One.

Thanks for reading this, Guus.

From blame to healing

I just realized that I have gone from blame to healing. Instead of blaming everything and everyone I am now listening to meditation tapes and it seems they have indeed changed my mindset, my attitude into a more positive one, like looking for healing within me, looking for the wounds inside and trying to find healing for them.


Just wanted to share this. Not sure what else to write now.

So change is possible.

Love is blind?

I am more and more amazed with the power of sex; or of romantic love; or love; or whatever one may call it. Or is it something else?

I find myself more and more in an impossible situation, or not really impossible, but a situation I could have never imagined before, when I was a child. It seems that many things I was told about life when I was a child were a lie, or at least not true. And yes, I guess my parents and other teachers didn’t know better. They could not have taught me things they did not know. And how could they have known?

And I guess many things they did not really teach me. Many things I believed came from my own imagination. Or from what I read or knew or heard of.

And no, I don’t like where I stand now. And yes, it seems I still blame it on my past, on others, on God, on whatever. Or yes, on the person I love, the person I love most. And it is not true a human being can just ‘move on’. As I have a big loan to pay and I have no clue how I would do that; or even agree to the new, very fair, agreement that is in the making. How can I make commitments on things I don’t know, on things I can’t control?

Yes, I believed in love, and somehow I guess I still do. But it seems indeed love is blind, stupid. How can that be, as to me love is still sweet and nice and pleasant and a good thing. But no, it appears not to be, at least not the romantic love I believed in.

So what is this thing I used to call love? Just lust, just sex, just sexual need, just instinct? And why is it so bad, why did it have such a bad outcome for me, at least the last few years and as of this moment? And how would I make up? And how would I control my sexual urges, my sexual needs? Just suppress them? But that just seems to create more unmanageability. Or indeed, try to remove them through castration or something? Yes, that is how far I have come now, even somehow considering something like that, although not really seriously, as that seems to only kind of sure way to take away sexual feelings.

But then what, what is the world, what is life without romantic love? To me a day without romantic love, yes without making love or something, a day without sleeping together, yes, preferably with my lover and partner, something I don’t have and somehow don’t want anymore? What is a day without that?

Or is it still all about the emptiness, the spiritual emptiness I am trying to fill and that cannot be filled without believing in some kind of loving God or loving Higher Power? Or about loving myself, but isn’t that the same thing? I often wonder if it would not be hard for (a) God to love Himself, as He would also need to live with the consequences of his choices, like the suffering that is probably the result of giving man ‘free will’.


So what now? This morning I felt the urge to write here as I thought I had something to say. And right now I feel very stressed because of things happening here. So let’s try later, maybe.

Self analysis, question 39

I just got an e-mail I don’t like so much as it is a request for additional information about mistakes I have made. And it makes me scared and it also annoys me, as I could have never made the mistakes if I wouldn’t have taken the responsibility I took. So I am quite affected by this in a negative way as I hoped I would have gotten away with my mistakes but apparently I didn’t.

So what does this mean? Should I have never taken this responsibility? I guess not. And what have I learned from it? Well, not sure, as I believe I still make similar mistakes.

Anyhow, maybe just go with today’s self analysis question, as I am trying to develop the habit of not dealing with things straight away, like dealing with this e-mail or answering it right now. But I do feel very uncomfortable right now, but maybe today’s question will help me get some more clarity on this.

And today’s question is “Do you form your own opinions or permit yourself to be influenced by other people”? And I guess this certainly relates to the situation related to the e-mail, as my own opinion is that I made mistakes, but the other side also made mistakes. And other involved parties made mistakes. And I am certainly influenced by other people in this case as I take their opinions so serious that I am really affected by it.

Ah, and another opinion of myself is that I still don’t know how I could have done things differently as given the same situation, the same circumstances I would probably do the same.

And how would I make up for the mistakes, correct the mistakes? Well, that is a very difficult question that I don’t know how to answer, as I don’t see any reasonable way to correct the mistakes. And I am quite sure the other party or parties involved would know how I should correct the mistakes. But I don’t agree with that opinion. As they are not me and don’t know my exact situation, don’t know what I feel, where I stand, why I did and do what I did and do.

And this all goes back to that we all grow up by experiencing others opinions, about right and wrong for example.

So what is really ‘my’ opinion?