Tag Archives: Worry

Self analysis, question 52

Today I still didn’t feel good, but somehow I realized I made some progress as I found a sponsor for my twelve steps program of Coda and somehow I started participating in the meeting again today after quite some time of just listening and not saying anything.

And the progress is related to that I am starting to realize that codependency is a terrible thing, that it is causing enormous damage, not only for me, but also for my environment. And right now, while writing, I am starting to realize that it is not my fault that I am codependent, that it is not (all?) my fault what has happened in my life, what is happening in my life.

Yes, strange that codependency is so little known where I presume it is omnipresent and that many people suffer from it, either directly or indirectly. And believe me, the damage is enormous, more than I could ever imagine. But they say there is a cure, so it is time to start working more seriously on dealing with it, even though I may never be cured, like an alcoholic always will be an alcoholic. And that is hard to deal with, but somehow today I felt hope again.

But I didn’t want to write about codependency. I just wanted to continue with the self analysis questions and today’s question is “What is your greatest worry? Why do you tolerate it?.

And of course I have seen this question before, and answered it. But right now I am not sure what is my greatest worry. I guess right now my greatest worry is to get old and have nobody to take care of me. As right now my partner is not here and that has been for quite a while already and that makes me realize how important family is, no matter how you define family. As when you are old you need people who take care of you, at least I guess most people who get old in the end can’t take care of themselves anymore like cooking or shopping or washing or dressing.

So why do I tolerate it? Well, I’m not sure if I ‘tolerate’ it, but recently I have been thinking a lot about what to do and where to go if my relationship doesn’t work out. And I can’t really decide on that until now. Somehow I just want to ‘run away’, but of course that doesn’t work. You always bring yourself with you. And that also made me decide the last few years to just stay here, in Malasag, as running away doesn’t solve anything.

And that brings me to my second worry: no money. And that is a very serious worry as for quite some time I have not been able to earn money or acquire it in other ways, even though until today I was always able to eat and pay my daily needs, or actually more, as I don’t really live a very poor lifestyle.

So why do I tolerate that? Well, I don’t really tolerate it, but I just don’t know any solution to solve my ‘money problem’. But while writing I realize I am not as worried about it as I was before, even though my cash and/or incoming funds would only last me for one or two months, and that is not a lot.

And If feel a bit like writing bullshit above, but this is just what came into my mind. So I guess this is my self analysis for today.

And yes, still looking forward to comments or other thoughts, but somehow that didn’t really happen a lot yet, except from some friend(s).

Self analysis question 44

I decided to go back to the self analysis questions after some intermezzo with some other stuff. An intermezzo mainly because of our sick dog that was at the vet and that cost me a lot of time and energy. And this also may point to some weaknesses of mine: being quite emotional and only being able to focus on one thing most of the time, like focusing as if there is nothing else.

But let’s finish this online self analysis and today’s self analysis question is “Do you feel it your duty to share other people’s worries? If so, why?”.

And of course I have seen this question many times before, but until now I don’t fully get what it means, or what the answer would mean.

And the first thing that comes into my mind is that I don’t feel it my duty to share other people’s worries as everybody has his or her own life with his or her own worries. And no, I don’t think it is our duty to take over other people’s worries.

However, I do feel it my duty to understand other people and try to help them if possible. As in the end I guess we are here to help each other.

But no, still no real feeling related to this question, or it’s answer.

So today I think I’ll pass.

Self analysis, question 14

A bit a weird question to me today: “Are you permitting some relative or acquaintance to worry you? If so, why?”. And the first thing that comes to me now if the question is about me worrying about someone else or someone else worrying about me. And of course I am quite sure it is the first, me worrying about some relative or acquaintance.

So am I worrying about some relative or acquaintance? Well, I guess not, although I think I did more before.

Or could it be it is meant that the behavior or opinion of someone would be worrying me. And I guess that is the case and it goes back to previous questions that I have obligations to other people I don’t like and I can’t fulfill which makes me very embarrassed and indeed makes me worry about that.

So why am I not addressing that? Well, because I still believe things will get better, even though for the last ten, fifteen years they only got worse.

And yes, these worries affect me a lot, even though I pretend they are not. Or somehow I push them aside, try to ignore them. But yes, these things affect me, affect me a lot.

So what is the weakness here, what is there to improve?

Maybe I should indeed address the issue in a way that it wouldn’t worry me so much anymore, as indeed, worrying about things is killing.

And I still don’t know what, but these questions are starting to make me think more, think about issues I don’t want to solve, things I postpone, things I don’t make decisions about.