Today I still didn’t feel good, but somehow I realized I made some progress as I found a sponsor for my twelve steps program of Coda and somehow I started participating in the meeting again today after quite some time of just listening and not saying anything.
And the progress is related to that I am starting to realize that codependency is a terrible thing, that it is causing enormous damage, not only for me, but also for my environment. And right now, while writing, I am starting to realize that it is not my fault that I am codependent, that it is not (all?) my fault what has happened in my life, what is happening in my life.
Yes, strange that codependency is so little known where I presume it is omnipresent and that many people suffer from it, either directly or indirectly. And believe me, the damage is enormous, more than I could ever imagine. But they say there is a cure, so it is time to start working more seriously on dealing with it, even though I may never be cured, like an alcoholic always will be an alcoholic. And that is hard to deal with, but somehow today I felt hope again.
But I didn’t want to write about codependency. I just wanted to continue with the self analysis questions and today’s question is “What is your greatest worry? Why do you tolerate it?.
And of course I have seen this question before, and answered it. But right now I am not sure what is my greatest worry. I guess right now my greatest worry is to get old and have nobody to take care of me. As right now my partner is not here and that has been for quite a while already and that makes me realize how important family is, no matter how you define family. As when you are old you need people who take care of you, at least I guess most people who get old in the end can’t take care of themselves anymore like cooking or shopping or washing or dressing.
So why do I tolerate it? Well, I’m not sure if I ‘tolerate’ it, but recently I have been thinking a lot about what to do and where to go if my relationship doesn’t work out. And I can’t really decide on that until now. Somehow I just want to ‘run away’, but of course that doesn’t work. You always bring yourself with you. And that also made me decide the last few years to just stay here, in Malasag, as running away doesn’t solve anything.
And that brings me to my second worry: no money. And that is a very serious worry as for quite some time I have not been able to earn money or acquire it in other ways, even though until today I was always able to eat and pay my daily needs, or actually more, as I don’t really live a very poor lifestyle.
So why do I tolerate that? Well, I don’t really tolerate it, but I just don’t know any solution to solve my ‘money problem’. But while writing I realize I am not as worried about it as I was before, even though my cash and/or incoming funds would only last me for one or two months, and that is not a lot.
And If feel a bit like writing bullshit above, but this is just what came into my mind. So I guess this is my self analysis for today.
And yes, still looking forward to comments or other thoughts, but somehow that didn’t really happen a lot yet, except from some friend(s).