Tag Archives: Self analysis

What do I want?


I am mainly frustrated because I don’t have, or think I don’t have what I want. Or maybe I am mainly frustrated because I don’t know how to get what I want. But I think I never really wrote down what I want in a tangible way. Like mostly I say something like “I want my old life back, but in a better, more healthy way”, but I never really specified that I think. And with “my old life” I mainly mean the life Lee and I had together from 2003 to 2010 or so. But I also mean part of the life I had before, when I traveled the world together with Nico. As yes, that was fantastic, even though there was an underlying problem in our relationship most of the time. And the same was true in the time I was with Lee. I was happy and in love and we had a good life, but some things were wrong, very wrong I know now. And I guess it was the same or a similar thing going on. And I guess it goes back to codependency and to not loving myself and not having a spiritual foundation I could build from. And as I have been working very hard on the last I may be much closer to what I want than I think, even though it does not feel that way. Actually I feel worse than ever in my life before, even though I had a very bad time when I was a student, also being very depressed and suicidal. I remember driving on myYamaha XZ550S Yamaha XZ550S and thinking with almost every truck I encountered whether I would drive into it or not. Well, somehow I didn’t, and I still don’t know why, as it would have been so easy.


And thinking of that bike, riding it was really fantastic. It was the best thing I ever did and I still miss it. And amazing I did not kill myself with it at the time, as I was young and could drive pretty fast most of the time on ordinary roads in The Netherlands, like 150 km/h, yes, really, 150 km/h on average country roads.

And yes, I consider myself a safe driver, not really taking risks, but 150 km/h on country roads, even good roads, is pretty fast, way too fast looking back, but I did it, and I never had an accident at the time. And I guess that is amazing, looking how much I used that bike as it was also my daily means of transportation, going anywhere I wanted and needed to go.

And I realize now that at the time nobody really knew me, how I enjoyed that bike and also how fast I drove and such. I guess at the time I was also already pretty alone, pretty lonely, very lonely.

But that is a sideline, although it brings me back to what I want, and also to thinking about how it all happened, why went down the drain so far and so deep.

Finance, money

As at the time I was very lonely and was already looking for a lover and partner I could not find. But what I had was safety, basically in the form of money. And some kind of outlook to the future as I was studying at the highest level University in The Netherlands and was supposed to get a good job after I was finished. And yes, maybe I was spoiled, getting Dfl. 1,000.00 per month as study allowance from my dad. And I got Dfl. 10,000.00 savings on my 18th birthday or something. Or my 21st , I don’t remember.

So that is what I want, feel financially safe again, as at the time I felt financially safe. Every month Dfl. 1,000.00 was deposited in my account and I had a few thousand guilders as savings. As right now I feel completely unsafe financially, as I don’t have enough money coming in on a monthly basis to sustain my current lifestyle. And my current lifestyle may be still pretty high, but it does not feel like extraordinary, especially not related to how I lived before, until 2001 or so.

And strange, writing this, as it seems financial security is the most important thing for me in life. As yes, I used to want a regular sex life, preferably, or actually only, through having a lifetime lover and partner, but I am pretty sure the last can be found if I am financially secure, if I feel financially secure. As, and I never realized this before, money CAN buy some kind of safety, some kind of security, some kind of feeling secure and safe. And I still believe if I would have been able to earn enough, pull of Active Discovery Designs in a way it would earn enough money to sustain our lifestyle, Lee would still be with me, would not have left me. Shortage of money, financial insecurity, seems to be a very bad thing, at least for me.

The good life

So what does “the good life” mean to me? Or what did it mean to me before and what would I want to get back or what do I want to retain? And what would I like to be changed, what would I like to be better?

Well, let me try to make a list:

  • With Nico we often went out during weekends, mostly on initiative of Nico, some things I did on my initiative. And strange, looking back, I mostly, or virtually always joined Nico in his quests, in his hobbies, but he hardly joined mine. Or is that not true?
  • With NIco, and also before, I had at least one large holiday per year, four weeks going some place far away, yes, as a tourist.
  • With Nico I often went away for a weekend, to Berlin, or Paris, or some other place. Mostly camping, sometimes in hotels.
  • With Nico I mostly had at least one extra week of holiday, going to Greece or something, but I also remember Portugal. And sometimes also just by car, to Eastern Germany or something.
  • With Nico I often went out to good restaurants, like at least once a month, have a good night out having a very nice dinner. I miss that so much. Ah, and yes, Nico still does that. So weird he can and I can’t anymore. And I know with Lee that didn’t really work the same way, but still.
  • With Nico there was enough money, so we could buy basically anything we wanted, especially food and such, but we also had nice furniture and things like that. And cars of course, each one car.
  • With Lee I often went to the beach, yes, with the dogs, or with friends. I miss that so much, would like to do that again.
  • With Lee I often went to Davao, visit family, or make other trips, yes, by car.
  • We often went to the land in Salumay and made plans, worked there, had plans for the future there.
  • We mostly held hands while driving. I love that feeling of being together, of being lovers. I miss that so much.
  • With Lee as well as with Nico I really felt like being a couple. That feels so good to me.
  • I would want the life at The Malasag House like before, when I was just working and Lee taking care of the house and guests and the garden, and inviting friends and guests.

What would I like to change, what would I want to be better? Well, this I guess:

  • I would want to have a private sex life, just the two of us enjoying sex, enjoying making love, not the crazy sauna things and other things Nico and I did to escape our terrible difference in how to deal with sex. And not the things I did and still do when I feel Lee is not close to me, when he is not my lover. Or when he just (still) rejects me.
  • I would like to be more like friends with my partner, just being able to talk about anything, discuss anything, without any fear. I guess I could combine that now with being lovers. That would be so great, being friends and partners and lovers at the same time. Who wouldn’t want that?
  • I would not want to have that terrible feeling as I had when we had the Landcruiser, like something was terribly wrong. And various things were very wrong related to that.
  • I wouldn’t want Lee to just leave, like what he did when he bought his property in Siargao. I want to stay together, do things together. Strangely enough I would want to be able to travel alone for my business, going around the world when I am rich and famous.
  • Find a way to also have my own friends at The Malasag House, independent from Lee.

Ah, and my codependent treats come out so well making above list, as I often want to write ‘we’ instead of ‘I’, for things I did.


So what do I want, summarizing the above? Well, this I guess:

  • Financial security.
  • Some future outlook.
  • “The good life”, like before, but then without the catch.

My goals and related planning

A better way to plan

I am still looking for a better way to plan. Or maybe for a better way to reach my goals. And that is why I started the page planning. And I want to keep that a page, but I just realized that you may want to comment on what I am writing. And my pages don’t allow for comments. So I decided to create a related post. This one. And this one will also help me do my daily planning. And think about my goals and set them, organize them.

And my main concern is that I don’t know how to reach my long term goals, especially making DoctorsConnect work. But I also have another concern and that is that I don’t plan my days properly, that I keep doing things without stopping, without relaxing and yes, without proper planning.

So I have the idea of doing something like daily planning and something like long term planning. And I am hesitant with something like daily goals, as I often have the feeling I don’t have time enough, that things take much more time than I expect (or plan).

And I have the idea that I need to split up DoctorsConnect in smaller goals, but until now I don’t really have any idea how to do that. Or actually I have, as I did make plans, but they didn’t work out until now. And Napoleon Hill states that that means that I need to create better plans, but I don’t know how to do that, as I believe I need people to help me with that. And that has just been my main problem: no people, no people helping me and no clients.

And last night and just now I am trapped again in doing something, continuing something without real planning. Maybe first thing is to just accept I am doing it, not being annoyed or angry with myself.

Goals and plans for January 10, 2017

So what did I actually plan for now or tonight? Well, let me just write it down:

  • Work at least one session of one hour on DoctorsConnect.
  • Cook my dinner and eat.
  • Do my daily SFI tasks.
  • Watch a movie or something.
  • And many more things…

And the last just doesn’t work it seems, as what I wrote is already a lot. Ah, I also wanted to work on the Bohol Plaza site. I just need to change a few things there, maybe one or two hours work, and I have been postponing that for weeks now I think. And I wanted to write down some agreements for a customer. And I want to call with a friend, something I also have been postponing for days now.

So everything I want just doesn’t fit in the time allocated for it it seems. So better relax with that is what I am learning.

Goals and plans for today, January 11, 2017

No goals set yet, but I want to start my day with weeding the grass, as that helps me going. Or yes, maybe that is still an escape. I found a way to limit that by doing it for a maximum of one hour, setting an alarm to help me stop my ‘do, do, do’.

And I want to work on the Bohol Plaza site as I was not able to do that yesterday. And yes, I also feel like doing it, so it is an okay thing to do today.

I also want to work at least one session of one hour on DoctorsConnect.

And I realize my goal for today, or maybe even for every day, is feeling satisfied with what I did today.

And I just realize I can also set an hour ‘to do just what I want’, without anything specific in mind. So I did. And right now I just want to share this LOL.

And I want to work on Bohol Plaza and DoctorsConnect, but I realized there are a lot of errands in my mind, like working on this page, doing some bank things, maybe clean a bit, and, well, many of those little things. So I decided to just reserve one hour for that right now, setting the alarm right now.

And just working in my usual chaotic way right now. But at least now it is planned, so I won’t be caught up in it for more than about an hour. And I know what to do next. And right now I am still thinking about making a list of all the things I want to do. But that kind of list scares me a bit, as working from a list like that didn’t work for me in the past. But maybe things have changed. Maybe I can just make a list without any goals or plans or whatever attached to it. So I won’t ‘ have to’  do it. It would just be a list.

My end of the day was not so good, kind of chaotic, up to now. I was not able to keep my one hour schedule, like creating new one hours during the evening. Maybe just be gentle with myself now and tell myself tomorrow is another day.

January 12, 2017

Today started pretty bad, as I woke up late, mainly because I could not sleep last night. And the day went chaotic (also), as I did not really make one hour plans, at least not at the beginning of my day. The reason for that was pretty obvious though, as I just had a meeting at 1.30 pm and did some errands before and after that.

When I got home I just went to the garden to do some Bermuda weeding, and yes, I did set the alarm for one hour to do that. After that one hour I wanted to finish some area and found a new way of extending my schedule: just set the alarm again for one hour, even for the same task, for the same thing I am/was doing.

Then it got dark and I didn’t feel like continuing, even though the hour had not passed. That made me decide to take a shower, so I kind of included that in the last one hour.

Right now I feel encouraged again with my ‘one hour at the time’ scheduling after feeling so discouraged last night. As usual I just need to realize that I need to be, and can be, gentle with myself, something I am not really good at, calling myself codependent. And yes, even now I set the alarm for one hour, just to keep forcing myself to stop regularly, relax regularly, as that is what I want to, probably even need to learn.

January 16, 2017

And as you may see above I was not really able to continue what I was doing, like setting hourly and daily plans and write about it, write it down here. I did make some progress though I think, as I am trying to be easier on myself if I don’t do the things I want to do or think I should do.

January 17, 2017

And yesterday and today ended fully different than I expected as there was very bad weather in Cagayan de Oro City, so I could not go to my meeting and decided to stay in the city until late last night, as there was probably no electricity in the house. And indeed there wasn’t as electricity came back only about an hour ago, around 8 pm in the evening, so my whole day was kind of lost related to work and anything one needs electricity for; and that is a lot.

So one can only plan so much, as one is not in control of the weather or even the electricity.

One month goal(s)

I decided to set some one month goal, as my trip in 2016 was one month and that went perfect. Not sure what that goal or those goals would be yet. And today is January 11, 2017, so I need to set some kind of goal for February 11, 2017.

Intermediate goal(s)

I just realized that my goal for the grass in the garden to be fully Bermuda grass is like in two years time, so let me set that at January 11, 2019.

Long term goals, definite purpose

And my long term goals are:

  • Restore my relationship, yes, in a better way. I have written down even how I want it.
  • Become rich through the ideas of Think and Grow Rich. And I believe now DoctorsConnect could be the way to that.

And the last two things are basically what I want, are basically what I made my definite purpose. If I manage that in the way I wrote it down in my Desire Document, together with some smaller things I want, but not really set as written down goals, my life has been a success.

So to do better planning, a way of planning that suits me, I have been thinking to make something like a goal for a month, like I did in my recent trip. As that one month thing seems to have worked very well for me. It was manageable in time and actions. So let’s go from there and see if I can define something for the common month to do; or to achieve?

And right now I really need to stop, as I feel trapped again in my ‘do, do, do’.


So the last few weeks I fully crashed, I hardly didn’t do anything anymore, despite all the nice stuff I know from Napoleon Hill and all those other ‘self help’ people and guides. And that includes sending the daily inspirational quote and writing here. And doing work. And many other things. So it seems there are limitations to what I can do, what a human being can do. And no willpower often can get me out of bed, as I am pretty sure I am suffering from depression. What kind of gets me out of it, got me out of it, was this article: get out of depression, or at least some of the suggestions, like moving a bit, walking a bit. And the main sentence that helped and helps me is “you can’t just will yourself to ‘snap out of it’, but you do have some control”. And that is fully contrary to the statement of Napoleon Hill to use willpower getting things done.

So what was the reason for crashing? Well, I guess the feeling that nothing is coming back, that nothing seems to work, no matter what I do. Like I have written a lot of stuff here in this site and it seems there is nothing coming back, no serious comments or even an e-mail every now and then, whether positive or negative. And I have been sending daily quotes for more than two years, now, every day, except Sunday. And I only got maybe five or ten e-mails from people who liked a certain quote.

And I read everywhere that success starts with giving, but it seems there are limits to that, as in the end you can’t just keep on giving without getting anything in return.

And I know that persistence in the end works, will work, but right now, and for quite a while already, I had the feeling there is not enough coming back.

And I know it is the same with other bloggers, and probably the same with many things, like writing a book, where you first have to fully finish the book and get it published before anything ‘comes back’.

Ah, end yes, I know one of my main issues is something like ‘choosing the wrong mate’. And not having a proper social structure to work from, not having enough friends or not having the right friends.

And I am working on all of that and slowly, very slowly things seem to start moving again, like just now I decided to write something here.

That is maybe the hardest part, knowing what ‘can be’ and not fully knowing how to get there, losing hope, losing everything on the way and kind of stopping, giving up.

But I guess I didn’t give up, as I am writing here again. And I decided to do a little work today. And lately I got some more friends, a better support structure.

Self analysis, question 53

Today’s question, “When others offer you free, unsolicited advice, do you accept it without question, or analyze their motive?, is something that is often in my mind. And right now I am thinking of some advice, or actually help, that someone offered me yesterday. And it was not fully unsolicited, but I didn’t like the advice as it was not an answer to the help I asked for.

So yes, often, or maybe always, advice or opinions given are probably more in the interest of the person giving the advice or help than the one asking for it or needing it.

And I guess I am more vulnerable to advice and opinion than I think, so I will think more about the reasons behind advice or opinions given.

Self analysis, question 52

Today I still didn’t feel good, but somehow I realized I made some progress as I found a sponsor for my twelve steps program of Coda and somehow I started participating in the meeting again today after quite some time of just listening and not saying anything.

And the progress is related to that I am starting to realize that codependency is a terrible thing, that it is causing enormous damage, not only for me, but also for my environment. And right now, while writing, I am starting to realize that it is not my fault that I am codependent, that it is not (all?) my fault what has happened in my life, what is happening in my life.

Yes, strange that codependency is so little known where I presume it is omnipresent and that many people suffer from it, either directly or indirectly. And believe me, the damage is enormous, more than I could ever imagine. But they say there is a cure, so it is time to start working more seriously on dealing with it, even though I may never be cured, like an alcoholic always will be an alcoholic. And that is hard to deal with, but somehow today I felt hope again.

But I didn’t want to write about codependency. I just wanted to continue with the self analysis questions and today’s question is “What is your greatest worry? Why do you tolerate it?.

And of course I have seen this question before, and answered it. But right now I am not sure what is my greatest worry. I guess right now my greatest worry is to get old and have nobody to take care of me. As right now my partner is not here and that has been for quite a while already and that makes me realize how important family is, no matter how you define family. As when you are old you need people who take care of you, at least I guess most people who get old in the end can’t take care of themselves anymore like cooking or shopping or washing or dressing.

So why do I tolerate it? Well, I’m not sure if I ‘tolerate’ it, but recently I have been thinking a lot about what to do and where to go if my relationship doesn’t work out. And I can’t really decide on that until now. Somehow I just want to ‘run away’, but of course that doesn’t work. You always bring yourself with you. And that also made me decide the last few years to just stay here, in Malasag, as running away doesn’t solve anything.

And that brings me to my second worry: no money. And that is a very serious worry as for quite some time I have not been able to earn money or acquire it in other ways, even though until today I was always able to eat and pay my daily needs, or actually more, as I don’t really live a very poor lifestyle.

So why do I tolerate that? Well, I don’t really tolerate it, but I just don’t know any solution to solve my ‘money problem’. But while writing I realize I am not as worried about it as I was before, even though my cash and/or incoming funds would only last me for one or two months, and that is not a lot.

And If feel a bit like writing bullshit above, but this is just what came into my mind. So I guess this is my self analysis for today.

And yes, still looking forward to comments or other thoughts, but somehow that didn’t really happen a lot yet, except from some friend(s).