“What if it was a brand new day, the first day of my life, without any burdens of past history, no debts to be paid, no dogs to take care of”?
The last few days the above question came into my mind. And of course I can’t go back to that type of situation. Or can I?
I feel like I am standing at a crossroad, like staying here, in The Malasag House in The Philippines, or going elsewhere, start anew.
And I guess mainly my codependency makes that a hard question. As there are always the voices of others in my head, like what would “others” do, what would “others” think is the best thing to do?
And I hate this “I have to”, as that still brings the terrible “have to’s” from my dad, and at the same time from my God.
Do does life have “have to’s”? I am not fully sure (anymore). What if I didn’t have dogs but children? I could still go. There are many people leaving their children behind.
But it is just not me (I think), leaving the dogs behind. As I kind of feel responsible for them. But yes, I guess I could now, as I know they will survive without me, can be okay, can be happy without me. A difficult thing to write, but I know it is true. But maybe the question is if it is true for me.
Same with the house. I could leave it behind. But I invested so much in it, I made it so much “my house”. I suffered a lot by staying here.
Time to stop now, as I gave myself until 11 am to do something for myself. And it is about 11 am. Duty calls? But what duty? My self imposed duties for today? I don’t even feel like doing them, don’t feel like going out. So change my decision? Maybe. Maybe even better. But that is not according to the Principles of Success, changing decisions (fast). But I am not changing it fast, as I have been thinking about it all morning. And it just doesn’t feel good to go out, which is why I reserved until 11 am ‘for myself’.